Akane awoke the next morning with a sudden chill.  Sleepily, she sat up,
and started to sense that something was missing.  A quick glance at the
other side of the bed showed what, exactly, that something was.

She sat up sleepily, [almost immediately] starting to feel something
was missing. A quick glance at the other side of the bed revealed
the excact nature of that something.

"Ranma?" she wondered, tossing the comforter onto the floor and leaping out
of bed.  Grabbing her robe, she wrapped it around her and stepped out of
her room.  "Ranma," she called quietly, searching for him.  Akane was
getting a little concerned- the previous couple of nights, Ranma had either

The whole situation made Akane a little concerned - the

outslept her or waited in bed for her to get up first... but yesterday,
they had finally done MORE than just sleep in the same bed.  Did the sudden

IMO, it doesn't quite clearly come across that having done more than
sleep is in contrast to what was done earlier nights, rather than in
contrast to Ranma sleeping later than her. Try something minor like
"but then, yesterday" or so.

change in their relationship scare him?  Did he wake up that morning,
realize what he'd done, and run away because he couldn't handle it?  Where
had he gone?  "Ranma!" she cried out with desperation starting to appear in
her voice.

she cried out, desperation starting

She checked the bathroom, the kitchen, and Ranma's old room, and didn't see
anything.  "Great," she muttered to herself worriedly, not knowing where
else he might have gone in the house.  "He just had to run off... I guess

but didn't

perhaps "trying to figure out where *else* he might have gone"

I'd better go chase him."  Akane stepped out the door of the house- and
then instantly turned around and went right back in.  "But not until I get
dressed..."

A general thought so far - I think a few of these paragraphs would do
better to break off at some of the more suitable points, especially
when there are several seperate instances of speech (even though it's
from the same person).

With Ranma on her mind, she dashed back to her room, and started running
for her closet.  She didn't get there, though, as she tripped over her
comforter and went crashing into the pile of cloth.

Ranma foremost on her mind, she dashed back to her room, running for
the closet. <P> She
(Paragraph break there for increased contrast, dramatic pause, or
something like that. Feels Right<tm> to me, at least.)

Akane tried to get back up, but couldn't.  Her legs were tangled up, and
something was moving underneath the covers that kept throwing her off her
balance.

couldn't; her
or
couldn't - her

and something moving underneath the covers kept throwing her off balance.

"What?" she asked herself, and then tore the covers off the ground and
tossed it onto the top of the bed.  Staring down at the figure underneath
the bed, Akane blinked.

herself, tearing the covers off the ground to toss them onto the top
of the bed.

As did Ranma, while trying to get the sleep out of his eyes.  "Huh?  What's
going on, Akane?"

Trying to get the sleep out of his eyes, Ranma did the same.

Just hearing his voice brought tears to Akane's eyes, and she hugged him
tightly to her body, ignoring how his female breasts were being crushed
against her own.  "I woke up, and you weren't there, and you weren't
anywhere in the house, and I thought you'd left me, and... and..."

Wouldn't Ranma have made the pile of covers quite noticeably much bigger
than it should be? And concerned, yes, but even despite that she *does*
seem to be reacting perhaps a bit too strongly here, IMO.

Ranma reached up and delicately wiped a tear from her eye.  "Now what made
you think I might have left you?  And why would I have done something like
that?"

IMO "up, delicatly wiping a"

"I thought... I thought you might not be able to handle what we did
yesterday and ran off...  I mean, I woke up, and you weren't in the bed,
and I didn't see you, and..."  Tears started to form in Akane's eyes again.

Technically, either "have been able - and ran" or "be able - and run".
Um. Maybe. I think. It doesn't really sound right, anyway.

Ranma's eyebrow twitched.  "If?  Akane, I don't ever want to spend another
night without you in my arms."

*gurgling sounds from somewhere deep down throat* really, just a *bit*
too cute and "right". Especially, you'd think they'd perhaps still be
a bit embarrassed about it.

Ryouga was searching his backpack for something as Ukyou came down on her
way to school.  She blinked at him before heading over to the fridge and
pulling out some batter she had made the previous night for a few breakfast
okonomiyakis.

fridge, where she pulled out some batter she had prepared for a few
breakfast okonomiyakis the previous night.

"What are you looking for?" she asked, turning on the grill.

IMO "asked as she turned on the grill"

Ryouga sighed.  "Akari's phone number.  I know I put it in here somewhere,
but I just can't find it.  I hope she isn't too worried- I just realized
today she hasn't heard from me since that day we got on Kunou's boat, and
thought she might want to be reassured that I didn't drown."

"today that she" (if you mean that it was today he realized, not that
it is today so much time has passed; I'm not sure)

Ryouga sighed.  "I was, when we were shipwrecked and it looked like I'd
never see Akari again.  But that was stupid... I knew it was over when I
realized I cared more about the cure than I did about Akane.  Or should

I know you did it already just last sentence, but beginning directly
with "Or" there IMO looks very, uh, "choppy", unless you end the
previous sentence in an ellipsis ("Akane... or should"

that be when I nearly got killing mad at Ranma when I found out that he had

"killing mad"? Can you really say that?

Ukyou sighed, and nodded.  One more weapon in the campaign to claim Ranma's
heart was no longer available to her.  "Oh, well."  Thinking back, she

"nodded; one" then scratch "was"; works just as well without it.

Ukyou nodded.  "I need to talk to Ranma, and he's been coming to class
early the past few days, so..."

But not today, I suspect, eh? :-]

Ranma nuzzled his chin against her hair.  "Ya know, it's both a good thing
and a bad thing that the Oni's finally gone," he whispered.  "It's a good
thing because I can do this without worrying about being speared, but it's
a bad thing because those horns looked so cute on you."

What's the next thing? Ranma wants Akane to fly and give him
electric shocks? :-)

Ranma sighed as well.  "True, we do have classes today.  It's a shame,
though- you can be really cute when you wanna be.  It would have been...
interesting... to see you trying to be your cutest."

Ranma? Skipping something he *wants* to do, because of class? Sure,
this is Japan, but still, it doesn't quite seem right... Akane,
certianly, but I doubt he'd think of it before she brought it up.

Akane's smile grew, and she slid back into Ranma's lap while facing him,
kissing him.  "Hentai," she whispered affectionately, and started kissing

What's wrong with "Pervert"?

Ranma blinked, twisting his neck to see what she was pointing at.  "Weird. 
You think it might have something to do with my curse?"

That strikes me as sort of an odd first thing to think of, since
Akane has the mark too.

'I'm not sure.  They were usually used by powerful demons to keep other
powerful demons off of THEIR target, but that doesn't seem to make sense-
there are no other demons I know of after you two.  It wouldn't effect me
because they weren't concerned with weaker demons, generally.'

Riiiiight, no chance of any demons ever going after Ranma & co. :-)

'Mad?  No, Ranma and I needed to try it out anyway- even if we DID decide
we didn't like it.'

She does seem to be a tad too "objective" and calm about it, IMO.

"Ah, we miss school all the time.  We could always say something important
came up..."

*there*'s Ranma. Why'd he say the other thing just a few paragraphs
ago?

Ranma nodded slightly.  "Maybe....  I don't think any marriage ceremony our
families might try to put together would ever work out, simply because my
father's an idiot and Nabiki hates me.  And it might make it easier to deal
with Kodachi and Ukyou when the time comes, if we were already married."

Hm. Nabiki hating Ranma is something that's come up earlier in this
storyline, right?

"... or not.  At any rate, Nabiki would probably have to concede the fact
and wouldn't actively be trying to destroy it, my father... well, he'll

it. My father

The teacher, who was as immune to shock as all the other teachers at
Furinken, merely checked her attendance booklet.  "It appears he was listed
as absent in homeroom today, and he hasn't shown up here since them."

The teacher, as immune to shock as

Cologne nodded and turned to go.  Ukyou, however, was not going to let them
just leave like that.  Jumping up from her seat and grabbing her weapons,
she leapt over to the Amazon matriarch.  "Hey, why are you after Ranma?"
she asked angrily.

Ukyou, however, would not let them leave

the Oni.  If we discover it inside someone there, well... you may not like
what we do."

"I think I will- I don't trust you," Ukyou said.

Uh? "I will like it, I don't trust you"?

"I now pronounce you... husband and wife."

Perhaps a scene just a *wee* bit more elaborate? ,-)

No, really.

"They did?" Nodoka gasped happily.  "Oh, Ranma must be acting manly with
Akane again!"

"acting manly with"? Heh. Good one.

"Good bye," Nodoka said to Cologne, seeing her start her way out of the
house.

Hm. Isn't "Goodbye" one word?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wee.

Almost exclusively language details, most of then not even actual "errors",
but I guess that's me.

Now, what to think?

The series has been going on for a while now, (well, 11 chapters, roughly)
and the images in my mind of how it has progressed aren't really all
that fresh, so I can't comment much on the characters. Except as otherwise
noted, I think they act pretty much within the bounds of how they should
act, given the changes that have occured.

The story as such, hm, well, doesn't really evoke much feeling; not enough
for me to sit here chewing on my toenails while waiting for the next
chapter to appear. Still it's a bit interesting, and a bit amusing, and
I'll keep reading. It doesn't help, though, that some of the scenes
definitely feel more "flat" than they could.


---
Ronny Hedin, thark@hem2.passagen.se, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/
                    "Momomoto, famous japanese, can swallow his nose."