"Alan Harnum" <harnums@HOTMAIL.COM> wrote:

       Ti Pi continued, undampened. "What of Shan Pu? You had sent her
on another mission. Has she returned?"

'Undampened' may not be the best word here.  'Undeterred', perhaps?

Don't think that's exactly what I mean here... I meant to say that her
enthusiasm is undampened.

       Akane turned off the burner. "That's okay. I'll feed these to
P-chan, or maybe Mr. Saotome." She pushed the pan onto the back burner,
and took a seat on the counter top. "So tell me what you've been doing
the past few years! You must have learned some incredible things."

Hmm... on the counter top?  Doesn't seem very likely.  Why not have 
her just sit in a chair, or lean back against the counter?  

I don't think they have any chairs there, but the latter idea works.

       "Oooh!" Shiratori Azusa stepped forward excitedly. "That ribbon
is so cute! Dominique! Dominique!"

<resists urge to make joke about the singing nun>

Little does he suspect that this is a crucially important plot point....

There is an inconsistent capitalization of 'Elders' throughout the
entire chapter.  As it is a title, it should be capitalized in all
instances where it is used as such.

Right, will fix.

       "Okay, except worry about what going to happen to sisters. 

Thank

you for go back to help, Mu Si."

Shan is speaking to Mu here.  Presumably, she can speak to him in
Chinese, avoiding the need for broken speech.

I'll think about it. They always seemed to speak Japanese to each other
in the manga, though... and I *like* writing the broken speech. :)

       Congratulatory shouts and cheers filled the air. And Ukyo felt
Mikado's lips on hers.

That's evil, Gary.  That's really evil.

Oh, the fun is only beginning for these two....

Sounds cool to me.  Hopefully the second chapter won't take nearly as
long as the first.

It shouldn't... life is leaving me with a decent amount of writing time
-- at least for the moment.

 This is a very good beginning, and I'm really
anxious to see more.  The interplay between the characters is
effective, and the small plot threads that have been introduced
promise to grow larger and more interesting as they go on.

That they will; hopefully, I'll be able to keep track of the ten or
twenty subplots... :-)

Thanks, Alan. As always, your commentary is very much appreciated!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics