Having a horrendous case of writer's block, I'm going to forego my
ususal MST and just lay out straight facts.

---lynch <lynch@surfshop.net.ph> wrote:
<snip>

I'm not saying a word about the Kurt/Astro City thing except that it's
probably best to develop your own style of writing rather than just
following someone else's.

A Lesson Learned the Hard Way
	By 
lynch

After reading the fic, I still can't figure out how the title has any
relevance to the fic.

<snip the retelling of the Maison Ikkoku plot>

Would Godai really spill all that in his first meeting with a person?

Oh? Did I forget to mention the Super-heroes? Well, any person who

reads

the news should know that both Tokyo and Macross City have the largest
number of heroes, with Astro city and New York ranking close

seconds. I

mean, Tokyo has the Sailor Senshi and Tuxedo Mask, but Macross has

the Big

"S," Saiyanman, perhaps the most famous hero on earth, although from

what I

hear, he's not even FROM earth. 

*raises eyebrow* As far as I know, Saiyaman is a character created for
the Flashman's fic series TRIO. If I'm correct, then you need to ask
author permission for using this concept, since another writer has
already come up with that exact thing.

Who else is in Macross? Hmm�. Well, there's Gowcaizer, that new rookie
hero, he's got a very cool looking armor! 

"hero. He's got _some_ very cool-looking armor." Grammar, to me and
many others, is very important in making your fics more relatable to
the masses. (Any flames recieved on that bit of opinion will be
folded, soaked in gasoline, set on fire, and rammed up the flamer's-
*ahem* I think you get the idea. =^_~= )

Oh and there's Terry Bogard, the Southtown hero, although the guy

always

says he isn't a hero� He's a pretty nice guy, heck he's always in the
girlie magazines along with his girlfriend Sulia. >

He poses in Playgirl? =O_o= i really don't quite understand what you
mea by 'girlie mags'.

Oops! I have to go, I've got a class and I'm late! Nice talking to

you!

So this whole fic is a first-person recount of the events, eh?
Somehow, I don't know why, it just doesn't seem to pull me in for
interest.

Oh, hi, fancy meeting you again. You know what? That day I met you

turned

out to be pretty significant to me. Well, an incident that day has

made me

realize some things. 

If this is a first person recount using *only* dialogue, then the
speech patterns should match those of someone's casual speech. The
sentences there are a bit stiff.

<snip the rather convoluted explanation- how could he *not* have
noticed the police cars? Were there just no sirens?>

What I saw was the famous Southtown Hero, Terry Bogard, duking it

out along

with Gowcaizer, against this young gray haired supervillain, who was
clothed in a yellow and white armor. I later found >

I really can't see Terry and Gowcaizer working together. Where's Andy
and Joe?

out that the guy was

Laocorn, one of Terry Bogard's old enemies. He had managed to get a

piece

of the armor of Mars which made him pretty strong.

Well, *that's* the understatement of the year. Is this going to be a
rehash of the Fatal Fury movie?

It seemed that Laocorn had somehow pieced together all the six parts

of the

armor of Mars, which he was now wearing and gave him unbelievable

power,

like that of a god, which he was using to tear the city apart. 

Yup, rehashing the Fatal Fury movie. *sigh*

His only mistake, of course, was to try and tear up Macross city,

which had

enough heroes to kick his butt and blow him to kingdom come. 

If this is Macross city, where are the Valkyries?

Energy was swirling all around Laocorn, and this energy was taking

all the

attacks that Terry and Gowcaizer were throwing at him. Gowcaizer

took a

full forceblast in the chest, just as he was attempting to attack.

He soon

made a pretty large crater on the sidewalk. 

The descriptions given so far are seriously lacking in power and
interest. The mode of writing you've chosen just doesn't seem to
translate well from the realm of comics into text-only form. You
really need to work on describing what's going on instead of these
vague comments.

Terry Bogard, taking advantage of the momentary distraction that the
younger hero presented, quickly executed this attack that had his fist
covered in energy. It almost hit Laocorn too, except that one of the

energy

tendrils swirling around the villain became a hand that grabbed

Bogard,

halting the attack, and setting him up for a very painful looking

barrage

of punches by the other energy tendrils. 

This *really* is *not* indicative of regular speech. You're trying to
add a descriptive insert into this verbal retelling; the two just
don't intermesh well. And the descriptions themselves... *sighs,
shakes head*

I was pretty shocked at the event that was unfolding before my eyes,

in

fact, I don't think that the realization that I was in mortal danger

hit me

until after everything was all over. Because of that, I just looked

at him,

as Terry Bogard tried to get up. He was clutching his abdomen, I had

heard

rumors that he was having stomach problems after the fight with

Wolfgang

Krauser. 

Run-on sentences just seem to abound in this paragraph. 

Well, this Sulia was one brave girl, and she refused and said that

she was

staying right here to help him! She also said that she was the key to
defeating Laocorn, who turned out to be her twin brother!

Personally, I

don't see the resemblance.

Please stick to one tense: 'Personally, I didn't see the resemblance.'
And you're pretty much ruining the Fatal Fury movie for everyone who
hasn't seen it yet. Next time, put a spoiler warning up.

<snip more unrealistic and boring dialogue>

I saw Terry grunt in pain and blood start to seep from his mouth,

before he

collapsed again. Sulia was horrified, and her wide eyes were even

wider

now. I wasn't sure what I looked look, but I knew that I was no pretty
sight myself. 

You 'looked look'? 

Laocorn was laughing at this and was saying something to his sister:

"Oh,

I'm sorry, did I hurt you lover boy sis? HAHAHAHAHA!"

Tenses, tenses, please stick to one. And Laocorn's rather corny
response here....

At this, Sulia looked at Laocorn with eyes full of loathing,

loathing and�.

Sorrow? 

For whom I wondered? For her wounded lover? Or for her lost and

misguided

brother? 

'For whom?' I wondered. Is this story a verbal retelling or just a
first-person narrative? Decide on one and stick with it; it'll help
the story out considerably.

Now NERV is the world agency that is charged with dealing with

extra-normal

and or superhuman threats, wherever they may occur in the world.

Despite

all the special training that these NERV troops had in dealing with

such

threats, they still were unable to do much about Laocorn, to say

that both

the police and those special troops were being decimated would be an
understatement.

The final sentence is a run-on, and where are the EVA's? Watch your
Evangelion; NERV isn't just some big law-enforcement group.

<snip more trite dialogue>

Whilst Terry was doing this Sulia took a quick look around, then

turned to

me and asked: "Do you have anything sharp on you? Quickly!"

'Whilst'? *shakes head* That *really* doesn't fit into the story....

<snip some more- I'm running out of patience =^_^;= >

Why are you rehashing the enitre ending of the Fatal Fury movie?

<snip the Fatal Fury ending- it was trite, cliched, and somewhat
corny. It also spoils the whole movie for those who've not seen it yet.>

 I wasn't sure how I staggered out of the park that day. 

All I know is that I managed to get to my friend Sakamoto's

apartment and

dragged him out to a bar and got dead drunk. 

*snicker* Now this is a plausibe reaction, and somewhat funny under
the circumstances.

If my neighbors, Yotsuya and Mrs. Ichinose are to be believed, I

staggered

home that night with enough alcohol in me to knock out an Irishman

and as a

consequence of being so drunk, announced to the whole world what I

had been

dying to say for so long. 

I said, or to be exact, I shouted the words to my loved one. The

words that

Terry Bogard had not been able to say to his loved one. 

"KYOKO! I LOVE YOU!!!!!"

*bangs head against computer* This is really one of the most
*unoriginal* fics I've seen. You've thrown people together, changed a
few tiny things, then plagarized the Fatal Fury movie and Maison
Ikkoku. And plagarized it badly. Get a firmer grip on grammar and
style, get an original way of looking at whatever series you decide,
then try again. I'll be disappointed if you give up fic writing
altogether because of this review. This is just something meant to
prod you into thinking more about what and how you write. 

Jess, the LilTigre =^_^=
==
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