Grayson Towler <grayson@rigroup.net> wrote:

To: "'Gary Kleppe'" <kleppe@execpc.com>, "ffml@fanfic.com" <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject: RE: [FFML] [Ranma][fanfic][Revised] Hearts and Minds Prelude 10: Saotome Ranma -- Lili's Child
From: Grayson Towler <grayson@rigroup.net>
Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 10:05:28 -0700

	Ranma grinned. It was every Daddy's dream for Junior to want to

Capitalization of "Daddy?"  It's referring to a position, not being used directly
by someone... I don't know.  That one's always up in the air.

I think you're right, it shouldn't be capitalized here.

	Ranma always loved playing with his kids. They were so free; so
full of life -- life that had begun as part of his, but had grown into
something unique and wonderful, with unlimited possibilities ahead of
them. They could become martial artists and save the world; or maybe
they'd become scientists and figure out what causes cancer, or just grow
up to be really nice people.

What a balanced perspective from someone who was raised without any
options about what he was going to do with his life.  It would be interesting
to see some of Ranma's growth towards this level of maturity... but this
prelude is long enough already.  

What might be worth including, though, is some scene in which we see
how Ranma interacts with Genma as a grandfather.  I have no doubt that
Genma would be rather liberal with his advice and attempt to pressure
Ranma (and perhaps even the kids directly) with the classic "carry on
with the school" mentality.  How does Ranma handle that?  Or does he
just let Akane bash the old fool over the head and throw him into the
pond? (Of course, she might have the same problem with HER father...)

That's a great idea... not sure where or if I can fit it in, though. But
I'll definitely think about it.

	Daisuke laughed. "Yeah. I've also got a wife who wants to have
at least two more kids. I'm gonna have to work sixty hours a week to pay
all the bills."

Are there laws in Japan to discourage having too many kids?  I know there
are in China, but maybe I'm getting mixed up.

No laws that I know of, though the expense is certainly a deterrent
already.

"It's like the guy in this American TV show that I saw. He goes
around looking for people in trouble. He says, 'I am...' whatever the
heck his name was -- I don't remember, 'I am here to help your village.'
Then he kicks the bad guy's butts. It was pretty cool. That's what I
wanna do."

My guess is that there would be some Japanese movies or shows with
that kind of theme as well, but I wouldn't know what they were.  

Probably, but I don't know what they are either, and this one's familiar
to my reader base. :)

Aya, with her heart-shaped face and petite frame, always wearing her
apron as if welded to it, made Kasumi seem like a biker chick. It wasn't
surprising to hear Daisuke say that Aya seemed to think of sex only
as a way to procreate the species.

And maybe Daisuke is just a lousy lay.

Daisuke: HEY! Who does this guy think he is, saying something like
this!?

Hiroshi: Yeah! I mean, what's the point in belaboring the obvious?

Gary: Guys....

	Finally, he found Akane. That was the most intense part of the
dream. She dragged him down into the grass, and they fucked. He felt a
huge wet sticky stain in his boxers; it told him just how intense that
part of the dream had been. He needed a change of underwear soon.

Don't know how lemony you want to get, but if that was the most intense
part of the dream, you could probably do with a couple more lines of 
description.  Maybe something about how vivid the experience was - not
just sight but sound, smell, feel... that sort of thing.   

Okay... I don't want this to be an actual lemon, but I could probably
add a little more.

	Only it wasn't really Akane. He looked up just before climaxing,
and her head was hidden in shadow. It was... who? He struggled to bring
the image into focus in his memory, but couldn't.

"C-ko?  Oh no..."

No, it's her Canadian friend, Eh-ko....

	Sure, he could tell Shikima where to stick his card. Then maybe
Shikima would gas him into unconsciousness, and carry him off to
who-knows-where to do who-knows-what with him. Not likely, of course,
but considering the kind of people he seemed to meet all the time, it
wasn't out of the question either.

	He took the card and slipped it into his pocket and nodded,
vaguely managing a polite smile.

This is a sort of softening of the "spit in the face of death" personality that
I tend to ascribe to Ranma.  It could be just another instance of Ranma
growing up, but I find it a little unsettling to see him ruled by his fears in
this way.  Not that I think it's a bad bit of writing - in fact, I think it's excellent.
It was just jarring... in the way it's always jarring when you realize things
have changed that you thought would always be the same.

Thanks... of course, this was Ranma's reaction to the dream that he'd
had the night before, and it doesn't mean he won't bounce back later to
some degree.

	Akane turned over in her sleep, her long hair swinging behind
her head. Her hair had grown to a little past shoulder length. During
the time she was pregnant with Hikaru, she had been too preoccupied to
bother with getting it cut, and afterwards she decided to leave it long
just for a change. 

This is the opposite of what I've heard from most women who have kids -
they end up cutting their hair short.  Just an observation... but Akane is
pretty unconventional anyway.

Yeah, she is... and I thought that with seven years going by, at least
some of the characters would change their appearance.

	Ranma let out a contented breath of air. It was good to be home.
Lying next to Akane's warmth made him feel safe, secure, protected. The
cats wouldn't be able to get them as long as they were together.

A sweet moment.  Love makes you more aware of your own vulnerability.
Sometimes you work with a sledgehammer, Gary, but sometimes you use
a much lighter brush.

Heh. Just trying to keep people guessing....

violence, they were still a long way from speaking to each other in yes
dears and I love you darlings. They still did most of the same things --

Maybe the "yes dears" and "I love you darlings" should be in quotes.

Not sure... I tend to dislike using quotes except for spoken dialog.

	He drew the shower curtain shut and turned the water on. He
braced himself in a combat stance for the jet of icy cold water that
came out first. The hot water always kicked in after a few seconds.

Another sign that Ranma is still a few bricks shy of a full load in some
ways.  I always wait for the shower to warm up BEFORE I get in.  Of
course, he might be purifying himself in the Buddhist tradition...

Nah, doing that just never occurred to him.

Suddenly, Kasumi's eyes flew open. "Ranma! Congratulations!"

I agree with whoever said that a little more surprise might be in order
for Kasumi here.  I'm picturing the scene where she first sees Akane's
hair cut and launches the dinner she's cooking across the kitchen.
We don't get to see much of that in Kasumi, but I think this would be
an appropriate time for that kind of extreme reaction.

Good point; I'll see what I can do here.

	Kasumi answered dryly, "You can have a baby."

An alternative to this might be that Kasumi merrily starts into a 
checklist of things they need to do as an expecting mother.  
Maternity clothes, visits to the doctor, that sort of thing.  Ranma
would be defeated by the cheerful practicality of this approach.
Just a thought.  Not quite as pithy as the way you've got it, but
maybe a little more Kasumi-esque.  

Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

	"A night emission," the old woman said. "What you would call a
wet dream; with a rain shower at the climax. A wet dream, figuratively
and literally."

	"Oh, *come on!*" Ranma rolled his eyes. "What the heck are the
odds of the rain coming down just at the right minute?"

Akane looked mortified.  She remembered telling Ranma to "go fuck
himself" when he told her he was going without her.  And now, her words
had come back to haunt her in the most unexpected fashion...

"I didn't mean it literally, you idiot!"   ** BAM! **

	"Um..." Thoughts of his body being ripped apart from the inside
ran through Ranma's brain. "And this is supposed to help? Thanks a lot."

Has Ranma seen "Alien," perhaps?

No, but he's read "Lost"... :)

	"That's good to know, Doc." Ranma said as he quickly pulled up
his pants. "That 'fortune teller' is my sister-in-law, by the way. If
she says someone's gonna have a baby, it's true." 

	"If you say so." The doctor smiled in a way that to Ranma seemed
patronizing. "Personally, I can't really accept that sort of thing as
true until I see some scientific evidence for it. Besides, it's not
really consistent with my beliefs as a Christian. But that's just me.

"Yeah?  Well, if you wanna make fun of my sister-in-law, I'll just bounce 
you off these nice white walls of yours a few times, Dr. Disciple.  Whaddya
think of that, smart guy?"

	"Very good. Recreational drug use is irresponsible under any
circumstances." He took a few sips from his coffee mug. 

A little irony about caffine, then?

Yeah... not about the stuff itself, but people who take one drug
regularly and then crusade against others.

	"Sorry. We medical types tend to use a lot of jargon. I mean
cats. For the next nine months, I want you to try to keep away from
cats."

	"Okay, Doc." Ranma grinned. "If you really think it's important,
I guess I can manage that."

I don't know if you intended this, but Ranma's doctor comes across as
a staggering prick.  What happened to Tofu?  I suppose this isn't really
his field, but still...

As we found out in the previous chapter, Tofu left Nerima during the
manga to "further his studies"-- actually to try to cure his Kasumi
problem. As for the doc here, yeah, he's a schmuck.... Normally in a
scene like this, the doctor would be nothing more than a conduit of
information. This is my attempt to make him into something more than a
dispenser of plot points.

	He only hoped she wouldn't want to do it girl-girl all the time

>from then on.

And he probably hoped that HE wouldn't want to either...

	"Well, he ain't here, so tough luck. Nice talkin' to ya,
Pantyhose, but I'm sure you've gotta run."

Ugghh!  Oooh!  

	"Darn that Pantyhose!" Ranma said. "Who does he think he is,
coming in here and...."

Arrgh!

	"Look, you moron!" Ranma said. "It's simple! Just TAKE A
DIFFERENT NAME!"

"It's not that big of a stretch, is it?"
AAAHH!  Now I'm doing it!

