Ukyou's Gaijin
A Ranma � Fan Fiction
By Thor Odinson
Draft warning: this is a draft.
Disclaimer: Ranma � is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi and is owned
by Viz.
Self-Insertion Warning: Yes, this is a S.I. fanfic. Almost everyone
does one at one point.
Disclaimer 2: Q, a part of the Star Trek universe, is property of
Paramount.
C&C warning: Comments and Criticism are desired.
Episode A
January 26, 2000
Nerima Ward, Tokyo, Japan
Today. Today marks the first anniversary of my arrival here. Q, for
some reason, is still giggling at this whole thing. Let him. Far for
me to challenge being thrown into the zaniness [or madness, on other
days] that is of the Ranma � reality. I really couldn't complain; he
teleported me and my sizable apartment building to a vacant lot. It's
earning me money and I have plenty of space. My car's still working,
although I still have problems driving on the left side of the road.
Fortunately, the stores are close enough that one can walk.
Anyway, I digress. One year ago, when I left the Hewlett Packard
office in Atlanta and got in my car, a flash of light appeared in the
passenger seat. After coming to, I looked and saw Q. Yes, the same
guy out of Star Trek. I just stared at him with very wide eyes [like
you would expect someone to literally pop on in!]. He then tells me,
"Well? Aren't you going to say something?" Once I got back to
reality, I told him, "Um�..Q��What are you doing here?" He grinned
and said, "Well, besides talking to you, the Continuum has decided to
shuffle the deck, and you are one of the cards, so..�voila!" He snaps
his fingers, and the next thing I remember, I am in my room, waking
up. I went upstairs to fix myself something to eat, but before I
entered the kitchen, I noticed that the outside world did not look
like Atlanta or anything close to being in Georgia. And it was COLD!
And to make things worse, hearing the phrase "RANMA, YOU JERK!"
roaring throughout the area brought me to yet another state of shock.
I came to rather quickly, but not quick enough to avoid a flying
red-haired girl who landed on top of me.
Now I have been introduced to the very center of it all: Ranma
Saotome.
But meeting him in his girl form was rather embarrassing for the both
of us. More so since I had inadvertently grabbed his chest [very
bosmy, I might add]. Ranma then said, "Um�could you please stop
groping me?" I got up and apologized. Ranma got up and looked around
the porch and went into the apartment. "Jeez, this place is a mess."
"This is a bachelor pad, so expect it to be messy. Oh, it's a
pleasure to meet you, Ranma." I was about to offer my hand, but I
bowed instead.
Looking very surprised, Ranma replied, "You know who I am?"
I gestured to him to come downstairs to show him the collection of
Ranma videos as well as my personal manga collection. To make a long
story short, Ranma was in shock.
"That is how I know about you, Ranma. You should have seen what
others have done on the web."
"Just what have they done?" queried a nervous Ranma.
"Oh, lots of things." I replied. "They set up special web pages,
calling them shrines, churches, or temples. What really disturbed me
was the Church of Ryouga�"
Ranma sat on the floor, holding her stomach, saying, "I'm going to be
ill."
I continued. "There was, also, the Shrine to Pantyhose Taro�"
Ranma laid down flat on the floor, saying, "I'm REALLY going to be ill."
"And then there was all the hentai pages�"
Ranma yelled, "SHUT UP! Don't go there, ok?"
I looked at him, and agreed, thinking about a certain perverted
martial artist who I did not need to see right now. Before I could
say anything else, Ranma's stomach grumbled.
"Ya got something to eat?" she asked.
"Sure. Just don't eat everything, ok?"
"Ok."
We then proceeded to eat some leftovers. Then I realized something
very important.
The electricity was still working.
So as Ranma chomped away at his food, I checked the house to see if
everything else was working.
Computers: check
Gas Stove: check
Gas Heat: check
[Thank GOD! I did NOT want to freeze to death right now.]
Water: check
Then I turned on the TV and the cable. I regretted my action when I
saw Q on the tube.
"Ah, there you are, Mr. Louis Francisco Perico. How is Nerima?"
Ranma looks at me and asks, "Friend of yours?"
"Nah. Just an extremely powerful supernatural entity known as Q." I
replied in a deadpan fashion. "Q, not that I don't mind leaving my
current conditions, but how in the HELL am I supposed to get to work?!?"
Q pouted. "Aww, poor baby. Got house, car, food, utilities, AND a
future girlfriend�"
Ranma quickly replied, "I am NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND!"
Q scornfully replied, "I wasn't referring to you, Ranma Saotome."
"Then who?" I asked.
"And ruin the surprise? Not a chance. Expect a mailman tomorrow. He
will have a letter and a box for you. Bye bye!"
The TV then flickers, then the screen shows a local channel. Then I
realized something else.
I turned to Ranma and asked, "Ranma, am I speaking English to you?"
She gave me a look between bites and said, "Are ya kidding? Your
Japanese is near perfect. Why?"
"I'm hearing you in English and your lips are coinciding with your
words."
Looking at me funny, she asks, "You sure you haven't taken anything
illegal?"
"Pretty sure." I said.
It was then that I heard another commotion outside. I went to the
window, saw a stampede of familiar people go by, and heard the
following shouts:
"HUSBAND! Where are you?"
"YOU JERK! Get back here!"
"RANNNMMMAAA! What did you do to Akane?"
"Villainous Cur! I shall smite thee and free my goddesses!"
"RANMA! Don't you DARE touch my Shampoo!"
I, of course, tried to accept this stream of verbiage; however,
another statement rang throughout the land of Nerima.
"YOU JACKASS! Where the hell are you?"
Very few people could miss her trademark insult.
"Ukyou." I whispered.
"Where?" asked Ranma.
"Somewhere nearby, I guess." I looked at Ranma and asked, "Do you
want to go get her?"
"Not really." She sadly replied.
"But she IS your friend, isn't she?"
"She wants to be my wife first. I'm just not ready to get married,
DAMMIT!"
I hold my hands up. "Take it easy! I'm not forcing anything on you."
"Sorry."
"It's ok, Ranma. I would like to meet her eventually."
"Why?" she asked distrustfully.
"Well, for one, she is cute."
"Yeah, and?"
"She has a wonderful personality, she's got beautifully long hair,
she's single, and I just want to get to know her better."
Ranma stares at me for a moment and then asks, "Then what?"
I respond "Well, if�and it is a very BIG IF�if I prove myself worthy
to her, you may have on less engagement to worry about."
Surprised and with wide eyes, she asks, "REALLY? HOW?"
"Simple. I get a ring and propose to her. IF she were to say yes�"
"Not gonna happen." Ranma interrupted in a deadpan tone.
"I did say that I would have to prove myself to her first."
"Oh. Yeah, you did."
Then I heard a thump emanate from the roof. I stepped back to the
porch, looked up, and I saw Ukyou n her usual cooking rainments,
holding her BFS 9000 spatula, and looking across the horizon. I
quietly stepped back into my apartment, and informed Ranma as to what
I've seen.
Ranma muttered, "Dammit. I don't need to se her now."
"Hide in the garage," I replied.
"Where?"
"Go left before the front door, then go straight."
"Ok." She rushes off.
Again I went back outside [Man, do I HATE cold weather.] and yelled
up, "HEY!"
Obviously, Ukyou was too focused on her prey, for she got startled and
almost fell, but I managed to catch her and pull her to safety.
After dusting herself off, Ukyo smiled and said, "Thanks for the
catch, sugar, but DON'T STARTLE ME AGAIN, OK?"
Bowing, I replied, "Sorry about that."
"It's ok. Just don't do it again."
"Sure. Oh, by the way, I'm Louis Perico. Sorry about the mess." I
bowed again.
She bowed in reply. "I'm Ukyou. Ukyou Kuonji. Your Japanese is
very---whataminit-this WAS an empty lot."
"Yes."
"And I'm pretty sure that I've never seen this place before."
"Right."
"So-who are you really? And why are you here?"
We scurried inside, and then I went to get my wallet in order to show
her my driver's license and tried to explain how I got here. When I
showed her my ID, she glimpsed at another picture: a photo-sized manga
picture of herself.
She pointed at said picture and asked, "Where did you get this?"
"Off the web," I replied.
Then, I proceeded to explain AND show in detail as to how I knew most
of the Nerima players.
In a state of shock, she plopped into one of the chairs, staring into
space, and muttered, "My God, my life has been nothing more than some
jackass's imagination?"
"Not necessarily. Can I get you something before I try to explain?"
"May I have some tea, please?" Her tone was almost pleading.
"Sure," I answered in a comforting tone.
But before I stepped into the kitchen, I heard a shocking sound.
"Meow."
It was shocking because it did NOT come from Eldrich [the cat in the
apartment], whom I totally forgot about. It was then that I
remembered something else.
Eldrich was in the garage.
With Ranma.
==
Thor Odinson
Grand Paladin and Patriarch of
The Church of Ukyou, located at:
http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/thechurchofukyou
Official Forger of the BFS-9000 Spatula
Author of "A Tale of Two Crowns" and "Ukyou's Gaijin"
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