% Elsa wrote:

Well, I said I was gonna post a fic.

% And you made good on your threat.



The Women They Love:

Beryl

by

Elsa Bibat

-------------------------------------



[Silver Millenium, A Long Time Ago]

The beauty of the ballroom was breathtaking. The polished
marble floors, the beautiful golden arches and the paintings
on the ceiling enhanced the grandeur of the place. But if
the place alone was beautiful, the people who filled it were
more so.

% Ah, but we know it shall not last.
Nice intro BTW.

Handsome men in dress uniforms, complete in their full regalia
and

% Hmm. comma after 'regalia,' I think.

 beautiful women in their stunning evening gowns danced
upon the shiny marble floors to the music of one of the best
musical troupes in the Kingdom of Erewhon, the most powerful
kingdom on Earth. They glided gracefully upon the dance floor,
each pair of dancers as equally magnificent as the others.

However, one particular pair was a cut above the rest. The other
dancers had noticed this and they stopped to admire the pair. The
man was tall and clean-shaven, black hair delicately combed. He
wore a gray dress uniform, tunic and pants; the only signs of
decoration were the roses embroidered into his collar, the epaulets
shaped in the form of roses and a ceremonial sword at his side
with a rose at the cross-hilt. He was a bit lanky, but with his pose
and self-confident smile he managed to look like a gallant knight.
The woman in her own way looked

% Hmm. I think I'd offset that part with commas

The woman, in her own way, looked

% but this might be just me. Nice detailed description of the male lead in
this.

 like the princess which he served.
Her hourglass figure was enhanced by the form-fitting purple evening
gown. Her flaming red hair that reached the small of her back was
kept in check by an ebony tiara. Her emerald eyes looked back at
her partner with a mixed look of annoyance and affection.

% A difficult look to master, but one which women seem to employ at will.
^_^

 A smile
was on her ruby-red lips, though it was a lot more

% 'a lot more' feels out of place there for some reason. 'far more' sounds
better to me.

 subdued than her
partner's. They danced through the intricate steps of the dance,

% again the 'danced...dance' feels a bit redundent. I think I'd use
'moved' for the first one. Again, this could be just me.

 both
of them moving in clockwork motion, with a lot more

% A second 'a lot more' fairly close to the first. Should at least change
one of them probably.

added finesse.

As the piece ended, the two bowed at the applause they received
from their audience. They moved away as the band struck up another
tune. The man took two crystal glasses of wine from a passing servant
as the pair moved to entrance to the balcony to get some air and rest
a bit after their recent dance.

"Here, Milady, a glass of wine for your parched throat."

"Thank you, Milord," she said as she accepted the glass, taking a sip.

"You know I hate it when you call me that," he said, a touch of annoyance
in his voice.

"You call me Milady, I call you Milord," she said, her smile widening a
bit.

"Okay, Beryl. You win again."

% Heh. Nice to see she had a sense of humor at one time.


"My dear Attis, you should know by now that I always win,"

% Famous last words, along with, 'This ship is unsinkable' and 'I know he
said to cut the red wire.'

 she replied, a
triumphant grin breaking out on her face. Attis laughed softly, took a sip
of
his wine and looked down at the palace grounds. The full moon was
reflected
from the waters of the fountain. The trees and shrubbery that lined the
walkways around the large pool formed by it were dark; very fortunate for
some of the more enthusiastic couples, he thought. A slight grin was on
his face as he saw a giggling couple duck into the darkness.

"It's a beautiful night, isn't it?" he asked Beryl as he looked to her,
setting
his wine glass aside and resting his hands on the railing. The moonlight
brought
out the highlights in her hair and her face framed by her red tresses was

% again I think i'd put commas around

...face, framed by her red tresses, was...

extraordinarily beautiful.

"Yes, Attis. It's very beautiful. It fits the event."

% Hmm. Three 'beautiful's close together. I'd change the middle one to
something like. '...extraordinarily breathtaking.' or somesuch.

Attis favored her with a sideward glance.

"Beryl, I know you didn't come to socialize. You're here because of
Endymion, correct ?" he said as he set the glass away and put both his
hands on the balcony railing.

"And what if I was ? Is there any problem in that ?"

"No. But the last time I looked there was a really big ten-year gap
between
18 and 28.'

% Beryl: That just means I'm experienced. Men like that in women.


Beryl's eyes roved over the palace grounds, ignoring her companion's
statement.

"Come on, Beryl. This obsession with my nephew can't be good for you.

% You don't know how right you are.

 It's
unhealthy. Listen to a friend's advice. We've been friends for what,
twenty
or so years now ?'

Beryl responded with an arched eyebrow and a withering glance.

"Okay, Okay, I didn't exactly act civil when we first met. By the Seven, I
was six years old !

% Hmm. Seven by six. He was 42?
% I think I'd change the exclamation to something that didn't involve a
number, since it is already so close to one. Again, just my opinion.


It was perfectly normal me to douse you with a bucket of
water."

% And how was I to know it was from some damned magical spring in China?
Besides, I thought you looked cute as a bunny.

Beryl remained silent as she looked to the palace grounds.

"I still don't know why you're fixated on Endymion. Hellfire, you can have
your pick of the nobles with your beauty alone."

"You've always been good at laying on the flattery, Attis."

% Attis: And just how else am I supposed to pick up the chicks? With my
looks? Please!

"I'm not kidding. You've got power. You've got beauty. You've got -"

% ...huge tracts of land. ^_^


"A question, Attis. How many of the nobles would love me for who I am?"

"Uhm...ah...uhm."

% ...two? Three?
%Actually, I have a feeling that there is one, and he's closer than she
thinks.


A short,bitter laugh came from Beryl's lips. "We both know that everyone
who
courts me, courts me because I'm heir to the second most powerful kingdom
on
Earth. If I were just a minor noble I wouldn't be receiving that many
suitors.
My reputation would make sure of that."

"Well, you _are_ a bit short-tempered. And I still believe that kneeing
the
Crown Prince of Lemuria in the groin when you didn't think highly of his
advances didn't help any. Though I still think he's a total bastard."

They shared a light laugh. Beryl became serious as she looked out again at
the
palace grounds." And that is why I love your nephew, Attis. He is unlike
your
ordinary young prince. He respects people for what they are. I've seen him
treat
servants with respect. Even the lowliest peasants, if he thinks that they
deserve
it. He is lot like you in that respect.

% Methinks that Attis is almost exactly like that, save that he actually
cares for Beryl


 All the others are snobbish brats who
couldn't care less. That is my reason. I intend to have him as my husband.
You
don't have anything to say that can change that." Attis looked at her
thoughtfully
and sighed.

% I'd place 'Attis...' at the start of the next paragraph.

"What if I said that I was proposing marriage to you?" He said as he
looked away
from her. Beryl's eyes widened as she looked to her old friend."You're
joking, right?"

% Ah, poor Beryl. A man would not joke at a time like that.

Attis was silent.

"If you...if you asked...if you proposed, then I would say no." Beryl
stuttered out
her answer.

% Well, at least she didn't lead him on.

Attis kept his mouth shut and contemplated the moon upon the placid
waters of the fountain. The music from the ballroom behind them was the
only sound
they could hear as the pair was silent. "I can't marry you, Attis. I never
thought
of you that way.

% Ah, and so much could have been changed had you looked past that
narrow-minded sight.  And thus, a kingdom falls.


 You were like the brother I never had. I could never -" Beryl's
soliloquy was interrupted by the trumpeting fanfare from inside. Prince
Endymion had
arrived.

"Excuse me, Knight of Roses. I must present myself before the Crown
Prince." Beryl
bowed before she reentered the ballroom.

Attis was silent for awhile as he still looked into the palace grounds.
The marble
cracked slightly from his clenched hands. He smiled ruefully as he brought
out a
small black box and opened it. A exquisitely detailed ring topped by a
fire opal,
a girasol, looked back at him. It glittered in the moonlight as it shifted
from
azure to lavender and crimson, shifting its hues constantly as all
girasols are
known to do.

"What is it about me and women," he said softly, as he looked from ring to
the full
moon, "that always has me ending up on the floor, cleaning up the thousand
pieces of
my broken heart ?"

% Bad karma that will get worse before it gets any better.


******************

Attis was limping as he walked, fighting youma all the way, through the
flaming ruins
of the palace. The last youma he had fought had been pretty tough and had
managed to
wound him badly before he dispatched it. The sounds of battle, the screams
of the
dying and the clang of swords mingling with the crackle of the fires,
surrounded him.
As he sliced another youma with his sword, he saw who he was looking for.
He felt his
blood running down the side of his face as he called out.

"Endymion!" Attis shouted across the din at his nephew as he saw him
running in his
direction.

"Uncle! You'd best go now. Beryl's coming, and-"

"Hush, nephew. I know she's coming. That's why I have to give you this."

% this,

 Attis said as
he pulled a crystal from his pocket. "It's a teleport crystal. Find a
teleport pad.
Use it to reach the Moon Kingdom. Ask for their help. Now, go! I'll try to
hold her off."

"But-"

"No 'but's! Get out of here!"

Endymion hesitated a moment. Then he looked grimly

% I'd combine that to.

'...moment, then looked grimly...

at his uncle and started to run.

"Wait!"

Endymion stopped to look at his uncle, who still managed to look

% Two 'look's close together. I'd change the second to 'appear'

regal with all the grime
and blood over his gray uniform. He saw his uncle close his eyes and saw
his

% I'd drop the second 'saw'

 gloved hand
glow red. A red rose materialized out of thin air in his hand. He managed
to smile as he
saw Endymion catch the thrown rose.

"Give it to your fianc�e. I know how much she loves them."

Endymion returned Attis' smile with his own, as he gave his uncle a simple
salute and ran
away in search for a teleport pad.

*******************

"Hello, Beryl."

"Hello, Attis."

"Come to pay your final respects?" Attis' rasping voice reached where
Beryl stood. Attis was
propped up to a remaining wall of the palace. Her four generals, the
former Guardians, were
behind her.

"Where is Endymion, Attis?" Attis

% Again I'd seperate the second 'Attis' into the next paragraph.

 looked at Beryl, not with a look of contempt, but pity. "I
think you know where."

He saw Beryl's face contort in anger and she started to turn around.

"You know, Beryl...you still look cute when you're angry."

%Beryl slammed a wooden mallet into Attis's head, shouting 'Attis no
baka!"

Attis saw Beryl stiffen and slowly
look down at him, surprise etched on her face. "No, Beryl. I don't hate
you. You might be
thinking that, but I'm not. Even though you've destroyed my kingdom,
slaughtered thousands of
innocents...I don't hate you." Attis coughed, blood flecking his lips.
Everything was going dim,
but he noticed his old friend was looking at him and was standing a bit
nearer than before.

"That probably makes me crazy. But how can I hate the only woman I ever
loved?"

Attis managed a wiry

% 'wiry' or 'wry'?

smile as he pulled out a small box from his pocket and opened it,
revealing
a beautiful girasol.

% Oh romantic, he kept it even after all that time.

"I'll always love you no matter what."

His eyes closing for the last time, Attis saw a single teardrop fall from
her eyes.

And then blackness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


% Exquisite work, Elsa. A little tale where love didn't conquer all. In
spite of the short size of the tale, you managed to express the emotions
nicely and focused only on what needed to be shown. Look forward to seeing
the next one

D.B. Sommer