	"Just take a different name?" Pantyhose turned around. "What do
you think I am, STUPID?"

"You dare make fun of my sheer brilliance?"
Make it stop!  Make it stop!

Heh. The fun's contagious!

that were as close to unisex as possible. He also reluctantly started
wearing a bra, after noticing how much his tits had expanded.

"This is even worse than when I started doing OVA series..."

	He opened his coat and took off his shirt. From where he had
struck the ground, there was a hole in his abdomen, a rip in his body
that a pink and white puss was pouring from like water out of a faucet.
His abdomen, his big, pregnant belly, was shrinking, collapsing like a
punctured tire.

"Pus" has one "s."  And I compliment you on a really gross and
disturbing scene here.

Thank you! Will correct the spelling, though it's possible that Ranma
was just thinking of Neko-Shampoo... :-)

	"What's wrong?" Akane asked.

	"I dunno. Some water or something just came out of my body. I'll
never figure out all this pregnancy stuff." The two women stared at him
with odd expressions, as if there were something very basic and obvious
that he wasn't understanding.

	"Ranma, your water has just broken," Nodoka said.

	"Well, what the heck does that mean?"

This seems a peculiar gap in Ranma's understanding of pregnancy, especially
since Akane has already had a child.

Yeah, but Ranma wasn't paying all that much attention at the time to
what he thought of as girl stuff. Also, he's gotten somewhat
absent-minded lately.

one every five minutes. They felt like gas pains, only a hundred times
worse. The only thing he could really compare it to was eating Akane's
cooking, back in the old days when she didn't know the difference
between soy sauce and tabasco

I always thought that the time he got REALLY sick from eating Akane's
cooking had a lot to do with the way he ate a huge mess of photographs
the same day.  Silver nitrite is not exactly easy on the stomach.  Anyway.

Could be. Never thought of that.

	"Hmm, I dunno." The idea of being a man again was appealing, but
he didn't feel desperate for it. "It'd probably be good to stay a woman
for a month or so. Y'know, 'til my body gets back to normal."

And for breast feeding, I suppose.  What happens if you change back
when you're lactating?  Probably nothing special.

Good question. It might lead to udder catastrophe!

	Thus endeth the HaM Preludes -- for the second time through. I
had hoped to finish the revisions long before now, but real life kept me
busy. Hopefully, the near future will leave me with more writing time.
The main HaM series -- part 1 of which is already in the hands of
pre-readers -- will begin appearing on FFML very soon. Stay tuned.

	If you've made it this far, I'd really like to hear what you
thought of this series and this chapter in particular. You don't need
any great literary insights or amusing MST format -- though I certainly
appreciate those things, too. Please send feedback to
<kleppe@execpc.com> or (preferably) <ffml@fanfic.com>.


                     THE END... OF THE BEGINNING

This has got to be the longest prelude in fanfiction history.  Did you ever
see the Calvin and Hobbes where Calvin decides to build the world's
largest snowman?  He and Hobbes get going and make a big snowball
about twice as tall as Calvin is, and then sit back to rest.  "That's just
one of his toes," Calvin explains.  "Hearts and Minds," with its vast
prelude, reminded me of that.

Heh. When I started planning this series, two years ago, I had some
vague notion that I'd have to get Ranma and Akane married, Kasumi
trained, Cologne passed away, and a few other points. Then I read the
"Reunions" series by Erin Mills and company (which, sadly, seems to have
been abandoned) and thought that doing something like that might be a
change from the standard "continuation" fic. "Could I come up with
enough stories for ten of these?" I asked myself, and you've read the
answers.

Anyway, Gary, another very worthy chapter.  I think I like your subtle
indications of the characters' growth and maturity more than anything
else in the whole series.  You manage to portray the individuals going
through important life changes without falling back on scenes of 
expository angst.  I think that's a very worthy achievement... and that
the prelude would stand alone as a good series all its own, even if it
wasn't leading up to something.

Thanks... I've tried to keep the changes in the characters fairly
limited. Most of them have grown from their experiences, but they're
still essentially the same people.

I'm very curious to see how this is all going to play into the threat to
the Amazon village. You've spent an extraordinary amount of time and
energy showing us how the characters have grown up, learned to deal
with real life (except Kodachi), and generally moved beyond the impulsive
fist-happy teenagers they once were.  Now, they're thrust into a situation
which would seem to be more fitting to the people they were before, rather
than the people they have become.  I'm looking forward to seeing how you
play this out.

That's an interesting way of looking at it. Of course, old habits die
hard, and for many of our heroes the challenge will be to hold on to
what they've learned and not revert back under pressure.

Good luck in finding time to write.  I certainly haven't.

Too bad; hope you do soon. I'm looking forward to reading more of
"Relentless." Anyway, thanks very much for the commentary and
suggestions!

Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net

http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless

Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics