ANIME DEATH MATCH
Inspired by MTV's Celebrity Death Match.

WARNING: Gratuitous Language and Extreme Violence will be depicted.  
Don't watch if it makes you queasy.

===================================

	[Scene: Two people sitting in a titanium tower overlooking a ring.  
Thousands of fans are cheering or booing.  The roar is continous, 
though.  We look to the two in the tower.]

?????: Welcome, once again, to the revived Anime Death Match.  I'm ????? 
Diamond.

A-kun: And I'm A-kun Daniels.  ?????, tonight's Anime Death Match 
promises to be a big one, as most of them prove to be.  We should remind 
readers that nothing and no one shown here belongs to us.

?????: Yes, now on to the match-ups!  We have a big series of grudge 
matches.  First, it's Ura and Mokona vs. Ryo-ohki and her chosen helper, 
Chu-Chu!  Next, it's Largo vs. A-kun!

A-kun: WHAT?!

?????: He's pissed because of that huge poster you have hanging in your 
room that reads "Largo is a Loser!"  In any case, [A-kun is dragged off 
to be prepped for battle] the third bout is a final fight between Pixy 
Misa and Pretty Sammy, and our final grudge match of the night, The 
Power Rangers vs. Dangaio vs. Voltron!  And my stand-in assistant for 
A-kun tonight, Ritsuko Akagi.

Ritsuko: It's a pleasure to be here.

?????: [eyeing Ritsuko] I'm sure it is.  Now, let's review for the 
viewers who weren't with us when we first launched this little scheme.  
The match of Ura and Mokona was for the title of the Cutest Anime Animal 
Ever.  The battle was heavily in Ura's favor as Mokona was completely 
unprepared for Ura's devastating Darkstalker-esque moves.

Ritsuko: And if I'm correct, Ryo-Ohki flew in and blasted both 
combatants.

?????: Yes, but both of them survived and after a year of 
rehabilitation, they're ready for a rematch.  Ryo-Ohki has been 
prevented from using her spaceship form, so this'll be hampering to the 
Chu-Chu and Ryo-Ohki team!

Ritsuko: Let's go live to the ring! [to ?????] What?  Do I have 
something on my shirt?


				*RING-SIDE*  [FX: *DING*-*DING*-*DING*]

	[Scene: Setsuna Meiou (aka. Sailor Pluto) is standing the middle of the 
ring.  In the red corner (Actually marked red!), Ryo-Ohki and Chu-Chu 
stand, ready to fight.  In the blue corner (Actually marked BLUE!  What 
an idea!), Mokona and Ura stand, ready to fight as well.  All four 
animals walk to the center of the ring, Mokona and Ura having a clear 
size advantage.]

Setsuna: You all know the rules.  Only one fighter from each team in the 
ring at a time.  Paws must actually contact before a switch is allowed.  
And no tearing off each other's genitals.  [glares at Chu-Chu] This goes 
triple to you, Mr. "Chew-Chew off their genitals". [Ura and Mokona 
bigsweat and look at each other.]  And if anyone from either team is 
pinned, killed or fatally injured, that team loses.  And no changing 
into something else or bringing in any foreign objects.  Only "Made in 
the U.S." items are allowed!  And may the cutest team win!  Now, LET'S 
GET IT ON![with that said, Setsuna leaps into the rafters]

	[Mokona and Chu-Chu leave the ring.  Ryo-Ohki begins floating and 
powers up a bolt of energy, however, is caught off-guard as Ura does a 
Superman-esque lunge.  Ryo-Ohki cries out as she crashes to the ground, 
Ura's leg pinning her down.  Setsuna is on the mat, slamming her hand]

Setsuna: ONE.... TWO....

	[Ryo-Ohki squirms free and races over to Chu-Chu.  Their paws contact 
and Ryo-Ohki gets out of the ring as Chu-Chu enters.  Ura and Mokona 
switch off.  Mokona lunges, catching Chu-Chu in a marshmallow-slam.  
Chu-Chu bites Mokona, causing the animated marshmallow to yelp and use 
it's hyper-marshmallow sidekick to bash Chu-Chu and fling the 
monkey/mouse into the corner.  Mokona hops back over and Ura gets into 
the ring.  Ryo-Ohki and Chu-Chu barely manage to tag off as Ura leaps 
across the ring.  Ryo-Ohki tries to counter-leap Ura's leap, but Ura 
reforms and surrounds Ryo-Ohki as a ball.  Ryo-Ohki replies by 
transforming into a human-girl (age 23).  Ura rewraps herself around 
Ryo-Ohki and sends the cabbit-woman to her back again.  Setsuna counts 
once again.]

Setsuna: ONE.... TWO.... THREE!  SHE'S DOWN!

	[For some reason, Ryo-Ohki and Ura don't stop squirming.]

Setsuna: Um, someone get a hose in here...

						*THE TOWER*

Ritsuko: [wide-eyed] Oh....... my...........

?????: [also wide-eyed] Um, yeah..... Um, next is A-kun versus Largo.  
Let's do a comparison to get our minds off of that.

Ritsuko: Largo - has a hyper-sonic drill in his arms.  Is a boomer of 
the 55-C model.  And has the mouth particle beam.  His link to satelite 
weaponry has been disabled.

?????: A-kun - has had some karate.  Is a normal human, despite 
protests.  And has a silver tongue when he wants to get something done.  
His magic and other authorly-granted powers have been disabled.

Ritsuko: I hope this one doesn't end like the last one.

?????: [turning green] I hope not.

				*RING-SIDE*  [FX: *DING*-*DING*-*DING*]

	[Scene: Setsuna is standing in the middle of the ring.  A-kun is in the 
blue corner and Largo is in the red corner.  A-kun is sweating profusely 
and Largo is grinning evilly.  Both combatants walk to the center of the 
ring.]

Largo: You'll die in a very painful way.

Setsuna: HEY!  No threats before the match.  You know the rules.  Largo, 
since you're a boomer and A-kun is not, you may not target A-kun's 
gonads.  A-kun, since you're a human and you'll need all the help you 
can get, you can target Largo's gonads if you want.  May the better 
being win.  Now, LET'S GET IT ON!  [With that said, Setsuna leaps into 
the rafters.]

	[A-kun whips out a scythe and decapitates Largo.  However, Largo's head 
is still functioning and is cursing quite loudly.]

A-kun: YAAAAAY!  I KICKED HIS ASS!

	[A-kun kicks Largo's ass, knocking it towards Largo's head.  Largo 
opens fire on his body, only to hit a powercell, causing it to go 
critical.  A-kun, seeing this, leaps out of the ring as Largo's body 
explodes.]

						*THE TOWER*

?????: [raising an eyebrow] That was unexpected.

Ritsuko: Yes, it was.  Now, for our next match, we should note to the 
readers that since both Pretty Sammy and Pixie Misa are both too young 
to lie bleeding to death on a mat, both have opted to be aged to the age 
of 16.

?????: Yeah, we're not heartless bastards. [puts her hand on Ritsuko's 
thigh]

Ritsuko: What?  Is there a tear in my pants?

				*RING-SIDE*  [FX: *DING*-*DING*-*DING*]

	[Scene: Setsuna is standing in the middle of the ring.  Pixie Misa is 
standing in the blue corner and Pretty Sammy is standing in the red 
corner.  Both combatants near the center of the ring.]

Setsuna: Both of you know the rules.  No biting, scratching or any other 
wussy stuff.  May the best magical girl win!  Now, LET'S GET IT ON! 
[With that said, Setsuna leaps into the rafters.]

	[Pixie Misa starts off by summoning some Luv-Luv Monsters.  A stupid 
looking fly monster, C-kun, and the Energizer Bunny.]

Pretty Sammy: MAGICAL HEART BOOMERANG!

	[The boomerang slashed the fly, C-kun and the energizer bunny into 
pieces.]

Pixie Misa: Grr!  Like, I have magical powers and stuff TOO, ya know!

	[Pixie Misa leaps up and fires a powerball at Pretty Sammy, who runs 
out of the way.  She runs up to Pixie Misa.]

Pretty Sammy: Pretty Sammy Love Zap!

	[Pixie Misa is zapped.]

Pretty Sammy: Give up?

Pixie Misa: Yeah....

Pretty Sammy: Ha!  I win!  Hey, Misa.... get off my leg..... HELP!  GET 
A HOSE!!!!

						*THE TOWER*

	[Ritsuko and ????? break from their make-out session to witness the end 
of the match.]

?????: That's.... almost as if someone set that up.

Ritsuko: [wiping traces of ?????'s lipstick off her neck and ignoring 
the fact that her shirt is almost completely unbuttoned] Um, yeah.  How 
about we go to our last grudge match?

	[????? looks at the camera, then back at Ritsuko.]

?????: Yeah.  GO TO THE MATCH!  [both Ritsuko and ????? disappear from 
sight as A-kun walks into the booth, fixing his clothes.]

A-kun: Of for the love of..... go to the last match.  I think A-chan 
must have gotten in here when no one was looking...  The special referee 
is Shinji Ikari in Evangelion Unit 1.  Special back-up referee is Asuka 
in Unit 2.  And back-up to the back-up referees are Rei II in Unit 0 and 
Touji Suzuhara in Unit 3.  The Power Ranger Zords will be at Shogun 
stage, but with the original six Rangers as their pilots.

				*RING-SIDE*  [FX: *DING*-*DING*-*DING*]

	[Scene: It's Death Valley.  Voltron, the Mega-Shogun Zord and Dangaio 
are standing in an equalateral triangle.  Eva-01 is standing in the 
middle.  Shinji broadcasts the rules.]

Shinji: [reading a new print-out of the rules sent to him by A-kun] 
Okay, no dissin' each other's mechs, no calling in extra combatants, but 
forming or summoning your swords are fine.  Um, try not to have sex 
using your mechs... uh, no bad pick-up lines... damn, there are a lot of 
rules to this...

Mia Alice: Hey, can we just get on with it?

Shinji: But, I've got to read the rules...

Hunk: Oh, shut up, you wimp!

	[Suddenly, Voltron is tapped on the shoulder.  It turns to see Eva-00 
standing there.  *FA-BAAAAANG*]

Rei: Don't insult Shinji-kun.

Touji: Hey, Asuka, I heard the Dangaio team said that the Eva pilots 
suck!

Asuka: WHY THOSE-

	[Eva-02 tackles Dangaio.]

Jason: What the hell?

	[Suddenly, the Mega-Shogun Zord is tackled by Eva-01 and Eva-03.]

Shinji: HA!  _WE'RE_ THE COOLEST MECHA-PILOTS!

						*THE TOWER*

A-kun: Oh, for cryin' out loud!  Uuuuugggh... Till next time.  The duo 
on the floor doing the nasty are Ritsuko Akagi and ????? Diamond.  [a 
pair of panties land on A-kun's head]  I'm A-kun Daniels, saying "Weird 
Fight, Good Night!"

===============================================================================================

	The endings to the first and the third fights were discussed and when 
we couldn't come up with a better one, A-chan suggested the endings they 
had.

	A-kun, Death Incarnate #235320-BA, Typer of Words (technically called 
an AUTHOR).  Reply at akun15@hotmail.com
	?????, Mystery Girl, Commentor on the Typing of Words (technically 
called an EDITOR {technically known as a pain in the ass - The Return of 
TharzZzy, the Umpire Strikes Out}).

	To check out older episodes, go to A-kun's webpage at 
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Island/3968/fanfics.html
	They're under Everything Else.



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