You said you wanted C&C, so here ya go.  # 1 on my list is length.
Unless this is going to be a shortfic series, I would recommend you write
about a 10-15 page chapter before release, this one is barely a prolouge,
and more like a teaser than anything else.  ^_^.  This C&C is not meant to
make fun of the author, nor am I saying I am better than I author.  Please
do not take it as otherwise.  That being said I am not going to bend over
backwards to make my comments "soft" so as to be easy on the author.  You
have been warned.

�Mistress Kuno� a servant�s voice shouted over the intercom of the Kuno
mansion.

why would they need to shout while using an intercom?

�Excellent� Kodachi thought to herself as she leaped out of the

greenhouse


leapt out of the greenhouse.  Of course this is either a horizontal leap
out of a door, or her greenhouse has no roof?  *looks confuzed*

Kodachi had a hard time containg her glee. She paid top dollar for

Inspector


containing...... She had paid......

 >while reading the perfect news and daintly drinking her favorite type of

tea.

Um... okay we have three perfects and then a dainty?  That doesn't fit
into the scene you were building to.

�Which package shall I upon first� kodachi thought to herself as she toke
a sip a of tea. �

open...took *unless you had some hidden meaning there, and in that case
nevermind*

Akane Tendou came from a Samurai backround of good, lawful stock and her

grandfathers were two of the >most decortaed soilders of World War II.

background.....lawful stock??  ACK! The image of cattle suddenly springs
to mind. Use a different word there please?  ... decorated soldiers...

�It was stupid instead of kicking my old man�s ass all over Nerima. I

kicked

his ass all over some mountain range.� Ranma was glad to be back in

Nerima

after the training trip. He liked sleeping in a warm house and eating

Kasumi�s

cooking. He liked being back with his friends Hiroshi, Daisuke, Shampoo,

and

Ukyou. Most importantly whether he would admit it or not he liked neing

back

in Nerima because Akane was here.

ACK!!  Don't switch from the first person to the third person in the
middle of a paragraph like that!!  Really throws readers off.  You should
decide on the flow of your story at the beginning.  Will there be a
narrator or not?  If so then all thoughts like that should be done in the
narative, otherwise try to stay in the same person and tense unless
drastic scene changes call for other methods.

�Why would ya wanna go there?� asked Ranma. �It is more than expensive as
Ucchan�s and not nearly as good.�

That just doesn't work for me, how about, "Why would ya wanna go there?�
asked Ranma. �It is more expensive than Ucchan�s, and not nearly as good.�

   All in all not a bad read, and I am by far not an expert on grammar and
sentence structure, so I am sure I missed a thing or two, but if you ask
Mr. Kleppe very nicely he might show you how to do all the grammatical
stuff, he has sure shown me that MY writing leaves a few things to be
desired in that area *grins*  Keep writing this I would like to read more.

===============================================
Sir Asayogure Knight of the True Fianc� #74
Email@ Asayogure@worldnet.att.net (hotmail.com)-Soon extinct (AOL.com)
ICQ PIN #13037350
Webmaster@http://move.to/asayogure/
Friendly Ringmaster of the Elite Ranma 1/2 Gold Ring Site
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/2852/ranmaelite.html
Author of the "Ranma Gets A Clue" series:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/2852/Ranmagetsaclue.html
********************************************************
Asayogure is nineteen, "Akane said. "He is a
'pathological-techno-fetishist-with-social-deficit.'"
"A What?"
"Otaku."
>From Idoru
By William Gibson
*********GRIN!! DAT's ME!!!!************************
"of all the things I lost.....I miss my mind the most...."
Do you think this sigline is long enough yet?
Signing off -Asayogure
==============================================