rbarnes@moscow.com (Bob Barnes) wrote:

If any kindly readers would like to read any of my other
stories, other parts of this story, or occationally rough

occasionally

    It was getting late in the evening on the Nerima
street. It was primarily a business area filled with shops
and restaurants, but most of them had closed for the night.
There weren't many people around. Two figures, a man and a
woman, could be seen standing in the gap between two
buildings. They were talking. An unbiased passerby could be
forgiven for thinking they were transacting business of an
ancient and rather sordid kind as she was young and quite
attractive and he was much older. This was not the case. 

Lotsa passive verbs here... active ones would give it a more dynamic
feel. (E.g. Two figures... stood in the.... They talked.)

    "She demanded we stay to help protect the household
from... er... you, Miss Shampoo." 

    "That no make sense. I not understand. Explain." 

Well, those walls are expensive to rebuild, y'see....

    Without a word the man turned and strode away toward
the Tendo house. When he came into the light it was possible
to see he was carrying a shopping bag from which protruded
the necks of two paper wrapped saki bottles. It was Gemna
Saotome. 

No, it was GENMA Saotome. Nice plot twist here... but again, the
description here is passive. It gives the feel of detatchedly watching
the scene, not of being a part of it.

    Behind him, Shampoo stood still and silent in the
darkness between the two buildings. As always, she thought
to herself in her native language. The difference would have
surprised most people who knew her, if they could hear her
thoughts.

I don't think there's any need to explain that.

    When Ranma met Captain Furutomo in a kissaten near the
docks he had been worried about the reaction to his curse.
When the Captain offered the job on his boat Ranma felt he
had to tell the story of his little problem. The Captain
hadn't believed Ranma at first, but a quick demonstration
with cold and hot water had convinced him. The Captain's
only concern had been put to rest when Ranma beat him in arm
wrestling in his girl form. He could do the job in either
form. 

"Form" there is an awkward repetition... maybe you could change the
latter one to "gender."

    The Captain had been understanding about Ranma's
misfortune, but had warned that Ranma might have to deal
with the unwanted attentions of a couple of the rougher
crewmen on the "Drifting Lotus." After a few more bottles of
beer Captain Furutomo had gotten quite passionate about
life, misfortune, karma and how men must help one another
deal with all of that. As Ranma had helped guide his new
employer's steps back to the boat later that night, the
Captain had even tried to teach him the words to an
increadibly obscene drinking song which all true men of the

incredibly

    "Ranma, I wish I knew where you are right now. I really
miss you." As she carefully folded his clothes, Akane
whispered the words she would have prefered to say to Ranma

preferred

    "I've believed that for a long time, Great-grandmother.
I am doubtful, now. You didn't see him fight Saffron for
Akane Tendo's life. Saffron is the most powerful enemy we
Amazons have, yet Ranma defeated him. He won by not
accepting defeat. Ranma could hit Saffron and do damage, but
Saffron would regenerate almost instantly. Saffron kept
smashing Ranma down again and again, but Ranma always got
back up. The fight got more and more intense as it went on.
In the end Ranma fought all out and killed Saffron. I don't
think Ranma understands what happened because Saffron
regenerated as a little boy, and so technicaly he didn't

technically

    "Shampoo, you make me ashamed! Ranma Saotome is a mere
man. A powerful fighter, it's true, but only a man. It is
disgusting for an Amazon warrior to fear a man... any man!
It's true that men can have admirable qualities, even
desireable ones, but we can't ever forget they are inferior

desirable

    Cologne reeled back in surprise at Shampoo's force. She
supposed she had stepped over an unseen and unsuspected line
when she tried to shame Shampoo with her mother's memory.
Secretly she was pleased. This is how a warrior behaves...

Should be in past tense (was... behaved)

    Shampoo dropped her fist and stood there looking at
Cologne with sad eyes. She continued in a quieter, more
reasonable tone of voice. "I don't, you know. I think there
can be a future for the Amazon tribe. But not if we continue
to treat every outsider as an an enemy or a potential slave!

One too many "an"s

    Nabiki hurried to Akane's room to tell her about it.
Things had changed a bit between them since they'd had that
painful talk a few days before. For one thing, Nabiki had to
acknowledge that her enlistment in Akane and Ranma's cause
meant they could talk more freely in the house. For another,
Nabiki had always known that Akane exercized in her room.

exercised

After all, why would she have barbells and such if she
didn't? Before, though, she would always stop when someone
came in. Now she simply continued if Nabiki was her visitor.
It was a graphic demonstration that she no longer felt the
need to keep secrets from her older sister. To tell the
truth, Nabiki felt rather priveleged. Some of the things

privileged

    "Akane, this is new to me. I had no idea that Ukyou did
that, and no one has said anything about it, around me,
since then. What happened, exactly." 

Question mark.

    "Among some other things she said to Genma was this:
'I've lost everything because of you and that son of your's.

yours.

I'm not here to marry him, you old fool. I'm here for
revenge on both of you. Now defend yourself, old man.' After

Um... I've only read the Viz translations, but that seems a bit
unlikely. Akane eavesdropped on that scene and came away thinking that
Ukyo was Genma's illegitemate son.

