Hi!  Sorry for taking so long to reply; I did some volunteering, and lost a week's worth of spare time.

Please bear in mind that most of the comments I'll make (mainly the ones preceded by "How about:" or "I'd write:") will be just suggestions... things that I think sound better.  Ignore them as much as you want to ^_^

	For me, Life 

Is it necessary to capitalize 'life'?

began within the blink of the eye.

'an eye'
or
'his eye' ("he" being Kenneth Richardson)

	There was that darkness 

'a darkness' I think sounds better.

around me; the eternal night 

similarly, 'an eternal night'

>from which I

was about to escape.  I couldn't comprehend this transition, not in my
state, nor with the mind I felt.  

I couldn't really understand that last phrase. Maybe 'nor with the mind I was using.' or words to that effect?

As the world came into focus, many
thoughts drifted across my mind, 

mind.
or
mind;

Who am I?  Where am I?

Hmmm... from the tone of the fic, I have a feeling that thoughts should be denoted somehow... the ASCII equivalent of italics.

	All things became lost in the view of his face.  My eyes were
drawn to his still form, 

'still form,' to me, suggests someone who's not moving at all... who's sleeping, unconscious, or dead.  I don't know what else you could use here, though.... ^_^;;

perhaps thirty years of age, softly turning pages in a book.  
I sat up, at odds with my body.  It felt so very strange.
	The man glanced up now, 

The man glanced up then,

(continuing with the past tense you've been using all along)

his eyes burning with the most peculiar
passion.  A strange fire lighting 

lit

his face brightly.  Before I had even
moved, his mouth moved 

Repetitious; I'd re-word the second half of this sentence to avoid using 'moved' again.

to the soft whispered words, "My daughter." 
	We stared at one another for several more seconds before he spoke,
"I am so glad you're wake 

awake

at last.  You gave me quite a scare when you didn't 
awaken immediatley after the procedure.  How are you feeling?"
	"Confused,"  I replied, my voice sounding strange even to me.  It
was the voice of a young girl...but 

girl... but

(Actually, I'm not sure about this one.  If you know better on this issue, ignore me ^_^)

surely I was older than that?
	He smiled pleasantly, 

pleasantly.

"My name is Kenneth Richardson, and I 
created that wondrous body you are wearing."
	"Body?"  I was not startled.  Rather, I was more surprised I hadnt

hadn't

discovered it myself, 

myself.

"Am I a machine?"
	Ken shook his head slowly, "No, dear one, you are not a a machine,
but your body is.  Let me explain myself a little better."  He pointed to
my forehead.  "The human brain is a massive computer

I'd put a comma here:

computer,

able to store a _lot_ of 
information."  He shrugged, "The science of the brain is largely unknown, 
other than the fact it runs basically on electrical waves...much 

waves... much

like a computer.  
I stuided 

studied

for years to connect the brain to a perfect body, thus providing respite 
for paraplegics and quadriplegics who wished for their bodies back."  He grinned 
now, "It might even be an aid to premature babies or the mentally deficient."
	As I listened, I stood up to test my body.  In the corner I saw a
simple metal table with a reflective surface.  Carefully walking over to
it, I gazed upon my youthful face.  I stared into the face of a six year
old girl, blonde 

blond

('blonde' is a French word with two meanings: 1. as an adjective, the feminine form of 'blond' 2. as a noun, someone's girlfriend) 

hair curling around a pleasantly tanned face, and
attractive green eyes.

Hmmm... that last phrase seems somehow out of place.  How about:

I stared into the face of a six year old girl, blond hair curling around a pleasantly tanned face with attractive green eyes.

	Fascination became horror, 

horror.

I feel so old, yet this face is so
young.  

Either denote them as thoughts, or put them into past tense:

I felt so old, yet this face was so young.

I slid my hands down the synthtic skin coating my arms, through my
golden locks, 

locks.

Who am I?  What am I?

I've said it before, and I won't say it again. ^_^

	Kenneth had obviously seen my distress, for I felt his arms softly
surround me in a hug, 

hug.

"I dont 

don't

know who you are, but that doesn't matter now.
Your body died of a heart failure, but the mind was still alive."  He
paused, 

paused.
or
paused;

"I revived what I could, and did what I was able.  What are you?
It's a simple question...you 

question... you

are my daughter.  My flesh and blood come
true."
	I closed my eyes against the pain within my chest, 

chest.

"Why?"  I cried,
struggling against his arms.  "Why do this to me?  Why not let me die?  I
can't even remember who I _am_!  What'll I become...I

become... I

don't even know my own
future."
	Kenneth fell back into his seat, pulling me onto his lap.  "Shh,"
he crooned softly, 

softly.

"I can't help you with some things.  But don't be afriad

afraid

of what you were, or who you were.  That person no longer exists.  You're a
new, completely different person, able to do and accomplsih 

accomplish

what _you_
want to accomplish!"  He smiled down into my face,

face.

"You're with me now,
little one.  And frankly...I 

And, frankly, I

(I wouldn't use an ellipsis here, but that's probably just me ^_^)

need you as much as you need me."
	I gazed into those sorrowful eyes, so full of pain and hurt.  This
was a man who needed the love of one of his brood.  I looked at the pain
stricken 

I'd hyphenate:

pain-stricken

face he tried to hide, to give me some inkling of comfort.

For some reason, my feverish brain insists that 'to give me some inkling of comfort' refers back to 'I' simply because of the comma.  I'd write this sentence as:

I looked at the pain-stricken face he tried to hide in order to give me some inkling of comfort.

(but that's probably just me again... ^_^)

	Slowly, my fears diminished, and I crawled more fully into his
lap.  Every man perhaps needs to be a father, and who was I to deny _my_
father his chance?

[snip]

	---------
	How can I express?  Part 2 of 5
	---------

	My seventh birthday party.  It was a gay, happy affair, Daddy
spoiling me without an inkling of concern.  Long streamers, bright colors,
a huge cake in the center of the room, and all my friends from school all
excitedly sharing in the fun.  
	Nearly a full year since my birth into this world as a new person,
a new and free person.  

I'd write: 

It had been nearly a full year...

You can probably get away with the sentence fragment for stylistic reasons, but I wouldn't. (It's another one of those "just me" things again ^_^)

After that first night of sorrow, I discovered I
had the unique ability to view the world in different lights than 

in different lights from

most
people.  I felt much more happy about myself, and it was a good feeling.
I even named myself after Daddy's wife's mother, also deceaced.  

deceased.

Allana...
	Daddy helped me to adjust to my new life with entirely new
situations.  He introduced me to art, and I loved it, able to express my
feelings in simple paintings and posters.  Daddy hung each one on the
refrigerator, until I demanded in a spite 

in spite

that he take them down because
they simply weren't good enough.
	Church was a new and unique experience for me.  Sunday school
easily became my favorite past-time, 

pastime,

for I absolutely loved listening to
the preacher, constantly timing him with my infallible mental clock.  I
guess it is obvious to state I became I full fledged

to state that I became a full-fledged

Christian, accepting
Jesus into my heart easily, with the grace of a child.
	Even to this day, I do not doubt the word of the bible.
	Daddy, of course, took all of my fascinations in stride.  Somehow
he could easily spoil me, but maintain discipline on me in subtle ways.  I
look back on my past with fondness.  Daddy was so patient with me...I

me... I

think he rather enjoyed it.
	He supervised my body's growth and my inherent mental capacity with
a strictness I found fascinating.  He kept me in check as well, not
allowing me to use my greater strength and reflexis 

reflexes

in games with my
schoolmates.  
	With my new life, it was so easy to forget about that first day;
In fact, 

day.  In fact,
or
day; in fact,

even as I write this is the only time I have thought about it in
years.

This phrase doesn't sound quite right.  How about:  

even as I write this, I realize that this is the only time I have thought about it in years.  

