Shade wrote:

Ranma 1/2
The Private Bets: Arc 1-The Bard�s Stone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Title: The Stork�s Worst Nightmare


�That�s because they used phase realities to make
 their Bets in, we don�t have access to enough
 energy to even get one entry in that. This pool
 allows us to influence events by affecting the
 Nexus nodes in these parallel realities, but while
 it�s easy enough to add the energy needed for a
 entry the amount of power necessary to revert
 things back to normal is obscene.�

    Nice touch.  I like the idea that it takes an effort to change things back.

�What kind of an idiot came up with that idea
 anyway?!�

(Shade sneezes)

�Well? Are you going to throw or not Bard?�

    Missed a comma, there.  It should be "...throw or not, Bard?"

It just was not Ranma Saotome�s,
 heir to the Anything Goes School of
Martial Arts and person voted most
likely by his class to be either married,
dead or both by the time he graduated
from high school, day.

    Shudder.  That whole paragraph is so awkwardly phrased that I can barely make out the intent of it.  I am not sure what would improve it, really, but splitting up "It just was not Ranma Saotome's day" DOESN'T work.

It had started off with a bucket of cold
water in bed from Nabiki this morning.
She had been taking more perverted
pictures for the pervert Kuno.

    Excessive use of the word "pervert".  It is usually best to avoid repeating the same word in a paragraph.  Readers' eyes get hung up on it and they lose the flow of the story.

Then
while in the bath his kawaiikune fiancee
Akane walked in on him without even checking
 first....again. After a uppercut to the chin
he found out firsthand that the contracters
 had installed some decommissioned battleship
armor in the roof this time when they had repaired
it in an attempt to keep the property damage to a
 minimum. It had worked...sort of.

    Was it the armor or the battleship that was decommissioned?  I would suggest a rewording of this section, and perhaps you could mention how thick it is?  For example, "He found out the hard way that the contractors had installed 15" thick belt armor from a decommissioned battleship in the ceiling, in an attempt to cut down on the property damage."

The glowing purple pudding hardly
looked even remotely organic.

    This is purely a personal take, but I am very tired of stories that describe Akane's dishes as something other than simple ruined food.  It would be just as funny if she had, say, added red pepper instead of cinnamon to the batter when making the french toast...

At this rate the boy wouldn�t
never even kiss Akane,

    ??? "Wouldn't never even"?  I thought Nodoka spoke more refined language than this!

let alone present her with
grandchildren!

    Um, wouldn't Akane have to have something to do with it?

It seemed that she would have to
do something about this,  she didn�t want to
impose her will upon her son so soon after being
reunited with him but desperate times called for
desperate measures.

    Run on sentence.  There should be a period after "she would have to do something about this".

She waited in Dojo, soon her patience
was rewarded by the appearence of her
 boy (who sometimes turned into a girl).

    "...rewarded by the appearance of her son."  The mention of the curse adds nothing to the action here.

�This constant fighting is intolerable, unworthy
of a true man amoung men.� She hated herself for
having to use this tactic, already she could see the pain
in her son�s eyes. Pain caused by her harsh words.

    That last is a fragmentary sentence.  It should be expanded or incorporated into the previous sentence.  Something like: "...see the pain in her son's eyes, caused by her harsh words."

Nodoka stood there and
looked at where her son had gone. She
stayed in that position for a long time.

    Nodoka has x-ray vision?  She could look in the direction he went, but unless she can see through buildings, she can't see where he went!

Angerily Ranma wiped away the moisture that
threatened to escape.

    Angrily

�Ranma? You�ll be late for school if you don�t hurry.�

�..g..give me a sec..Kasumi-chan.�

 Ranma�s voice was unnaturally weak,
being conked on the noggin after having
12 inches of high-grade steel smashed against
one�s forehead tended to have that effect on people.

    Ok, I am totally lost now.  A few paragraphs ago, Ranma had been at breakfast, gotten into a fight, had a talk with his mother, and run off to cry.  Now, all of a sudden, he's back at breakfast.  What happened to time here?

His verbal blunder could be blamed on the fact that
he was having trouble keeping his eyes focused on
just one Kasumi, why her twin sister had decided
to visit now of all times confused him to no end.

    It would help if you put in a bit of reaction from Kasumi to explain why calling her "Kasumi-chan" is a blunder.

�Oh my!� Kasumi gasped out as Ranma
unintentionally glomped onto her in an attempt
 to stay vertical.

    "Glomped"  isn't a good word here.  "Embraced" perhaps?

-Somewhere far north of Alaska

�Where on Earth am I now!?�

The penguins just stared at him.

    I have sad news for you.  The only penguins in Alaska are in the Zoo.  Penguins are native to the SOUTHERN hemisphere.

The moment Tenchi Masaki woke up this morning
he knew it was going to be one of those days.

    Another awkward sentence.  "This morning" is completely unnecessary in this sentence.

All of Washu�s tests kept going back to that �sample� she
wanted to extract from him. Tenchi still got the willies
whenever he remembered that first time she had tried to
use her  �magic fingers�.

    Uh, "willies" may be an unfortunate choice of words...

�How did I wind up in here?� Tenchi asked, praying feverently

    fervently

that this was just a bad dream.

"Now be a good little guinea pig and let the Angel of
 Mercy shake the dew off your lily!!!�

    This phrase is too obviously taken from the OAV.  It would be nice if you came up with a clever line of your own for this ;-)

The Chair had slapped a gag on Tenchi�s mouth.

'Now what do I do?!'

�Hello! What have we here.....�

�HELP!!! MIHOSHI, SASAMI, ANYBODY!!!!�

    Now, how is this getting out if he's gagged?

�What�s this? Little Tenchi-ken doesn�t want to come
out and play? Well I�ll soon fix that!�

�NONONONONONONONO!!!!!� Blind panic sounded
 good right about now.

    Same thing.  Gagged, remember?


All in all, this could be an amusing story, and I look forward to seeing more of it!

Ja ne,
Larry f