Mike Noakes <s669330@aix2.uottawa.ca> wrote:

    Nodoka Saotome whistled a happy tune as she prepared a
light meal for Ranko, hands working with unconscious ease.  She
always felt comfortable and welcome at the Tendo's; it was strange,

Tendos';

    Ranma flinched back as if slapped, then dropped his gaze to
the floor.  Finally, after a long-seeming moment, he raised his eyes
to Akane's, and matched her glare with a look -- a searching gaze,
an enigmatic glance -- that defied Nabiki's attempt to decipher. 
Another moment, then he sighed and stepped away.  Without
another word or look back, he stepped into the bathroom.

You use "stepped" an awful lot... here's two times in the same
paragraph.

    Except, of course, it was not his bathroom, nor his house. 
It was the Tendo's, and at any given time, they had every right to

Tendos'

seen Nabiki before stepping into the bathroom, she had not seemed
aware of what had gone on, either.  So obviously Akane had only
told part of the story -- the parts where he drank himself silly and
had a good time.  Was that a good thing?  Did that mean that,
perhaps, there was a possibility of somehow, with time, of working

One too many "of"s there.

this through?
    An involuntary gasp and sudden start snapped him out of his
revery, as he unconsciously passed the icy cloth a little close to his

I think the word is "reverie."

offer for a late afternoon stroll; she was right, the fresh air _was_
doing him some good.  But the inevitable nervousness that came
with being around her, and the impossibility of forgetting the
problems awaiting for him when he returned home -- to the
Tendo's home, he amended -- made it impossible for him to glean

Tendos'

    "No," yelled the young girl, leaping to her feet.  "No!"  "For

Extra quote mark there.

    He lay there in  the dark, hovering suspended between
dream and wakefulness, the breathing of his mother an ephemeral
sighing on the edge of consciousness.  Sharing a room with her
always made Ranma anxious as he drifted towards sleep: what if he
awoke a man, still softly encased in the nightgown she had insisted
he wear.

Should be a question mark here?

    It took a moment for Ranma to realize that he was being
addressed.  "Me?"  Receiving a nod, he shrugged.  "Fine, I guess." 
What's up with name, he wondered.  Red?  Because of my girl-
body's hair?  But they've never called me that before. . . 

Funny, that. And they've never remarked on the huge eyeballs, either....

characteristics that forces them to flee.  Their hedonistic lifestyle
when removed from the tight constraints of their previous econo-
social framework -- rendering them akin to childlike Kurtz' on a
smoother moralistic landscape --- indicate that innocence remains
corrupt and the Prelapsarian state lies perpetually beyond their
grasp: for them, paradise can not be regained, though hope remains
in the form of their unexpected, and uniquely conceived, child.  For,
though denied them, the island is obviously the original _hortus
conclusus_, the primal Eden despite its shadowy undercutting.  The
text is aptly named, then, as Bli-."

We get it, already. No need to be obvious about it... :p

    A tickling on the back of his neck snapped him out of his
near-comatose state.  Without looking, he reached back and
snagged the letter.  He wondered what Akane had to say. 
Somehow, he doubted she would want to talk to him.  Too bad, he
decided.  He wasn't sure when the determination had come upon
him to confront her, but he knew it couldn't just end like this:
whether he stayed or left, the Tendo's kicked him out or not,

Tendos

    A sudden intense desire to simply stand up and leave
gripped him, and he wondered, why shouldn't I?  What do I gain by
staying here, what do I care what these idiots think?  The Tendo's

Tendos'

is no longer my home, therefore neither is Nerima nor Furinken. 

Furinkan

grumbling over the necessity at remaining female even longer, the
pig-tailed girl returned to his locker to get lunch, only to remember
that, in the morning's haste, he had forgotten it at the Tendo's.  It

Tendos'

    Coloring slightly, he glanced down at the blue Furinken

Furinkan

uniform.  "Long story.  Not my choice, trust me.  I'm stuck like this
for a bit."

"Just for the next nine months, that's all." :-P

    "I know what you're going to say.  Don't worry, it's not a
problem, really!  And if you're worried about the money. . . don't
be!  You can work at the _Ucchan_ during your free time, I've
heard you make one hell of a waitress."

Actually, he's already waitressed for her on the odd occasion....

    "Hey, waita. . ."
    "Oh, this is just so exciting!"  She was almost bouncing up
and down with glee.  "We'll have to figure out what to do with
your sack-of-lard father, of course.  Maybe a kiddie-ride?  We can
set up a. . ."
    "Er, yeah.  Hold that thought."  He jumped to his feet,
catching a sudden glimpse of Nabiki off in the distance.  "I, ah. . .
gotta go."  Without waiting for an answer, he sprinted away. 
Crossing the field, he asked himself, what was I thinking, telling her
that?  I keep forgetting: Ucchan's not a friend.  She's a fiancee.

YES!! I can't tell you how much I LOVED this scene....

hostile looks his way, Nabiki's anger was cold: it simmered beneath
narrowed eyes and betrayed itself through a clenched fist, her
stiffened back.  The girls he ignored with ease; Nabiki's unwavering
diffident gaze chilled him.  Steeling himself, he walked up to her. 
Again he railed against the shortness the curse imposed upon him
when in his female body: it was hard to feel confident when all the
girls, Nabiki included, seemed to tower overhead.

Um... is his girl form really that much sorter than them? Doesn't look
that way to me.

    The group scrambled to their feet and took off at a jogging
walk towards the school.  A minute later, with some rustling and a
flutter of leaves, Ranma Saotome jumped from his perch amidst the
branches of the tree.  He took a moment to smooth down his skirt
and brushed some dirt from his blouse, and then, once Kiyoshi and
his friends were out of sight, slowly followed their path back
towards Furinken.

Furinkan

    Hiroshi watched in silence from the rear of the class.  An ill
feeling brewed in his stomach.  Having overheard the rumors, the
exaggerations, the speculations, he knew that Ranma could not be
taking this well.  Thus he was surprised when, just before the
second bell rang, the pigtailed girl strode into the classroom and
took her seat.  She seemed calm, face expressionless and placid,
eyes dull.  Without a word she pulled out her textbook and
notepad, placed her hands softly on the desk, and, looking straight
ahead, quietly awaited the arrival of the teacher.

Why's Hiroshi referring to Ranma as "she?" He knows that Ranma's really
a guy.

    "Not 'buts,' Saotome.  I know you're pretty tough, but
rules are rules, and _this_ one the principle hasn't excluded you

principal

    He was dimly aware, as he strode towards the school in an
unhurried but unflagging pace, that the teachers were calling after
him; that the students behind had regained their voice; that some
were following him; that insults were being hurled his way: but he
cared not.  Entering the halls of Furinken, he made his way to his

Furinkan

    "Ranma Saotome," he said.  "Sorry 'bout this."
    Turning his back on them all he left Furinken High School.

Furinkan

That was excellent. Even though this chapter didn't advance the plot
much, it was so intense that it was nearly impossible to put down. The
characterizations were very accurate without sacrificing the serious
tone of the story. The only thing I had to wince at was the story taking
Ranma's "red hair" at face value -- but that's just a pet peeve of mine,
and it certainly fits in well here.

So where's the next one? :-)


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics