From: Starrngr@aol.com
Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 21:54:00 EST
To: godphoniex@hotmail.com
Cc: FFML@fanfic.com
Subject: [C&C] Re: Ranma-chan:genie of the Ring Ch:1 (revised)
In a message dated 99-03-02 20:34:57 EST, you write:
CHAPTER 1
A new problem for Ranma
Sitting crosslegged in his room at the Tendo home, Ranma held
a
gold ring, with a ruby gem inset. Holding by the thumb and index
finger he studied the ring carefully. Suddenly the door slammed
open
and Akane was standing there glowing red with anger and holding a
bokken.
Boken? I see Akane is in a Kuno-esqe mood this morning... Although I
wonder
if there is any reason for her to need to take anything with her to
this
particular conversation, since she whacks Ranma with whatever comes
readily to
hand.
Well the bokken is handy. In the early episodes she used that more than
the mallet.
"RANMA!!" Akane yelled, "What do you think your doing? We're
going to be late for class?"
Ranma: I think I'm being hypnotized by this magic ring that some
mysterios
benifactor claims is relates to my curse, you Kawaiikun tomboy!
Akane: Ranma no Baka! <<WHACK!>>
<Snip>
Ranma-chan looked up sharply, "I'm fine Akane.
I'm..........."
Ranma's words got cut off as the ruby in the ring he was
wearing flashed a bright red and Ranma vanished. The ring fell to
the
ground with a ting. Akane stunned looked around for Ranma. She
unconciously picked the ring up and put it on her finger.
Hmm. Given that Ranma was wearing said ring, when he dissapeared, I
would
definatly CONCIOUSLY pick up the ring cause it might be a clue. And I
would
think Akane would be more concerned about Ranma's disapearance. One
gets
almost no impression of Akane looking for the vanished Ranma before she
picks
up the ring.
Ah. Okay
Also grammatically speaking, its better english to use "were" instead
of "got"
in the first sentance of this paragraph. And "Stunned" should either
be set
off by commas.
"Ranma?" Akane called while rubbing the ruby of the ring
nervously.
A red smoke poured out of the ring and coalesced itself in
the form of Ranma-chan. Ranma's clothes had underwent an
alteration.
The blue pants were not blue harem pants and the shirt was a red
halter top with a red vest.
the word "now" works better than the word "not", as does "undergone"
for
"underwent". Smoke should coalesce INTO a form, not in. And blue and
red
looks tacky. very very tacky. Since we have determined that the ring
changes
Ranma-chan's clothes into a Jinn's outfit whenever she gets sucked into
it,
might as well go the whole nine yards and make the outfit all one
color. It
would really look better.
true
"What is your wish master?" Ranma-chan said invoulintary
and looking a bit stunned.
perhaps the terme "Glazed look" might better convey what your looking
for
here?
okay
"Ranma?!?!"
Ranma looked down at herself and then Akane. She put her hands in
her
face and groaned.
"What happened to me?" Ranma muttered.
I would think Ranama chan should be a lot more concerned about how
err'...
Much more there is to see of herself in that outfit at first... she
seems way
to calm for what is going on here.
<chuckle> I think I'd better change that
Akane just stood there dazed.
Noticing something, Ranma looked around in a panic, "The ring.
Where's that ring?"
Why should Ranma be worried about the ring at this point? there are a
lot of
other things to be shocked over at this point, and you have not put
forward
any reason for Ranma-jin to realise just how important that ring is
really
going to be.
mmmm good point
This makes it sound more like the RING is granting this wish, rather
than
Ranma-Jin. And 9 out of 10 stories agree that usuall the Jinn ususally
DOES
something more than saying "wish granted". Jeanie's eyeblinks are a
good
example of this. Perhaps something as simple as Ranma-Jin's eyes
flashing the
same shade as the ruby as she says so.
That's an idea. Thank you
Knowledge flooded into Akane's mind about what happened to Ranma
and
what part the ring played in it. Akane looked at the ring in
horror. A
bell chime distracted her and she looked at a distant clock.
*Oh great there's no way we're going to make it to school on
time. Unless...,"Akane thought, "I'll explain it all to Ranma
later."
Akane turned to Ranma and said, "Ranma I'm going to be saying
some things. I'll explain what happened later. Please remain quiet
on
what just happened until I can explain"
"Er. Ah. Yeah," Ranma said still a little dazed at what she just
said.
*Please fogive me, Ranma,* Akane thought before stating, "I wish
that
you were back in your usual clothes. I wish that we were at
school with you back in your male form."
Akane? sorry? that seems so OOC of Akane its not even funny. Also
though
she knows what is going on, It is STILL way to fast for the
implications of
all this to really sink in.
Okay I'll delete that thought
"Wishes granted"
<snip>
Ranma? the original youve got to mallet him upside the head person to
get an
idea in there person? Basicly, I think Ranma, while confused about
what
happened this morning would still not see it as a reason to see Dr
Tofu, and
in fact might see telling ANYONE else about this to be a very bad idea.
And
sometimes it seems like Ranma disagrees with Akane just on general
principles.
Either way, it seems like he caves in to akane way to fast here.
Okay
Kuno and Ukyo would never do this! You know Kuno feels Ranma has no
claim to
even be within 10 feet of Akane. In fact, I dont think Kuno can lay
eyes on
Ranma without either calling out "that vile sorcerer" to come and do
battle or
pledging his undying love to the "pig tailed goddess" And I sure dont
see
Ukyo being calm about Akane going anywhere with "HER" fiancee. Also,
the
sentance structures in this paragraph are very unwieldly. try breaking
it so
that each distinct action on each persons part is a single sentance.
time for a re-write and I'll get rid of Tofu so
<SNIP>
Having just been summoned from her imprisonment, Her automatic first
words as
part of her now Jin nature should be "yes master", just like last time.
and I
would suggest flat out saying "Red smoke poured from the ring, and
reformed
into Ranma-chan, once again wearing the outfit from that morning". it
really
reads much better than what you have here.
Looking at Ranma with sympathy in her eyes, Akane said, "This
ring interacted with your Jusenkyo curse and turned your female form
into a genie. While female you have to obey whoever weild this
ring.
If you touch the ring while female, you'll get sucked inside.
Whoever
made this ring, decided that everytime you come out of the ring, you
will be wearing clothes like those. You can will them back to
normal."
And this idiot doesnt think to question this? IM NOT SAYING THAT SHE
DOESNT
AGREE WITH Akane eventiually, but this IS ranma we are talking about...
and
s/he is almost as pigheaded as Akane.
Yep definetly time for a re-write. Maybe have Akane do put Ranma in and
out of the ring a few times to convice her
seems unwieldy. and since its such a simple thing, one would think it
could
be done with a lot less trouble. perhaps a small flash of light,
instead.
and it should be "wore" not "wears",
Wistfully, Akane whispered, "I sure wish that Dr. Tofu won't tell
Kasumi."
"Doesnt", not wont
Well since I'm getting rid of Tofu anyways this is a non-prob
Ranma smirked slightly and whispered, "Wish granted. He won't
remember any of this while Kasumi's around."
Akane glared at him and said, "Could'nt you have made it so that he
wouldn't go crazy whenever Kasumi's around."
"That wasn't what you wished for."
"OOOHHH!!" Akane said while she slapped Ranma with her right
hand.
Ranma was quickly sucked back into the ring.
Akane glared at the ruby and said, "Fine stay in there. See if I
care."
While Akane walked home she thought to herself, *Ranma, you jerk.
What
kind of mess have you brought upon on us now.*
Akane brought her hand up so she could examine the ring. After a
second she clenched her right hand into a fist and swung her arm
down to
her side. An itch had developed under the ring. Her anger
disipated
towards Ranma while she continued walking.
*It would be so easy to just wish away all the problems, but it
wouldn't be fair to Ranma,* Akane thought to herself sadly
Inside the ring, Ranma was thinking, *Great. I'm the slave of that
violent tomboy. Well, let's see what other options are there.
Kasumi?
No, she'd let Nabiki use my power. Dr. Tofu? Everytime Kasumi is
around he could babble some weird wish that I would have to fufill.
ARRGH!!! I have to wear this crazy costume while I'm in here.*
Ranma remained silent for a second, before she realized something,
*Well at least here's one good thing about this entire mess. It's
peaceful in here. Maybe I can practice my martial arts in here
without
being interrupted by Shampoo's 'Wo no dai airen' and Ryoga attacking
me
for the slightest provocation.*
Ranma-chan looked around her enviorment and decide to start with
basic
katas to get the feel of her new home. She looked up at the red sky
and
hoped she would be up to the new challenges that faced her.
Now this seems more like Akane, and Ranma.
<snicker>
Overall this piece could use a bit more polishing before general
release.
While there is quite a bit of room for improvement, both in the
techincial
writing style, and in the story concept itself, all in all it still
definatly
has strong reading potential.
Thanks for the comments. I am definetly re-writing this before
continuing
Tom Mathews a.k.a Disruptor
E-mail addresses:
mailto:mathews1@gte.net
mailto:dangaioh@eathlink.net
I'll get used to this hotmail account sometim
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