Matthew Lewis <maybeso@ican.net> wrote:

   "Mu Tsu! You're using a weapon! You know we don't rely on
weapons!" the elder shouted.

His name is Mu Si.

   Mu Tsu sheepishly tried to hide the staff behind his back, but,
owing to his small size (being only four or five, most likely) and

Doesn't he know exactly how old he is?

   "The women use weapons, we do not, it is not our way."

"We do use run-on sentences, though." :p

   The elder looked at Mu Tsu with a strange look in his eye, and

Try not to repeat "look"

   "Bring him back, show him the error of his ways," the elders
commanded, and several of them _did_ have beards, though many did
not, and as many had grey hair as had no hair on their heads,
though none of it was long. Each man had been fit and spry,

Each man was fit (unless they aren't anymore)

   "And if he does not comply?" asked the man who once trained Mu

who had once

   You want to know what Purgatory is? A glimpse, or maybe just a
taste of heaven while you are in Hell. Worse than Hell, in a way,
because in Purgatory there was hope that it would end, eventually.
Hope? That sounds good, doesn't it? but when that hope is

Capitalize but.

   So in the Nekohanten, Mousse polished the table until even he
could see his face in it. A bad job, with bad pay and even worse
treatment. Benefits package? not bloody likely. The only benefit

Capitalize not.

was that he got to be near Shampoo, got to at least attempt to win
her over to him. Of course, Mousse had no real chance with Shampoo,
not even if Ranma was somehow taken out of the picture; this had
been made clear by Shampoo time and time again, for a very long
time. Mousse, however, still hoped. Congradulations, Mousse, you

Congratulations

   "Can't pig! Ain't got time to play! Gotta go get something for

Can't, pig!

   A hand reaches out casually and grabs Ranma as he runs by. The
hand is, of course, attached to a person. Ryouga manages to lose
track of Ranma and takes a wrong turn somewhere.  "You are, Ranma?
Ranma Saotome?" a sing-sing voice asks. 

This whole paragraph needs to be in past tense: reached, grabbed, ran,
was, managed, took, asked.

   From the tone of voice, it is quite obvious that the speaker's

was

native language is not Japanese, probably some form of Chinese. The

was

   "I am told that you might know where Mu Tsu, or Shan Pu are. I

where Mu Si or Shan Pu is.
or
where Mu Si and Shan Pu are.

   Shan Pu uses weapons.

used

   Shan Pu also wins against Mu Tsu, who does not.

won, did

   Ergo using weapons is superior.

was

   Problem is that using weapons is not allowed. Mu Tsu would be

was, was

punished if he was caught using weapons.
   Solution: don't get caught using weapons. Hide them. If no one
sees them, then he cannot get caught.

In the now, in Nerima:

   The front door opens and the bell above it announces the fact

opened, announced

   Xue looked Mousee over. "I ask you again. Do you give up the

Mousse

   Upon leaving the Nekohanten, Xue walked around Nerima. A boy
with a bokken came by. A girl in a leotard, wielding a ribbon. A
boy using an umbrella and thrown bandannas which could cut through
wood.

Actually, the bandanna thing only worked in that one fight (the one in
which Akane got her hair cut).

   "And so one day each year, men from our village fight against
women of their village, to test each other's strength. Also, if a
man wins, he is allowed marry the woman he beats. Those who do not

allowed to marry

   Soun nodded. "It makes sense now. But you are not married,
why?"

married. Why?"

1. A relatively weak story. The idea, that of the title, is not
big enough or detailed out enough to carry a whole story, and
while there are possibilities of something more (where was Mousse's
inner turmoil, for instance? What was that about him polishing
the tables all the time and that bit about purgatory or his impaired
vision? Those things never went anywhere, and they could have done
so much more!)

True.

2. The explanations are too expository. Quite contrived and lecturing
in tone. In other words, presented in a boring fashion. If they could
be brought into the fic, instead of being pointed out in such a 
glaring fashion....

Right. Not only too lecturing, but too repetitive. Kinda like a Roger
Corman movie. "The word is the law, and the law is...."

But I think this has potential to be a pretty good little vignette. Work
on these problems and you'll have something really good.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics