HI,
Interesting and well done as usual. Nice dialog and description. 
However there doesn't seem much room for conflict or development.
Powerful/unbeatable martial artist. . . Death and destruction. But why
does anybody care??? So far Ranma is not a likeable character.
Extremely dangerous. You might be able to build on past associations
between Soun/Genma but that is going to take a great deal of
development. (Convence Soun to keep a homicidal maniac AND a gajin
woman in his house AND his 'old friend' with his three daughters???) I
feel there needs to be some way to CONNECT Ranma with someone or
something else. And what is the Amazon's motivation for helping? This
is not clear to me on first reading.  Nor is it going to be easy to
develop any sympathy for Ranma as a character. I like the idea and I
look forward to seeing more. I do NOT envy you. This looks like an
extremely difficult story to develop and finish.
I will add a few specific comments indicated by ##. ^_^


---metroanime@mindspring.com wrote:

TRAINING RANMA 0:00:02
a brief alterniverse concept thrown out for eventually
working into "Settling Bets" though mainly it was
just an idea i had to sketch out, and which didn't fit
into any of my current projects.
                             char owned by others. treatment by 
metroanime@mindspring.com

 "That must be them!" Soun started for the door.

 "Ooooo, RANMA!" Nabiki ran for the door, 
hoping for cute. Rich was too much to expect.

 An older man and a young boy were outside
the door. The man was about her father's age, while the
boy was...sullen. He wore a tired depression as if they
were familiar clothes. 

 Nabiki was brought up short by the air of
someone who was just plain tired of living.

 Behind the boy was a girl with purple hair who 
looked a little nervous herself. 

 "Ah, Soun. We've got to talk. Errr. Ranma,
you and Shampoo wait out here while Soun and I talk
about this."

 "Saotome?" Soun Tendo looked over his
old friend. It brought back memories of times under
the Master. The same tired, even haunted, look. The
same nervous glances once directed towards the evil
Master were directed towards his own son.

 "Inside, Tendo. We need to talk."

 Nabiki watched as the two fathers entered
the house. The boy stared at nothing in particular,

## Just a thought, but from your description I would think the
training would make him HYPER alert. Constantly looking around . .
.VERY sensitive to his surroundings. 

while the girl glanced at the boy then walked over to
where Nabiki stood.

 "Nihao. Shampoo is name. You is no martial
artist. Shampoo can tell. You help with Ranma?"

 "What's wrong with him? Is he always like
this?" Nabiki watched the boy. She corrected her initial
impression of sad and depressed to "just doesn't care
if he lives or dies."

## Again . . .I understand what you are trying to do. But the
sad/depressed just doesn't seem to fit with Ranma's 'condition'.
(Having spent some time working with clinically depressed persons may
have given me a different picture when I hear the word than most other
people. Therefore this may just be my problem.) From my own,limited,
experience with enraged/deranged persons I have seen agitation,
paranoia, delusional behavior. Also characteristic is the '1000 yard
stare' where the person will stare 'through' you at an imaginary spot
'1000 yards' away. When you see this you are in DEEP trouble. An
attack is immanent.

 "Is side effect of martial arts training he
undergo many year ago. We go inside, yes?"

 "Ranma, you look you could use a hot
soak, why don't you take one while we talk?"
----------------------------
 Akane slid open the door, and stared
at the boy getting up out of the tub.

 She was still standing there in shock
as the boy moved past her, not noticing at how 
his lifeless eyes only seemed to vaguely register
her presence at all.

 The boy grabbed his clothes, not
deigning to notice how the girl was staring at
him. He dressed quickly, efficiently, and never
once seemed to actually see her.

 Akane was trying to figure out
what had just happened. He hadn't acted 
at all like she would have expected a boy
to act.

 "Why...that pervert," she finally
whispered. All boys were perverts anyway.
It had to be some sort of perverted joke. "I..
I'll kill him! I'll..."

##This seems forced. Again I may be prejudiced from my work but people
that are as messed up as Ranma obviously is (from your description)
give off 'vibes' that are obvious to any one. The way they move, body
language even smell is 'wrong'. And the eyes, on the very
crazy/dangerous one's are more than life less. I had a fellow with
flash back's from Vietnam and I will NEVER forget the eyes. They
weren't lifeless . . .there wasn't anybody home behind them. Like a
snake. Very scary. And not something you would easily miss. 

 Akane glanced back at the door
that this Ranma had just exited from.  A little
voice seemed to be telling her that killing him 
would be doing him a favor. Uncertainty was 
washed away by the anger and embarrassment.
No doubt he'd go tell all his male friends that
he'd seen her naked!

