"Megan" <bwerith@mac-addict.com> wrote:

Hi!

"Hearts and Minds" so far is quite good, well written and interesting.

Thanks!

 I only had one tiny complaint: 

	Mu Si turned around. Kuonji Ukyo, another of Ranma's would-be
brides, was speaking with Azusa and her old skating partner, Sanzenin
Mikado. She held a small metal spatula. "Rhonda! Rhonda!"

>From the wording of the second sentence, I was expecting the "she" in the third sentence to refer to Ukyou. However, I was tripped up for a second or two while I tried to figure out why on Earth Ukyou would be saying "Rhonda! Rhonda!"  ^_^;; It would help if you changed the third sentence so it's obvious that "she" refers to Azusa and not to Ukyou.

Ah yes, this was a trouble spot in the pre-reader draft... some of the
pre-readers didn't like my use of Azusa's name twice in a row. Ya can't
win... :-)

Thanks for pointing this out; I'll work on finding a way to rewrite this
bit.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics