FFIRC Presents....

A MSTing of Lucas Scarpati's 'Pyros'

'Pyros' was written by Lucas Scarpati <latin_wolf@HOTMAIL.COM>.  He's
welcome to it.  Ranma belongs to Rumiko Takahashi.  MST3K belongs to
Best Brains.

CREDITS:

Opening/closing segments:       Zoogz
MSTing:                         Andrew, DaveEddy, DB, DC, Desaix, Fido,
                                Gary, Harunumo, Jason_Miao, Jiro,
                                KaraOhki, Keener, Lara, Matt, Megane67,
                                mkallen, Nightman, RMH, Ronny, Ryoucilo,
                                Yukinojo, Zoogz
Editing:                        Harunumo, Gary

Visit us on IRC channel #fanfic, server irc.newberry.edu
        or via Java at http://irc.newberry.edu:8080

***

  Cambot panned over the Satellite of Love's bridge area.  No one was in
sight yet, but there was a huge stop sign planted on the counter.  Just 
then, Joel passed through from one side to the other.

  "Stop!  Lawbreaker!"

  Joel turned suddenly and saw Crow in a blue cop's uniform.  "What do 
you think you're doing?  I need to see your license and registration, 
please."

  "Crow, you see me every day.  Remember, me creator, you robot?"

  "Ahh, Joel Robinson, eh?  You've been warned before, mister.  I think 
this time it has to go to court.  Servo!"

  Tom Servo came in with a pair of handcuffs on top of his dome.  Crow 
looked at the handcuffs, and looked back at Servo's hands.  Then he 
looked to Joel.

  "Would you mind putting these on, sir?  I sorta can't, and.... you are
under arrest, and all..."

  The red light on the counter started flashing.  Joel replied, "Sorry, 
Crow.  Willy and Nilly are calling."

  Frank was playing with the keyboard in Deep 13.  Dr. Forrester was 
standing over him.  As Frank tapped the keyboard Dr. F said, "Make sure 
you don't hit the button, Frank, or we won't have a show."

  "Don't worry, Dr. Forrester, I can actually understand this computer 
now.  I don't need the button"

  Dr. Forrester turned towards the camera.  "Oh, hello Starsky, Hutch, 
and Huggy Bear.  I trust we are ready for the invention exchange?"

  Joel looked back at his bots, who were arguing over who would arrest 
Joel the next time.  "I will be, once I get these two to calm down."

  "Fair enough, Joel, if you can't control your metallic minions, then I
shall start the exchange.  Frank and I have come up with a piece of 
software that will let us not only take over the world, but make us 
filthy rich also!"

  All three on the bridge were looking amazed.  "Are you saying that you
have the next Windows or something, Dr. F?" Tom asked.

  "Even better.  I have the first Windows, and the second, and...  
Frank, will you demonstrate?"

  "Sure.  The program that Clayton and I came up with is called 'Anti 
Up.'  We plan on selling this program cheap all over the world, and 
making a profit."

  "Frank, you're supposed to tell them what it's for.  Instead of 
upgrading, this program downgrades your computer in a matter of days.  
At first, you might think you're on top of the world.  You just bought 
the still-$90 version of Windows '98, maybe even were able to get it 
working without first formatting your computer ten times.  Well, in a 
matter of days, after 'Anti Up', your computer will be running the 
oldest version of Windows still available."

  Frank stopped his typing for a couple seconds and stood up.  "Yes, Dr.
F.  In a matter of two weeks, your computer will run, act, and be like 
an Apple II+ in all regards.  You'll have no hard drive, about three 
bytes of RAM, and if you want to print, it'll take about three days for 
your dot-matrix to pick it up."

  "That's not all that evil, Dr. F.  I actually understood those old 
Apples," Joel replied to the screen.

  "You know Joel, you're absolutely right.  Frank does too, and that's 
why he's actually using the computer.  However, here's where the evil 
is.  I will take all known software, and just add a line of code.  
Voila!  I have a totally new program that I can sell to the mass market 
of technogeeks who's only ambition in life is more, faster, and better.

They'll be hungry for any upgrade that I'll give 'em.  I can sell old 
DOS 2.0 packets I still have around here!  AOL CD's that come in the 
mail will go for $45 at the cheapest!  And when the technogeeks buy, you
know that the rest of the world will have to follow.  Before long, I'll 
be filthy rich like Gates, and everyone will still be running Microsoft 
products that I can tamper with endlessly!"

  Joel and the bots shook their heads.  "That truly is evil, Dr. F.  
Making people buy Microsoft products twice when it wasn't that good the 
first time?" Tom said.

  Joel shook off his funk and walked over to the counter, where a 
strangely shaped coffee-pot with a small tower attached to it was 
sitting.  "Well, our invention for this week will help out all those 
cops that missed the alarm clock, not to mention anyone else.  We call 
this the 'DoCo', for donuts and coffee."

  Crow moved over to the machine, and operated the switch with his beak.

The machine whirred to life  "Yeah, this thing'll make your coffee for 
you in the morning, and then also bake two donuts on the side."

  "The donuts also taste like coffee, for all those people who dunk them
in but need every last drop of unadulterated caffeine to wake up in the 
morning.  What do you think, sirs?"  Joel said as he hit the red light 
on the counter.

  "Hmm, as much as I hate to admit it, Joel, that thing sucks.  Wait, I 
don't hate to admit that.  Anyway, while we're on the subject of coffee,
we found you a particularly bitter post that'll feel like a kick to the 
gut!  It's called 'Pyros', by Lucas 'Lone Wolf' Scarpati.  Better not 
drink it black!  Send them the post, Frank!"

  "Would you like that with cream or sugar?"

  "Just send it, Frank!"

  Joel was lifting the top of the DoCo when he looked at Tom.  "You set 
it too hot again, Tom!"  Joel fished out a black loop from the tower.

  "Can I help it if I like my donuts burnt and with Ranch dressing on 
top?"

  Before Joel could respond, the satellite started shaking and the 
lights went crazy.    

"Oh, we've got fanfic sign!"

***

Foreward: "Swing and a miss! Strike one!"

Crow: I think he means this fic is foul....

Tom: But he posted it anyway. That takes balls.

Joel: Either that or they guy hasn't gotten to first base, if
you know what I mean.

So here we are again. Me telling you the background of the 
stories I'm using, and you waiting for me to shut up and get on 
with it.  I'll make this quick and painless.

Crow: How about shut up and *don't* get on with it?

For anyone who hates 'self insertion' fics, be forewarned, this 
is one. If on the other hand, you enjoy seeing the new guy wander 
around aimlessly and get pounded, you may like this one.

Tom: A Masochistic SI?

Joel: I'm more of a sadist, myself-- I go around not hurting 
masochists... 

This story is (like all of mine) a fragment of a MUCH bigger 
storyline I'm working on. Don't be surprised if you've never 
heard of Magnor, Dark Lightning or Sigil before, because they 
are all mine (and copyrighted).

Tom: I've never heard of any of them! What a surprise!

Crow: Something tells me this fic will rock (and by rock I
mean suck.)

Also, because of how my storyline is set up, I show up quite 
often.

Joel: In a self-insert, the author shows up? I don't believe it!

Call it the last shreds of an ego's desperate attempt at 
self-preservation.

Tom: Fine, but do you have to inflict it on the rest of us?

Joel: Y'know, I don't think this is the way to go about preserving
yourself...

On to the credits! The original idea of this story was stolen 
outright from Gary Keeple, who (opon finding out my plans) 
agreed to give me a shot (and not prosecute).

Joel: Gary Keeple, author of "Lust," Ploos of Honor," and "Hearts and
Mimes!"

Crow: Keeple and Bits?

Tom: Oh, you never would believe where those Keeple cookies come 
from....

His story was "Megmasama, Maska?" I belive, and easily a great 
fic.

Crow: Not great enough for this guy to get the title right, though.

Tom: No, this is Keeple's Megmasama Maska, you may be confusing it 
with Kleppe's Megamisama Masaka.

Most of the setting is soley Ranma 1/2 and as such, the property 
of Rumiko Takashi.

Crow: The same Takashi that wrote Mrmad Frest and Urusay Yatsuba.

Tom: The rest of the setting is soley crap and as such, the property 
of MSTers everywhere....

May she put out a Ranma 1/2 Neo (BWAHAHAHAHAH)!

Joel: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Um... a what?

Tom: Ranma 1/2 Neo Nazis?

Crow: We are the Knights Who Say... Neo!

Also some of the credit goes to Dragons of the Coast, formerly 
TSR, Blizzard Software for helping to create one of my many 
villains,

Tom: Dragons of the Coast, Lizards of the Nile,  ready with a 
handshake, and a big wide smile....

Dr Suess's "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" for moral support, and 
Lance Cunningham, for helping me refine my characters and 
storyline.

Crow: Dr. Suess? Yes, I like Gern Eggs and Ahm.

Joel: Now, P-chan, he's a Cunning Ham....

By the way, single quotes (') denote someone's thoughts.

Tom: And this sign denotes ZZZZ when I'm asleep.

Crow: What do married quotes denote?

       Enough with the Foreward! Let's get on with it!
                          Pyros
                         Part 1: Setup
               By Lucas "Lone Wolf" Scarpati

Joel: Setup? That's the program you run to install this fic on your 
computer.

Crow: Does that mean we missed the multimedia bits?

  In the depths of the darkest pits of Hell, there
stands a castle, surrounded on all sides by a city whose 
buildings looks like little more than refuse.

Joel: Oh...so he's setting it up in New York?

Tom: <deep voice> Xanadu, stately home of Charles Foster Kane. Cost, 
no one can say....

Crow: <Whisper> Rosebud....

The castle itself looks like little more than jagged knives of 
Twilightstone ripping up into the black-red sky, a common 
appearance in hell.

Tom: Twilightstone?

Joel: Yeah, it's on the periodic table right next to Dark Lightning.

Crow: And Adamantium.

But it is far more. This stone ciditel houses one of the most 
destructive forces throughout the entire Multiverse, perhaps 
even beyond.

Tom: A Phar-Mor? In hell?

Crow: Those big drugstore chains are *everywhere!*

That force is known and feared throughout the whole of the 
entire Hell superspace.

Joel: Even worse than the Hell Superfund Project.

That force is also bored out of its wits.

Tom: The force hasn't worked for 16 years, can you blame it?

"There is nothing to do here!"

Crow: "Then go away!"

Tom: "It's boring as hell! I mean..."

Joel: "All the other forces get invited to the great parties, but not
me, oh no...."

 Came the roar from the hallway as a massive muscular, 9"10' demon 
storms through a doorway.

Joel: Meatloaf had arrived.

Crow: Geez, he's taller than El Gigante!  And I'll bet he sells 
better, too!

His head is adorned with twin horns blacker than the nothing 
itself.

Tom (imitating Ataru): Geeze, Lum, what have they been feeding you
down here?

Crow: HUMAN ENTRAILS.  MIND IF I HAVE YOURS.  DA'CHA!

Tom (still imitating Ataru): This is what I get for winning a damned Tag
game?!?!

Crow: IMAGINE IF YOU HAD LOST.  BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

His skin is redder than a bloodwood immediately after watering.

Joel: Now, most demons probably wouldn't think in terms of
gardening metaphors, but this one....

Crow: You mean this demon is Martha Stewart???

His taloned hands could easily snap titanium into pieces.

Tom: Yet he never so much as chipped a nail...

He's not happy. A nervous skeletal aid follows close by.

Joel: A skeletal aid? What's that, a prosthetic?

Crow: "Excuse me? I seem to be lost.. Can you tell me where the other
supermodels are?" 

"I-I-I'm s-s-s-s-sorry sir, b-b-but with the Taneri in hiding, 
the blood war is at an end!

Joel: The type Bs are victorious!

Tom: Wish I was hiding with them....

Th-th-that was what you h-h-h-had reserved the day for." The 
aid peeps.

Crow (imitating Belldandy): It is a tradition that at the end of 
every statement you are quoting, you must use a comma before 
stating who said the quote.

Tom: They're in hell! They're not gonna listen to a *goddess!*

Joel: Yes, you too will be damned to hell for all eternity if
you don't follow the rules of English grammar.

The demon stops and fixes his gaze on the skeleton.

Crow: "Kate Motss, is that you?!"

Tom: "STOP WITH THE OBVIOUS EXPOSITION."

The demon's eyes glowed with a very dangerous red as he glares 
down at the deathly frightened collection of bones.

Joel: Stick to one verb tense, *please....*

Tom(Demon): Have you been eating right?

Crow(Skeleton): Yes, I've been eating my Chunky Soup!

Tom(Demon): Use a spoon! You'll want to get every drop!

"I KNOW," the demon takes a breath and composes itself, "But 
that does nothing to take care of the current situation.

All (singing): "IIIIIIII'm reviewing the situations..."

Perhaps I should try to take up my 'sculpting' again, eh Kel-mot?"

Tom: "No, boss! Not another giant phallus!"

Crow: Kel-mot!  Kel-mot!  Kel-mot!  

Joel: Why are you saying that?

Crow: I dunno, something to do?

Kel-Mot gulps, or tries too. The last time his Lord worked on 
his 'art', his last aid was found in pieces, grotesquely 
misformed, even for an Abomination.

Tom: So, she became Monica Lewinsky and the rest, as they
say, is history.

Joel: It's the abominable verb tenses!

And even now, five years later, they still haven't found all of 
poor Glup's body. "Uh...uh...uh..." he replies with nerve 
shaking confidence.

Joel: He got sent to Seven-Eleven. Home of the Big Glup!

Crow: Well...at least he escaped the rest of this fic!

Tom: In *this* fic it's probably the "Sven-Evlen," Joel.

The demon smiles, revealing row after row of teeth designed to 
rip flesh from bone as though it were tissue paper.

Joel: He probably prefered Charmins.

Tom: The demon was a Colgate graduate!

'It's good to know you can keep the servants in line with just a 
few threats. Pity about Glup, but he served his purpose.' It
suddenly looks away with a look of concentration etched on his 
disturbing face. "What?"

Crow: "I SAID IT SERVED ITS PURPOSE!"

Kel-Mot starts to panic. "Sir, um... that is, see... maybe..."

Crow: "Sir... um... have you... ever considered using a deodorant?"

Tom: "Master...may I...um...relieve myself?"

The lord of the Castle ignores him, which just scares Kel-Mot
all the more. Kel-mot falls to the floor, groveling, and pleading 
for forgiveness. "Please Sir! Don't take up your sculpting again! 
I'll be good! I'll start a war right away!"

Crow: "Please, sir! Not the clown suit!"

Joel: "Please, sir! No more Bill and Monica jokes!"

The demon smiles. A disturbance across the whole of superspace.

Tom: Yes, even demons can be graduates at the Nuku Nuku
School of Smiling....

Joel: It's Superspace! Faster than a speeding void! More powerful than 
a local galaxy cluster!

Crow: Able to destroy verb phrases in a single blunder!

'Something's up. Something BIG. Perhaps this day isn't a total 
waste...' He kicks Kel-Mot in the face.

Crow: Oh, how nice, a kick to the face.  Thank you very much.

Joel(Kel-Mot):Sir, I'm not like that!

Tom(Kel-Mot): Sir, of course it's big!

"Prepare the Gateway for the following co-ordinates. 
32,89,10,80-27,92bs. And get Demon Knight here quickly."

Crow: That's a lot of BS!

Joel: "Sir, we don't have the Gateway anymore. We bought a Compaq."

The skeleton scrambles to achieve it's tasks.

Crow: Attention Kel-Mot shoppers! For the next ten minutes, there 
will be a blue light special on skeleton aids!!

The  teleports to his throne room. Sitting down in his living
chair (and ignoring the usual howls of agony that result) he 
frowns in concentration.

Tom: The? The what?

Crow: Yes, it's the all powerful evil force of....THE!

Joel: (imitating Demon): I'll take boxes 22 and 25!

Crow: I have a match. This author, and Dr. Thinker!

'What would be so reckless in it's Planeshifting? An incarnate? 
Not likely. A technology based gate? No, D.O.M. used those and 
there was no ripple at all. A god perhaps?'

Crow: Are we supposed to know what the heck he's talking about here?

Joel: Nah, just feign interest.

Tom: What would be so reckless in its Planeshifting? Somebody
driving a sportscar, maybe?

Joel: Either way, Gary Kleple is responsible!

Tom: Or was that Kleepe? I forget.

Crow: Give em the Keeple's elbow!

He smiles. 'Yes... a new rather immature god, but a god non the 
less.' His grin gets wider.

Tom: Folks, I believe our SI author has placed himself as an
"immature god."

Crow: I is suitably impressed.

Joel: Immature, yes, but I'm not sure about the "God" bit...

'Perhaps it's time to remind the Gods of one of my nicknames...
Godslayer.'

Crow: Not like my other nickname...Wee Willie..

Joel: Slayers? Is Gourry going to be in this?

Crow: Gods-layer?  So this *is* a tentacle lemon!

In an entirely different part of Superspace, a completely 
different scene is going on.

Crow: <John Cleese> And now for something completely different.

A boy no more than 16 sits before a desk. The desk is
made of two main parts; three shelves and the actual desk part.

Joel: What wonderful description. Makes you feel as if you're really 
there.

On the desk is a computer with no real discernible marks, a 
monitor from Dell, and malformed keyboard.

Crow: Dell? I buy their crossword puzzle books!

Joel: Uh, wrong company, Crow.

Tom: o/~ The monitor in the Dell... the monitor in the Dell... o/~

The screen depicts a scene of two races fighting.  Neither can 
be made out clearly, but one race is kicking serious butt.

Joel: That must be one big battle, if the whole race is fighting....

Tom: They could be races *really* near extinction?

"No, no, NO, NO!! $^@$%#$^@#$^#%^* ALKARI! RAAAAGH!! I HATE THAT 
DAMN RACE!!!" screams the teenage boy 

Tom: Aha! Racial prejudice!

Crow: Alkari? Isn't she the pig-loving girl?

Joel: Bigotry against Alkari!!  Unbelievable!!!!

before he starts pounding his head into a keyboard.

Joel: He must do this all the time. That's why his keyboard is
malformed.

This gets old real quick so looks at the screen again.  On it, a
Bird-like humanoid is beating the shit out of another humanoid
with a big head and four arms.

Joel: I take it that Big Bird is really mad at Snuggleupagus.

Crow & Tom:  o/~ Who's that guy with the big head.... o/~

The word Loser is pasted across the background. "Stupid 
Alkari..." The boy reaches over to the computer and turns it 
off.

Crow: "Stupid computer game! Why won't it just let me win?"

He turns around. In addition to the standard amount of zits, the
boy is wearing some fairly thick glasses, a striped shirt and a 
pair of jean shorts. The boy himself is hardly intimidating.

Tom: The standard amount of zits?  Versus the the extra-chunky 
amount, or the inadaquate amount?

Joel: Ladies and gentlemen...I think we have found the SI character

Short dull hair blocks most of his forehead, his eyes have a 
continual tired look to them, and he's about as muscular as a 
tubesock filled with oatmeal.

Crow: His phallus, on the other hand...

A very light amount of hair is covering his chin and upper
lip, which just seems to accent the overall defeated expression.

Joel: "I lost at a video game... oh, the shame!"

The boy looks around his room, taking in his decorations.  
Posters adorn every wall. Some paintings mostly from a 
fantasy-like decorum hang with almost shame.

Crow: SHAME! COME BACK, SHAME!

He shakes his head and walks over to a dresser. Brushing off the 
top layer of papers and stuff, he digs until he finds an alarm 
clock.

Joel: "No!  It's a..."*BOOM*

Crow: "Ah, it was a boomb, mah instinct as an officer of ze lahw told 
me that immediately."

Tom (grumbles): Figures that the God would be a Frenchman.

He fiddles with it, presses a few buttons and sets it down. The 
boy then takes of his shirt (which helps to prove the tubesock 
filled with oatmeal analogy) and jumps into bed.

Tom: Boiiiing!

Crow: By the way, what did he fiddle: his head or the alarm clock?

Joel: Neither. he fiddled with... IT.

Pulling his sheet over him he rolls over, mumbles something, and
falls asleep.

Crow: "Rosebud..."

Joel: "Stupid old video game! If I could win, I'd get the babes...."

Tom: "I always wanted to be... a LUMBERJACK! Leaping from tree to 
tree!"

Somewhere in-between worlds, there is a place composed of pure
thought. This is where dreams are real and reality is the dream.

Crow: And there's a place with no thought.  Guess which place the 
author was, when he decided to write this fic?

Tom: You have now entered... the self-insert zone.

It is the land of creation and stories conceived by various
beings throughout the cosmos.

Joel: THE LAND OF DAIRY QUEEN. WHERE WE TREAT YOU RIGHT.

Tom: So he's going to the FFML?

Crow: Yeah, and they're gonna flame him for this fic.

The boy is here. "What the...? I know this place..." comes his
the sound of his voice, faint and unsure.

Joel: "I know this place. It's... Cleveland!"

Tom: So, he's been to Dairy Queen before, eh?

"PERHAPS. THIS IS AFTER ALL THE LAND WHERE DREAMS MEET REALITY."
comes a feminine, forceful, and loud voice.

Crow: Hi, I'm Dream.  And your name?

Tom: Hi! I'm Reality...Wanna screw?

The two beings on this plane are not alone. Something lies 
hidden in the mists. Something powerful enough to block out a 
goddess' senses. Something waiting.

Joel: Now, HOW does Mr. Self-insert KNOW this? I think our author 
desperately needs a course in narrative point-of-view.

The boy turns around, confusion etched on his face. "Who are
you? Where am I?"

Tom: "What's my motivation in this scene?"

MY NAME IS OF NO CONSEQUENCE TO YOU.

Joel: "Pleased to meet you, Of!"

Crow: "I can call you "Of" for short, right?"

AS TO WHERE YOU ARE... YOU COULD NOT HOPE TO UNDERSTAND."

Crow: "BEING AS YOU ARE THICK AS A BRICK AND ALL...."

the last bit was 'said' with almost a smile.
  A lightbulb appears over the boy's head. "Wait... I remember
this!"
"?"

Joel: I think he's telling us that this fic is for the symbol-minded.

"You're that Goddess from Megmasama Maska, right?" he says
pointing at nothing in particular.

Tom: You mean that fanfic from Keeple?

Joel: That Keeple guy and his little elves....

"UM... YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW?"
"I read the story."
"HE WROTE A STORY ON IT? DID HE INCLUDE ME?"

Crow: NO.  You're just a coincidence!

"... WELL, SINCE YOU KNOW THE STORY, YOU MUST KNOW WHAT I WANT.
PERHAPS I SHOULD TAKE ON A FORM YOU WOULD KNOW."

Crow: "A FORM 1040-A."

Tom: The goddess shifts into a form he knows very well...his wiener!

Nah, I know how you god-types dislike mortal form.  Besides," he
says with a smile, "to gaze upon your loveliness would most 
likely kill me."

Crow: And that would be a bad thing?

Joel: We can only hope.....

His voice shifted into a Shakespearian accent for the last line. 
A BAD Shakespearian accent.

Tom: "Pig-Tailed Goddess! I would DATE with you!"

Joel: "Alas, I knew poor Yukio...we went bowling together on Fridays!"

There's a pause, and then a much angrier voice speaks, "YOU MEAN
THAT YOU THINK I'M UGLY?" the last word spoken with venom.

Crow: Yep, you're so ugly when you were born, the doctor slapped your
momma.

Tom: Well, I'd have said, 'beauty-impaired,' but....

Joel: Hey, you guys, I thought she was just a disembodied voice at this
point. How can she be ugly?

The boy pales, realizing just how badly he messed up. "NO! I mean 
that after seeing you... I'd probably never be happy with normal
women again."

Crow: What's this "again" stuff?

Tom: Yeah, I mean, "again" implies that he's been happy with women
before, right?

Another pause, then a laugh, "From what I know of you... you 
never were." comes a voice from behind him.

Crow: Hey! Sisters don't count!

He turns to face... "Lina Inverse?"
"Of course. Since you couldn't stand my 'Godlike beauty', I 
decided that this form would be appropriate. Now then Lucas, 
lets get down to business."

Joel: Hopefully, Lucas will make a joke about her breast size, and....

All: DRAGON SLAVE! DRAGON SLAVE!

Lucas looks at her strangely, then blinks, "Huh? Oh yeah! Lets 
see, you want me to enter another universe, Ranma 1/2?" Lina 
nods, "And try to 'fix' it, right?"

Joel: Yeah, before it 'fixes' you.

Tom: But what if Ranma doesn't want to be fixed?

"Okay... but on the following terms." Lina raises an eyebrow.

Crow: "One, I wanna be a girl!"

Tom: "Two, I get to shag Ranma"

Crow: "Three, I wanna be a HERMAPHRODITE girl!"

Tom: "Four, I get to shag P-chan!"

"One, no mermaids flesh. Two, aside from teaching me japanese, 
no new tricks. And I go in as is."
"Why?"

Joel: "Because I'm such a great guy that I'll impress everyone
without any changes."

Crow: Ahh... he's not only taking Gary Keeple as his inspiration, but 
Mike Ploader.

Tom: Ploader...the pfunny author with the pfunny pname.

"I'm curious if I could actually do it. Survive in the 
Ranmaverse."
"You are very demanding for a mortal.

Tom: "And very, very, very stupppiiiddd."

You know, I could just force you into another world, or see how 
long you'd last in one of the Robotech wars." the last bit said 
with a smile.

Crow: Make him visit the Overfiend!

