Just a short fic, meant to go along with episodes 19 & 20 of
Evangelion...

Rhionae
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Island/3226/


Neon Genesis Evangelion belongs to Gainax and not me...



Heart and Soul

I felt - pain, the pain that twisted my mind, my body into becoming
something which they shouldn't have ever been, into something that I
once was, so long ago, now.

So long ago...

Pain.  I thought I understood it, once, its necessity, its purpose in
our lives.  I thought I understood so much then.  Perhaps I did - but it
wasn't enough, not nearly enough.  It is that which leads me to this new
pain: not mine, although it calls to me more urgently than any personal
injury I have ever sustained.  Not my pain; not mine, but _his_.

I wanted him to have a happy life, to taste the sweetest joy, to drink
of the brightest hopes.  I had overlooked the possibility that pain and
suffering could be the millstones upon which his happiness would be
ground.  By blessing him, I'd cursed him without ever realizing it; and
I never had the chance to apologize, to tell him how much I loved him -
how much I _love_ him.

I still can't tell him.  Words are meaningless now, and although our
minds are close, we do not have the complete understanding we could
share if we were to become one.  My actions only permit any
communication with him, but I know he cannot see what I want him to see,
not completely; but perhaps what he does see is enough.  Perhaps what I
do is enough, enough to vindicate my decisions all those years ago.

My decision.  There was only one that ever mattered, the only one that
still matters.

I cannot live in the past anymore than the people around me, although
living in the present is almost as difficult in my unique situation. 
I'm not really a part of their world, not anymore - or do I mean not
_yet_?  

The present may be hard to cope with, but the future is a myriad of
possibilities - yet only one path may be chosen.  I chose my way many
years ago, willingly binding myself into a role I could believe in, one
in which I could make a difference - especially to him.

He's been so alone since my moment of choice; alone and unloved,
untouched by those who surround him - but no longer is that so.  Now _I_
surround him, I encompass him, I lift him up when he falls, I heal his
wounds as best I can, I let him show the world who _he_ is, and not what
others think of him...

I love him.  I've always loved him, from the first moment I felt his
heat beat beneath my own.  It sometimes feels as though the past has
returned when we are together.  He is the heart of my heart, the soul of
my soul - and I will protect him, whatever the cost.

His pain calls to me, striking deeper than my own ever could, and I am
moved to rage.  More, I do what I can see must be done to keep on
protecting my heart and soul from the dangers which we must face - and
face them we will, together.

It hurts, however, that I must let him go once more, let him go back to
that other world which no longer has a place for me.  I don't begrudge
him his ability to return, but I would spare him the pain I know he will
face there, despite the hope that it may someday magnify his joy to that
which I dreamed.

He doesn't need to go back just yet, though, so I have my chance to
cradle him close to me for a few moments longer - a few minutes, a few
hours, a few days...

Someday, perhaps, for all eternity.

********
Rhionae
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Island/3226/