## I don't think this is necessary. A re-hash of the 'original'
series. A damaged as Ranma is he could be set off by anything or
nothing at all. In fact it might be more effective if Akane is
sympathetic/helpful. Ranma appreciates this and STILL attacks. (I've
had this happen. )

 When she rushed out into the living
room, Ranma was already sitting there, apparently
ignoring his father as well as everyone else in the
room. She hefted the comforting weight of a dumb-bell 
in her hand and prepared to throw it at the pervert.

 "...so when we got to her village, well,
the boy actually seemed almost halfway interested
in the fighting. I left him to watch while I...uhm, 
assuaged my hunger."

 The purple haired girl interrupted. "Pops
steal prize that rightfully belong to Shampoo. He 
say I have to fight Ranma for prize, but Great 
Grandmother step in. She look at Ranma's eyes
and say he no stay in village one moment more."

 "Hey, you pervert! You looked at me
in the nude, you letch! Don't think you can get 
away with that by just walking away!" Akane
interrupted the story and glared at the boy.

 "Why?" The boy spoke for the first
time, so softly that one could barely notice it.

 "You..." Akane paused again, some
confusion at this atypical behavior. It must be an
act. "You saw me naked! You, you..."

 Dead eyes looked up at her. "Why
would I want to look at you naked, anyway?"

 Akane's temper snapped, she'd been
against the whole engagement thing anyway,
and here this idiot was insulting her! "DIE, YOU
PERVERT!"

 Ranma saw the weight heading for 
his face and blinked just before it impacted.

 "Uh oh." Genma started edging
away from the table. "Soun, there's something
I've really got to mention. But right now, everyone
play dead or at least don't make any threatening 
moves."

## May or may not work.

 Shampoo said something in Mandarin 
and did a quick roll off the back of the patio and
out of sight.

##This is GOOD. Exactly the thing to do in this situation.

 "Genma, what?"

 Everyone started as a growl started
coming from Ranma's vicinity. Eyes slitted and
seeming to glow reddishly, his face was showing
considerably more animation than it had been.

 "Years ago," said Genma as he assumed
a seated position on the floor that resembled some
nervous Buddha, "I came across some of the Master's
books. Secret techniques promised such powerful
abilities as the 'unbeatable Catfist' or 'Hyuri's Strength.'
Foolishly, I chose to train Ranma in the latter technique.
With the result that sudden attacks, death threats, or
being cornered, unleashes the technique."

##Sudden attacks, being cornered or nothing at all. I read death
threats as a verbal threat. Again from experience people as
traumatized as Ranma can be set off by ANYTHING, things that 'normal'
people would never recognize as a threat

 Nabiki blinked. Watching the boy uncoil
from the floor reminded her of some of the wildlife
programs she'd seen. Something about how he was
moving screamed that this was a predator.

 "What have you done, Saotome?" Soun
was ready to intervene, as it looked like Akane was
almost frozen by the boy's glare.

 "He's a berserker." Genma tried to look
as nonthreatening as he could.

 "Bersarkerganger," whispered Soun
as he watched the boy's eyes darting wildly to
each of the occupants of the room. "How could
you, Saotome?"
 
 Akane decided to throw caution to the
wind, ignoring that her own father had turned so
pale his skin was almost transparent. "So what's
the big deal about this letch..." Akane pointed 
across the table at the feral boy.

##Again, too much like the opening season. It seems too forced to have
Akane do this. SHE has been training as martial artist. And nothing
suggests she is stupid. Under the correct circumstances I could see
her throwing caution to the wind. For instance Kasumi or Nabiki or her
father could set Ranma off and she would intervene. OR with a
different set up.(In fact Kasumi is a better trigger in many ways.
Often trespassing on personal space is a trigger and Kasumi, being a
good hostess would be very likely to cross that invisible line) If
Ranma came into the bath where Akane was bathing and she didn't even
know he was in the house I could see her reacting against what she
perceived as a threat.

 The table exploded as Ranma moved
through it, not bothering to slow enough to go over
or around it as the Rage came down over his mind. He 
howled with bloodlust and anger. The extended arm 
was the first priority, and his first move broke the bones 
in the forearm like matchsticks. That was with his left 
hand. The right snaked forward in a move that would
have literally taken her head off. He hesitated for less
than a fraction of a second.

##I understand why you did this. But your description of the
training/effects etc. suggest that Ranma is in more of a fugue state,
not dreamlike, but definitely without higher brain function. He may
well have some vestige of control. If so this needs more setup
beforehand. 

 Soun interrupted that attack, even
though he saw his own life flash before his eyes.
He was thrown outside the house like a ragdoll
a moment later.

 "Everyone just stay calm, don't make
any sudden movements," Genma advised. Akane
had finally laid down, close enough to Kasumi
that the older sister could inspect the arm.

 Kasumi and Nabiki stared, even 
though they were not martial artists, they could
feel the raw power being emanated by the boy
in front of them.

Again, GOOD idea as usual. I may just be having problems because of my
own experiences. I look forward to seeing the rest. 
=== message truncated ===
 
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