-----Original Message-----
From: Ronny Hedin <thark@hem2.passagen.se>
To: David A. Tatum <desaix@sysnet.net>
Cc: ffml@fanfic.com <ffml@fanfic.com>
Date: Wednesday, March 03, 1999 8:01 PM
Subject: Re: [FFML][C&C][Ranma] Three Souls, One Heart Chapter 11

Akane awoke the next morning with a sudden chill.  Sleepily, she sat

up,

and started to sense that something was missing.  A quick glance at

the

other side of the bed showed what, exactly, that something was.

She sat up sleepily, [almost immediately] starting to feel something
was missing. A quick glance at the other side of the bed revealed
the excact nature of that something.

Personally, I like this rewrite less than the original paragraph.  The
first was a little awkward, the second, moreso.  Although it's true that
the last sentence of the original paragraph is a bit confusing... almost
implying that she sees what isn't there... that's not really what it
says, but the way it's phrased can give you that impression if you're
not reading carefully.

There are a million ways to write what you want, and I usually don't try
to tell anyone how to do it because there's never one or even six right
answers, but I like the direct approach:

    Akane awoke the next morning with a sudden chill.  She yawned, then
sat up, sensing something wrong.  She turned....
    The far side of the bed was empty.  Ranma was gone.

    Not very poetic, I admit, but at least it's effective.

    But really, I don't think the original paragraph was all that bad,
just a little awkward... "starting to feel" is an awkward phrase, and
"showed what, exactly, that something was" is not only awkward, but
sounds almost like you're saying  "she saw what wasn't there" which is
only a fine sentence if you like Lewis Carroll logic ("Really?  What
marvelous eyesight you must have!  I can't see anything there myself!")

However, "revealed the exact nature of that something" is twice as
awkward, and every bit as confusing, in my opinion.

Miko