Hi!

Reflections of a fallen angel

This is a nicely emotional piece, with some good insights... but then again, I've never seen any Tenchi (I've only read webpages and fanfics) so I can't be the best judge of that, now can I?  However, I can comment with a reasonable degree of accuracy on punctuation and spelling and suchlike, so I will. ^_^

    Awake and not screaming in terror/horror/greif

grief

/desperation/despair. 

I couldn't really make sense of this first line.  The rest of the paragraph was perfectly understandable, but I just wasn't sure what was going on at first.  She wakes up and has to prevent herself from screaming?  She usually screams when she wakes up, but she doesn't today?  The wording is more than a little ambiguous.  

Also, the terror/horror/etc. construct looks a bit ugly; if possible, I'd work the words into a proper sentence.

    It happens all to 

too

often, though I don't show it.  I'll wake up from a
nightmare in the night, paralyzed with terror and holding back screams with a
thousands 

thousand

year old reflex.   If I screamed, he would punish me more for not
being in control of myself, so I learned early on never to scream, no mater

matter

    If I were anyone else who'd heard of me, I'd probably be terrified of
that reflection, because that would be she'd be close to me  the Demon.   

that would mean she'd be close to me. The Demon.

    I've seen my own face smile as I cut down hundreds of men at a time on
dozens of worlds=85.and seen it on wanted posters across the face of the
known galaxy=85

I have no idea which character "=85" is supposed to be, but I'll assume it's an ellipsis.  I don't think you need those at all in this paragraph.  I'd replace the first one with a comma, and the second with a period.

A general comment about your use of ellipses: you have to follow them with a space.  They shouldn't be attached to the next word after them.  And they have to be three dots long  (not including any punctuation that follows them, that is); sometimes you use two.  

   And I'd live like a rat, bearly 

barely

You use this spelling two or three other times in your story; watch out for it.

   Washuu could probably help me remember, but I don't want to be poked
and prodded anymore, so I don't admit how much I'm missing.   Lets 

Let's

    I don't need to be thinking like that.   Look back at the mirror, then
lets 

let's

I used to think they'd probably kick me out if they knew how
afraid I really was.   Or lock me up to make me pay for my crimes.  Demon's
arn't 

Demons aren't

   Not that my Ryohki would let them lock me up.   We won't be sealed up
ever again; We've 

we've

   Azaka and Kamidrake called me brave.   "Not even a thousand knights could
match your spirit, Ryoko.", they said.

Ryoko," they said.

   I'm afraid of loosing 

losing

what I have here.   Family.   Even if it is with
Washuu, who I can't trust, 

I can never really remember when it's appropriate to use "who" and when it's appropriate to use "whom," but for some reason, my feverish brain insists that "whom" would be correct here.  If anyone out there knows better, please speak up...

and the princess who can't seem to find a
compassionate spark in her whole heart 

heart,

   I don't want to loose 

lose

Despite the occasional spelling and punctuation problem, you've done a good job here.  Keep it up!

Megan Jones                   bwerith@mac-addict.com
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Museum/4728/index.html
...era uoy ;sdrawckab t'nsi gis sihT


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