    Akane spoke very quietly into Nabiki's ear as she
worked. Almost a whisper. "I know you do, Big Sister. You
shouldn't feel so foolish, though. I suppose it sounds
conceited, but Ranma and I have gotten awefully good at

awfully

    Akane started giggling and stopped her massage for a
moment. She shifted her hands to Nabiki's lower back and
dropped a small bomb shell. "Do you remember a time a little

Bombshell is one word.

    The pressure of Akane's face against her back reminded
Nabiki of how intimately they were sitting. She slid away

>from Akane and turned to face her on her knees. She looked

into Akane's face and said in a transparantly fake, pouting

transparently

way, "You are just no fun at all anymore, Little Sister.
Maa! Where's the challenge in just asking?" 

    Akane grinned at Nabiki for a moment, then sat back as
a thoughtful expression stole over her face. "If you want a
challenge, Big Sister. There's always Ukyou to think about."

Sister, there's

    "I think Gemna allowing Ukyou to defeat him is

Genma

    She tried to tell him that she cared for Ranma, and
didn't think she could hurt him.

She's managed it often enough....

    When Ukyo was in junior high her father had gone away
for two weeks and returned a different man. Apparantly he

Apparently

    Naturally, he hadn't understood. He wept and told her
how proud he was of his son. At last, Ukyo was going to take
her hard won martial arts skills and go seek the revenge
that honor demanded. As she was leaving he had pressed a wad
of yen notes into her hands and a list of telephone numbers
to call in various places around the country, in case she
ever needed help "dealing" with the Saotomes. He then said
something to her for the first time. Something that seemed
almost like a mantra to him. "No matter how powerful a
martial artist is, not one has ever turned out to be bullet
proof." 

AIEE! Don't start THAT debate again.... :-)

    She was resolved, finally, to tell Ranchan the truth
and level with him about how desperate things really were.
So what happens? He's gone! He left town and no one knows
where he went or when he'll be back! Shit! 

Tense shift here.

    "Huh? What do you mean?" asked Ukyou, obviously off
balance. This confrontation was definately not going

definitely

according to plan. There was supposed to be an argument
followed by a fight which she, Ukyou, would win, of course.
Nabiki's calm and confident manner was very unsettling. 

Methinks Ukyo would think the obvious here -- that Nabby is asking for a
bribe.

    "Definately not, Kuonji-san. You should know me better

Definitely

    The work was exhausting and endless. The conditions
were always uncomfortable, sometimes painful and usualy cold

usually

    For the first time in his life Ranma was among men who
were comrades. Men who told good stories and listened to his
stories with interest. He was not alone. He was appreciated
and even sometimes received rough praise as he learned his
job. For a time the martial arts and all his committment to

commitment

real example of manhood had been his father. Ranma now
considered his former crewmates. They were, without a doubt,
men. Perhaps he could impress his mother with his manliness
by sharing a few of Gakaoki's jokes with her? 

    Hmm... probably not. Ranma began to chuckle quietly to
himself. The chuckle bubbled up as he imagined his mother's
reaction and burst out as a full blown belly laugh.

Why not? With Nodoka, that would probably work just fine.

Between the middle of the Heiki period until just before the
founding of the Tokugawa Shogunate, Clan Saotome was well
known for fielding units of light calvary in time of war.
Horse archers, in other words, armed with short, recurved
bows in addition to the usual swords of samurai. Because of
this the Clan adopted the horse as their symbol. Clan
tradition said this method of warfare was learned from
mongol survivors of the Great Kahn's abortive attempt to

Khan (or Khaan, if you use the actual Mongolian word)

    Cologne inturrupted. "You seem a bit tense, Shampoo

interrupted.

    Two chains with sharpened hooks attached flashed past,
under Akane's feet. She tucked into a ball and tumbled over
as she came back down. She landed on her feet with the
chains caught in her hands. She instantly yanked Mousse
toward her as she stepped back two steps keeping tension on
the chains. She then spun in place and pulled Mousse right
off his feet and into the air as she cracked the chains like
a whip.

Too many "she did this" sentences; try reworking some of them for
variety.

    "Yes! I'm Akane. I'm wearing a red shirt and black
pants. You must have thought I was Ranma. Why did you attack
me, Mousse?" 

Aw, he could've done that even if she HADN'T been dressed like Ranma.

    Somehow, P-chan managed to look sheepish and
appologetic. 

apologetic

    The two Tendo sisters stood together, and watched
P-chan as he frantically ran around and around in the pen.
They both smiled broadly at his antics. Kasumi with her
usual, calm smile. Akane's smile transformed her face into a
thing of beauty, as always, unless... that is, unless a
person looked closely and noticed she was showing a few more
teeth than usual. 

So did Ranma tell her about P-chan? I thought he wasn't going to. And
isn't Akane gonna feel guilty when poor Akari comes around,
broken-hearted over her Ryoga having disappeared on her?

Overall, pretty good... some very good plot complications. I like the
Ukyo/Yakuza angle, and the eggs still affecting Shamps and GeNMa.

Some of the scenes were too talky/explanatory, and too long. I would
definitely shorten the argument between Shamps and Cologne, and maybe
the Akane/Nabby discussion as well.

Let's try to have the next one out more quickly, all right? :-)


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics