Ranma 1/2 (c) Rumiko Takahashi / Shogakukan * Kitty Film * Fuji TV.
    Exclusively licensed throughout the United States and Canada by Viz
    Communications, Inc.  
Monty Python (c) Python Productions limited

	This fan fiction is for private home use only; it may be freely
redistributed, but not altered or used for profit.

	This is my revenge on all the recent posts concerning Ranma/Monty Python.
I thought that this senario was rather obvious, and was surprised that
no-one else had come up with it.

	This is my first post to FFML, C&C and MST are more than welcome, and as
usual flames will be cheerfully ignored.

==============================================================================
The Dead Pig Sketch
==============================================================================

	Akane walks into the Cat Cafe carrying a dead P-chan in a cage. She walks
to the kitchen where Cologne tries to hide behind a cooking pot.

Akane: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.... Hello, Sir?

Cologne: What do you mean, Sir?

Akane: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.

Cologne: Sorry, we're opening for lunch. Care for some Ramen?

Akane: Never mind that, Cologne, I wish to complain about this pig what I
purchased not 	 	half an hour ago from this very Cafe

Cologne: Oh, yes, the Japanese Black, what's wrong with it?

Akane: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's #dead#, that's what's wrong
with it!

Cologne: No, no, it's resting, look (*P-chan does not move*)

Akane: Look, Cologne, I know a dead pig when I see one and I'm looking at
one right #now#.

Cologne: No, no, Akane, it's not dead, it's resting.

Akane: #Resting#?

Cologne: Yeah, remarkable pig, the Japanese Black, beautiful fur, innit?
And such a 	   	  striking bandana.

Akane: The fur doesn't enter into it - it's stone dead!

Cologne: No, no, it's just resting

Akane: All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (*Shouts into
cage*) Hello, P-	 	chan! I've got a magic compass for when you wake up,
Piggy-wiggy!

Cologne: (*Jogging cage*) There, it moved!

Akane: No, he didn't. That was you pushing the cage!

Cologne: I did not!

Akane: Yes, you did. (*takes pig out of cage, shouts*) Hello, P-chan,
P-chan (*bangs it 	 	 against counter*) P-chan, wake up. Piggy-wiggy
(*throws P-chan in the air and lets 	 him fall to the floor) Now #that's#
what I call a dead porker.

Cologne: No, no, it's stunned. 

Akane: Look, Cologne, I've just about had enough of this (*summons hammer
from 	 	 	hammerspace*). This pig is definitely deceased. And when I bought
it not half an 	 	hour ago, you assured me that his lack of movement was
due to it being tired out 	 	after an around-the-world trip on foot.

Cologne: It's probably pining for Jusenko.

Akane: Pining for Jusenko, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall
flat on its 	 	back the moment I got him home?

Cologne: The Japanese Black prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful pig,
lovely soft fur.

Akane: Look, I took the liberty of examining that pig, and I discovered the
only reason 	 	that it had been sitting in its treadmill in the first
place, is that it had been 	 	nailed there, by Amazon nails, no less!

Cologne: Well, of course he was nailed there! Otherwise, it would muscle up
to those bars 	  and *voom*!

Akane: Look, Cologne (*picks up a very stiff P-chan*) this pig wouldn't
*voom* if I put an 	umbrella up its ass and opened it! (*proceeds to do
precisely that, with absolutely 	#no# response from P-chan*) It's bleeding
#demised#!

Cologne: It's not, it's pining!

Akane: It's not pining, it's passed on. This pig is no more. It has ceased
to be. It's a 	 	stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace (*Ranma is heard
in the background,  	 	cheering*) If you hadn't nailed it to the treadmill,
it would be pushing up the 	 	daisies. It's rung down the curtain and
joined the choir invisible. This is an #ex-	P-chan#.

Cologne: Well, I'd better replace him, then. (*Cologne flips the ex-P-chan
over her 	   	  shoulder into a boiling pot where Ryoga's ultimate fate is
the 'special-of-the-	   	  day' eaten by Ranma*)

Cologne: Sorry, Akane, we're right out of pigs. 

Akane: I see. I see. I get the picture.

Cologne: I've got a Peking duck. (*background scene of duck with
coke-bottle glasses 	   	  trying frantically to escape from heavy chains*)

Akane: Does it speak Japanese?

Cologne: Not really, no (*duck in kitchen quacking in Japanese with
horrendous Chinese 	  accent*) 

Akane: Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then, is it. Oh, well, better
than being stuck      	with Ranma I suppose. I'll take him.

============================================================================
==============
Author's notes:

	I felt that the above story was an adequate response to all the
Ranma/Monty Python posts which have infected the FFML lately.  Once I
started thinking about it, I just could not rest until it was finally down
in print. I hope you have enjoyed it!