(or something like that anyway ^_^)

	In the August of my sixth year, Daddy lined me up with the other
children for introduction into first grade.   But my teachers were so
surprised with me, I 

me, that I

found myself skipping into higher grades easily,
finally settling into my 

the

fourth grade, making friends with the older
children easily, despite my age.

I'd make that last bit into a new sentence:

I made friends with the older children easily, despite my age.
	

	Then, one day, my life changed.  Perhaps for the better, perhaps
for the worse.  I have yet to decide, but I know many things in my life
would not have come about without it.

I'd have written:

Perhaps for the better, perhaps for the worse; I have yet to decide.  I know many things in my life would not have come about without it, however.

	A substitute teacher to our class was so obviously impressed with
me, she payed 

that she paid

a visit to Daddy, who had just returned from a conference in
Seattle, and due to leave in only a day or two to meet a man in
Tallahasee.

I'd start a new sentence: 

He had just returned from a conference in Seattle, and was due to leave... etc.

	I learned just _why_ she was so impressed when she sat down on the
couch, accepting my offer of tea with a bright smile.  "I say,"  she
exclaimed to my father as I left, "She looks almost exactly like my
daughter...little 

daughter... little

Mary."
	Daddy sounded surprised, and sad, 

I don't think these two commas are necessary...

as he replied, "Oh?  That is
strange.  I'd like to meet her."
	Mrs. Carter laughed half heartedly, 

halfheartedly,

"Oh, I'm afraid that's
impossible, Mr. Richardson.  Mary died...several years ago 

died... several years ago, 

in fact."
	My heart froze within my chest, 

chest.

I nearly dropped the tea-pot,
super-human reflexes notwithstanding.  I heard Daddy softly say, "I'm very
sorry to hear that."
	"So am I,"  Mrs. Carter replied just as softly.  "Anyway, I just
thought the similarity so great."
	Daddy laughed, 

I'd end the sentence here:

Daddy laughed.

"They say everybody has twins somewhere in the
world.  Perhaps... " I came in with the tea-pot, and handed a cup to Mrs.
Carter.
	"Would you like some sugar,"  I asked sweetly, holding out the small
jar.  She smiled back, her eyes showing pleasure.
	"Thank you, no."  
	At her dismissal, I sat down next to Daddy, and cuddled up against
his side.  "Daddy, I'm sorry for interupting, but where am I going to stay
while youre 

you're

in Florida?"
	He blinked down at me, surprised.  Usually I stayed by myself, or
came with him.  "I'm not sure, Allana.  Do you have any friends you can stay
with?"
	"No,"  I smiled, and cast a quick glance at Mrs. Carter, who was
absently staring into her tea-cup.  Daddy caught my glance, and quickly
realized my plan.  
	Daddy sighed, and turned toward her, 

her.

"Mrs. Carter, pardon my
rudeness, but do you have any extra room in your house?"
	"What?"  she asked, blinking up at us.  "I'm sorry, I didn't hear that."
	He laughed, 

I'd put: 'laughed.'  It's probably just me ^_^

"My daughter doesn't have a place to stay while I'm gone
over the next week.  I was curious if you would be able to let her have a
place.  It would perhaps give you a chance to be with the daughter you
lost."
	"I dont 

don't

know,"  

know."

Her face echoed unsurety, 

This is kind of awkward.  Is 'unsurety' a word?  (can you tell, I'm too lazy to go look it up myself...  Besides, the nearest dictionary to me is an hour-long ride away via public transit.)  How about:

Her face echoed uncertainty,
or
Her face showed how unsure she was,

but her eyes were excited.
	"She doesn't eat much, and she's very well-behaved."  He laughed
suddenly, "I sound like I'm speaking of a dog here!  I promise shes

she's

house-trained as well."
	Mrs. Carter laughed at his joke, 

joke.

"Mr. Richardson...I think I would
love the chance in all reality.  It would be good having another child in
the house."  Her face broke into a sunny smile, and she looked at me, 

me.

"Do
you think you can stand having an older brother for a while?"
	"It'd be cool,"  I grinned at her, 

I'd have that phrase stand alone as a complete sentence.  

cool!"  I grinned at her.

"I never have anybody to play with,
other than this big goof!"  I lightly punched Daddy in the stomach.
	Daddy laughed, 

laughed.

"Alright, go pack your stuff 

stuff,

munchkin."  As I ran up
the stairs, he continued, "I'll drop her off on my way to the airport
tomorrow.  Will three o clock be alright?"
	"It would be fine," Mrs. Carter replied with a soft smile.

	---------
	How can I express?  Part 3 of 5
	---------

	My new life with the Carters was so strangely different that 

different from

my
life with Daddy.  In the morning I commuted to school on the bus with
Justin.  The bus ride was unpleasant, considering I was used to riding
with Daddy or running to school.  But running would have shocked poor Mrs.
Carter out of her socks.
	School was the same.  

I'd put: 

School was the same as always.
or
School was the same as usual.

(otherwise, the reader spends a moment trying to figure out what on Earth is the same as school... ^_^ It's just a momentary hangup, but why even tolerate that much? ^_^;;)

I ate lunch with my friends, took time out
in study hall to finish my homework in record time, then commuted back to
the Carters with Justin once more.  At home we'd eat supper almost
immediatley, 

immediately,

then Justin would start on his homework.  Mrs. Carter
expected me for the first few days to use this time as well, but finally
she came to accept I did my homework rather quickly.
	Instead I took the time to sit and draw designs for one of Daddy's
better AI units.  That was my job, defining and describing the parts,
things needed to improve upon Daddys 

Daddy's

original designs.
	I had, in fact, been the first redesigner 

I don't know why, but my brain wants to hyphenate that word: 're-designer'

of my body when I was to
make my transition 

make the transition

(I think sounds better)

to nine-year-old status.  Daddy told me he could not
have done a better job (which is true).  

(which was true).

Daddy was actually rather scarce

I'm not sure if this is the appropriate word to use here... how about 'lacking'?

in the designing area, being utilitarian and sparse.  
	Some things just need an *ahem* woman's touch, I guess.
	The Carters were odd in other areas.  They expressed almost visual
disgust, even Justin, in my love of religion, and very little intrest 

interest

in
my artwork.  Mr. Carter spent most of his free time in the shop, working
on his project, 

How about: 

in his shop, working on a project,

(I just think it sounds better ^_^)

which I learned later was a simple robot.  I nearly broke
down laughing, considering he had practically the most advanced robotic
body in the world to date eating dinner next to him.
	I somehow don't think he would have appreciated the irony.
	At the end of the day, when all was said and done, the Carters
decided for some family time.  

This sounds a little weird.  How about:

the Carters decided to share some family time.

With daddy and I, 

With daddy and me,

(yes, I am sure about this one ^_^)

this would have consisted
of sitting down and praying, or reading the bible, 

Should 'Bible' be capitalized?  I'm not sure.

or even designing a new
robot or coding a simple AI with one another.  With the Carters, it consisted 
in zoning 

consisted of zoning

in front of the television 

television,

watching satirical programs featuring surprisingly
stupid actors.
	I deigned to leave them to this...pleasure...and tended to go
upstairs to read or draw.
	It was one of these nights, Wednesday 

I'd write:

It was one of these nights, a Wednesday... etc.

I beleive, 

believe,

that I changed.
	It came in a flash, 

flash:

a memory of my life before...

		I remember...leaning over the rails in the house,
screaming in agony, over and over, 'Mommy!'  The pain in my chest swelled,
and threatened to burst.  I screamed and screamed until my throat went
raw.  I began to cough, blood and spittle covering the carpet.
		Then I felt her arms, 

arms.

'Mommy...'
		'Hush, darling, I'm here.'  She picked me up, and carried me
down the stairs.  

		The doctor, staring into my eyes, concern written on his
face.  

Do you feel this sentence fragment is stylistically necessary?  Otherwise, I'd get rid of it.

As I looked about, groggily, he smiled at mommy, standing only a
few feet away.  

who was standing only a few feet away. 

(otherwise it sounds like the doctor was standing a few feet away)

'She'll be fine, Miss.'  He went on to explain my problem to
mommy, and in the end gave her a bottle full of liquid.
		Mommy took me home.
		I was forced to take the nasty formula every night and
hated it.  The pain in my chest grew worse, and I could feel hatred for
the medicine even more for it.  

How about: 

and I could feel hatred for the medicine even more because of that.

Some nights I would stay awake crying from
the pain.  The hatred came easily, and it, with the pain, consumed me.
Very soon, my life consisted of hating the medicine, mother, and the
doctor.  
		Of course, I  had another attack.  This time, darkness was my 
only comfort in the sea of pain ...the 

pain... the

pain of my little heart failing to contract 
past the blood clot which had forced its way into my heart.  And the doctor 
said nothing could save me.

	I recoiled from the memory with disgust.  "Is this who I am?  A
weak little girl who never felt true pain, and hated myself for a weakness
I couldn't control?"  

A weak little girl who never felt true pain, and who hated herself for a weakness she couldn't control?"

I felt tears well in my eyes.  "No wonder Daddy didn't
like my past."
	"Lord!"  I cried to the heavens, willing him to hear me, to
understand my need, 

need.

"Oh my Lord, please forgive me.  Hatred, guilt and
pain.  Are these my only claim to the life I now lead?

That sentence doesn't make much sense.  I have no idea what it means ^_^;;;

 My God, please
help me.  I am weak without you, without Daddy.  Please, lift me up."
	I can't explain the feeling in my body at that moment as I prayed.
It wasn't a touch upon my body;  rather a mark on my soul.  

How about:

rather, it was a mark on my soul.

I felt a gentle
carress, 

caress,

and from that moment on, everything in my life, past, present,
and future, changed.
	For the better?  Fate has yet to decide.

	---------
	How can I express?  Part 4 of 5
	---------

	I died several years later, I guess.  

Huh?  You guess?  Either you died, or you didn't! ^_^;;  The 'I guess' makes it sound ambiguous: either you aren't sure whether you died or not, or you aren't sure how many years later it was.  Is this ambiguity intentional?

It was an almost unnoticable
decline in my abilities.  

How about:

There was an almost unnoticeable... etc.

Something was wrong with the machine that was my
body, and unfortunantly niether 

unfortunately, neither

Daddy nor I found it until it was too
late.
	I was fourteen when it happened.  I was playing catch with daddy,
wearing my Rangers cap backwards, glaring at him with a careful smirk.
The windup, the pitch, and Daddy fell down from the force.

How about: 

The windup; the pitch; and Daddy fell... etc.

Most of the time, you've used 'daddy' and 'mommy'.  I think that 'Daddy' and 'Mommy' would be more appropriate in all cases... in any case, choose one and stick with it ^_^

	He came up laughing.  
	I didn't come up.  I was on the ground, breathing heaavily.  

heavily.

I was
confused, so confused.  

How about:

I was confused; so confused.

(for some reason, my brain insists that that way sounds better.)

My body felt as if it weighed tons, my 

tons.  My
or
tons; my

arms were
leaden.
	Daddy gasped.  I remember it still.  It was filled 

I was filled...
or
The robotic body was filled...

with such pain
and agony, I felt it almost tangibly.  

Well, I should hope so; it is, after all, your body... ^_^

He gathered my nigh half ton body
easily into his arms, surprising me with his strength, and ran to the lab.
	Daddy set me down on a bench, and brought over a scanner.  By this
time, I was able to assist him in many tests.
	We didnt 

didn't

come up with plesant 

pleasant

news.  Despite its use, my brain had
been degrading slowly, almost imperceptably 

imperceptibly

within its nutrient bath.  It
was now to the point 

How about:

It had now reached the point... etc.

where I began to lost 

lose

motor functions, maybe even
speech.
	"Daddy,"  I whispered softly.
	"Yes?"  He looked at me.
	"Promise me I die before I forget?"
	"I..."  A single tear tracked down his cheek,

cheek.

"I promise, Allana."
	"Good."
	
	Then next few weeks were frantic pace.  

The next few weeks were at a frantic pace.
or
occurred at a frantic pace.

I was dropped from school.
I recieved 

received

many visitors, most 

mostly friends,
or
most of my friends,

friends, wishing me well in my next few
months of life.  They all heard 

had heard

about my illness, hearing it termed a
fatal cancer that was incurable.
	In a way it was.  It was the last remnant of my body turning
against me.
	I enjoyed those last few months with a fervor that could only be
called maddening.  Daddy and I patented the suit which gave me life, we

life; we

developed together a powerful new android that could think on its own.  We
watched movies, and ate junk food until the sun went down.

How about:

and every day, we ate junk food... etc.

	I learned the mysteries of life 

How about:

I learned all the mysteries of life that Daddy knew... etc.

which Daddy knew, and stayed up
all night chatting on the internet.
	My fifteenth birthday party was so large, nothing on Daddy's part,

This phrase doesn't quite sound right.  How about:

My fifteenth birthday party was extremely large, not because of Daddy, but due to... etc.

but due to the efforts of my neighborhood and all of my friends who
pitched together and had something of a large community picnic.

How about: 

and had a large community picnic.

	There was 

were

food, people, games, and all of my friends.

How about:

There were food, people, and games; and all of my friends were there.

	Oh, how I wish I remembered everything as it happened, but I don't.
It  was all confusing, but so much fun.  My best friend, Jani, put my hair
in a wonderful braid, Rick took my picture, Sean stole the camera, and we
all had fun chasing him around, until he surprised me, tackled me, and
kissed me.

I'd write:

...put my hair in a wonderful braid; Rick took my picture; Sean stole... etc.

	"That was for being my best friend for so many years, Allana."  He

Allana," he

whispered to me.  "I hope you take it to heaven with you, and greet me in a
couple of years when I visit you, okay?"

So Sean plans to die soon? ;_;  How about:

and greet me in a number of years when... etc.

	I smiled up at him, 

him.

"Okay, Sean."  I reached up, and kissed him
back.
	I don't know who was more surprised.  Him, me, or the crowd of
teenagers that found us a few minutes later.
	Near the end of the party, with the darkness held at bay only by the
huge bonfire, sat almost the whole town and school gathered around the 
podium, where a few of my teachers sat, 

This sentence approaches run-on status. How about:

only by the huge bonfire, almost the whole town and school sat, gathered around the podium.  A few of my teachers sat there,

and Mr. Elmoore, 

as well as Mr. Elmoore,

the mayor of
our small town.
	"Allana Richardson,"  He 

he

smiled at me, "Is 

"is

a blessed young girl.
She's touched the lives of so many people.  I, personally, have been at the
brunt of her attentions many times.  Not many people can escape her joyful
love unscathed.
	'And that, I think, is what draws so many to her.  She gives out
without expecting anything in return.  Her consideration, and love, and
very heart has kept this community alive for these past few years.
	'Allana, I can fully say, 

say

that I will miss you when youre 

you're

gone..."
	I smiled softly as he continued on, finding things to say somehow.
I didn't hear him, because I fell asleep so happily.
	I died in peace.
	---------
	How can I express?  Part 5
	---------

	I awoke with a pained start to the shrill shriek of a powerful
hammer against weak steel.  The hammer slammed down upon the groaning and
shrieking metal with an intensity that threatened to tear apart my very
head.
	"Stop it,"  I cried into the darkness.  But my voice made no sound.
Instead, it echoed in my mind.  Suddenly aware, I stared about myself,
amazed by the blackness, almost desperate in its efforts to cloak my body,
which was the only thing I could see, from my eyes.  

This sentence goes on for quite a while.  How about breaking it into two sentences?

"Where am I?"
	Suddenly the hammer decended, a powerful roar filling the space,
and a powerful flame lit in front of her 

in front of my

eyes, like that of a fire.  

What other kind of flame is there? ^_^;;

"Where
are you?"  A voice suddenly rang through the space, louder than the hammer,
but soft and sweet to her ears.  

my ears.

"You are home.  For now."
	"Are you Death?"  I asked, as the hammering continued.  It paused
for mere seconds.
	"Death?"  The voice laughed.  "No, child!  I am the Smithy, He who
wrought the metal of time.  I am the Here and the Now.  Everything that
has and will happen."
	"Time?"
	"The Smithy,"  the voice, though in essence gentle as a mother's, was 
harsh and rough.  A 

I would write:

rough; a

gravelly voice like that of a man whose throat had been 
rubbed raw after centuries of yelling.  "Death did not recieve you, child.
Instead, I did."
	The flame erupted again, and I saw admist it, a 

amidst it a

large man, 

man

with
rough hands, but surprisingly long and gentle.  

with rough hands, but with fingers that were surprisingly long and gentle.

His face was covered with
a jovial smile, beneath the 

I'd put: 

beneath a

bushy black beard.  Green eyes twinkled in the

I'd put:

twinkled in his

large, expressive face.
	"You are a unique case, child.  Two souls in one body, each in
perfect balance of one another.  

with one another.

So perfect, that even Death could not
make a judgement."
	"Two souls?"
	"The one known as Allana, and the other known as Mary."  As the
light from the fire faded, the hammering began again.  "Two completly
different people due to the wants of a father whose child and wife died in
labor.  You weren't borne 

born

of his blood, and yet the ties between you are as
close to Father and Daughter as the 

they

can be."  I had the impression he was
shaking his head slowly, 

slowly.

"Puzzling, and yet so true.  So, anyways, little
one,"  the fire began to brighten, "You 

"you

shall be split in twain."
	The searing, burning heat of the flame suddenly poured over my
body like a second skin.  Above the rush of flames, the pain, the agony, I
heard the Smithy shout, "Allana Richardson, child of Ken, seperate
yourself from Mary Carter, daughter of Linda Carter!"
	The searing pain suddenly changed into an abrupt ripping
sensation, as if a piece of me was being torn asunder by titanic primal
forces.  The Smithy appeared before my eyes, in 

eyes.  In
or
eyes; in

his hand he held a molten
sword, carved and forged from the essence of time, and plunged 

and he plunged

it into my
body.
	And the heat was gone, suddenly replaced by a cold so intense, it
nearly destroyed my lungs, and I screamed.  

I'd write:

lungs.  I screamed.

I felt hands, large hands,
along my sides, pulling me away from the large warm cavern in which I
instinctivly sought to hide in.  

You have 'in which', therefore you don't need the final 'in'.

Cold metal instruments forced their way
into my mouth.  I choked, spat up blood, then 

How about:

I choked and spat up blood, and then

I felt a warm rough
sensation against my skin.
	A towel, I thought to myself, 

myself.

But so large!
	Then, a different pair of hands cradled me, 

me. These

these hands were
gentle and soft, and the face which peered into my shrunken newborne 

newborn

eyes,
filled with a love so intense.  

I'd write:

and the face which peered into my shrunken newborn eyes was filled with an intense love.

"My Allana,"  the woman whispered wearily,
tired from the exertions of child-berth, 

childbirth.

"My lovely Allana.  Oh Ken, isn't
she beautful?"

Oh, Ken, isn't she beautiful?"

	Another face, my father, 

father.

"Lelanna, shes gorgeuous.  

she's gorgeous.

Simply
gorgeous."
	I gurgled pleasantly, and cuddled into the embrace of this woman.
This woman, my mother.
	At last, I was home!

This was a really excellent story... I cannot wait to read more.  

Megan Jones                   bwerith@mac-addict.com
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Museum/4728/index.html
"Minds are like parachutes.  They only function when
open."  -Sir James Dewar


Free, fast e-mail accessible anytime, anywhere http://www.imaginemail.com