Actually, the idea that Ukyou abrogated her engagement in
that confrontation is not original with me. I borrowed it

>from Dave Eddy with his permission. Akane might have come

away from witnessing the scene with that assumption about
Ukyou being Genma's illegitemate son and changed her mind
later when she discussed it with Ranma.

I don't quite understand... my point is that Ukyo couldn't have
mentioned the engagement at all while Akane was watching, otherwise
Akane never would've made that assumption. So what makes her think that
Ukyo actually said this? Is it just Genma's word?

Actually, I found this whole bit sort of strange.  The
engagement is set up by the two parents, correct?  
If you're assuming that one of the children in question
can nullify it, why does it matter what Ukyou says? 
If she can nullify it, then Ranma is equally entitled to
do so.  If Ranma doesn't want to marry her, he won't.

I mean, if you go back over the series and nitpick 
everything all the characters have said for legalisms,
then I think Ranma has effectively nullified all his 
engagements.  "I ain't gettin' married to nobody" 
would do the trick, which a sentiment he's been known
to express.  

- - - - -

Okay, so while I'm here, I'll comment on the chapter as a whole.

I enjoyed the first two chapters if this story and "Masks" quite
a bit, mostly because you were able to carry off a wholly 
improbable interpretation of the Ranma story with such style.
It was very entertaining, and though it doesn't hold up under
great scrutiny (like most conspiracy theories), it was a fun 
alternative take on the Takahashi story with which we love.

This chapter... didn't quite work as well as the last ones, I'm
afraid, at least for me.  It wasn't just the character interpretation,
which were a little frustrating.  Gary talked about the Akane/P-Chan
thing already (and if you're re-writing the Ranma history, you 
might say she ALREADY knew and has been compensating 
all this time - treating him like an animal, creaming him with her
"violent sleeping habits" every night), and I also think that Cologne's
rampant iron-clad sexism is a very ungenerous interpretation of
the character.  It wasn't the "martial-arts-vs.-bullets" thing, though
I do cringe every time I see that in a fanfic.

These things I can forgive - after all, every author is going to have
their own take on the characters, and I am frequently glad to read
stories which contain such characterizations.  But it was the 
dialogue-heavy style which I found to be most troublesome
for this tale.  

I had a writing teacher once, and one of her favorite things to say
when I was laying on the dialogue too thick is "Show me, don't
tell me."  Some authors, of course, have been able to flaunt that
guideline with great results - Issac Asimov's "Foundation" books  
are a good example.  But for the most part, I find that when 
characters start speaking in long paragraphs and circling endlessly
around a single topic in their conversations, it bogs a story down.

I think this is even more true if you're writing about Japanese
culture.  I'm no expert, but it seems to me that the more important
a conversation is for the Japanese, the shorter it is likely to be.
This conversational tactic spares people from having to deal with
difficult or emotional issues in an embarrassing way.  Takahashi
is well aware of this in her writing - the inherent misinterpretations
which arise from this cultural trait are the core of her best humor
in Ranma 1/2.  I know you're not trying to write a cultural treatise
here, but when the characters start talking to each other like 
lawyers or therapists, I find it difficult to maintain interest.

It was different in "Masks" when Ranma and Akane were talking -
the fact that they could express themselves so clearely was a
great way to portray the kind of trust and mutual respect they'd
developed.  There was no authority heirarchy in place (which is
subtly present in most situations), and they made sure they did
not fall victim to the misinterpetations which are so common.
But I think that you might try tightening up the dialogue between
the other characters as you continue the story.  

Good luck,
Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net

http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless