Hi! Here's a little c&c... 

Fushigi Yuugi: The Return of the White Tiger
By Wesley Bridges
Based upon the Fushigi Yuugi series and characters by Yu Watasei

Chapter 1: A Tiger Roams in Foriegn Lands
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Foreign

The National Library was quiet in the early evening. Akiya
Byasune, a young girl about 164 cm tall 

I don't think *this* much detail is really necessary.  Something like "tall," "short," or "of average height" would probably be more appropriate, and sound less technical.  

with flaming red hair
and green eyes, walked up the steps to the main entrance. She
worked at the library part time, and very few hours, only 6 a
week, but she enjoyed it, and often spent time there before and
after work to study. Akiya opened the doors and walked up to the
counter to sign in.

"Oh! Hello, Akiya," the librarian said as she approached "are

approached.  "Are

you working today?"

"Yes, Miss Shinami." Akiya replied signing her name in a book.

Shinami," Akiya replied, signing

Miss Shinami was the Byasune family's neighbor 

I'd put a comma here (but that's just me ^_^)

and had been close
to Akiya ever since her mother died when she was five years old.
She had always helped Akiya, and lent an ear when she

I'd recommend replacing this final "she" with "the girl," just to clear up any possible confusion.

needed some
motherly advice. Not being married, herself, Miss Shinami looked
out for Akiya from time to time, and even 

had even

told her about the job
at the library.

"Are you still studying for your exams?" Miss Shinami asked

asked.

"Yes,  but I only have a few more subjects I need to work on
before I'm ready to take them."

"Just don't overwork yourself. You wouldn't want to repeat what
happened when you were doing your last research project."

"Oh 

"Oh,

don't worry," Akiya said 

said,

a sweatdrop forming on her, 

This sounds a bit incomplete.  A sweatdrop forming on her *what*? 

"I
won't"

won't."

"Good," Miss Shinami said 

said,

gathering a bunch of books and folders.
"These need to get filed in the Important Documents Room. You
remember how to sort them?"

"Yes, I remember. I'll take them right now." Akiya said 

now," Akiya said,

taking
the materials and skipping off to file them.

The Important Documents room was full of the strange smell of
stale pages that had been sitting for a long time. To Akiya's
knowlege, few had entered this room since the day she started,

This, again, sounds incomplete. Since the day she started *what*?  You should probably write "since the day she started working at the library," 

yet something seemed different about it. As she filed the materials
away, she noticed a book on the floor.

*What's this doing on the floor?* Akiya thought

thought,

picking the book
up. *The Universe of the Four Gods? What's a book like this doing
here?*

Akiya was just about to put the book back on the shelf, when
curiosity got the better of her. She pulled the book back, opened
it, and began to read. Suddenly, the book emitted a blingind 

blinding

white
light. Akiya shileded 

shielded

her eyes with one hand, but to no avail. The
light seemed to envelop her as the book seemed to get larger before
her eyes. Akiya felt like she was falling for an eterninty, 

eternity,

then
all went black.

******************************************************

The streets of the capital city of Sairo, the western empire, were
busy. The sun was setting and the street vendors were packing up

I'd put a comma here...

ready to brave the surrounding desert and dry steppes that made
up Sairo. Though the arid and desolate climate of Sairo was hard
on many families that lived in the area, the Temple of Byakko
stood as a reminder to the people of their protector

protector,

and even
though times were tough, they always had somewhere they could turn
to for aid, if the seishi were able.

That sentence was awfully long; I'd break it up into two.

In a small room of the temple, a couple sat with a young child
upon a large stone table. 

All three of them were sitting on the table?  That's what it sounds like.

Soon a young girl entered the room
wearing a white and black dress with a white tiger over her stomach
area.

That sounded a little weird... how about, "with a white tiger emblem that covered her stomach," or something like that?

"Sorry for the wait," the girl said 

said, 

tieing 

I can't remember whether "tieing" or "tying" is correct... sorry!  I'd look it up, just to make sure, but the nearest dictionary is a half-hour subway ride away...

her long blue hair back.

"It is alright, Ekie-sama," The man said softly 

the man said softly.

"I only hope
you can help us."

Ekie looked at the child upon the table, her eyes quivering with
worry.

*He's so young* she thought, 

young,* she thought.

"H..how did he die?" she asked the
man

"He grew very sick. Our village doctor didn't have the medicine
to treat him..." the man replied

him...," the man replied.

Ekie untied a thin black ribbon that held the tiger to her dress,

"the tiger emblem"?  perhaps...

revealing a small portion of her stomach. She concentrated for
several minutes, then a character appeared where the tiger once
was. 

I think "in the area once covered by the tiger." would sound better...

A blue aura formed around Ekie, then a soft glow

then a soft glow appeared

around the
child. A blast of white energy emitted from the character, then
the glow and the character faded. Ekie retied the ribbon and the
room grew quiet.

"Daddy?" The child said after a few moments.

"Yes, I'm here" 

here,"

the man said happily.

The couple cried joyfully, and Ekie too tried 

Ekie, too, tried

to hold in her
joy.

"Thank you Ekie-seishi. How can we repay you?"

"That's not necessary," Ekie said, 

said.

"If anything... please call
me Eki."

"Thank you Eki-sama" the 

"Thank you, Eki-sama," the

man said as they left, child in hand.

How about: as the couple left, carrying their child.

*How am I ever going to get used to formality?* Eki asked herself

herself.

A deep grumbling came from Ekie's stomach.

*Aww.. I'm hungry, maybe 

hungry.  Maybe

if I slip away...*

"Ekie-sama?" a man asked coming in carrying a little girl.

a man asked as he came in, carrying a little girl.

"Yes?" Eki said freezing in position. 

said, freezing in place.

*Another child.* she

child,* she

thought. Eki's mind went through several rotations of food
and girl, but the girl won by a landslide, and she prepared
to bring happiness to another family.

Outside the Temple, at a small restaurant, a young man, perhaps
in his mid teens, sat at a table. He wore clothing resembling those
of ninja attire, 

clothing which ressembled ninja attire,

but all white. Across his back, two long thin
swords hung in their sheaths. A few minutes passed, and a man came
from the back room and approached him.

"May I take your order?" The man asked prepared 

asked, prepared

to write.

"You may as well start cooking it," the youth said opening a
menu, 

menu.

"I'll have this, then I'll need an order of.. all of these,"
he said 

said,

sweeping by six items or so, "one of this, this and this
one too."

The man's 

How about calling him "the waiter?"

eyes bulged nearly a foot out of his eye sockets 

out of his sockets

after
the order was completed.

"Don't worry," the youth said smiling slightly, "the rest of the
army will be here soon, and I assure you I have enough to cover
the costs"

costs."

Seemingly satisfied, the man finished writing and went back into
the room behind the dining area. About fifteen minutes later, the
door opened and Eki entered the restaurant.

"Kagatsu!" She said 

"Kagatsu!" she said,

spotting the young man in white.

"Good Evening." 

evening,"

he said standing up

he said, standing up.

"Why weren't you at the temple?" Eki asked

asked.

"You were late, so 

late, and

I figured you'd be hungry so I came here and
ordered. You knew where to find me 

me,

so what's the problem?" Kagatsu
answered.

"Oh. I thought you and Tatara may 

might

have had another fight."

"No." 

"No," 

Kagatsu said 

said,

lowering his head slightly

slightly.

"Why is it that you two fight so much?"

"My reason is to hard to explain. I don't know his reasons."

"Yes you do" 

do,"

Eki said 

said,

an unamused expression on her face, 

face.

"Falling
asleep whenever he talks about Byakko no Miko makes him think you
are dishonoring his memory of her."

"His stories hold no interest for me. Its 

It's

easier for me to listen
to them hearing them from you."

This is a bit awkward.  How about: "...when they come from you." or "...when you tell them."

"Huh?" Eki said 

said,

blushing slightly, but the next instant everything
was forgotten as her over-exaggerated super-deformed expression
signaled that food was coming. Eki said nothing more as all her
energies now 

were now

focused into devouring the plates of food before her.

*At least she doesn't stuff it all down at once. If she did, I'd
need to worry at every meal.* Kagatsu thought

meal,* Kagatsu thought.

After the meal, Kagatsu paid the bill 

bill,

then the two 

How about, "the two friends"

walked out
onto the streets of the city.

"Kagatsu..." 

"Kagatsu...,"

Eki said after a moment

moment.

"What is it?"

"Um... nevermind its not important."

Never mind; it's not important."

*Huh?* Kagatsu thought 

thought,

looking over to Eki. *Why does she look
so... sad?* "You sure?" he asked her.

"Yeah... Its 

It's

getting late. I'd better get going home."

"Alright."

"Good Night," She said suddenly much more cheerful.

night," she said, suddenly sounding much more cheerful.

"Good Night." Kagatsu replied.

"Good night," Kagatsu replied.

Eki ran down the darkening streets, turned waved,

turned and waved,

then rushed off.

*I wonder if she's ok...* 

okay...,*

Kagatsu thought 

thought,

heading home.

That night while he slept, Kagatsu had a strange dream. He was
walking in the mountain area on the borders of Konan and Sairo

Sairo,

when a white tiger bagan 

began

walking toward the pass. The tiger
walked leisurely 

leisurely,

not appearing to mean anything harm, 

mean any harm,

when a
net came from nowhere and entangled it. Not seeing anyone around,
Kagatsu freed the tiger 

tiger,

which jumped past him and scratched him
on the right shoulder. Instead of pain, which he expected to feel,
a strange gentle warmth eminated 

emanated

>from the scratch. The sensation

ended as did the dream 

dream,

as Kagatsu woke up in the middle of the
night.

That was well done!  He's a Byakko seishi, of course!

*That was an odd dream... but for some reason... it seems  more
than a dream* Kagatsu thought, 

dream,* Kagatsu thought.

*Why is it that I have this
strange urge to go to that place? Is something going to happen?
Why me?*

Ah!  He's the reincarnation of Garion!  ^_^

Left with only one option to answer his questions, Kagatsu packed
some things and without a word walked out into the night heading
southeast to the Konan Empire.

I'd split this up into two sentences.  "...packed some things.  Without a word, he walked out into the night, heading..."

*****************************************************

When Akiya's eyes opened, she saw  a pair of hands placing a
cool cloth over her head.

"Ah, you are awake." A man's voice said.

awake," a 

Akiya moved her head to see an elderly gentleman smiling kindly
at her.

"Who are you? Where am I? How.. how did I get here? " 

cut out the extra space before the quotes

Akiya asked
sitting up. Akiya became very light headed then slumped back down.

Akiya asked while sitting up.  She became very light headed, then

"Take it easy. I am Machi, a historian of sorts. I was traveling
back from Sairo when I saw you by the side of the road. You had
a pretty bad head injury. I brought you here, and have been taking
care of your injuries for the past four days." he replied

days," he replied.

"Four days?! Sairo?! I..."

*Sairo? I've never even heard of it! Where am I?* Akiya thought
then 

thought; then,

she remembered the passage she read, *for 

she'd read.  *For 

once the page is
turned, the story will become real...* 

I'd start a new paragraph here.

*Become real?* Akiya thought
again 

again.

*I'm... It can't be... I'm in the book?! How... is that
possible?*

"Sairo is the Empire west of here. You are in Konan now. Its ok,

It's okay;

just get some rest. Is there anything I can get you?"

As if on cue, Akiya's stomach grumbled and contorted.

"Ah, if it wouldn't be too much trouble..."

"Its 

"It's

perfectly alright. I haven't had a guest in some time now.
I'll prepare some dinner straight away. You stay here and get some
sleep. Perhaps once you're feeling better, you can tell me a bit
about yourself."

That paragraph was a bit choppy; some sentences should probably be combined together.

"Thank you." Akiya said

you," Akiya said.

"Its 

It's

my pleasure."

A few moments later, Akiya's disoriented body finally got used to
walking again. She found her way to the kitchen area, where Machi
was preparing to serve rice, fish and some other meats.

"Are you feeling better?" Machi asked.

"Yes, much, thank you." 

you," 

Akiya answered.

"Good, sit, sit and I'll get everything served right away."

Akiya sat, and Machi served the food and the two ate. 

This sentence is structured a bit weirdly.  How about: "Akiya sat, Machi served the food, and the two ate."

Akiya told
Machi as much as she thought he would listen to, which was much
more than she thought.

How about, "which turned out to be much more..."

"So, you have come here from another world." Machi said.

world," 

Akiya nodded slowly 

slowly,

not knowing exactly what to say or whether
Machi believed her or not.

"There is not much I can do for you, I'm afraid. Hotohori-sama,
the emperor of Konan, and Suzaku no Miko, they may be able to help."

"Suzaku no Miko?" Akiya asked 

asked,

curious.

"Yes, like you she is destined to be one from another world. She
seeks to gather the seven stars of Suzaku and summon Suzaku to
protect Konan."

"Where can I find them?"

"Tomorrow I will take you to the capital. There 

There,

you shall meet
both of them, and see if they can aid you."

"Thank you, 

you;

how can I repay you?"

"Think nothing of it."

************************************************

"Before Suzaku no Miko began her trip to find Tamahome," Keisuke
read from the book in his hands, "a girl about her age came to
the palace requesting an audience for 

That should probably be "from".  I think ^_^

her and Hotohori. They
agreed to the request once it was learned that this girl, too, was
not of their world. The girl gave Hotohori and Suzaku no Miko the
account of how she found herself at the home of the elderly man
Machi, who told her to request help from them. Hotohori told her
that Konan itself could offer little help as they needed to find
the rest of thier 

their

seven Seishi, but the Western Empire, Sairo,
might be able to grant her the assistance she needed. Suzako no
Miko requested that Hotohori send a small escort with her to see
her safely to Sairo, and the girl left on horseback 

horseback,

guarded by
four guards."

*******************************************************

In the mountains on the border of Konan and Sairo, Kagatsu hiked
the trails trying to find the spot he saw 

he'd seen

in his dream. He had
been looking for it for the past two days, and had never thought

How about: had never realized that the range was this big to begin with.

the range was that big to begin with. Crossing a high ridge,
Kagatsu looked down and finally saw what he was looking for, 

for:

a
branch off of the main road leading up the mountian pass. Coming
up the road, Kagatsu saw five horses and riders, 

How about: five people on horseback; four Konan guards, and one strangely dressed girl.

four Konan guards
and one strangely dressed girl.

*Konan Guards?* Kagatsu thought 

guards?* Kagatsu thought.

*What are they coming to Sairo
for? And who is that girl with them?*

Kagatsu followed the group's path up the mountains and saw a large
group of bandits, numbers 

numbering

in the twenties perhaps, hiding amongst
the rocks and thick underbrush on the Konan side of the mountains.
The bandits watched the group very closely, as if they were waiting
for them.

*Bandits!* Kagatsu thought 

thought.

*A lot of them too. They might need
some help*

help.*

No, I don't think the bandits need any help!  You should probably write, "The Konan guards might need some help.*"

Kagatsu began decending the mountian side 

mountainside,

keeping a close eye
on the guards and the girl. As they drew close to the bandits,
the girl's horse tripped 

tripped,

throwing the girl in front of it. 

How about: throwing the girl to the ground.

A net
then pulled up 

up,

leaving the girl hanging. The four guards rode over
to the net and surrounded it as the bandits jumped from the bushes

bushes.

"Well, well, well," the leader of the bandits said,

said.

"Looks like
we got ourselves a might 

mighty

fine catch, eh 

eh,

boys?"

The other bandits roared in approval

approval.

"But on the other hand, we have these big tough guards from Konan.
Are we going to let them take back our prize?"

"NO!" the others roared.

"Get her, men. If the guards get in your way, kill them!"

"I'm afraid I can't let that happen." Kagatsu said coming down
the pass.

happen," Kagatsu said, 

"And who are you?" the bandit leader sneered

sneered.

"I could tell you, but I don't feel like it."

"Big words that will cost you your life."

"We'll see about that."

It might just be me, but I think one if not both of these last two sentences should end with an exclamation mark.  

"You guys, come with me and get the girl." 

girl," 

the leader said

said,

pointing to a group of twelve or so, "the 

so.  "The

rest of you 

you,

teach our
uninvited guest a lesson."

Here, I'd certainly end with an exclamation mark.

Six of the bandits split off the 

off from the

main group and drew their swords
to fight Kagatsu.

"Six versus one?" Kagatsu said to his opponents.

"The boss felt generous of your abilities. You won't last long
against us." 

against us," 

one of the bandits jeered.

"Then what are you waiting for?"

The six bandits Kagatsu. 

Is it just me, or is there something missing from that sentence? ^_^

Kagatsu smiled a bit 

bit,

taking three throwing
stars out and tossing them into 

towards

the oncoming bandits. The first
one luckily dived into 

I'd use "slashed into" 

the throat of one bandit 

bandit.

killing him
instantly, 

I'd start a new sentence here.  Shorter sentences are better for action scenes.

the second dug into the leg of another causing him to
trip under the weakened leg. 

How about: The second star dug into the leg of another bandit, weakening it and causing him to trip.

The third grazed the arm of another
bandit, but did no major harm.

The four remaining 

remaining bandits

bore down on Kagatsu. Just as they were about
to attack, however, Kagatsu faded from existence.

Too many Kagatsu's... how about replacing the second one with "he" to make the sentence less repetitive?

"Huh?! Where'd he go?" One 

one

of the bandits asked.

"He's got to be here somewhere." 

somewhere,"

another answered.

Two arcs of light shone as they met the back of a bandit

bandit,

killing him. Kagatsu reappeared behind him, 

How about: behind the dead man,

and the others
bore down on him. Kagatsu parried the sword of the first with
one of his 

his,

and thrust his second into his unguarded chest.

Aah!  Too many "his"'s!  I'm getting confused!  

How about: and thrust his second sword into the man's unguarded chest.

"You need to learn to fight someone with two swords," Kagatsu
told the two bandits left standing, "but I'll leave you two. I'll
need some answers after I've delt 

dealt

with your buddies."

Kagatsu threw a small ball at the two bandits with

which

exploded with
some sort of gas. Both bandits fell to the ground.

"That ought to hold you there for a while." 

while,"

Kagatsu said as
he dashed off to the guards.

as he dashed off to help the guards.

****************************************************

The guards had the upper hand on horseback to the bandits on
foot. Three bandits already lay slain from 

lay, slain by

the guards' blades.
One guard charged his horse into the oncoming bandits, but one
of them stabbed the horse 

horse,

causing it to reel over crushing 

How about starting a new sentence: to reel over.  It crushed...

the
guard and the bandit in the process. The ringing of steel on
steel echoed throught 

throughout

the area as the three guards fended off the
bandits.

From behind, three stars embedded themselves in the bandits near

nearest to

the guards. Distracted by the unexpected attack, the bandits were
easily slain by the guards.

"What?" The bandit leader said looking from 

towards

the direction of the
stars.

the direction from which the stars had come.

"Remember me?" Kagatsu said

said.

"Looks like I underestimated you. Be warned 

warned;

it will not happen
again."

"We'll see" 

see," 

Kagatsu said as he entered the fray.

As the fight went on, several stars entered the field

field,

a couple
grazing Kagatsu.

IMHO, "entered" doesn't have the impact you need in this scene.  How about: several stars were thrown into the field, or several throwing stars were launched into the field.

"Hey. I'm on your side!" Kagatsu told the guards thinking they
attacked.

guards, thinking they had attacked him.

A rain of stars came from the bushes by the bandits. Several stars
hit one of the guards, catching him by surprise. Kagatsu swore
under his breath as four ninjas jumped from the brush. He took
out some stars and tossed them at the branch holding the net
with Akiya.

the net containing the girl.  

Up till now, you've been pretty much using Kagatsu's point of view, and he doesn't know her name yet.

"Ouch! That hurt!" Akiya said crashing down.

said, crashing to the ground.

"Take the girl and move on!" Kagatsu said 

You sure he didn't call out, or yell?

to the guards.

A guard went over and helped Akiya onto his horse.

"But.." Akiya protested

But...," Akiya protested.

"I'll catch up with you later. Go now!"

The guards rode off up the pass.

"You really think you can beat all of us?" The 

the

bandit leader
sneered.

"You have not bore witness to my full ability." Kagatsu said
softly 

ability," Kagatsu said softly.

"Now, you'll get that opportunity."

"Oh, will I?" The bandit leader asked sarcastically. "Just what
are you going to do to us, little man?"

"This..." Kagatsu said concentrating, his swords ready for attack

"This...," Kagatsu said, concentrating, his swords ready for attack.

"Hasukii Shiyan!"

***********************************************

From behind them, the guards and Akiya saw a flash of white light
followed by a blasting sound. The horses paniced

panicked

slightly, but
were soon calmed down. Several more simmilar flashes and sounds
followed in rapid succession.

"Go back!" Akiya told a guard

guard.

"But Hotohori-sama..." the guard protested

protested.

It sounds like he's calling *her* Hotohori-sama.  Maybe if you wrote: "But Hotohori-sama ordered..."

"If you don't go back there, I'll walk there myself!"

Seeing that this was going to head nowhere quickly, the guard
gave into 

gave in to

Akiya's request and they returned. When they returned

This is a little repetitive; you just used "returned" three words ago.  

from the mountain pass, Kagatsu was sitting on the ground bandaging
his shoulder, and 

his shoulder and

legs from some nasty cuts.

"Aren't you supposed to be a little father 

farther

away than this by
now?" Kagatsu asked

asked.

"I wasn't going to let someone I don't even know die for my sake"

sake," 

Akiya answered sharply 

sharply,

getting off the horse.

"I'm not dead, am I?"

"No, but you're bleeding pretty bad."

"I'll live."

"Why did you help me, even though we've never met..."

"Kagatsu."

"Huh?" Akiya asked 

asked,

confused.

"You seemed to be searching for a name. That's my name, Kagatsu"

name: Kagatsu."

"Oh... I'm Akiya."

"So, what brings you to Sairo, Akiya?"

Akiya gave a brief synopsis of the events bringing her on this
trip, and how Suzaku no Miko and Emperor Hotohori told her 

had told her

to
come here.

*Suzaku no Miko, eh? If Emperor Hotohori or Suzaku no Miko
couldn't help her, why think Byakko's Seishi could?* Kagatsu
thought 

thought.

*Perhaps... no... she couldn't... do they think she
could be... Byakko no Miko? She looks nothing like the paintings
in the temple... I guess there's only one way to find out...*

I'd cut out the last ellipsis.  You've already used an awful lot of them.

"Is there anything wrong?" Akiya asked.

"No, nothing's wrong. I know just where to go."

"Good! Here, let me help you up."

Akiya grabbed Kagatsu's hand and pulled him up.

"Ouch!" Kagatsu said wincing slightly and rubbing his right
shoulder.

"Sorry! I didn't mean to make it worse"

worse."

"You didn't. It's bandaged securely 

securely,

and I've put an herbal extract
on the bandages to help it heal, now 

heal.  Now

let's get moving before
anyone comes to check on these guys."

Kagatsu found a horse left by one of the guards,

guards.

Akiya was helped up
onto one of the guard's horse 

horses,

and the four traveled up the mountain
pass on the way to Sairo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

End Episode 1

A good beginning!  Interesting, and well-written except for the punctuation.  I'm eagerly awaiting Episode 2.

Megan Jones                   bwerith@mac-addict.com
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Museum/4728/index.html
"Minds are like parachutes.  They only function when
open."   -Sir James Dewar


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