"Alan Harnum" <harnums@HOTMAIL.COM> wrote:

    "Perhaps we should go out for dinner some night."
    
    Nodoka frowned.  "I'm not sure that's..."
    
    He laughed, and it sounded more genuine this time.  "As
friends, Nodoka."

"Do you like panda steak?"

    Yoko raised a gloved hand and minutely adjusted her tight 
bun.

Um... are you talking about her hair, or...

    Tingling apprehension crept on spindly legs up her spine and
neck.  "I am sorry," she said after a moment's gathering of
thoughts.  "Are you another acquaintance of my sons?"

son?" (She's only got one)

    Taikazu nodded tightly and rose on stiff legs to walk out of
the living room.  Yoko turned her attentions back to Nodoka and
steepled her fingers together with a slightly smile.

slight

    Akari took an unconscious step back.  The memory came all of
a sudden;

I've always heard that expression as 'all of the sudden'

    I will not let you see me weep, Yoko, he vowed silently,
though he wanted to do nothing more than that.  Why he felt the
need he did not know - he had done worse things than betrayal of
a friend in his service to her.

Slightly ambiguous -- I'd write this as 'had done worse things in his
service to her than betrayal of a friend.'

    "I suppose it is right to tell you," Yoko said.  "Your
grandson interfered earlier with us.  He had to be dealt with."

    Pain and grief shot through him.  "Dealt with?" he asked
numbly.   
    

"We sent the Gambling King after him. It wasn't pretty."

    Click.  He laid the phone down.  From the top shelf of his
bedroom closet, he took down the shoe box.  In the living room he
put the only recording he never listened to anymore from it, 
his daughter's graduation recital from the Tokyo Conservatory, on
the stereo.

This sentence is really confusingly written.

    It was not a slow rise from unconsciousness.  Not that, no,
not the lazy realization of self and the fade of darkness from 
the mind.  This was a desperate gasp into waking, like a swimmer
whose head at last breaks the surface of dark water.  

I think that should be 'broke'

    "Who are you?" she tried to ask through the gag.
    

"I'm Ratman."

    And, she thought as she rose how much time did she have?  

I'd put a comma after rose.

She picked up the ring and slipped it into her finger, and had
almost reached for the doorknob before she paused.  There must be 

'There had to be' would keep it in past tense.

    They retreated on tiptoes back towards the bend in the
passageway, and snuck around the corner just as a red-clad
figure came into view up the hallway they'd been in moment's

moments

    Happosai chuckled as he walked up to the girl.  "Did you
ever doubt I wouldn't?"

Doesn't he mean 'would?'

    "Oldyoung man," a voice hissed from above.  He could not
pinpoint the location, for it seemed to come from everywhere.  
"You come here alone and challenge I, fool?"

"Yes! To a pronoun-using contest!"

    Nenreiko laughed softly as Tarou staggered to his feet.  His
strength had come back nearly as fast as it had left him, but the
lingering sting of the blow made him feel as if she'd broken his 
jaw.  "Idiot children," she said.  "Fuhaiko may have betrayed 
Hako and I, but if she thought that you could stop us, she was 

          ^
Her too? Our heroes could challenge these people to Martial Arts Pronoun
Usage, and beat 'em easily.

    "Kill her, you mean," Ukyou said softly.  "That is what you
mean, isn't it Fuhaiko?"     
    

it, Fuhaiko?"

    Mistress reached out her hand and Ratcrowsnakewormmaggot
leapslithercrawled up her arm and perchclung to her thin
shoulder.     

The way this creature puts words together is really neatcool. I like it.

    "I couldn't help it, mother.  It gets into the bone.  Into

Capitalize Mother here.

    "Whatever you do," Tarou gasped, "don't throw me in the
water."

Nice try, Br'er Pantyhose....

    "Where's Ukyou and her friend," he asked.
    

friend?"

Very good chapter; lots of suspenseful action, combined with WUE's
trademark vivid descriptive work. Looking forward to the next one soon!