Language needs a fair bit of revision. It's not actually *bad* or
error-laden or such, but much of the time, it could be a lot less
clumsy. I'm afraid I don't have energy enough to go pointing out
specific corrections on that right now. Um, commas seem to be
placed a bit hap-hazardly, you *really* should go over that.
It's not hard, just read everything aloud and it should be obvious
where they should and shouldn't go.

      Ranma just nodded and slipped the ring onto his ring finger of
his right hand.  After a quick breakfast the two rushed off to school.
While running the old lady that cleaned her streets by throwing water
with a ladel managed to splash Ranma...again.  After, the
transformation, Ranma-chan grabbed her head with both hands.

      "Ranma," a concerend Akane asked, "are you all right?"

I doubt that'd be enough to really make Akane much concerned. Not
unless it's shown to hurt a *LOT*, and it doesn't seem so the way
it's written.

      A red smoke poured out of the ring and coalesced itself in the
form of Ranma-chan.  Ranma's clothes had underwent an alteration.  The
blue pants were not blue harem pants and   the shirt was a red halter
top with a red vest.

:)~

*grin*

"What happened to me?"  Ranma muttered.

"and more importantly, why ME?!#&%"

"I…I h…h…have i…it R…Ranma," Akane stuttered, "I wish I knew
what was going on with you."

Uh? Looks like you're using some odd characters, there.

things.  I'll explain what happened later.  Please remain quiet on what
just happened until I can explain"

Akane strikes me as awfully quick-thought here. She's figuring out
what's going on and how to deal with it way too quickly and with
not nearly enough emotion.

Akane glared at the ruby and said, "Fine stay in there.  See if I
care."

Heh. That's the Akane we all know and love.

I know Ranma & Akane are a bit OOC, but they are dealing with a very
unusal situation.  The wishes Ranma grants are permanent unless the

Um. Dealing with unusual situations make the characters act
unlike what they do usually. That doesn't mean they are OOC, as
long as they their unusual actions are those unusual actions that
would seem likely to come for them considering how they usually
act. Just a bit of clarification. Err, if that made sense. :-) 

magic is dispelled.  Ranma's genie costume is based on what she is
wearing before he gets sucked into the ring.(ie. if she was wearing a
one-piec orange bathing suit before entering, she would be wearing an
orange genie costume)  Since Ranma doesn't wear a hat, no fez.  C&C can

Don't explain these things in author notes, show them in the *FIC*.
Sure, we won't know how the wishes works until somebody tries to go
against that in the fic - but OTOH, until that point, we don't *NEED*
to know.



On a whole ... well, it just started, way too early to give any
opinions yet. I do think the situation is one that could prove interesting,
though; by all means keep going, and work a bit on the langauge (I'm
sorry I didn't have time to give line-by-line C&C on it here).

Ganbatte!


Remember, for C&C, FFIRC! #fanfic, bachman.newberry.edu, sundays 15.30 EST.
---
Ronny Hedin, thark@hem2.passagen.se, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/