Subject: Re: [FFML] [Ranma][Fanfic] Waters Under Earth - Chapter 34
From: Alan Harnum
Date: 2/25/1999, 10:45 PM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

genuine interest.  The Serpent did not answer.  "<Walk away from
this, Yan.>"

    "<That is a name I have not heard in a very long time,>" 
"<Not since I did that cooking show, in fact.>"

"<My God!  He killed and cooked that entire family on live
television... and gosh, they sure look tasty.>"

    "<Then stand aside.  Or die.  You do not die easy, I know.
But you can die.>"  The Serpent edged forward slightly.  "<I have
proved that before.>"

Okay, this was really good, up until Shamps got knocked out. But the
part between these two guys is just too talky. It's like, "Right, we're
gonna fight! Right now! I mean it! Be very afraid! Enough talking! We're
really, really gonna fight right now! Etc. etc."

Right.  I may have gotten too caught up on the exposition in the
scene; will see what can be done to tighten things up.

    Akane woke up with tears in her eyes.  Aches and pains 
competed for possession of various parts of her body - ribs, 
leg, stomach, head.  Currently, the head was in the lead, but 
the others were close behind.
Um, I know this is only a metaphor-thingie, but are the aches competing
for the body parts (as it says), or are the body parts competing for the
aches (as it sounds like in the last part)?

Will clarify.

    Then she took in how he looked.  His skin was pallid, and
his eyelids were closed.  The robes, usually white or pale blue,
were deepest black, the contrasting geometric symbols picked out
Ah, so does that make him a Chocolate Mousse?

Well, he DID come through the de(s)sert to arrive...

    Rouge met them in the passage between hallway and sitting
room, red-rimmed eyes going from wary to relieved in an instant
when she realized who it was.  "Oh, Akane, I'm glad you are
well," she said effusively.  "I had no idea what was going to
happen to you.  I tried to talk to people, but none of them would
listen, and Shampoo's father said I had to come away.  They're so
Aarg! Can't the poor guy get a name?! At least she should call him "Mr.
Shan." When you know somebody, you generally call them by a name, not by
their relationship to someone else.

Yup.  You do.  However, I've gone out of my way not to give Shampoo's
father any such distinguishment up until now.  That his name emerges 
at the same time as his personality (in his talk with Akane) is not 
coincidental; it is not entirely realistic, perhaps, but I have my
reasoning for it.

    "Gao Chao, Akane," he replied even more softly.  "Name is
Gao Chao."
Ah, there we go. 'Bout time. Wonder why Rouge didn't bother to ask....

See above.  Author's fiat.

Once again, good stuff. Looking forward to seeing how this all comes
together.

Well, the end nears.  Finally, after more than a year, things have
begun to head into the final stretch.

Thanks for the commentary, Gary.  As always, much appreciated.

Ciao,
-Alan Harnum