<Sigh> Blame this on cable TV, insomnia, and the recent thread on the ML.

--------

Viewer: Ooh! Time for Nick at Nite!

At 7/6 Central, starting off our nightly lineup, it's everyone's favorite 
show about childhood, growing up, and the stupid mistakes that still 
come back to haunt us!

The Myopia Years

o/` What would you say if I couldn't see my way
Would you laugh at, kick, and punch me?
Lend me a hand to guide my way,
And I'll try not to mistake you for a tree o/`

Voice-over of an older Mousse:
Love is funny sometimes, especially when you're twelve, blind as a bat, 
and in love with the most popular girl in the Amazon training schools. 
You don't always realize that, even though your older brother kept telling 
you it meant differently, her hitting you actually didn't mean she had a 
crush on you. Yeah, but making mistakes like that is what teaches us about 
how to deal with love later in life, the ups and downs, heartache and joy 
that we'll later encounter. 

A young Shampoo kicks a young Mousse into a wall. He mumbles something about 
how she has the most wonderful fighting form, and passes out.

Mousse's voice-over: Yes, I learned a lot that day, about dreams and
heartbreak, 
about sorrow and happiness, and, most importantly, what it meant to know the 
true feelings of the girl I loved. And even though I didn't win her heart that
day, or the next, I knew I had to keep trying, for someday, I'd succeed.

Voice-over of an older Shampoo: What you doing, stupid Mousse? Why you get own
show? And you never win Shampoo's heart...what, you not know what happens in 
last episode? Stupid!

<SFX of various crunching noises, followed by a slight groan of pain. The 
credits roll.>

Then, and 7:30/6:30 central, it's that perpetual favorite about the
interracial 
married couple who always gets into madcap adventures, I Love Laichi!

Laichi: Oh no! I accidentally spilled soy sauce all over Kirin's robe! And he
had 
that big threat to make today to the nearby provinces who wouldn't hand over
their 
pickle-suitable vegetables!

Kirin: <walks in, sees his robe> <launches into incomprehensible string of
Mandarin 
Chinese, with a heavy Nekonron accent>

NOTE: I Love Laichi has been pulled after it was determined that one, nobody
cared, 
and two, we had a viewership of only 12, six of which were also Lucky Gods.
Thus, 
please enjoy this infomercial about a magic cream that will move all your
excess 
fat from your thighs to your breasts and only costs $12.95. Unless you're a
male, 
in which case it costs ten times as much...because if you're stupid enough to
buy 
a breast-enlarging cream, we figure we can get a lot more out of you.

Then, at 8/7 Central, it's the story of everyone's favorite ridiculously large
family 
by marriage, the No Insurance Company Was Stupid Enough To Take This Account
Bunch!

Ranma: Hey, look, I found a wallet! And there's a bunch of money in it!

Ryouga and Mousse: Great! Let's buy some tickets to China so we can get rid of
our 
curses!

Ranma: Okay!

<In the kitchen>

Genma: I'm so disappointed in those three.

Nodoka: Why, were you going to have them turn it into the police station?

Genma: No, you fool, I was going to buy a ticket for myself!

<In the backyard>

Akane: Well, I'm off to school!

Ukyou <to Shampoo> Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Shampoo: Most likely.

<They both throw footballs at Akane's nose>

Now, which would be 8:30/7:30 Central for those of you who are just tuning
in...and 
where have you been? If you can take any more wackiness, it's time for that
crazy 
bunch of castaways, Saotome's Island! 

Dr. Toufu: Well, I've managed to make a fully functioning Harrier Jet just
using palm 
fronds and coconut husks, with seawater as fuel. Now I just have to let it sit
here 
for the next two minutes until something wacky happens.

<By the huts>

Shampoo <in a slinky gold sequined dress>: Ranma, is you no supposed to be
guarding 
place by doctor?

Ranma <in a red shirt and jeans>: I was?

Tatewaki <from a distance>: Sister, that ball did NOT hit the post!

Kodachi: <from a distance> Are you BLIND, Brother Dear? Or have you just never
played 
croquet before?

<back by Dr. Toufu>

Kasumi <in a gingham shirt and cutoff jeans>: Hello, Dr. Toufu! The plane
looks wonderful!

Dr. Toufu: H-h-hello, Kasumi! What a surprise to see you here!

<The plane breaks apart by its own free will, before Toufu can put it through
too much 
agony>

Genma <in a white shirt and blue pants>: Ranma, you've really screwed up this
time! 
<punches him into the stratosphere>

Now, at 9/8 Central, it's time for our very own Magical Mystery Tour as we add
a little 
magic to our lineup with I Dream of Nabiki!

Ranma: Hey, I wonder what this lamp that is just mysteriously lying around
would do 
if I rubbed it?

<Upon doing so, Nabiki appears in a puff of pink smoke, wearing a few scraps
of 
clothing>

Ranma: Gack! Nabiki, put some clothes on!

Nabiki: Get off it Ranma, er, Master. The people in charge have finally
realized what 
the fans already knew, that I'm truly the most powerful person in the series,
and 
decided to give me the powers to match. So, start making your wishes. I work
on an 
hourly rate.

Ranma: Wishes? Really?! Okay, then get rid of my curse!

Nabiki: Sure thing. That'll just be 10,000 yen.

Ranma: But I don't have that kind of money!

Nabiki: You could always wish for it.

Ranma: Oh yeah. Okay, I wish I had 10,000 yen!

Nabiki: That'll be 12,000 yen.

Ranma: Done.

Nabiki: This is too easy.

And finishing up our lineup, at 9:30/8:30 Central...you've seen the utter
wackiness 
of lots of Ranma characters interacting as housemates and islandmates, and the
fun we 
had with two people when they're free to spend as little time together as they
wish...
but what happens when two totally incompatible people try to be roommates?
Why, it's 
the So Odd You'll Wonder How Drunk We Were Couple!

<The credits roll. Use your imagination.>

<Ranma and Ryouga are sitting and watching TV. They actually seem to be
getting along. 
They sit for 22 minutes, not counting commercials. Once, one of them commented
on 
how the action movie they were watching needed more fighting and fewer
explosions.>

Producer: OK, fine. I'll grant that this is odd for them. But it's boring. Re-
write!

<Ranma and Ryouga are sitting and watching TV.>

Ranma: Um, Akane's a stupid tomboy, and she can't cook, and she looks stupid,
and, 
um, nyah.

Ryouga: HOW DARE YOU INSULT AKANE! DIE, RANMA! PERFECT SHISHI-HOUKOUDAN!

Ranma: No, you moron, we're in an apartm-

<A pair of pedestrians across the street watch the building collapse.>

Pedestrian: Someone must be filming a summer movie.

Producer: Um...I'm getting word that they don't have any other infomercials to
fill up the blank time. We have to put in a new pairing.

<reroll the credits>

Kodachi: OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! This should knock my roommate out long enough 
for me to kidnap my darling Ranma and have a mad afternoon of passionate hot
monkey 
sex with him, despite the rules my roomie and I laid out about drugging each
other!

Kasumi <walks in>: Oh, are those cookies? They look wonderful!

Kodachi: Why, yes, they are! Why don't
you...just...take...one..........and....... 
<she throws the tray down> I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T DRUG KASUMI!

Producer: Great. Stick in the third pair.

<The credits roll once more>

Sasuke: Whatever will I do today?

Gosunkugi: So, Sasuke, what're your plans for the day?

<They look at each other for a moment, and then a rip in the space time
continuum 
opens from the two of them being in the same room. The screen goes blank>

Viewer: Hmm. I wonder else is on? <changes channel>

Man: So you three are really angels?

Kasumi and Akari: Well, we are. She isn't.

Man: Then what is she?

Ukyou: CBS decided they wanted higher ratings, so this is now Touched By an
Angel 
Who Practices Martial Law. I take care of the fighting. And you, sugar, were
not 
very nice to people before these two told you who they were. <Proceeds to beat
the snot out of him.>

Viewer: Maybe I'll just read a book.


Gomen nasai.
-Kristen