Caroline Seawright <kunoichi@thekeep.org> wrote:

C&C from anyone else? Thanks to the two that did - your names are at the
bottom. ^_^

First suggestion: A title would be nice.... :)

Clasping his hand gently, she placed it to her cheek. Turning her head ever
so slightly, she brushed her sweet lips to his fingertips, trailing soft
kisses over his palm. Between kisses she whispered, "Ureshii...I love you."

Could she say "I'm so happy" or something like that instead? People who
don't know a lot of Japanese are gonna think that Ureshii is the guy's
name.

<N...naked under the kimono!> A gasp escaped his lips as he stared.

She looked up at him, her lips parted slightly. "Ryouga-sama..."

"I'm so sorry... some little old man has stolen all of my underwear!"

With a gasp, he held on to his nose, his eyes wide at the sight of the
beautiful woman before him. She was petite, but her figure was wonderful.
Her breasts were full, tipped with pink, hardened nipples. Her waist was
slender, widening out to her hips... down to long, sexy legs. She was only
clad in her tabi socks.

He almost fainted. But suddenly, without warning, the blood was rushing
somewhere else.

<No!! Not there, that's my gall bladder!> (Even his blood has no sense
of direction....)

But he'd given up on Akane a long time ago, at their first attempted
marriage. Ranma would look after her, he'd care for her. If he didn't...
well, Ryouga would see to it that he'd learn never to neglect Akane again.

The two walked on together, Ryouga leading.

*****

The pair sat on a bench in the middle of an amusement park. Ryouga had given
up on trying to decipher a map a week ago. His companion wasn't sure if she
wanted to go home, so she allowed him to continue leading.

"Had given up on" is used repetitively here... maybe you can rephrase
one of these.

Sitting at a table, they laughed softly as they talked. She would look up and
smile at Ryouga every so often, her eyes filled with smiles.

The repetition of "smile" reads a little awkward here.

In the middle of the Japanese country side, Ryouga had pitched his tent.

"Countryside" should be one word, I think...

A small camp fire blazed, sparks shooting up into the clear night sky,
disappearing against the back drop of stars in the heavens.

...and the same with "backdrop."

Moving again, Ryouga held tightly to the pillows by her head. Both mesmerised
by the other, entranced at the love and pleasure they gave each other, they
danced their own, private dance together until their pleasure reached 
breaking point.

Looks like there's a 'the' missing there. (Resisting the urge to make a
bakusai tenketsu joke here....)

The woman's long hair trailed over the pillow... two pink locks showing up 
against her sweat-darkened hair. Small, downy feathers scattered over the
bed, through her hair from the pillow at Ryouga's hands.

Pink?

"But this time, let's do it piggy-style!" said Hibiki Akari.

Ryouga face-faulted.

"D'Oh! I thought I was married to Ukyo in this one!" :-) Seriously, it's
not much of a surprise ending.

Anyway, it's a nice, WAFFy tale. I don't know much about lemons, but I
know what I like (heh heh) and the lemon bits here seemed very well
done. There wasn't much conflict, but I found myself engaged by the
story nevertheless. Still, you might want to add some sort of internal
conflict on Ryoga's part. Maybe he's worried that Akari'll be
disappointed by his performance or something.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics