HARD TO SAY GOODBYE
~By Kayu-chan~
k-chan@rocketmail.com

*Ranma 1/2 characters are copyrighted to the ingenious of Rumiko Takahashi
and company. I _own nothing_ on these characters or their "unusual"
situations. Ranma 1/2 characters used without permission.*
~Be warned, this will be a sorrowful fic but as for a bitter ending?
You'll just have to wait to find out... ^_~
~I recommend reading the previous chapters before reading this one. It
will be pretty confusing otherwise and Kasumi and Kuno, especially, will
seem OOC. Just reply to this or the above addy for more info or requests.
BTW, Kuno's an orphan in this one and totally broke and homeless, also
extremely depressed but recently has gotten quite good at hiding it.~
~Oh, go on, send C&C! Anything really - pacing, characterisation,
atmosphere, grammar, etc. I got inspiration today and wrote about half the
chapter in one afternoon and evening, so there might be a few mistakes or
oversights that would be great to know about. Please, with cute li'l
cherries on top, please send it! This is an important chapter to get
feedback on of any kind! I have no shame, I'll beg until you give in! ^_^~
~My other fics are currently suffering from major writer's block. Sorry to
anyone who reads them~

Chapter 13: Nothing Really Matters

      This wasn't happening. It wasn't.
      She pressed her finger frantically against the button for the lift,
her eyes wide and open with panic. What was taking it so long?! Why did
everyone in the hospital want to use it?! She read the dial above the lift
doors that indicated she'd picked the wrong time to need it.
      She needed to get there, quick.
      No matter how hard she pressed the button, the lift wouldn't hurry
up. Ticking slowly down the different floors, the few minutes it took to
reach her were agonising.
      But what if...? What if wasn't already too late? What if he...?
      Shutting her eyes as if to shut out the thoughts, she sighed loudly
as the 'ping' of the lift doors opening reached her ears. Despite her
crutches, she dived into the lift and practically hit the button for the
floor she wanted. As the lift climbed upwards, she tried to slow her
racing heartbeat, adrenaline crashing around her panicked body. It didn't
work, she couldn't stop thinking about what he had said and how she could
miss it. If there was ever a time that she wanted to be wrong, this was
it.
      Was she wrong? Was she right? Or had she finally gone mad?
      The lift doors opened at the right floor and she dashed forward into
the brightly-lit hallway, catching her reflection in a mirror. With her
hair wispy and wild from her dashes, her face pale with shock and her
dressing gown slightly undone and crumpled, she almost didn't recognise
herself. Not bothering to adjust anything, a split-second later she turned
away from the mirror and her crutches drummed against the floor as she
raced along it.
      Let him still be there, let him be there....
      Finally, she arrived at his ward and headed for his room, seeing
that the door was still open. She ignored a nurse who wondered aloud why
she rushed so quickly.
     Things like that didn't matter. Only time mattered.
      Slowing down as she reached the doorway, she composed herself before
entering the room, hoping against hope that he....
      Empty. It was empty. No.
      Suddenly the hospital seemed so quiet and all she could hear was the
silence of the room pervade her mind. A thorough check of almost every
centimetre of the room persuaded her that he wasn't there.
      Where was he? Where?!
      She realised that there was one way to find out what was happening,
why she felt her heart drop at the bareness of this hospital room, and if
he was all right: the notebook he used this morning. Uncaring of the loose
morality of her actions, she went to the set of drawers beside his bed and
took out the diary from the top drawer. Fear gripping her, she slowly
opened it and turned to today's date, reading numbly out loud what it
said: "I will finally leave Nerima today, for good."
      That means he will either run away, or... or....
      "No," she whispered in shock, trying to force the denial to convince
her mind that it was the first option. "No!" As she rested to catch her
breath, she winced as her slowly healing ribs complained about her heavy
breathing. She wished that she was fitter than this pathetic state.
      "There you are, Miss Tendo," a feminine voice penetrated her
thoughts. "It's time for your painkillers. What are you doing here?"
      Nabiki looked to the door and saw her nurse, Nurse Chigusa, standing
at the doorway and murmured, "He's gone."

* * * *

      Kasumi hummed a tune as she cleaned the mirror in the front hall,
her hands moving in circular motions as her hand pressed the cloth against
the stray dust, wiping it away to reveal a clear reflection of her face.
She smiled back at it as she continued. Nabiki would be coming back from
the hospital tomorrow and she had to get the house tidy. Now that Akane
had forgiven her for her lie, all that was needed to make things perfect
was Nabiki's return. Then, everything would be back to normal, at last.
     Her smile faded. Normal? No, not for her and her sisters. Nothing
would be the same as before, ever again.
      The sound of the clattering letterbox distracted her and she turned
to the door, where two envelopes settled down on the floor. A post at this
time of day? That nice Mr. Ayanami must be running very late today. She
picked up the letters and saw that both were addressed to Nabiki. Oh, that
will be a nice surprise for her sister, tomorrow. As she reached Nabiki's
room with the intention of leaving the letters on the desk, the telephone
started to ring downstairs.

* * * *

      Nabiki tapped her fingers against the wall she leant on as she
waited for someone to answer the phone. Ring, ring, ring. It drove her mad
but then her patience had been getting ever shorter recently. Sooner or
later, she knew she would snap. She nearly already had. Those stuck-up
doctors and nurses on Kuno's ward wouldn't give out any information apart
from that this had been his last day in hospital and he had arranged to
live with friends. Friends? Who could he-?
      "Good afternoon," a familiar voice chimed from the other end. "Tendo
Residence and Tendo Dojo. Kasumi Tendo speaking."
      Nabiki rolled her eyes; her older sister sounded like a telephone
operator. "Kasumi, it's me."
     "Oh, hello, Nabiki! Isn't it tomorrow you're coming home with Kuno?"
     "Kuno?" Now she knew who his "friend" was - her kind but naive
sister. "What are you talking about?"
      "Well, he said that you offered to let him stay here until he could
get a job and find somewhere else to live."
       Oh, did he now?
       "Let me guess," Nabiki retorted with a cold smirk on her face. "The
hospital then contacted you to confirm this because they wanted to make
sure that he had a place to go. And you agreed that he was going to stay
at your house."
      "Sister, what's wrong?" a genuinely confused voice asked her.
"Didn't you know?"
      "No. I didn't. I never offered."
      Silence.
     "Oh, that's odd.... Why would he say that?"
     "Who knows why?" Nabiki replied, knowing why. He just wanted out of
the hospital to do... whatever it was he was going to do. "Anyway,
tomorrow isn't why I called. Have any visitors dropped by, say... Kuno?"
      "No, he hasn't," Kasumi affirmed, her tone revealing her curiosity
at this line of questioning.  Recently, the older sister had developed a
disturbing perceptiveness that only seemed to occur at the most
uncomfortable of times for Nabiki. "The post came unusually late but
nothing much else has happened. Why?"
      "No particular reason. Just curious," Nabiki lied because she
couldn't let her sister be caught up in this, it was her problem to deal
with. Plus, she wasn't sure that Kasumi had stopped feeling anger towards
Kuno. Weird, that. She'd never gotten used to "anger" and "Kasumi" in the
same sentence.
      "Oh! I just remembered!" Kasumi announced loudly.
      "Yes?" Nabiki interrupted, a higher pitch struggling to contain and
muffle her hope from her voice. She gripped the phone tighter, her fingers
tensing in anticipation. "Yes?"
      "We did have a visitor today." She sighed inwardly with
disappointment as Kasumi continued, "Ryoga came and had a little training
session with Ranma in the Dojo."
      "Oh, so Ranma's best friend came round, then?" Nabiki said, trying
not to let her sarcastic tone show.
      "Yes, isn't that nice?"
      Channelling her laughter into an amused smile, Nabiki wondered how
could her sister still be so oblivious and yet so perceptive. Why couldn't
she be more predictable? But no, she had to be as bad as Kuno.... Dark
thoughts drained the laughter from Nabiki's lips and her smile hung limply
on her face, empty of humour. Why did he have to be such an impulsive
idiot?
      Because he was depressed and confused and unwell, that was why. If
anyone was the idiot, she was. She didn't help matters by calling him
annoyance and neglecting to mention the fact that she'd forgiven him. How
that happened, she didn't know. One day, she just couldn't hate him
anymore and that was that. If only she'd told him, perhaps she wouldn't be
so-
      "Nabiki? Are you all right?" her sister's voice stepped into her
mind and dragged her out into consciousness. "You're a little quiet for
you."
      "Yeah, of course I'm fine, I'm just tired." Yet, even as she said
those words to Kasumi with as much sincerity as possible, she realised
that her older sister didn't believe them. Ever since the discovery of the
letter, Nabiki knew that her sister found it hard to trust her. Would she
ever? "Look, I gotta go. Medicine time. See you tomorrow morning." She
hung up her mobile answer before she had to listen to her sister's
untrusting reply.
      Slipping the phone back into her dressing gown pocket, Nabiki
decided that she needed to go get dressed. In order to clear her head, she
would take a quick walk around the grounds. Yeah, that was what she'd say
to her nurse....

......Light snow dabbed the ground with white as Nabiki made her way to
the bus stop just outside the hospital grounds. Wrapped in warm clothes
with her black winter coat hanging off her too slim frame, she smiled
mischievously with her lips curling up at the edge. The nurse wouldn't let
her go out without someone to help her around the grounds. In response,
she had blushed ever so slightly and whispered to the nurse that she was
meeting her boyfriend in reception to have a private walk around with him.
Since the nurse thought that Kuno was her boyfriend, she'd readily
accepted Nabiki's words and let her go.
      Her smile grew larger as she approached the queue for her bus. Of
course she didn't have a boyfriend and if she did, it certainly wouldn't
be Kuno of all people. And now, she didn't know if he was even still...
around. Her smile stiffened into a neutral expression as disturbing images
crept around the front of her mind. As she showed a bus pass to the
driver, a cold sensation gnawed at her stomach and left her feeling so
hollow. Why?
     Settling onto a seat, the reason hit her like a poisoned arrow at her
heart and she help up a hand to her chest. Guilt. And deep regret.  If she
hadn't been so cold and angry, he might not have left without a word, or
left at all. After all, he had no house, little money and no close
relatives so he knew he wouldn't have anywhere to go to in Nerima or even
Tokyo. So, either he wanted to start a new life outside of Tokyo or...
not. Either option meant he wouldn't make through the last weeks of this
long winter.
      As she tried not to think anymore about the issue, a salty drop of
liquid slipped past her lips into her mouth. Huh? She took a glove off her
hand and raised a finger to her lips, tracing a path of dampness to her
eye and gasped. A tear? A single tear?
      Wiping the moisture from the edge of her eye, she realised something
that disturbed her almost as much as thoughts of Kuno: she didn't care.
Here she was, on the verge of crying in public and it didn't matter. That
tear signified her true feelings and she felt no shame for them.
      "I care what happens to that idiot," she whispered to herself, glad
that the bus was half-empty, "I really do." But why? Before he'd lost his
family, she'd disliked him intensely. Only useful to her as a source of
revenue and public entertainment and so if he had disappeared, all she
would have worried about was a new, rich customer to con money out of. But
now all he had in common with his old self was his physical appearance and
voice. He'd lost his very self in the fire that had cost him his
dysfunctional family.
      She recalled moments when she saw him fighting to hold onto the past
while trying to avoid the pain, failing miserably and changing into
someone so different that even he probably didn't recognise himself. Like
a reflection in the shattered glass of a mirror, there were only shards of
an identity left to hold on to, hands bleeding as they tried to fit the
sharp pieces back together. Somehow. And when she thought about that, she
didn't know who she was referring to: Kuno or herself. Disillusioned after
her mother's death, she had changed too and hadn't known who she was
anymore. But then she found a direction, an identity and was happy with
it.
      Now, though, she was losing her personality again and didn't know
what exactly she was becoming. Change scared her more than she'd ever been
able to admit or could now. She badly needed someone who could understand
what she was going through, whom she could understand. Someone she could
talk to without feeling shame over it. She had never thought that it would
be him but she had a feeling that he wouldn't laugh at her or ignore her.
He just wasn't that type of person.
      So, no way would she let Kuno go through what she had. Without his
ego and grandeur to hide reality, he had so much potential and she
couldn't let him drown in sorrowful confusion like she nearly had. No way.
Not when she was drowning too.
     "Last stop," the bus driver called out and Nabiki struggled a little
as she tried to get out of her seat. With gloves on, her hands slipped
easily against the crutches. Finally, she managed to stand up and leave
the bus, heading for the small train station only a few metres away from
her. The cold air drew the heat away from her skin and attacked her
vulnerable lips even before she made it to the train station's door. A
notice tacked to the front of it claimed the station was closed due to an
accident on the line in the morning. She already knew that other local
train station was shut today because of works on the line. That meant he
wouldn't be able to use the train to get out and the bus took so long to
get out of the city that it would end up costing even more. So, he
wouldn't have used either as he just wouldn't have the money to pay for
both of....
      "Of course! I should have thought of that sooner!" Nabiki cried out,
stamping a crutch into the snowy ground in frustration. "He knows he can't
afford to run away and live far from this place because he has no money to
run away with! In fact...." She spun around on a crutch and spied the bus
back to the hospital on the verge of pulling up on the other side of the
street and it only came to this area every half hour. The next one would
be at the start of rush hour."...It's not just Nerima that he's intent on
leaving behind." The nearest crossing was too far away to risk.
      "Damn him! Here goes...." Sucking in her breath, she catapulted
herself onto the road and hoped that the cars would see her coming.
Stumbling across the road on thin ice, the screeches of braking tyres and
car horns deafened her ears. A crutch fell to the ground and broke as it
met a car's wheel.

* * * *

      A school satchel fell to the floor of the Tendo hallway as Ranma
dropped it, glad to be rid of it. He took of his coat and swung onto the
coat hook a few metres away. The clock on the wall told him it was eight
o' clock already. His stomach grumbled, reminding him that he'd still been
fixing the damage to the school fence, nearby gym changing rooms and the
swimming pool.
      "Man, what a day it's been!" he declared out loud to himself,
rubbing his cold hands together. "First Ukyo, then Shampoo...." His
classmates had begun to notice that he and Akane seemed to be getting a
lot closer these past few weeks and commented on this as loudly as
possible. Especially whenever he was standing a bit too near her or
accidentally catching her eye and holding onto her gaze. Both their
protests had only made things worse and, despite his best efforts, the
rumours had eventually reached Ukyo and Shampoo, at the beginning of the
week. Rumours of a baby and an elopement. The school had even reached an
agreement on the name for the baby, a boy apparently.
      At first, Ukyo wasn't too happy about it. The death threats she
cried out on the first day were soon followed by deadly spatula attacks
that nearly scared him with the speed accuracy that she threw them at her
intended target. But, luckily, he was quick enough to dodge all of the
attacks. After calming down, she started acting a bit too friendly, an
awful lot like Shampoo, who tried to hug him while attacking Akane. Today,
just as he was gonna tell them the truth on his way to co-ed gym class,
some girl nearby said a little too loudly that he was taking on Ukyo as
his mistress....
      "Girls," he grumbled, summarising his day at school.
      Suddenly, the phone on the hallway table started to ring and he
picked it up.
     "Yo, this is the Tendo's place, who is it?" he asked the person on
the phone. His face paled as his heart seemed to thud to the floor, along
with the anxious, drooping expression hanging on his face. "R-right....
No, Mr. Tendo's is on some business trip until tomorrow. Do you wanna
speak to his oldest daughter Kasumi. She's good at this... sort of stuff."
For a second, his tense features softened into bemusement. "Yeah, Kasumi
is the one with ponytail over her shoulder. Why? ...Alright, I'll go get
her."
     Placing the handset down on the table, he ran through to the kitchen
where he heard someone whistling. Sure enough, Kasumi was in there, drying
the dishes and putting them away. With a smile she greeted him, "Hello,
Ranma! Akane told me what happened, have you finished now?"
     "Yeah, Kasumi, look-"
     "Do you want something to eat?" She pointed at the warm but switched
off oven. "I kept something back for you. Do-"
      "Kasumi," he interrupted, his voice deadening with a serious edge to
his normal light tone. "There's someone who wants to speak to you, on the
phone."
      She studied his tense face, looking for some sort of casual tinge to
it. Nothing. Her hand gripped the wet plate in it so tightly that her
knuckles whitened to the colour of the snow outside. The smile on her face
faltered as it struggled against reality. Let it be about a missed payment
on a gas bill or something similar, Kasumi pleaded to herself, let it be
about that....
       "Wh-who is it?" she croaked, the words barely making it of her
mouth.
       "The hospital."
       "No...."
       "And...."
       "And w-what, Ranma?"
       "They said it was urgent."
       "No!" Kasumi cried, startling Ranma as the wet plate crashed to the
floor, shattering into many pieces. "This can't be happening to me!"

* * * *

      "Excuse me, Nurse Nanao?"
      "Yes, Doctor Ikari?"
      "Do you know where any more of this medicine is kept? I'm running
out and another patient needs it."
      "I think there's one bottle left. Hold on just a moment and I'll
open the cabinet for you........ That's odd."
       "What?"
       "I was sure I locked the cabinet not ten minutes ago........ The
bottle, I can't find it anywhere....... No, it's definitely not there. I'm
so sure I had some. I'll check to see if anyone else has taken it."

* * * *

      This night view was just so beautiful, like a poem without words.
Each star, a verse of loneliness trapped in the depths of the black sky.
Each shone so brightly but in the end, that was a mirage as they held no
life. If only he did not have to feel, to breathe, to hurt as he did. But
life wouldn't be life without emotion or humanity. And he despised having
the worst ends of both and nothing more.
       Tatewaki leant over the barrier on the hospital roof and gazed down
to the ground far below, where people rushed in and out of the lighted
entrance. So busy and alive, while up here on this flat roof, all he had
to keep him company was the pale moonlight and teardrops of snow. Soon, he
would have neither because he found no pleasure in a life without meaning
and with dishonour. All he could ever be was a walking disgrace to the
family name he abandoned so long ago.  He had to be brave; he just could
not turn back from this to the unrelenting pain and empty loneliness.
      With one last breath, he opened his mouth and threw the pills
inside, swallowing before he could change his mind. Shutting his eyes, he
spared one last thought for his family and the only one he cared about
anymore but who didn't feel the same way: Nabiki.
      A few seconds passed by and still nothing affected him except some
shivers from the bitter cold and a heart beating so fast against him, as
if to escape. Shouldn't the pills be working by now? Surely he had taken
enough? He waited and waited but nothing happened. What was he to do?
There was only one choice left to test out and it would be very painful if
it did not work. Slipping a hand into a trouser pocket, he pulled out a
short knife and held it in front of his face and examined it....

* * * *

      "J-just one... more... step t-to go," Nabiki gasped. She grabbed the
stair bannister and pulled herself up another step, using her lone crutch
as a lever to push herself up. Taking a few wheezing breaths as her heart
pounded rapidly against her chest, she had the sensation that an unknown
force  squeezed her lungs of all her spare air. She ran her fingers
through her hair, brushing the damp strands of hair away from her hot,
sticky forehead. Why, oh why, did the lift to the roof have to be out of o
rder tonight, huh?!
      He had better be here as she wasn't sure she could walk for much
longer. All around the local area, she had searched for him - in the park,
the school grounds, down quiet streets and hidden alleyways, the local
bars, even restaurants, and finally she had checked the hospital and its
grounds. This was the only place left and the one she'd have least thought
to try, therefore making it a prime candidate now.
      Finally able to breathe again, she pushed open the ajar door and a
blast of frosty air wiped the humidity off her face. Leaving it because it
might be a self-locking door, Nabiki quietly tread with a limp around the
snowy flat roof, looking around corners until she finally spotted a lone
figure through the darkness. The figure leant far over part of the
fence-like barrier at the edge of the roof. From this distance, it was
hard to tell who but Nabiki could make an educated guess. All she could do
was try to get nearer to him, in case he panicked and... and....
      Her heart seemed to be drumming so loudly, she was sure that he must
be able to hear it. Only a few metres from him, she traced the figure's
tall outline to make sure it she wasn't wrong.
      "Kuno," she blurted out despite herself. The figure tensed and
straightened up, placing his hands on the frosted barrier.
      "Nabiki?!" he cried out in alarm and surprise, but didn't turn
around to face her. He couldn't. "I mean, Miss Tendo, what are you doing
on the roof? You'll catch a cold! Why are you here?"
      "Looking for you. I know what you're up to." Leaning her arm against
the cold barrier, she stared him straight in the eye. He turned away,
gazing at the fall before him. So long, and yet so quick.  But he couldn't
do it, he just didn't have the strength. He felt so weak all of a sudden,
as if all his blood had been sapped out of him. His arms couldn't keep him
on his feet for much longer.
      "You never said a word. Nothing." Her words broke the uneasy silence
between them and he could feel her sad eyes boring into his conscience,
the hurt in her tone slamming down on his heart. "Why?"
      "You care?" he asked with genuine wonder. Was there something about
him worth caring for?
      Another silence, leaving sound to the noiseless winter wind, fell
like the gentle snow around them.
      "Yes," she answered in a vulnerable tone of voice that shattered his
broken heart. His head circled to meet her eyes, dark and open, so unlike
her and yet beneath that calm veneer lay a barely-hidden desperation. She
really did care and he... oh, he ruined.... "Kuno, it's not too late. Step
away from the edge and we can talk this out, we can figure out something."
      Slowly stepping back, he winced as he saw her relieved face, unsure
of whether it was from her face or his bleeding wound.
      "I'm sorry, I never knew. If I'd known, I...." He held the dagger
high in the air before dropping it to the snowy ground. The soft sound it
made on impact tore tears from Nabiki's eyes as understanding slashed
across her face. In the moody darkness, with his back turned from her
gaze, she hadn't been able to see his other hand clenched so close to his
stomach. Now that she could see the dark liquid dripping from his hand and
a strange stain on his shirt, everything became so clear. It was blood.
Blood.
      "You were just going to finish the job when I came," her trembling,
low voice rang in his ears, "weren't you? That's what the fall was going
to be for."
      "I'm sorry, Nabiki, I-" he murmured, just before his eyes closed and
his body slumped towards the bitterly cold ground like a ragdoll.
      "No!" she shrieked before letting go of the crutch and catching his
falling body, sinking down to the soft snow with him. As she sat, holding
the limp body tightly, unable to stand, Nabiki Tendo felt so alone. Her
eyes filled with tears she never thought would be shed and the melting
snow soaked into her shivering skin. "No...."
      The far-away sounds of traffic and music and laughing sank into the
snow around them. Her quiet sobs were lost on the subtle slays of the
bitter breeze; the weather could be so cold, sometimes....

End of chapter 13.
13 - unlucky for some?