*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON TWO)
EPISODE 20: URUSEI YATSURA: THE KIDNAPPING PT. 1
(A Urusei Yatsura Lemon MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"Urusei Yatsura" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the
distributors of her work.
"Urusei Yatsura: The Kidnapping" is the property of SMendou and he's
welcome to it. I do not intend to offend this person for making fun of his
work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does.
Think of this as another form of C&C. ;)
Warning: This fic contains mature content and lemon content. If you
are offended by such material, simply delete it and it's gone. If not,
enjoy!
(Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....)
It's the not-too-distant future,
Last Sunday BC
There was this guy named Joel
Not so different from you or me
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another guy in a red jumpsuit
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hate him
So they shot him into space!!!!
Joel:
(OH....MY....GODDESS!!!)
Crow and Tom:
(IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!)
(Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout)
We'll send him crappy fanfics
The worst we can find (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (lalala)
(Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them
ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.)
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the fanfics begin or end (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;
ROBOT ROLL CALL:
CAMBOT:
'Text only'?
Gypsy:
'Oh, my!'
Tom Servo:
'Sweet-o!'
CROOOOOOOW!!!
'I'm not a hentai!'
If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes
And other science facts (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!!
* * *
DEEP 13
"WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT???"
"FRANK!!!"
A loud bass beat could be heard in the background as Dr. Clayton
Forrester suddenly leapt out in front of the camera. He was wearing a
sleeveless gray sweatshirt with a D.E.E.P 13 Logo and waving around the
recently dismembered head of T.V's Frank.
Frank's head was still bleeding a little from the neck and the
words "DEEP HURTING" were scrawled backwards in red marker
across his forehead.
"WHAT DOES EVERYBODY NEED???" Dr. Forrester shouted.
"ME!!!" Frank's head replied cheerfully.
Dr. Forrester spun around several times in a circle and then set
Frank's head down on the control panel while leaping from side to side
for no particular reason. Frank's head began headbanging by itself to the
music while Joel and his robots, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, could only
stare at them in shock.
"The hell?!? What the heck are they doing now?" Joel exclaimed.
"It's either a rain dance or they've really got a bad case of ants...."
Tom guessed.
"WHAT DOES EVERYBODY LOVE???" Dr. Forrester
screamed.
There was a long pause. Frank glared menacingly into the
camera. "WHAT DOES EVERYBODY LOVE???" He repeated slowly.
Joel and the bots looked at each other.
"Uh, Frank?" Crow replied timidly.
"YES!!!" Frank replied in triumph. "YOU LOVE ME!!! YOU
REALLY, REALLY LOVE....WAAAH!!!" Dr. Forrester nudged Frank's
head off the control panel with his elbow. "Don't get a swelled head now,
Frank." he muttered before turning his attention back to Joel.
"Anyway, coneheads, as you've probably surmised by now,
we've recently discovered the World Wrestling Federation and since
our latest invention can somewhat be tied into the theme, we felt dressing
up as a wrestler could only enhance the evil of our ways.
"But why Al Snow?" Joel asked.
"Can YOU think of a better excuse to cut Frank's head off?" Dr.
Forrester replied with an evil grin.
"Uhh, guess not." Joel bigsweated. "So, what is your invention
anyway?"
Dr. Forrester picked Frank's head off the floor and set it back
on the control panel before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a
laser pointer.
"You may recognize this as the bane of wrestling shows
everywhere. Widely available for a cheap price, this little item makes it
virtually impossible for a wrestler to be interviewed in the ring or walk
down the aisle without at least two or three lasers flashing in a wrestlers
face. Some people have even had their eyes permanently damaged by
these things!
"HOWEVER...." Dr. Forrester paused for dramatic effect.
"After careful study, we decided that as bad and annoying as the laser
pointers, we decided we could still make it just *that* much more EVIL
by adding a small but effective accessory."
Dr. Forrester reached into his other pocket and held up a small
but powerful lens, complete with an f-stop and small clip. "You simply
snap this to the laser pointer...." Dr. Forrester clicked the accessory into
place. "And we'll just test it on Frank here...."
"AUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHH!!!" Frank screamed as the
laser pointer cast a wide beam of red light at him, illuminating his entire
face and head. Wisps of smoke began to rise from Frank's hair as Dr.
Forrester smiled at the screen.
"As you can see, not only does the lens increase the size of the
beam by 100x, it also makes it a little hot under the collar, or in Frank's
case, *above* the collar." Dr. Frank chuckled as Frank's head managed
to roll itself off the computer panel to the relative safety of the floor.
"So, how do you like my upgrade, Booby?
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"Aw man, you guys are really something! If you aren't
inventing stuff to ruin the world, you're improving stuff that's already
ruining the world!" Joel exclaimed, shaking his head in dismay.
"Yeah, if you really wanted to improve that laser pointer, you
should have rigged it so the laser accidentally points back at the person
using it. That way the little twerp gets a taste of his own medicine!"
"Crow!" Joel was aghast.
Dr. Forrester chuckled. "Not a bad idea there, robot. You
have some evil in you yet. But first, let's see what Joel came up with
this week."
Joel shot a look at Crow before gesturing at a Nintendo
Entertainment System sitting on the counter. A half dozen game
cartridges were strewn around it, along with a Game Genie.
"Recently, I had the urge to play with my old NES. After
blowing, tapping, cleaning and shaking the games for what seemed like
hours...."
"....he finally gave up and downloaded NES ROMS for his emulator!"
Tom finished for him.
"Uh, right. And it was during this point that I discovered just how
lame some of these games were in terms of plot, characters and gameplay."
Joel picked up the Game Genie, attached a game of Final Fantasy
II to it and inserted it into the Nintendo. "So, anyway, I decided to modify
this Game Genie and allow it to accept humorous comments from us at
certain points in the game. Here, let me demonstrate it for you...."
Joel turned on the Nintendo, only to have the screen flash on and
off. He pushed the reset button repeatedly but only succeeded in changing
the color of the screen flashing. He gave a nervous chuckle as he ripped the
cartridge out of the machine and tossed it away. "Okay, for the sake of our
invention, let's just *pretend* that Final Fantasy II is working and you've
just reached the final level and boss. All of a sudden, Crow pops in to say...."
Crow: That's Lavos?!? So the ultimate evil is a cross between an octopus
and a porcupine?
"Or during a game of 'Renegade', Tom might remark...."
Tom: Now THAT'S exciting! You just threw a guy off the subway platform
for the hundredth time! Now tell me that isn't exciting gameplay?!?
"And imagine the possibilities for us in 'Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!'
Crow: <Doc> Well, we made it to the Dream Match against Tyson, Little
Mac! Just remember to cover you ears and join the Nintendo Fan Club
Today!
Joel: <Little Mac> Who needs Gatorade when I've got Doc to rub my
shoulder really, *really* fast!
Tom: Is it just me or does King Hippo have a REALLY bad toothache?
Crow: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT UNDER HIS PANTS!?
"And so on and so forth." Tom added.
"We call it the MES. The MSTing Entertainment System!
What'da think, sirs?" Joel asked with a smile.
* * *
DEEP 13
Dr. Forrester snorted. "Oh sure, pick fun at the big N just because
they were once a monopoly and didn't care that some of their games were
crapola and peons like you were gullible enough to buy them anyway. That's
really immature of you, Joel."
"Oh, and increasing the size of a laser pointer to burn someone's
face off is a shining example of maturity?" Joel shot back through the
viewscreen.
Dr. Forrester sneered at him. "No, it's a shining example of
insanity. It's what we're best at, Joel. You don't screw us, we screw you,
remember? And speaking of being screwed, your experiment this week
dwells within a series you haven't tackled yet. It's a lemon story featuring
the characters of Urusei Yatsura...."
"Wait! Don't tell us! Henry J. Cobb, right?" Crow guessed.
"No, it was created in 1995 by an SMendou and this story was
actually the inspiration for the famous UY lemon from Todd Hill, 'The
Prince and the Letcher'...."
"Wow! All right! That was one of the best lemon series I ever read!
This is gonna be good!" Tom exclaimed happily.
"You don't really believe that, do you, Tom?" Joel inquired.
"Nah, but I figured I'd take your advice for once and be optimistic."
Tom replied.
"Really? Hey! Thanks for giving it a try!" Joel exclaimed, pleasantly
surprised.
"Hey, any fic that inspired 'The Prince and the Letcher' can't be
all that bad. I say, bring it on!" Crow added.
Dr. Forrester smiled at the bots reactions. "Yes, well, in that case,
I certainly hope you....*enjoy*....'The Kidnapping' by SMendou."
Snickering loudly, he reached down to grab Frank's scalded head and place
it once again on the computer panel. "Bring the hurt down on them, Frank...."
Frank's head whistled cheerfully as it rolled over towards the
file cabinet. Fortunately, it was already open and with practiced ease,
Frank picked out the right fanfic with his teeth and rolled back over to
the computer panel to feed it into the computer. He glanced up at the
viewscreen to see Joel and the Bots watching him with worried
expressions. Frank did his best to shrug without shoulders as he
remarked.
"Eh, it's a living."
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
As the viewscreen clicked off, Tom remarked. "Geez, even after
getting his face burned off, Frank's still as cheerful as ever. He was even
whistling a happy tune!"
"Well, I wouldn't call 'Man Without a Face' a *happy* tune,
exactly...." Crow said.
"Well guys, it's that time again. You ready?"
"Ready!!" The bots chimed simultaneously.
Suddenly, alarms and sirens suddenly rang out.
"OHHHH, WE'VE GOT LEMON SIGN!!!" Joel cried out.
(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)
(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you
move on..)
(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)
(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)
(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)
Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
Shutaro Mendou <71603.1073@CompuServe.COM>
Tom: Mendou wrote a lemon?
Crow: And he has the nerve to call *Ataru* a hentai?!?
This is a Lemonesque story. If you are offended by this sort of thing
stop right now.
Crow: However if you enjoy these types of stories, COMMENCE
GROPING!!!
Joel: You want to start this off on the wrong foot, don't you?
Also while this story may have sex in it I will try to make it an
actual STORY.
Crow: Based on actual events?
Joel: A live-action lemon. Cool.
Tom: So any story that has sex in it is fiction?
Crow: If Mendo or Ataru are involved, yeah.
Thank you again
Crow: Oh, it was a joke! <pauses> I don't get it.
Tom: <Shutaro> Thank you again for taking the time to read this far.
E-mail me at 71603, 1073@compuserve.com
Crow: Over 93241, 1138 served!
I want to know what you think Constructive criticism will be greatly
appreciated.
Joel: Okay, you forgot to put a period in between *think* and
*constructive* How's that?
Crow: Well, personally, I think constructive criticism will always be
greatly appreciated though some might take more personally than others.
How about you, Servo?
Tom: I think constructive criticism gets a raw deal sometimes....
Flames will be Laughed at and then Cheerfully thrown out.
Joel: Capital letters will be Used and then Cheerfully thrown about.
Tom: <Shutaro> Don't like my story? Then GO SUCK A LEMON!!!
I hope you enjoy the story as well.
Joel: Well, he seems nice enough. Let's give him a chance.
Crow: Better yet. Let's drop a community chest on his skull!
Joel: ....
I tried to make it more in the style of the movies and the overall feel
of Lum.
Tom: Kinda squishy, and a bit rubbery.
Crow: YES!!! *FINALLY*, a Urusei Yatsura fic that has absolutely,
positively, NOTHING to do with the 'UY: Senior Year' storyline
whatsoever! It's about damn time!
Joel: Crow! No! We'll get flamed! Tell em, Tom!
Tom: Sorry, Joel. I have to side with Crow on this one. You can only
watch the UY cast get their asses kicked so many times by *Borg Boy*
Ataru and his ninjas before it gets monotonous....
Joel: Yeah, I guess you have a point there.
This can be hard to do with a Lemon story as most that I have seen lose
much in the translation.
Joel: Hey, at least Animeigo's started releasing the episodes again!
Tom: Yeah, better badly-subbed tapes than no tapes at all!
SMendou
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Crow: It takes this many lines of pure cocaine to enjoy this story.
Tom: Looks like a blank staff. Anyone care to write some sheet music
for this lemon?
Joel: 'Lemon Tree' comes to mind....
Urusei Yatsura : The Kidnapping (Lemon)
Joel: <chuckles> And now it's Urusei Yatsura: The Kidnapping (MSTing)
Crow: Hey, at least it's not Urusei Yatsura: The Kidnapping (UY:TSY)
Tom: A lemon that has someone being kidnapped? Never seen that before....
It was Saturday and as usual, Lum was bored.
Crow: Hey guys! I just thought of a new challenge for the FFML!
Write any lemon you want beginning with that sentence and filling in
Lum's name with the anime girl of your choice! What'da think?
Joel: I think you need a new hobby.
She couldn't stand him any more. Ataru was being a jerk again as
usual.
Tom: <Lum> Oh well, it beats having his ninjas beat the living crap
out of me, Da'cha!
Joel: Guys, lay off the 'Senior Year' cracks, please....
Crow: <Gilligan> You can't make us! You can't make us!
Joel: <groans>
She could usually convince herself that Ataru really did love her.
Tom: ....booty.
Joel: ... if she completely ignored reality.
But today Lum wasn't sure.
Crow: <Lum> He usually finishes his girl chasing by supper! What's
keeping him, Da'cha?
You see today was the Anniversary of their engagement/marraige.
Lum had a heartache that she had never felt before.
Joel: That's what she gets for eating her own cooking.
Ataru never even gave it a second thought when Lum said that she
had a suprise for him today. He just said "Later Lum, later."
Tom: <Lum> I'm pregnant, and Cherry is the father!
Crow: AUUUUUUUUGH!!! <faints>
Tom: <Cherry> It is fate.
Joel: But Cherry's a priest, isn't he?
Tom: So's Rei's grandfather. What's your point?
Crow: <recovering> Tom, don't EVER do that again!
The breeze that came in through the window blew her long green hair
around.
Crow: Yeah, the wind tends to do that.
Tom: Uh oh, looks like we're in for some heavy imagery, guys....
Tears began to flow around her cheeks.
Joel: Geez, even her tearducts are weird!
Ataru's parents weren't home for the whole weekend and lum tried her
best to make it the perfect evening.
Crow: <Lum> All this whipped cream and candles for nothing!
Everything was perfect tonight. Everything was perfect.
Tom: <Crazed Lum> It's perfect I tell you! Perfect! Absolutely
NOTHING will go wrong this night!!! IT'S PERFECT, I TELL YOU!!!
PERFECT!!! PERFECT!!! PERFECT!!! BWAHAHA!!!
HAHAHAHAHA!!!! PERFECT.
Joel: Strange, I have a sudden urge to watch a Curt Henning match....
Crow: Yeah, let's see Lum bowl and golf and play basketball as perfectly
as Curt does!
Tom: Won't she need a video editor for that?
Everything except for the fact that the man that she loved more than
life itself was not there.
Crow: Aww....
Tom: I feel sorry for Lum but you'd think a year of living with Ataru
would have clued her in by now....
Lum gave a deep sigh. and turned to the clock. it was 5:00.
Joel: Argh....clipped....sentences.....must.....stop....
Lum had told Ataru to be there by 6:00 but from his response earlier
to her she feared he wouldn't be home by then.
Tom: But little did Lum know that Ataru was out celebrating the first
anniversary of his *bachelor party*....
The worst part was that they hadn't even made love yet.
Joel: <Lum> Gee, I wonder if the fact I generate 50,000 volts when I'm
excited has anything to do with it?
"I could have alny man in the galaxy Darling" she whispered to herself.
Crow: What about Alan Alda?
Tom: Or Jabba the Hut?
Crow: Ewww....
"many have tried but I'm only attracted to you. You're the one
who eludes me Darling,
All: <singing> You're the one!
but maybe one day I'll hear the words 'I love you Lum' come from your
mouth."
Crow: Nah, he'd swallow first.
Joel: ....
Lum continued to cry.
Tom: Wah Wah. Life sucks. Deal with it.
Joel: Well, *someone's* in a sour mood today....
She looked at herself in the mirror and wished he were there wiping
her tears, but he wasn't and she was alone, waiting , hoping that he
would finally show up.
Crow: <Lum> Lassi....I mean, Darling! Come home!
Tom: Shan....I mean, Darling! Come back, Darling! Come back!
She had never even kissed him, ever.
Tom: Can you blame him? She'll tell everyone in a minute!
Crow: So she posed nude for several adult KISS doll sets to spite him.
Joel: Wait a minute! If this takes place a year from their first meeting,
Lum should have kissed Ataru a bunch of times by now!
Tom: You'd think she'd be more pissed by the fact that *HE'S* never
kissed her....
She began to want him more and more.
All: <singing> Why not a little....MORE!
Soon she couldn't take it anymore.
Joel: <Lum> Must....provide....shoddy...masturbation....material.....
Lum closed the shades to the room and locked the door, just as a
precaution,
Crow: Yeah, lord knows we wouldn't want Mr. or Mrs. Moroboshi
to walk in and end up in a threesome....
Joel: Eep.
and began to take off her bikini.
Joel: <singing> It was a Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Tiger Stripe
Bikini!
Tom: And so it begins!
Crow: Yippee!! Me want lemon! Me want lemon!
She sat on The bed
Joel: Oh....*THE* bed.
Crow: What bed? I thought Ataru used a futon?
Tom: Nitpick, nitpick, nitpick....
and began to move her hands all over her body.
Tom: <Lum> And just think, I can do this 24 hours a day!
Crow: Da'cha!
Tingles rushed through her as she slowly came to her breast. With
her thumb and forefinger she began to caress her nipple.
Crow: Live from Tomobiki! It's 'Lum's Saturday Night!'
Tom: No, it's an 'Evening at Lum's'!
Crow: 'Come to Lum's Window!"
Tom: '12 Hours with an Oni!'
Crow: 'Urusei Yatsura Unseen!'
Tom: 'Lum Enslaved!'
Crow: 'Evil Oni: Sins of Lum!'
Tom: 'La Blue Oni!"
Joel: 'Lum's Usual Weekend'!
Tom: 'I Oni Have Eyes For You!'
Crow: Etc, etc, etc....
The waves of pleasure began to move through her body. She woked her
other hand below her waist and began to tease her clit, faster and faster
it went until she felt spasms hit her hips.
Crow and Tom: <gaze at the screen dreamily>
Joel: <rolls his eyes> You guys are hopeless....
Then she moved her other hand to hold her lips open as her right hand
probed deeper.
Tom: Her entire *hand*?!? Owie....
Crow: She's fisting herself....
Joel: Guys....
for several minutes she stroked herself until finally she gave out a shrill
cry of ecstacy. She wanted more,
Crow: Me too! I want more too!
Tom: So far, this is the best lemon we've ever MSTed!
Joel: Definitely. Looks like Dr. F finally sent us a decent lemon for a change....
slowly she moved her hand in and out again and she began to reach a
second orgasm. Finally she came in a gush leaving a nice sized wet
spot on the bed.
Joel: GUSHERS! Fruit snacks with the *BURST OF FLAVOR!!*
Lifting herself up from the spot where the was laying
Crow: The what? Woman? Girl? Hen? Oni? Babe?
Tom: Maybe it was edited out for our protection?
Crow: Oh great, first Hyatte and now SMendou! MY GOD, SCOOPS
EDITS OUT EVERYTHING!!!!!
Lum looked down at the fruit of her labor she gave a slight smirk.
Tom: <Lum> Hey, this is a lemon and I made lemonade!
Crow: Da'cha!
"Well I suppose Darling's sheets needed changing anyway."
Joel: What with all the other *mysterious* stains....
Crow and Tom: Ewww....
After the sheets were changed It was 5:25. "Good," she thought.
Tom: <Lum> 25 minutes to reach orgasm without a vibrator! I beat
my old time again! Damn, I'm good!
Crow: Da'cha!
"enough time to take a shower and get ready in case darling shows up."
Joel: But not enough time to use a capital in her sentence.
She knew it was an Impossibility, but she hoped nonetheless."
All: <hum the theme to Mission Impossible>
Tom: STAY A WHILE....STAY FOREVER!
Joel: That's *Impossible Mission*, Tom.
Tom: I know! I threw in an obscure culture reference of a popular Epyx
game from the 80's!
Joel: Oh, okay.
As she stepped into the shower she prayed that her Darling, Ataru
Moroboshi would really be hers tonight.
Tom: Glen Close *IS* Lum *IN* 'Urusei Yatsura: Fatal Attraction'!
Joel: Can Lum even take a shower without electrocuting herself?
Crow: I dunno but at least she's safe from Norman Bates wannabes....
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Tom: IT'S THE THREE DOTTED LINES OF DOOM!
Joel: This reminds me of those big sheets of paper you got in third grade
to do cursive on...
Crow: Yeah, that was last year.
Joel: Hey!
Tom: Well guys, aside from a few grammar and spelling errors, this
lemon's been pretty good so far.
Crow: Yeah, maybe Shutarou is a pen name for Henry J. Cobb!
Joel: Will you guys quit mentioning that poor guy's name?
Tom: We're just paying tribute, Joel....
AT 5:45 P.M AN EARTHQUAKE HIT TOKYO NOT SUPRISINGLY
THE EPICENTER WAS DIRECTLY UNDER THE HOUSE OF THE
INFAMOUS ATARU MOROBOSHI. THE SUPRISE IS THE HOUSE
ALONG WITH, EVERYTHING ELSE IN TOKYO WAS UNDAMAGED.
Crow: THIS JUST IN: FANFIC BLOWS DEAD GOATS!
Joel: Crow, NO!
Tom: THIS NEWFLASH WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY MEGAPHONE
BROADCASTING!!! WHERE WE SHOUT OUT THE NEWS 24 HOURS
A DAY!!! STAY TUNED FOR SPORTS AND EXCLUSIVE COVERAGE
OF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP CHESS, RIGHT AFTER THESE PAID
MESSAGES FROM MERV'S HOUSE O' MEGAPHONES WHERE THEIR
MOTTO IS: SHOUT! SHOUT! WE'LL STILL DROWN YOU OUT!!!
HA! HA! HA!
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Joel: Maybe it's an extreme close-up of a ukulele?
"C'mon Megane,"
Tom: AAAAAH! SELF-INSERTION!
Crow: I'm sure the writer meant Megane in the series, Tom.
"NO!"
"Pleease"
"NO!"
"PREETY PLEEASE"
"NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO
NONONO!"
Joel: This sounds somewhat familiar....
Crow: Ah, another first date comes to a end.
Tom: PREETYPLEEASEPREETYPLEEASEPREETYPLEEASEWITH
LOTSOFSUGARANDSYRUPANDSTUFFONTOP???"
"I'll swipe you one of Lum's panties..."
Tom: Happosai throws his hat into the ring!
"Uh... O...K...NO!
Crow: Well....mayb....NO!....uh....perha....NO!.....err....I gues....NO!
FOR THE LAST TIME ATARU NO.
Tom: That wouldn't be the thousandth time, would it?
THIS PARTY IS MY BIG BREAK I WILL NOT LET YOU RUIN IT
FOR ME! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME YOU LECHEROUS IDIOT??
Crow: <Megane> BY THE WAY, HOW DO YOU LIKE MY NEW
MEGAPHONE?!?
GOOD-BYE"
All: <singing> And I say Hello! Hello Hello! I don't know why you say
good-bye, I say hello....
"FINE YOU SON OF A BITCH
Tom: Considering Mrs. Moroboshi, isn't Ataru the son of a....
Joel: Don't say it, Tom....
LEAVE YOUR BEST FREIND BEHIND!!!!!!!!" Ataru screamed
"GO TO HELL"
Joel: <Ataru> GO DIRECTLY TO HELL! DO NOT PASS PURGATORY!
DO NOT COLLECT REDEMPTION!
Well That sucked,
Tom: Pretty much, yeah.
Crow: Compared to the opening lemon scene? Definitely.
Joel: You're condemning it too soon! Let's see how it plays out....
Tom: <grumbling> Oh, all right.
His best freind had just left him behind to go to the social event of the
century,
Joel: The premiere of 'Star Wars: Episode One'?
Crow: Nah, the premiere of 'Pecker'
Joel: ....
The Mendo Clan's 1000th aniversary."
Crow: 1000 years and still rich!
Out of his whole class only he hadn't been invited.
Tom: Maybe it's Ataru's heavy bodily funk...
Joel: Or the fact that Mendou hates his guts.
The worst part was that everything was closed. Nothing was going on
tonight other than the party.
Crow: Geez, it really is the party of the century....
Tom: You'd think it was 1999 or something....
And because of the earthquake, everthing was closed.
Joel: Oh, so it has nothing to do with the party?
Crow: The same earthquake that did absolutely no damage to anything!
"Oh well let's see if that beefbowl restaurant is open." Ataru went to
grab his wallet and remembered that he had left it Megane's place.
All: <hum the theme to Melrose's Place>
"Shit!!"
Tom: Happens!!
"Hello Ataru," out of nowhere popped Cherry.
(Crow giggles like a schoolgirl)
Tom: Sakurambo *IS* Leisure Suit Cherry!
Joel: <Cherry> You called?
"My you look unlucky this evening"
Crow: <Ataru> My, you look bald all the time.
"How is it that you can appear at the times when It's the most
annoying Cherry"
Tom: Yeah, Cherry's the pits, all right....
Crow: I've used every vibrator and penile implant I can find! Talk
about an annoying Cherry....
"FATE!!"
Joel: <John Connor>....BUT WHAT WE MAKE!!
Tom: Let's hope the terminator decides to pay a visit to this lemon...
"Should've known"
"I may be predictable but I'm usually right."
Crow: Right about what? Appearing randomly at unpredictable moments?
"Anyway,you know where I can find some free food?"
Tom: <Cherry> Well, seeing as I've dedicated my life to Budda and
self-sacrifice, I'll allow you to eat me.
Crow: <Ataru> Uggh! Are you for real?!? No way!!
Tom: <Cherry> Come on! Eat me! EAT ME! Doesn't my head look
succulent enough for you?!?
Crow: <Ataru> AHHHH!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!
Joel: Seriously though, Ataru, this is *Cherry* you're talking to here.
If he knew where free food was, he wouldn't be talking to you!
"Isn't Lum throwing you a suprise anniversary party?"
" Gee... if it was a suprise than I wouldn't Know about it would I ?"
" Good Point. "
Tom: Bad Punctuation.
" Anyway her cooking stinks."
Crow: Hey, at least it wouldn't collapse an eco-system like Akane's
cooking....
"She said that she was ordering suliyaki just for you.
She's been saving up for months to throw this for you."
Crow: *SPLAT!*
Joel: <Cherry> Did I mention that bananna cream pie was for you?
"She did that for me?"
Tom: <chuckles> That's not all she did for you, bub....
"I can' t tell you it's a suprise."
Crow: <Cherry> I also can't tell you she's horny as hell and waiting
for you back home.
Tom: <Ataru> You mean her horns have grown even bigger?
Crow: <Cherry> Not only unlucky, but stupid I see.
" You've already told me you deranged monk."
"Well, I have haven't I ?
Tom: <Cherry> I guess I have to kill you now.
Anyway I don't know what time it starts at.
Bye"
Crow: Cherry the Monk, ladies and gentlemen! Let's give him a big
hand....around his scrawny throat as we SQUEEZE AND SQUEEZE
AND....
Joel: Easy, Crow, easy....
"Wait... damned preist.
Tom: Which priest?
Crow: The damned one.
Tom: Ah.
Wait, didn't Lum say that she wanted me at home by 6:00..?
Joel: Wait, are the sentences in this fic redundant?
It's 5:55 right now, I've got to hurry."
Crow: <Dr. Bill Cortner> I've got to hurry....
Tom: Crow, we haven't MSTed that movie yet!
Joel: It's a fanfic, you should really just relax....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Tom: I sense a pattern here.
Joel: Dot-Dot-Dash-Dot-Dot?
Crow: Don't be cute....
Tom: Dot-Dot-Dot-Dash-Dash-Dash-Dot-Dot-Dot!!!
Joel: <singing> I'll send an SOS to the world....
Shinobu was lost in the Mendo house.
Joel: Well, no wonder, considering she's supposed to be in *Mendou's*
house....
Wearing her brand new black evening gown.
Crow: And nothing else!
"1000 years and they couldn't create a map of the place, figures."
Joel: Lara Croft, she's not.
She was lost, completely lost,
Tom: <Shinobu> I never should have asked for directions from that
handsome boy with the bandanna....
Joel: <singing> Well, I'm lost in love and I don't know much....
other than having a bit too much to drink and being more than just a
wee bit tipsy,
Crow: So she's wobbling like a card table with three legs?
she had to go. BAD!!!
Tom: If this involves water sports, I am *SO* out of this theater!!
She had left more than a 1/2 hour ago and still couldn't find the
bathroom.
Crow: Yes, it's the much anticipated sequel to Jeffrey Wong's
'A Bathroom Experience'....'Shinobu's Sudden Urgency!'
And when the earthquake hit, she almost lost it.
Tom: Well, at least she wasn't *Trapped* in the bathroom with Ataru....
"Of the several hundred bathrooms that they had, why can't I find one
of them.
Joel: Several hundred?!?
Crow: Boy, the Mendou family must REALLY be fond of Mexican food....
This house has got to be bigger than the Macross. Well anyway, the
search continues."
Tom: <Shinobu> Where the sam scratch is Spock, anyway?!?
"Miss Shinobu, there you are, I've been looking for you." It was
Mendo.
Tom: So there's hundreds of bathrooms, and she can't find any of
them, but Mendo can just run into her by coincidence?
Joel: (Mendo) ...I want you to pilot something for me...
Crow: That's Gendo, Joel.
Tom: Mendo....Must be *Mendou's* understudy....
Crow: Bring in the stunt butt!
"When you didn't return , I feared you had lost your way, and then,
when the earthquake hit I feared that somthing hideous had happened
to you.
Joel: Death by shaking. Horrifying.
Right then I left my conversation with this Drop-dead gorgeous
pig-tailed girl to see if you were alright."
Tom: <Shinobu> Oh, Pippy Longstocking is here?
Crow: Okay, either Ranma-Chan's trying to bum a free trip to China off
Mendo or she thinks she's a girl again....
Joel: I'd like to be a fly on the wall for THAT party....
"Shutaro?"
"I'm here,:
Tom: Geez, he was just talking to you a second ago, of course he's there!
"Bathroom."
"Oh yes, I see. Well, there isn't another lavatory for another 72
quadrents.
Tom: Quadrents? Does he mean *Quadrants*?
Crow: Ooooooookay, so Mendo's house spans billions of light years in
distance?
Joel: Geez, it *IS* a big house!
Can you hold it?"
Tom: Why? The lemon scene's been over for a while now.
Joel: Tom....
Tom: Heh heh heh....
"..............N..........o.........I.........ca.............n't"
Tom: <Shinobu> Ack....too....many.....dots.....Can't.......breathe....!
Crow: J......o.....el,....Ha....v....e.....y...o.u....e...v.er.....t...a...lk....e...d....
l......i....k..e....t...h...i...s.....w....h..e.n....y..o.u..ha....v....e.....t.....o.......
p....e...e....re..a......l....l...y....b.....ad?
Joel: C...a....n't....s....a...........y......t....h.........a.......t.....I.......h....a........v
..............e, Cr......o.................w.
Crow: M...a..yb....e.....s...o......m.....e.....o......n.......e.......s....l.......ip....p....
e.....d.........t..he.......f.......a......n..f.......i........c........a.....m....i.....ck....e....y?
Tom: Torgo's voice played at 1/4 the speed? I think it would sound
something like this....
"Then I must resort to.......(drumroll).........The Mendo Clan Private
Lavatories_TM.
Tom: Their motto: Need a john? Urine luck!
Crow: Follow me, Shinobu.
Tom: I'm thirsty!!
Mike: I gotta go to the bathroom!
Crow: Well, you two can help each other!!
Tom: The 'duckman' sketch, ladies and gentlemen!
Shinobu followed Mendo into the Quadrent's Master Bedroom. As
they approached the far wall Mendo screamed :
Crow: <Mendo, singing> I've gone about as fer as I can go!
Tom and Joel: <singing> Yes sir! He's gone about as fer as he can go!
"ALPHA, GAMMA, THETA, OMEGA, RAMU".
Joel: <Mendo> AND SEVERAL OTHER MATH TERMS!!!
Crow: Amaze your friends! Learn to play the organ with mathematical
symbols in two easy lessons!
Instantly the wall opened and out came a full sized toilet.
Tom: Did Tim Taylor design his bathroom or what?
"You are the first outsider ever to use the Clan Lavatories."
Tom: <Mendo> So bow down and worship at the porcelain altar of Mr. P,
mortal!
Crow: I didn't know Mendo was a member of the Ku Klux Klan!
"Th..............anks................If..............you'll........exc...........use.....me"
Tom: <Shinobu> I.....'m....g.....o.....i.....n...........g......t......o.......s.......t..
..i....ck........m.....y.....f.....in......g......er...........d......o........w.....n.........m.
.............y..............t................h..............ro......a.....t.....an.......d.........p....
..u.......ke.......u........p.........a...l.....l....t........he......s......e......s......t........u..
.....pi.......d.......d...........o..............ts.
"But of course my lady."
Joel: I bet she was doing the pee-pee dance, too.
>From outside of the room Mendo heard a sound not unlike a downpour,
then a sigh of relief.
Tom: <Shinobu> My water broke!
Joel and Crow: Uggggh....
"Shutaro, that was very chivalrous what you did for me, thank you.
Tom: <Shinobu> Now rip my clothes off and make me your own!
Joel: So girls get turned on when you escort them to a bathroom? I'll
have to remember that....
Why did you come searching for me, why me, I'm sure that there were
much more attractive girls you could make passes at and seduce."
Crow: <Mendo> Well, you see, I did all of them already, and now I'm
finished with them and down to you.
Tom: So Shinobu freely admits Mendo is exactly like Ataru?
I was worried Shinobu, I couldn't stand it if somthing happened to
you. Ever since my first day at Tomobiki I've liked you the best."
Crow: <Mendo> I like you, Shinobu. I'll screw you last.
Joel: <Mendo> All those countless attempts to woo Lum away from
Moroboshi was just a phase I was going through....
Tom: You know what it is, guys.... The author of this likes Ataru and
Lum as a couple. So he's putting Mendo and Shinobu together to
eliminate the competition.
Crow: Ah! Kind of like the entire basis for the Akane/Ryoga relationship
in fanfics.
Tom: Natch.
"I've wanted you since I first laid eyes on you Shutaro"
"Shinobu"
Joel: <Shinobu> Huh? No, that's my name! You're Shutaro!
"Make love to me Shutaro"
Tom: <Mendo> Uh....could you get out of the bathroom, first?
Shinobu kisses him deeply. Mendo is stunned at first but joins in the
kiss.
Joel: What was Shinobu kissing deeply if Mendo just now joined her?
Tom: I can take a guess....
Crow: Hee hee hee!
Mendou was fiddling with the zipper to Shiobu's dress
Joel: Hey, it was *Mendo* a second ago!
Crow: Looks like the understudy's gone home and it's time for the young
master to take over!
but the zipper didn't want to give. Shinobu wanted to give Mendo a
little incentive and unzipped his fly.
Crow: Moments later, the back of Shinobu's dress was torn to shreds.
Tom: Whips it out, then zips it back up again! BWAHAHAHHAHAH!!
Joel: Now it's spelt *Mendo* again. What's going on here?!?
Putting her hand through his underwear fly she began to
play with him.
Crow: Red rover, red rover, let sausage link come over!
Tom: <Mendo> So, you always give a handjob after urination?
Joel: <Shinobu> Hey, I washed my hands!
That incentive worked when he finally undid her zipper. Her
nightgown fell off in a second,
Tom: Nightgown? What happened to the black dress?
Leaving her in a bra, panties, and pantyhose.
Crow: <imitating sound of a wolf>
Joel: Heel, boy! Heel!
Crow: Great idea! I'll picture her wearing those too!
Joel: <sighs>
Shinobu told Shutro to stand back. He did. Shinobu began to
sultrily pull of hr under wear.
Tom: Check it out! It's an incoherent striptease!
Crow: Just like the Demi Moore movie... Incoherent!
When she was done Mendou licked his lips.
Crow: Lip Balm! Try using it!
Joel: <Mendou> Boy, if you did what I think you did, I'm really turned
on now!
He realized now as he had before that she truly was a good looking girl.
Tom: <Mendou> Not as *Drop-dead gorgeous* as that pig-tailed girl,
but still good looking, none the less!
Crow: <singing> You're sort of everything I've ever wanted....
He dove towards her and began to suck on her breasts.
Joel: <Mendou> ALL RIGHT!!! NIPPLES!!!
Tom: <Mendou> SWEET-O!!!
Crow: <giggling> Yes, it's seducing women: The Happosai Way!
She gave a slight moan and began to sweat.
Tom: <singing> Whip it! Whip it good!
Tracing a line with his tounge Mendo finally got to her nether-regions.
Using his tounge to tease her clit he brought her to the extreme of
pleasure.
All: *EXTREME* PLEASURE!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
He sent his face full force into her pussy
Crow: Geez, is he trying to tunnel into her or what?
Joel: Journey To The Center Of The Shinobu....
and used his tounge to probe her inner area.
Tom: <Shinbou> Anal probe?!? What are you, an obnoxious alien?
Joel: Ick, Tom!
"Oh Shutaro" she screamed
Crow: Yeah, you could just *feel* the volume of that one.
as he brought her to the brink of an orgasm. She grinded her hips ino
his face as her juices came out.
Crow: Ick, that's not kosher...
Shutaro began to remove all of his clothing. "Be gentle..." she said.
Tom: <Shutaro> Uh....okay. I'll take off my socks....one at a time....
very....carefully....
"I'ts... my first time."
Joel: <Shutaro> Really? I've done it countless times!
Crow: <Shinobu> Yeah, I could tell from your breast sucking technique.
She guided him into her and was wracked with pleasure.
Tom: She's in the torture wrack! If Shinobu orgasms, she'll lose the title!
When he reached her Hymen he stopped for a second and pushed back
in with great force. Shinobu screamed as her walls broke down,
but then, her pain turns to pleasure.
Tom: ...And our tenses are changed!
Joel: Shinobu. When the walls fell.
Crow: Shinobu. Her clothes uncovered.
Tom: Mendou. His fly open.
Crow: Lum. Her legs wide.
Joel: Joel. His eyes closed.
The great pleasure she was feeling could never be achieved by
masturbating.
Tom: <Lum> Speak for yourself!
Crow: Da'cha!
Her breaths became shallower and shallower as she rose to her climax.
Crow: <Lloyd Bridges> By this time her lungs were aching for water!
She could tell Mendo was ready too. With a shout she climaxed,
Joel: <Shinobu> TOGGG!!!
and right after, Mendo did too.
Tom: <Mendo> BOOOMSHACALAKA!!!
"Shall we head back to the party, Shinobu?"
She looked at him with a flushed face "Sure. Why not?
Crow: I don't know, Possibly something about being nekkid and soaked
with bodily fluids?
Joel: <Shutaro> After all, the night is young and I've still got that
Drop-dead gorgeous pig-tailed girl to lure to bed!
Tom: Speaking of heading back guys, it's time to go.
(Joel picks up Tom and walks towards the exit.)
Crow: Carry me, too!
Joel: Aw, come on, Crow. You're too big for that.
Crow: Please!
Joel: Well....okay, I'll come back for you.
(Joel picks up Tom and takes him out of the theater. Then he returns
for Crow and cradles him in his arms before leaving the theater.)
Crow: Wheeeee!
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"Bring out the box!"
Crow did so and Joel reached inside to grab a bunch of fan
letters and began to read them out loud.
"As always, to protect the privacy of the people who wrote in,
we've left off the last name and e-mail address of the senders. Don't
worry, they're all genuine," Tom pointed out.
"Out first letter comes to us from M.G. and she writes...."
*Hi!
My name is Goddess Shampoo (well, that's not my REAL name, of
course). Your "Mystery Science Theater 6.7" fanfics are soooooo cool!
I love to read them! Keep it up! (You just gotta love Crow...^-^)
--- Goddess Shampoo*
"Aiya! Thanks for the great letter, M.G! I love you too....though
I'm not quite ready to be tied down though...." Crow replied.
"Tied up, on the other hand...." Tom wisecracked.
Joel chuckled as he reached into the box again. "Our next letter
comes to us from Sk8ball13 and he writes....
*First of all, I'd just like to say that you are a genius. I have (as far as I
know) every episode of MST67 except for 107 - which I would appreciate
if you could send me a copy - and they're very inspirational, for the
beginning MSTer, anyway. The first episode of Mystery Science Theater
3000 I saw on TV got me into MSTing, but I had NO idea where to go,
nor was I aware that text MSTing was such a popular "sport." After
searching the web like a madman, I came upon Timothy McLees's Vault.
