Here it is at last...Nicole managed to tear herself away from that
medical degree hobby of hers, and finish off her last chapter before
Urac Daria Sigma comes back... is this conclusion worth the wait? You
decide! (Guess ye'll just hafta comment to let us know, yes? ;) )
NARRABUNDAH 1/2
created by Urac Daria Sigma and Suzy Styles
Volume III, chapter four
Tasukete! Nusumigiki no Sanningumi!
by Nicole Wylie
CAST OF CHARACTERS
SIGMATOME RATBAT
Very worried
TENDO SUZY
Also very worried
TENDO NIKI
Painting
TOBOKI EUAN
Painted
KOUNJI COLLEEN
Suspect
SIGMATOME NICOLE
Also suspect
TENDO BOBBI
Oblivious
SIGMATOME LEN
Also oblivious
TENDO FIONA
Maybe not
YUKA LOUISE
Definitely not
TITLE SEQUENCE.
[Opening theme: Hentai! Finishes with an
appropriate art-card and a voice-over from
Suzy.]
SUZY [VO]: Tasukete! Nusumigiki no Sanningumi![1]
[1] Help! A trio of eavesdroppers!
1. OUTSIDE DOJO.
[Establishing shot. It is the day after last
episode]
2. LIVING ROOM.
[Ratbat-chan is sprawled on the floor, reading
a manga. Bobbi and Len , who is in his panda
form, are drinking scotch and playing shogi
[surprise, surprise] Niki is in a corner with
an accountant's calculator and a smug
expression. Nicole is curled up in a chair,
absorbed in what seems to be a textbook of some
sort.]
[Cut to the doorway, where Fiona is standing,
with a fresh pot of tea. She enters, and begins
refilling cups. She comes to stand by Nicole,
who is still engrossed.]
FIONA: My, Sigmatome-san, I didn't know you were
studying ancient Chinese, Narrabundah must have
a more broad spectrum curriculum than I thought.
NICOLE: Urk!
[As you may have guessed, Nicole was a little
startled by the interruption. Once she has
climbed down off the ceiling lamp, however, she
is her usual, reasonably calm fourteen year old
self. Fiona doesn't seem to have noticed.]
RATBAT: Ano, dooshite? Why study ancient Chinese?
NICOLE: I can actually read it a bit already, but I'm
brushing up on it. I found a really
interesting book in the National Library today -
an ancient Chinese novel. But before I try to
get into it, I want to make sure my reading is
good enough that I don't need to stop and look
up a character. [Self] Though I might want to
look up an old flame of a character...[2]
RATBAT [self]: I knew the wrong parent took me to China.
NICOLE: And anyhow, it'll prove useful when we go back
to Jusenkyou to do something about your curse,
Ratti-kun.
[Ratbat gets that hunted look. You know the
one.]
RATBAT: Umm...right. The curse.
[At this point, Nicole turns back to her
textbook, oblivious to Ratti's sudden cold
sweat.]
FIONA: Are you feeling all right, Ratbat-chan? you look
a little pale.
[Nicole turns around, and sees Ratti.]
NICOLE [concerned]: You are rather pale... Anything
wrong?
RATBAT: Nonononono, nothing, I... urk!
NICOLE [more cheerful]: Oh, I'm sorry my son, I didn't
realize it was that time of the month. Shall I
get you some hot water? or would you prefer
evening primrose oil?
[At this very sincere offer, Ratbat face faults
and keels over. Before either of the well
intentioned females can do anything further,
Suzy enters. Obviously distressed, she starts
picking things up, looking under them, and then
throwing them over her shoulder. She does this
to Ratbat.]
RATBAT [VO]: For once, I'm actually glad she did that. Owtch.
[Beat] Masochist.
SUZY [sniffs]: I can't . . . I just can't . . .
RATBAT: Suzy-kun! What's the matter?
SUZY: I just can't find B-Chan. [sniffs again] He
wouldn't have run away! I know he wouldn't.
RATBAT: Maybe Eu-- er, B-Chan got lost. He's as bad
as Euan at that.
[2] Curious? see the upcoming OAVs. Plug, plug.
3. OUTSIDE DOJO.
[There is a scream as Ratbat exits the house -
through the roof.]
SUZY [VO]: B-Chan is not bad!
4. LIVING ROOM.
[Suzy slumps into a chair. At this point, B-chan
cheerfully, if a little tiredly, wanders into
the room and curls up on Suzy's lap.]
SUZY: B-chan! you're not lost after all!
NIKI [from doorway]: That'll be the day. [to self] I
wonder where he stashed his clothes this time.
There could be a profit in this . . .
[The camera follows Niki as she exits.]
5. HALLWAY.
[Niki walks along the wall until she hits a door
with a sign on it. The Sign reads 'Broom
Cupboard. NOT Dojo Student Toilet.' Niki takes a
look in either direction and then, seeing no one
about, grins ferally, opens the door and walks
in.]
[Fiona walks by, smiling sweetly.]
FIONA: How nice. Niki's finally beginning to show an
interest in learning how to run a household. Or
a small nuclear powered country. I'd best not
disturb her, she might be embarrassed. [Giggles
to herself]
6. 'BROOM CUPBOARD'.
[Niki has just finished shutting the door.
Track on her as she turns around and looks at
the room. Yes folks, that's right, the Broom
Cupboard is actually a moderately large room,[3]
crammed to the limits with monitoring
technology.[4] Sitting in the chair facing these
screens is Yuka Louise. She spins the chair
around until she is facing Niki.[5] She has a
troubled expression on her face.]
YUKA: Oh. Hey, Niki. All right?
NIKI [Distracted]: More than a bit nauseous, actually...
YUKA: Sorry?
[Niki shakes it off.]
NIKI: Never mind. I've been listening to too much
gossip about myself. Always worrying when I'm
not the one who made it up.
[Yuka stopped paying attention ages ago.]
YUKA: Han. Fine, good... Glad you're here, actually.
NIKI: Dooshite? Something really juicy come up? Nice
friendly blackmail material like the stuff I
used to get you to do part time work here?
YUKA: Hmmph. I only work here because 'Computer
monitoring and data analysis' looks really good
on a CV.
NIKI: Hai, hai. What've you got?
YUKA [Resuming her worried look]:Get this.
[Louise taps some keys on the board in front of
her. Looking over the girls' shoulders we see a
screen showing the Dojo kitchen go blank, and
then red text flashes up briefly. It reads
'Repeated material' and gives the time and
location of the shots. The first shows Colleen,
entering the dojo, removing her sandals and
slipping on a pair of the slippers kept for dojo
guests. She is wearing a pair of shorts.]
YUKA: This was just after the whole seppuku drama. As
was this.
[A shot of Euan, tired and travelworn in a pair
of denim cut offs, removing his boots. He
sniffs his socks, makes a face, and removes them
too. He then puts on the same style slippers as
Colleen, and moves towards the dojo proper.[6]]
NIKI: And the point is...?
YUKA: Watch. This's the same time as the others.
[Third shot is of Nicole, just walking out of
her room. She has removed her formal Kimono and
is in her uniform, minus the knee high socks.
She is also wearing the Dojo slippers.]
[Cut to Louise's and Niki's faces.]
YUKA: And now for the piece de resistance . . .
[Both intently watch the screen.]
NIKI: Oh shit.
[Fade to black.]
[3] Doncha just loove the way there's no designated floor plan
for this house yet? I do.
[4] Rather a lot like the Batcave in Kingdom Come, actually.
[5] Given the propensity of these chairs to spin, this takes her
several tries.
[6] For the sake of the story, I'll tell you now that he is
actually heading in the right direction. For once.
7. SUZY'S ZONE.
[When we fade in again it is Suzy's bedroom. She
and Ratbat-chan are sitting on the bed and floor
respectively watching an anime.]
SUZY: See? I'm telling you, Dirty Pair would win hands
down.
RATBAT: No way! MKR are too kawaii to lose to that kowai
pair! 'sides, they've got Mokona.
[Suzy is about to continue the age-old[7] debate,
but is interrupted by the appearance of Niki,
looking very pale. She walks into the room and
switches off the video they're watching.]
SUZY & RATBAT: HEY! What're you doing!??!
[Niki inserts a video tape she is carrying with
her. (Inserts it into the VCR, you hentai!)]
NIKI: Trust me. You don't want to see this...
[Suzy and Ratti look confused.]
NIKI: ...but you have to.
[All turn to the TV screen, which naturally
enough now takes up the whole of our (the
audience's) screen.]
[Watching the screen we see the shots of the
three other people as before, then the image
switches over to one that appears to be from the
camera installed in the hallway next to the door
leading to the Dojo's training hall[8]. The
little time-date thingy on the bottom corner
sets it as during Ratti and Suzys' discussion
last episode.[9] On screen there are several
thumps as of something hitting the wall. In the
background we hear two voices, muffled. They
seem to be coming from inside the hall. The
thumps continue, jarring the camera.]
[There is a final thump, louder than the others.
The camera, unhinged, falls to the ground,
showing a skewed image of the floor. Two feet,
encased in the standard slippers of the dojo,
walk into the shot. Just as in last episode.
And also as in last episode, the owner of those
two feet slumps against the wall for support
after hearing something from inside the dojo
training hall.]
[Niki stops the VCR and inserts a second tape,
this time the screen shows the inside of the
dojo training hall, it is the same scene from
last episode, and the clock at the bottom of the
screen shows it is at the same time as the last
clip:]
SUZY [on video]: Once Nicole figures what out?
RATBAT [on video]:That this female body is more than just
skin deep. That it's the real me.
[The camera pulls back, onto Ratti and Suzy's
identical face faulting visages.]
NIKI: And due to a certain mallet-ly endowed female's
destructive tendencies, the identity of the
eavesdropper has not been established.
SUZY & RATBAT: Huh?
NIKI [impatient]: I mean, you twits, that 'cos Suzy's mallet
knocked down my camera, we don't know who was
listening in on your little heart-to-heart!
There are three possible viewers, and you've
given one of them your sworn promise to become a
man or die!
[By this stage all three are sweat beading.]
SUZY: Who was that promise thing with again?
[Ratti and Niki collapse, Ratti recovering
first.]
RATBAT: What're we gonna do? We'll have to figure out
who knows.
SUZY: Now there's a plan.
[Despite the obvious sarcasm, Ratti is
encouraged.]
RATBAT: I'll just go ask Nicole if she's the one who
listened in and now knows my secret, knows that
I'm really a girl!
[Moves toward the door but before she can get
even close, Suzy and Niki pounce on her.]
SUZY & NIKI: BAKA!!! you'd find out by telling her!?! What if
she isn't the one who already knows!
SUZY: Niki, could you please find out among those
three which one knows - and do it tactfully.
(WhoamIkiddingthisisNikiohgodohgodwearesodead!)
I'm going to keep an eye on Stupid here and
stop her from swallowing her foot up to the
knee.
NIKI [Pouts):Why should I? I've already shown you the video
gratis. No, you have to pay me whether or not
I'm tactful.
RATBAT: Look at it this way - if you help me without
blowing the information, you can collect a
reward for it from me. If you blow it, then
I'll be dead and you'll have to collect from my
heirs.
NIKI: ...but you don't have heirs...yet. Unless you and
Suzy...impossible. I would have known. So, no
heirs.
RATBAT: Precisely.
[Niki realises she has been outmanoeuvred.]
NIKI: Fine. But I do this my way. I'll take Euan,
assuming he isn't lost again yet.
[Sudden lightbulb flashes over her head.]
NIKI: And earn two paychecks with one job! This could
work out nicely.
[Leaving Suzy and Ratti to wonder where,
precisely, Niki is going to get the other
paycheck from, Niki leaves.]
RATBAT: I wonder what she meant, she'd have known?
[dismisses the thought] Well, I guess it's up
to us to find and surreptitiously interrogate
the other two.
SUZY: Hai, but you come with me, I don't want you out
of my sight. You'll do something stupid.
RATBAT [miffed]: I'd probably do something stupid in your
sight too, so what's the fuss?
[The two exit, bickering. As they do, the
clothes hamper gets up and walks out after them.
Fade to black.]
[7] Well, series-old, then.
[8] Phew. Try typing that five times fast.
[9] Well it doesn't actually say that literally, but...you
get the idea.
8. NIKI'S LAIR.
[Establishing shot: a single straight-backed
swivel-chair[10] in Niki's bedroom, at the moment
occupied by Euan. There is a single ceiling
light illuminating the chair. Upon closer
observation, we see Euan is stripped to the
waist and tied to the chair. He is sweatbeading
rather badly.]
EUAN: I don't see why all this is really necessary,
after all...
[A Silhouetted Niki approaches bearing an object
that is (logically) silhouetted in her hands.
It has a spiky end.]
EUAN: ...surely you could practice your stage make-up
skills on someone else. Like the actor. And
what's with the rope anyway?
[Niki comes into the light, and is carrying a
make-up set, the spiky bit being a brush handle
sticking out from the top of the set.]
NIKI [ignoring the first part of Euan's comment]: The
rope's to stop you wandering off to the bathroom
and ending up in Uganda. I'll let you go when
I'm done.
[Starts applying the make-up to Euan. She's
good. Soon an entire monster face is applied.
Niki looks critically at her work, and then rubs
it off.]
NIKI: The things I have to do to earn a decent fee
these days.
[She starts reapplying the makeup. This time it
is a cutesy teddy bear face that is created.
Suzy and Ratti enter. Euan doesn't see them as
they enter from behind him.]
SUZY: We couldn't find Nicole or Colleen. We're gonna
try Kochan's next, unless . . .
[She looks at Niki hopefully.]
[Niki winks conspiratorially, mouthing 'I
haven't asked' at Suzy, who sighs, and turns to
leave. Niki rubs off the Teddy bear and keeps
working.]
SUZY: Well, I leave him to you, Ratti and I will...
EUAN: Ratbat! Where is that fiend, that false friend,
that trickster!
[At this, the other three start to look worried.
Euan is now wearing gingerbread man makeup. Niki
wipes it off.]
RATBAT: I'm right here. What's up?
EUAN: You deceiver! I challenge you to Mortal Combat!!
[By this stage, Ratti is obviously convinced
that Euan is the one who heard. The last bit,
however, really shakes her up. Euan's makeup is
now that of a ghost. Well, it is briefly until
Niki wipes it off again.]
RATBAT: Han? you wanna kill me over this little . . .
misunderstanding?!!?
EUAN: MISUNDERSTANDING! Suzy, I'll have you know that
this lying man you are so wrongfully engaged to
sent me in the opposite direction of the dojo
when I asked for directions!
[This time it is an indignant Jack-o-lantern
face.]
RATBAT [Narked]: Of course I did! Why do you think you made
it here! Gah! why do I bother?!
SUZY [Quietly]: He said 'man'...
RATBAT: I don't care what he said, he challenged me to
mortal...oh.
[Ratti realises what this means . . . both then
look relieved. Then Ratbat looks worried again.
Niki's latest creation on Euan's face is that of
a robot's visage.]
EUAN: Well!? You must accept the challenge! I just got
the second hook-up so that two of us can play at
once!
[Waves around two playstation hand control
thingies. No, I don't know where he pulled them
from. Ratti face-faults.]
RATBAT: Nani?
EUAN: Well, you are an 'anything goes martial
artist', aren't you? Well? too good for video
games?
RATBAT: Maybe later, okay?
EUAN: Oh. Okay.
[By this stage all three have caught on. Ratti
and Suzy turn to leave in search of the next
person to question. Suddenly Ratti pauses.
Turning, she addresses Euan's back, which she is
currently facing as she is about to leave
through the doorway[11]. Niki is still working on
the next face.]
RATBAT: One question, Euan...
EUAN: Yeah?
RATBAT: Do you know the difference between boys and
girls?
EUAN: Of course I do...
[Niki spins him around in the chair until he
faces Ratbat and Suzy. This paint job is of an
incredibly cute idol singer face. Euan looks
alarmingly good in it, especially with his hair
out of its' pony tail. Niki grins, obviously
satisfied with her work . . . both parts of it.]
EUAN: ...girls are the ones with long hair and makeup!
[Niki, Suzy and Ratti facefault.]
NIKI: Well, let's find the next one.
[They leave.]
EUAN: Heeeeyyyy! Niki! I'm still tied up! Lemme go!
[This looks incredibly cute coming from an idol
singer lookalike. Fade to black.]
[10] Yes, there are a lot of them in the dojo.
[11] It being a little hard for her to leave through any other
means not involving mass destruction.
9. KOCHAN'S.
[As Suzy, Niki and Ratti enter, it becomes clear
that the place is, for once, virtually empty.
Colleen is behind the counter talking animatedly
to Nicole. Both are drinking tea.]
SUZY: Uh-oh. [To Nicole] What're you doing here,
Sigmatome-san?
NICOLE: Oh, I'm just making sure I've met all of Ratti's
fianc�e's. At least those that are currently
around the place, anyhow.
[Suzy is at a total loss for words. Ratti is
panicking. As we cue in on Ratti's face, we hear
a voice over from earlier this episode:]
SUZY & NIKI [VO]: ...you'd find out if your mother knows by
telling her!?!
RATBAT [VO]: Not quite...
RATBAT: Soooo. Checking out the female halves of this
proposed marriage. [Laughs in a very put on
manner] what would you do if I told you I was
the female?
[Suzy collapses. Niki facefaults, as does
Colleen. Nicole is perfectly calm as she
considers this.]
NICOLE: Well, I guess then Suzy, as a bit of a tomboy,
would be a perfect match for you. See? arranged
marriages do work out sometimes [laughs] What
would I do? Hmm . . . I don't know, maybe
seppuku, maybe not. What do you think, Colleen?
COLLEEN: I don't think Ratti would do that to me. I mean
think about it; that would mean she'd have
stolen my femininity for no reason. Not only
that, it would mean she didn't bother to tell me
about this gender thing when we met again, an
ideal reason why I should have had it back a
long time ago. I'd have wasted years of my life
feeling terrible and dressing worse, just
because she didn't feel like talking. No, she
wouldn't pull a stunt like that, not one that
would ruin my whole life.
[At this stage Ratti is looking verrrrrry
uncomfortable.]
NICOLE: Mmmm. Well, I'd better go. I told Fiona I'd cook
dinner so she could go out. My boy being a
girl. What a bizarre notion. [Shakes her head]
I'll see you two later then. Ja neeeee!
[Nicole exits the shop, skipping along in her
school uniform, having apparently put the gender
notion out of her mind as much less interesting
than dinner, in true Miaka form. Niki seems to
think of something as she goes.]
SUZY: Did you hear that?
[Suzy and Ratbat are no longer within Niki's
attention range: She decides something, then
heads off after Nicole.]
RATBAT: Yeah! Okaasan called me her boy! She isn't the
one who knows!
NIKI [OOV, off]: Sigmatome-san...can I ask you about
something...[fade]
RATBAT: Waitaminit... Col-chan said 'she', and she's the
third of the candidates...
[Ratti turns to face Colleen, only to meet a
roundhouse slap coming the other way.]
COLLEEN: You bastard! How could you!?
[Fade to black.]
END CREDITS.
[With the ending theme Friends.]
Sigmatome Ratbat
URAC DARIA SIGMA
Tendo Suzy
SUZY STYLES
Sigmatome Nicole
NICOLE WYLIE
Tendo Niki
NIKI O'BRIEN
Toboki Euan
EUAN BOWEN
Kuonji Colleen
COLLEEN HICK
Yuka Louise
LOUISE DOUGLAS-MAJOR
Tendo Fiona
FIONA McCULLOCH
EUAN [VO]: Hey Niki! Suzy? Ratbat? Anyone? I gotta go to
the bathroom. And Uganda! Heeeeeelp!
Written by
NICOLE WYLIE
Lingual assistance and editing
URAC DARIA SIGMA
Series created by
URAC DARIA SIGMA
and
SUZY STYLES
with apologies to
TAKAHASHI RUMIKO
and
CHUCK DIXON
(amongst others)
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/1778/bundahalf.html
A Coyote Ink Risis production, in conjunction with a
Recycladelic Cacti effort
(c) Coyote Ink Risis/Recycladelic Cacti MCMXCIX
===
+--------------------------------------------------------------------+
| 'Batman's "The Dark Knight". Superman's "The Man of Steel". If |
| I'm not careful I'll be Starman "the hero who gets knocked out and |
| tied up a lot".' - Jack Knight |
+------- The Ratcave http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/1778 --------+
| Urac Daria 'Ratbat' Sigma, the Green Flame ratbat@rocketmail.com |
+--------------------------------------------------------------------+
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