Tom: PLEASE DO THAT!!!!!

Crow: Make him visit the Overfiend!

"You do, and your bosses are sure to notice. Somehow I doubt
that they'd enjoy having to chat with you again. I bet you'd 
dislike it even more." replies Lucas offhandedly.

Joel: If Amelia is their boss, I'm leaving.

Crow: Maybe it's Xellos?

Tom: Naga?

Joel: Gourry?

Tom: Clinton?

Joel: No, it's...Takashi!

Crow: Wait a minute!......Take-a-Shi...

Joel:  CROW!

"You are obviously in charge of dreams, or else you'd be caught
and probably striped of your power for trespassing. You also are
changing dreams to entertain yourself.

Joel: Where the #$%^ is he GETTING this?

Tom: It's that dastardly Kleepe's influence!

Crow: Don't you mean that Dastarly Keeple's influence?

Using your job for pleasure is fine, but ignoring it is bad. Did 
I miss anything?" says Lucas with a Nabiki-esque smile.
"..." replies the goddess smartly.

Tom: That clever Lucas!

Joel: Yes, you missed the whole point of the fic this was supposedly 
based on!

"Do we have a deal?" says Lucas, pressing the advantage. After
glaring at Lucas, Lina nods.

Crow: Deal?

Tom: Ah, yes... it was I get your soul, you get the blow-up Chibausa
doll, wasn't it?

Joel: "Here's the deal. You will go into my universe, and serve as
comic relief."

Tom: While everyone sorts everything out by themselves.

The figure in the mists draws closer.

Crow: Do you suppose these figures are gorillas?

'I rather like this brat. He could prove rather... amusing,'

Tom: Would that be before or after you screw with him?

Joel: I love brats! Especially with some sauerkraut and a glass of 
beer!

"Great! Give me one second." Lucas holds out his hand, 
concentrates and a beat up old backpack appears in it.

Joel: "Hyper...Backpack...SUMMON!!!"

Tom: "You fool!  You've wasted your one wish to get an old backpack!"

Crow: "But the backpack is full of tasty doggy treats!"

"I love this place!" He slings the pack over one shoulder and 
faces Lina. "Ready."

Tom: "I LOVE this place! It makes me want to... just... SING!"

Crow: Stop that! STOP THAT! You're not gonna do a song while I'm here!

Joel: -o/~ I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay.... o/~

Lina grumbles something about "that damn union" an gestures at
Lucas. A portal opens behind him, and proceeds to suck him in.

Crow: And the fic acquires an 'adult' rating!

Joel: I don't think it's the portal that sucks here, guys....

Just before Lucas falls in, the figure lying in wait attacks.
The being moves to fast for either to see, but the goddess 
senses it. The unknown blur slams right into Lucas' head.

All: IT'S GARY KEEPLE!!!!

Joel: He's out for blood!

Tom: He's not unknown!

Crow: He's sick of people confusing him with Gary Kleppe!

He screams in pain as he falls in the portal. The glowing bluish
gray hole seals up and the goddess is left alone with her 
thoughts.

Tom: "I thought he was never going to leave!"

'What the hell was that?'

Joel: Think about it, Lina. It was a narrative paragraph!

Crow: Hopefully a SI character going off to a painful death....

'Maybe this wasn't such a good idea... Janus was very strict the
last time I tried this... and that strange sense around the 
boy... it was like he was ... incomplete, missing part of his
soul.'

Tom: 'And a large section of his brain...'

Joel: When Janus was passing out brains, Lucas thought he said trains 
and he said, "Aw, man, Amtrak sucks!"

'What was that thing? The only time I'd ever seen anything like
it was during the history lessons, about the second war between 
Heaven and Hell.

Tom: Five years after the First Great War.....

Crow: Before the Second Pretty Good War....

Joel: And a few years after the Moderately OK War

Crow: And a decade before the so-so, we-really-didn't-need-to-fight, 
but-what-the-heck war.

That would make it... no, no it couldn't be. A demon I would've 
sensed a mile away. Then... what was it?'

Tom: Rumiko Takashi herself!

For the first time since her last trial, the goddess was really
scared. Whatever that... thing was, it could block out a Level 
20 Goddess's senses.

Tom: Her trial? Was she pulled over for speeding?

Joel: Maybe she just needs an upgrade?

That meant it was old, and incredibly powerful. If it was 
evil... that universe would be mulch.

All: MULCH?!?

Crow: Hey, he's just trying to plant a notion in the readers' 
minds....

Tom: So it'll take root....

Joel: And he knows a lot about gardening....THE DEMON _IS_ 
MARTHA STEWART!

The path he fell through was bluish, but Lucas did not see it.

Tom: He was thinking, "Superstores! I'll build Lucas's Liquor
Superstores!"

All he felt was some...thing in his mind eating away at his
memories, his dreams, his identity.

Joel: Which, granted, didn't amount to much more than a hors
d'oeuvre....

Crow: See, kids! Fanfics DO rot your brain!

Tom: Especially self-inserts.

Crow: This is your brain... this is your brain on SI fics....

Joel: Any questions?

Lucas didn't see the path's opening, nor did he see where he 
landed. All he saw was water.

Crow: "I wet 'em."

All he felt was an incredible burning sensation around his 
whole body.

Tom: The itching... the burning... spring of Drown Athlete's Foot!

Seemingly of it's own will his body shot out of the water, 
landing in a heap on the ground.

Crow: Even the springs don't want him..

Tom: "Bud...weis...er...."

Crow: What was it a heap of that he landed on?

Joel: Maybe he fell into the Spring of Drowned Heap?

The last thing he thought before he fell unconscious was, 'At 
least it could be worse.'

Crow: Rule #473: Never say, "It could be worse."

Something in his mind assured him that it could not. Then all 
faded to blackness.

Tom: He got the cliche backwards. He's supposed to think it CAN'T be 
worse and then the voice should assure him that it WILL be.

Crow: All I have to say... "Nice fade."

The guide saw the whole thing. Another portal had opened up,
like the ones those strange Japanese people kept using.

Joel: Those wacky Japanese!

Crow: The sad thing is, they make better portals for less money.

Then some boy had fallen out of the portal, and straight into a 
pond.

Joel: Now I'm going to have to clean the pool *again*!

Crow: Hey, buddy...Can't you read the signs? No Swimming!

Before the boy even hit the water, the guide was already
running. Gliding with practiced ease between the springs, he 
came to the spring the boy had fallen in and blanched.

Tom: Oh, no, it's the Spring of Drowned Idiot!

Crow: "Is not all that tragic story."

"Oh-no sir! This not good at all!" he reached down and plucked 
up the small reddish-orange bird at his feet and ran back to the 
hut.

Joel: Oh my God! It's Toucan Sam!

Tom: "Sir! This parrot is dead! It is no more! It has ceased to be!"

Crow: Wonder if it's carrying a one pound coconut...

When Lucas came to, he saw the inside of a shack. A beaten down
hut. A chubby man in a green suit was busy making tea.

Joel: Lucas then noticed the man was reading: "1,001 bird recipes."

Lucas tried to ask him what was going on. All that came out was 
a bird cry.

Crow: "I tawt I taw a puddy tat!"

Tom: "I tought I taw a guide who's fat!"

Crow: "All the little jay bird on blue-bird street..."

The chubby guy turned to face Lucas. Lucas didn't notice, he was
to busy being shocked.

Joel: So, you whizzed on the electirc fence, didja?

Crow: Let's see, he's used the Spring of Drowned Yadda, Yadda; had him 
faced to face with Lina Inverse, and he's an SI character that 
formerly was a god.  Did I leave anything out?

Tom: The plot, but so did he.

'A bird cry? What happened to me? Waitaminute.  Who am I? Why is 
a bird cry a bad thing? What the hell is going on?!?

Crow: I want my mommy!

Joel: Sounds like he's fallen in the SOD-Usagi Tsukino.

Tom: "Why did I write myself into a spring of a drowned bird?"

Joel: "Shouldn't I be kicking Ryouga's butt about now?"

Tom: He missed the number 3 SI Cliche, though. Give him that. It 
wasn't spring of fabulously cool timber wolf or something like 
that.

The chubby man threw hot water at Lucas. Next thing Lucas knew,
he had collapsed into the ground (fully clothed, with backpack 
and all).

Crow: Preburied.  How convenient.

Tom: QUICK! WHERE'S THE SHOVEL?!?!?!

Lucas shot an angry glare at the guide, then a curious one. 'I 
know this man...'

Joel: Lucas, I am your father...

Crow: I'm not even going to touch this one.

Tom: I'm not either, many state statutes could convict me.

Joel: "We went out a couple of times, saw the world, he'd splash me 
with something... I'd giggle and say something insane... hmmm..."

The Guide, on the other hand, was busy trying to explain what
had happened.

Crow: How many hands does this guide have?

Joel: You see, we both real drunk last night... You say you want to 
make love to REALLY large chubby man, while wearing feathers...
sooooo....

Tom: "Oh, sir! You wrote self into terrible self-insert! Very tragic 
story!"

Crow: "Well...you had drowned and I just HAD to give you mouth-to-
mouth..."

However, Lucas, looking caucasian and having no real idea
what his origins were at the moment, and the guide being REALLY
distressed and having not known English, Lucas had absolutely no 
idea what the Guide was trying to say.

Tom: But being white and not one of those filthy other races... he 
was fine and dandy diddily!

Joel: And *I* have no idea what the NARRATOR is trying to say.

Crow: Pardon me. Am I looking particularly Caucasian right now?

Tom: We have a Caucasian, annoying a Chinese national in his own hut, 
could you send something over, preferably well armed?

"Oh sir! You fall into very bad spring! Is Spring of Drowned
Phoenix! Whoever fall in take form of Phoenix!

Tom: A city in Arizona?  In China now?

Crow: How did a city drown?

Joel: Wondertwit powers activate! Form of a Phoenix!

Tom: Forget what I said about SI cliche #3 earlier, guys.

And if you change again, you stuck that way!" came the Guide's 
usual commentary. Lucas just stands there looking blankly at 
him.

Tom: "Oh, Sir! You must now go and sit on Kuno's head!"

Crow: Verb tense shift alert!!!!

Joel: Guide's commentary, after these words from our sponsor!

Crow: So now he's changing the Jusenkyo rules, for no particular 
reason?

Tom: Hey! If he turns into a bird he can't write!

"What?" replies Lucas smartly, baffled by this weirdo's alien
lingo.

Crow: "I said take me to you leader!"

Tom: "Are you one o' them furriners or somethin'?"

Half an hour latter both parties got sick of this (Actually, the
Guide did.

Tom: As did the readers.

Lucas was still trying to get an English/Japanese answer out
of him when the guide punted him into orbit.).

Joel: Damn...Sign that man to a contract!

Tom: Why is it always orbit? Doesn't anyone aim for the moon anymore?
Alice?

Crow: Does that mean that Lucas will die upon re-entry?

Tom: Or of asphyxiation in outer space?

"Stupid tourist." mumbles the guide as he heads back to his hut.

Crow: "Now I got to clean my shoes!"

Tom: "Stupid self-inserts. I hate 'em!"

Joel: Well, enough of that nonsense, back to dipping rodents into the 
spring of drowned hot sexy chicks that find chubby guides in green 
absolutely irresistable....

Crow: Next on Jerry Springer...

Tom: "My next guest has a too too tragic story."

Lucas was in lower Earth orbit, enjoying the view immensely,
when something told him this was bad.

Joel: That was us! We've been trying to tell him that all along!!!

'Hmm... somethin's wrong here... let's see... I'm really high
up, looking down at the ground... is it coming closer? Maybe it 
wants to say hello!'

Tom: I'll tell ya what's wrong! I'll tell ya what's wrong!

Crow: "It's Mr. Ground! I'm just dying to meet him!"

Tom: This whole fic is wrong!

  "Hi Ground!!"  The something groaned.

Crow: The readers groaned.

Tom: The audience is getting quite restless...

Joel: And the ground, inscrutable as always, said nothing.

Crow: Yes, it remained soil-ent. Heh heh heh! OW!

"Hey ground, you don't have to come so fast, I mean... could you
slow down just a little?" The ground sped up.

Joel: Sorry kid, lots of important things to do... places to cover, 
dead to bury, kids to squash.

Crow: The ground wants to get this fic over with as badly as we do....

Tom: Some tricky viewpoint work here.

Right before Lucas slammed into the ground, the something got
another message through. It read: You're going to die, you 
idiot!!!

Joel: And the crowd goes wild!

Tom: The something is a bowl of geraniums that just happened to be 
floating nearby in space, right?

Crow: Not to mention a sperm whale...

'That would be bad.' he thought as his face plowed the ground.  

Joel: The farmers followed behind, planting crops for the next season

Crow: Hey, guys! What's the last thing that goes through a bug's head as
he hits the windshield?

Tom: What?

Crow: His ass.

Fortunately, he was saved by Takashi rule number 57: No one ever
dies in Ranma 1/2. Not even self-inserts. Unless they're 
lynched.

Tom: Kind of like Ryu Kuumon's dad or Mrs. Tendo?

Joel: What about Saffron? He sorta died

Crow: And Akari's Grandfather?

Tom: And even if the rule is true, we're all too happy to help lynch
Lucas!

Of course, he didn't consider it that fortuitous, leaving most 
of his face five feet back in the new trench he dug.

Tom: He wasn't the considering type, what with no face and all... he 
was rather remarkable in the bleeding and oozing department
though...

Joel: You know, it's amazing how many gardening references are in this 
fic....

At this point, Lucas thought sleep would be good. He didn't
really know why, but something told him sleep would be good.

Crow: So, when is he going to pick his face back up then?

Joel: Man....Why can't he just take a sleeping pill like everyone 
else?

Tom: Didn't the voice say that he was about to die?

Crow: It lied. I hate it when that happens!

Tom: Perhaps he'll die after extensive hospitalization?

As Lucas went to 'nappy-land' the something took over.  His body
got up and looked around.

Joel: "Hi! I'm a possessed hero!"

Crow: Even his own body wants out of this fic!

'Hmm... China.' Lucas' eyes turned to the trench. 'Ow. Bet that 
stung.' His hand went to his face, and touched his cheek.

Joel: "But boy! It takes that stubble right off!"

'Yep. It hurt him quite a bit. Better take care of this...' The
hand glowed, and the flesh healed.

 
Crow: Umm... where the hell did that come from?

Joel: Ladies and Gentlemen... we HAVE godlike powers!

Tom: Yeah, when you're the author, you can give yourself weird
powers for no reason.

Crow: What SI cliche would that be, anyway?

Tom: #27

Crow: Oh, yeah.

 "Interesting... this land has a 50% conductivity rate. Not 
bad.  That IS enough for most energy attacks... I wonder..."
Lucas points at a nearby tree.

Crow: Let's try to pretend that meant something....

Joel: Hey, you guys! The guide book says that there's a 65% conductivity
rate two miles away!

Tom: You! Tree! Where can I find some aftershave?

His eyes glow blood red. "Gometivus...INFUERMAUS!!!" A column of 
black flame, 20 feet in diameter engulfs the tree.

Joel: "Meaningless... DRIVELUS!"

"Infuermaus... NEGETEO." The fire dies out. The tree is gone. No
ash, no dust, nothing. Just gone.  "Excellent."

Tom: "Domo arigato, Mister Roboto!"

   The next morning, Lucas gets up and stretches. "Hmm... I'm 
hungry."

Joel: "What do you MEAN, there's no McDonalds at Jusenkyo?!"

Crow: Hmm...that's the only problem with travelling that way...no 
in-flight meals!

 He looks around. A small black pig with a yellow bandanna
waddles into vision range. That is to say 5 feet.

Crow: 'Waddles?'

Joel: P-chan went wading in Mousse's spring, I guess....

Tom: Wait a sec... his line of sight is five feet long?  Sounds like 
HE was the one in Mousse's spring.

He looks at it with hunger etched in his eyes. "Mmmm... 
unprocessed sausages..."

Crow: That sick little monkey!

Tom: Yeah, he's ripping off "The Simpsons!"

P-Chan (who else could it be?) jumps away from the crazed Gyjin,
and starts running as fast as his little pig feet can take him. 
Lucas runs after him.

Crow: "Gyjin?" Is that an occidental gynecologist?

Joel: Lucas runs after him, forgetting that he can char-broil P-chan 
in seconds anyway, due to his super-special secret powers!

Tom: Ah, not if the pig gets out of that five foot vision range he's 
got.

Despite the fact that Ryoga's little pig legs are a whole mess 
shorter than a human's, and despite the fact that Ryoga has no
sense of direction, Lucas still can't catch him.

Joel: "Hmmm, Phenomenal Cosmic Powers, and all I had to give up was my 
eyesight, ability to catch an ungreased pig, and plot... not bad!"

Perhaps this is due to the fact he trips every five seconds.

Crow: "Sir! You fall in spring of drowned drug addict!"

Tom: Of course he's tripping... you think you write this stuff with a 
clear head?

Joel: Hmm.. think maybe he can't fricassee P-chan because of the low 
conductivity rate in the vicinity, guys?

Crow: Yeah, you need at least 85% to catch a pig.

'Hmmm... this isn't working.' Lucas leaps at P-Chan, who simply
sidesteps it.

Joel: Having no range of vision worth mentioning, he fell off a nearby 
cliff.

Tom: Was Lucas trying to glomp P-chan there?

Crow: Lucas IS P-chan's Lover!

The clumsy one then falls face first onto a highway.

Crow: Lucas, right?  Say it's Lucas!

Tom: Jusenkyo is right off the Interstate, did you know that?

Crow: Right next to an IHOP, actually.

Tom: So why didn't Ranma & Genma stop there to eat?

Crow: Genma would have actually had to PAY for something.

Joel: Jusenkyo! Right off Highway 215, Exit 35!  Come tomorrow, 
Ritual Drowning Day!  Bring the Family!

Fortunately, this being the middle of nowhere, heavy traffic is 
not a concern. In fact, the only concern on Lucas' mind is what 
he should do about the large bus about to hit him.

Tom: Major highways don't have traffic now?  Lucas is messing with 
natural laws now.

Crow: And that bus came from the gonggong qiche niquan, I suppose?

Maybe not. Anyway, the bus smashes into him, knocking him a good 
ten feet through the air, before he lands and digs yet another 
trench with his head.

Crow: So Lucas is a DitchWitch in disguise, right?

Tom: Something like that.

However, Takashi Rule number 57 saves him yet again.  Then it
starts complaining about it's back and goes home.

Joel: Um, what is Takashi Rule # 57?

Tom: I don't know, but apparently its back hurts.

Crow: Supposedly it says that no one ever dies.

Meanwhile (following the previous pattern) the mysterious 
something that most of you have probably placed as that demon 
whose name I wouldn't give takes control of Lucas' body again 
(no, this is not an Edding's Fic!) and then proceeds to blow the 
bus into it's component atoms.

Joel: Umm... an Eddings fic is infinitely better than this...

Tom: Ever read "Day of Emergence," Joel?

Joel: Uh, well... okay, but even so....

Takashi Rule number 57 then runs out and starts screaming at the 
Something.

All: Five more paragraphs!

Tom: Five more! That's... that's A LOT... <sniffle>

"You !*$@$%&%^@#! How many !@#%&*( times did I save your !@#%in 
hide!

Joel: "How many times did I type random digits while holding shift?"

Are you trying to get me fired?!?" T.R. #57 screams at the 
Something.  The Something simply blows him to atoms.

Crow: So that means people can die now?

Tom: And the Takahashi Rule #57 is a guy?

Joel: No, no, no, it's a TAKASHI rule...

Crow: Think maybe we can kill off the author now? Can we? Please?

"There will be no more Takashi Rules throughout the rest of this 
story pertaining to the stoppage of Death, destruction, or 
mayham.

Crow: What about Juneham?

Joel: "Mayham." That would be P-chan, during the fifth month of the 
year.

I am very serious about this, Narrator." Said the idoitic 
Somethi--OW! OKAY! OKAY!

Joel: This is sad. Very, very sad.

Tom(Narrator): Take me, baby!

Joel: I think he's just blown the Fourth Wall to atoms....

Crow: If the Takashi rule is now revoked, I want to test it now......

"Good." the Something- "Oh, just tell them my name
already." FINE.  MAGNOR gestures at P-Chan (who upon seeing the 
Bus get blown up, did what any self respecting martial artist 
would do if faced with immianate destruction. Run like hell).

Tom: Now, see, class, this is an example of how an author successfully
keeps his readers in suspense by withholding information from them. If
he had just told us "Magnor" in the beginning, it would've spoiled
everything.

Crow: What kind of a name is Magnor for a demon? That's like having a 
guy named Bubba as President of the United States! Um... waitaminute...

Tom: Umm... what was the gesture that Magnor gave to P-chan, anyway?

Joel: Maybe he was flipping the bird...

Crow: This little piggy says "F--- off!"

P-Chan suddenly stops, and floats over to Magnor.

Joel: Why didn't Lucas try that earlier?

Crow: P-chan floats now? This makes less and less sense as it goes 
along.

Tom: Seems to work better than chasing the pig...

'Let me go you crazy superpowered Gyjin! Hold it... superpowered 
Gyjin?  Oh NO! IT'S A SELF-INSERT!!!' all this runs though  
Ryoga's mind as he floats over to Magnor.

Crow: Gee, this fic is so bad, even the characters know it.

Crow: Poor Ryouga's been so traumatized by so many SIs in
various forms over the years...

Joel: Especially the last one where he had to have sex with
Akari piggy-style.

Tom: That wasn't a self-insert, Joel... though I guess you never
know....

Magnor causually flicks P-chan on the side of the head, knocking 
him out. "Now, now. we can't deprive Akane of her pet, now can 
we?" Magnor's eyes glow red, and he vanishes.

Joel: "Oh, my god, He killed P-chan!"

Tom: You bastard!

Crow: How does a simple flick to the head knock out a floating pig?

Tom: Especially a pig as tough as Ryoga?

Joel: That's the whole fic, guys, unless you want to rip on his author's
notes.

Crow: Pass.

Tom: Yeah, I think we've had enough.

***

  "Well, guys, what did you think about the fic?"  Joel asked the bots 
as they exited the theater.

  "For someone who was saying that the self-insertist was going to
get beat up often, I didn't expect him to order around Lina Inverse and 
Ryoga, even as P-Chan," Tom spoke as Joel let him go.  Tom hovered over 
to the counter, and motioned to the cards on the table.

  "What are these for?" Crow asked.

  Joel also walked over to the counter, and explained, "Well, we decided
to play a new game on the Satellite of Love.  It's called, 'In What 
Cursed Spring Would You Dunk Your Self-Insertist?'"

  "Oh, me first! Me first!" Tom pleaded.  The small red bot cleared his 
throat, and continued as Joel flipped up the first card, showing a panda
eating a piece of bamboo.  "Personally, I'd dunk a self-insert author 
into the Spring of Drowned Bamboo."

  Crow did a double-take.  "Spring of Drowned Bamboo?  Does it even 
exist?"

  Tom faced Crow as if to give him a withering look.  "If they can drown
ducks and octopi, I'm sure that they can drown bamboo.  Besides, what 
kinds of poles stick up from Jusenkyo anyway?"

  "Bamboo," was Crow's reply.

  "The way I figured, one of the poles could have slipped down into the 
spring, and cursed it."

  Joel, still holding up the bamboo card, spoke up.  "But why, Servo?"

  "Well, the way I figure, who's going to pour some hot water on a 
branch of bamboo?"

  Joel turned to Cambot, and then to Crow.  "Now, what will you dunk a 
self-insert into?"  He flipped to the next card, a picture of the 
Jusenkyo guide.

  Crow replied, "There's gotta be a Spring of Drowned Guide somewhere in
those pools of water.  Dunk him in there, and the first guide will 
finally get some help. That way the SI author won't ever make it out of 
China."  

  Joel put the Guide card on the table, and flipped one up that had a 
picture of an average guy.  "Well, there is no Spring of Drowned
Keeple, err I mean Kleppe, so I'd throw him in head-first into..."  He
dropped the first card, and came up with a picture of a dolphin.  "I'd
dunk him into the Spring of Drowned Dolphin. The way I figure, since
they say that dolphins are smarter than humans, I figure that a little
intelligence couldn't hurt anyone.  And the FFML would be treated to
better and better fanfic all the time."  The red light started flashing.
As Joel hit it he said, "What do you think, sirs?"

  "All we know is that Lucas came up with a great way to serve a 
dinner,"  Clayton Forrester replied.  "So, we're opening up the Floating
Pig Cafe."

  Frank walked over to Dr. F's side in a short order cook's outfit.  
Just then the doorbell rang.  "Dr. Forrester, if you get that, I'll fire
up the grill."

  Dr. Forrester strode to the door, and opened it up.  On the doorstep 
stood a young man wearing a black-striped yellow bandanna.  He yelled, 
"Where am I now!?!"

  Dr. F took two steps back.  "Well, son, you're in the Floating Pig 
Cafe. If you'd take a seat, I can float a menu on over."

  The young man took a look at him.  "What are you serving today?"

  "Ham sandwiches."

  The young man instantly looked depressed.  "The world is a dark and 
lonely place. Shishi Houkodan!!"

  After the smoke cleared, Deep 13 was almost totally destroyed.  The 
tables set up for the cafe were sticking out of the walls, and Dr. F had
to remove three lace doilies from his face.  He walked over to the 
button as he said, "So does that mean you want some food?"

   \  |  /

  - POOF! -

   /  |  \

  "Does your chef know how to make a shrimp okonomiyaki?"