Ti Pi continued, undampened. "What of Shan Pu? You had sent her
on another mission. Has she returned?"

'Undampened' may not be the best word here.  'Undeterred', perhaps?

       Ryoga walked over and reached forward hesitantly toward the
animal, to scratch it under the chin the way Akane used to do to him.
The pig snorted angrily as its teeth chomped down sharply on Ryoga's
finger. "Aaaaaa!"

Oh, the irony.  ^_^

       Akane stared back at him in wide-eyed confusion. "Why on Earth
would I hate you? Ryoga, it's not *your* fault that you're afraid of
pigs!"

Heh.  I saw this coming from a mile away.  Very Takahashi-esque.

       Akane turned off the burner. "That's okay. I'll feed these to
P-chan, or maybe Mr. Saotome." She pushed the pan onto the back burner,
and took a seat on the counter top. "So tell me what you've been doing
the past few years! You must have learned some incredible things."

Hmm... on the counter top?  Doesn't seem very likely.  Why not have 
her just sit in a chair, or lean back against the counter?  

       "Oooh!" Shiratori Azusa stepped forward excitedly. "That ribbon
is so cute! Dominique! Dominique!"

<resists urge to make joke about the singing nun>

       "The worst?" Kui leaned forward. "You have no idea. The Outside

I presume you mean 'the outsider'.  Unless it is a title, it should 
not be capitalized.

       Ti Pi kept quiet, hoping the elders would forget that she was

There is an inconsistent capitalization of 'Elders' throughout the
entire chapter.  As it is a title, it should be capitalized in all
instances where it is used as such.

there and carry on as usual. All her life she had watched the elders go
into the mysterious council chamber, and come out with the answer to

As should 'Council'.

       "That belongs to Ukyo here, doesn't it?" Mu Si  said. "Did you
ask her if it was okay for you to take it?"

Extra space between 'Mu Si' and 'said'.

       "Okay, except worry about what going to happen to sisters. 

Thank

you for go back to help, Mu Si."

Shan is speaking to Mu here.  Presumably, she can speak to him in
Chinese, avoiding the need for broken speech.

       She slid the bedroom window open. The bird flew into the air,
and out of sight. The window slammed shut. Kui lay on the bed and tried
to sleep.

Aha!  The plot thickens!

       "After all, your friends are going to have to learn of our
engagement sometime."

       "Our-- ?!?"

       Congratulatory shouts and cheers filled the air. And Ukyo felt
Mikado's lips on hers.

That's evil, Gary.  That's really evil.

       And as she looked up, she saw men dressed all in black, with
face masks that looked like the snouts of pigs. Hundreds, thousands of
them, swarming through the village like insects. And she could do
nothing to resist as they dragged her across the ground. And the world
faded, and the blackness swallowed everything.

Uh-oh.  

AUTHOR'S SPAM:

Yes, I finally finished a chapter of this. Yay! :-)

And about time, too.  ;)

A few words of warning for those planning to continue reading to part 2
and beyond: As you've almost surely guessed, this is not a
happy-happy-joy-joyfic. While I wouldn't call the overall thing dark, 

it

does have some dark corners. At least one of the series regulars won't
survive to the ending.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.  :)

If you're okay with the above, I hope you'll stick around. And I hope
I'll hear from you.

Sounds cool to me.  Hopefully the second chapter won't take nearly as
long as the first.  This is a very good beginning, and I'm really
anxious to see more.  The interplay between the characters is
effective, and the small plot threads that have been introduced
promise to grow larger and more interesting as they go on.

Ciao,
-Alan Harnum


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