I looked and looked through the MSTs, and as soon as I skimmed through
one of your MSTs (103, if I remember correctly), I copied every single
one from Tim's site.
Like I said, your works are/were very inspirational. Your episodes
became a template for mine, which helped alot, due to the alternating
script/prose forms of MSTs. Since I don't know too many pop-culture
references relating to anime, I've been staying away from MSTing anime
fan-fics, but my school DOES have an indepent newsletter.... and I think
you guessed it! The average intelligence of the staff and students at my
school doesn't even hold a candle to that of a nutritious bowl of Froot
Loops with skim milk. I get my materials from the poorly written and
the even more pooly edited "stories." The characters I work with are
actually myself and two of my friends in the year 2008, who became
tied in with the sister experiment of the Satellite of Love by their/our
employer at Stuff 'n' Junk Labs: Dr. Clayton Forrester!
My friends and I actually started a company to produce the MSTs:
Brains Ltd (get it? Brains *limited*? Har, har, harty har-har). We don't
really make any money, it's just to make us feel better about our miserable
existances.
Oh, and the Oscar lemons are truly horrifying. I can't see what stopped
Joel's head from exploding, too.
Sk8ball13*
"Wow! Thanks, Sk8ball13! Actually, I had a migraine for a
while after Oscar Toon but then I took one of THESE...."
Joel holds up a cup of steaming milk.
"....and it was gone!" Joel finished with a grin. "Seriously,
though, it makes us feel good to know we can inspire people to MST
and show off their writing skills and humor."
"Our next letter comes to us from Addison, regarding our
MSTing of Shakari's 'California Dreaming'....
*<applause> Easily one of your best yet. Granted, the sheer awfulness
of the story probably helped, but you've done hideous stories with
somewhat weak MSTings before...this was solid hilarious. Even the
opening segments (which, to be honest, usually bore me) were great---I
especially liked the Hero's Quest bit. ^_^*
"Uh....thanks....I think." Crow bigsweated.
"Hey, those host segments are hard to write! I suppose you'd
rather have us in the theater all the time, doing nothing but riffing and
having my head blown off, eh?!? Why, I outta....!" Tom steamed.
"Guys, guys! Come on, we dish it out, we can take it too.
Addison isn't the first person to complain about our host segments and
he has a right to his opinion! Besides, he liked the California Dreaming
MSTing!"
"I guess so." Crow muttered.
"Better he like us for something than nothing, right, Tom?" Joel
inquired.
"Yeah, yeah, okay!" Tom sighed.
"Okay, our final letter is from our old friend Keener and I liked
it so much that I wanted to share it with all of you. He sent it as a reply
to someone who was basically shredding MSTers in general...." Joel held
the letter up to the camera.
*I happen to know of at least one MSTer who is different, he seems to
understand something that the casual joke cracker, first stone throwing
riffer does not... that an MST is supposed to be funny, and to make a
certain kind of fic, go down easier. Doing one's best Beavis and
Butthead impersonation does not help. Yes, the reader is probably aware
the fic he's reading is substandard, otherwise he wouldn't have bothered
with an MST. Saying stuff sucks is... categorically... unfunny.
Megane understands this. Comments are made not to hurt an author's
ego, not to flaunt some sort of fanfic Masters degree, but to genuinely
entertain the reader. A spoonful of Joker juice to make the Lemon go
down, so to speak. He chooses his stories carefully, looking not for the
worst, or the most controversial, but for the one that gives him the best
ideas for funny material. I can't read your average Oscar fic or Dr
Thinker fic without him. His versions of Joel, Crow and Tom Servo
comfort me, make me find that most amusing nuggets in what is generally
not a sparkling moment of fanfiction.
As for finding fault without putting anything out on his own, he
includes with every MST, a 10-40K beginning and ending, he doesn't spend
time with his characters "dreading" the next fic, he has them cavorting,
living lives, growing, changing and living and breathing as very real
creations. A long time ago, I helped him work on his technique's... know
what we worked on? Not rifts... not spot the ingrown plot
misconception... we worked on the characterization of Joel and his
companions. Now, after two years of working with them, I know for a fact
his grasp of them exceeds my own, even when I had foolishly convinced
myself of some sort of expert status.
His characters grow, they remember old fics, they remember old
events, plot events that happen in their lives... they change, they
expand... there may be someone else's work in the guts of the machine,
but I promise you, Megane doesn't write MST's... he writes fanfics about
Mystery Science Theater 3000... real, actual fanfics with more, well
FUN, then just about anything I've ever read.
I agree, most MST's aren't really worth mentioning and most of the
MSTers would be better served writing fics instead of booing them. But,
Megane, he's writing a fic, and it's a really good one and I for one
can't wait till the next one.*
"Kinda makes us sound like a family, huh?" Crow remarked,
his voice trembling a bit with emotion.
"Yeah....kinda gets you right here....uh, well, I can't move my
arms to thump my heart but you know what I mean." Tom added.
"What else can we say, Keener, but thank you." Joel said with a
smile.
Suddenly, alarms and sirens suddenly rang out. "Wow, I'm so
moved by that letter, I'm actually seeing colored lights now!" Tom
remarked with wonder.
"Me too! And I can hear bells chiming! It must be my spirit
soaring with happiness and the satisfaction of a job well done....or else
someone substituted my battery acid for LSD!" Crow exclaimed.
"OHHHH, WE'VE GOT LEMON SIGN!!!" Joel cried out.
TO BE CONTINUED IN URUSEI YATSURA: THE KIDNAPPING PT. 2....
Hello! I was originally going to make this a single part MSTing but it's
simply too long so I split it into two parts and made sure the second part
was available along with this one, to be read at your discretion. As with
part one, there's lots more to come in the second part so don't skip it or
you'll only be missing out on some great riffs. ;)