Ronny Hedin <thark@hem2.passagen.se> wrote:

"I won't use the obvious quote here, and neither should you."
	- Anonymous

Which *is* the obvious quote, then? ^_^

If I had to tell you, it wouldn't be obvious! :-)

	Ranma always loved playing with his kids. They were so free; so
full of life -- life that had begun as part of his, but had grown into
something unique and wonderful, with unlimited possibilities ahead of
them. They could become martial artists and save the world; or maybe

"ahead of them" ... but it's "life" (it) which was growing in the
previous part of the sentence. Maybe it's just me, but it sounds
a bit disjointed - "the life had unlimited possibilites ahead of them"

Good point... I'll see about re-working the phrasing here.

	He wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to endure what he had
had to go through. Still he knew that if he could go back in time and
redo his life, knowing what would happen, he'd gladly do the same thing

Still, he 

Yeah.

	Ranma looked around idly as his two exhausted friends sprawled
themselves out on the jumbled rocks. It was truly a breathtaking view,

What, his exhausted friends were a breathtaking view? ^_^

These guys? No way! :) I'll re-word this one.

	If he'd come with Akane instead of Hiroshi and Daisuke, the two
of them could've gone up and down both peaks of the Ookinachichi much
more quickly. They could have taken turns carrying Hikaru. But she had a
class project due right after break. Besides, they'd been getting on
each other's nerves a lot lately; a little time apart seemed like a good

break, and besides, they'd

Dunno about this one. Your way is more technically correct, but I think
mine sounds better, especially since it's Ranma's POV and he's an
informal guy.

	Sex with Akane was quite a workout. Not many other couples
could've been married three years and already worn out two futons. Quite

Maybe I'm mistaken, but I just can't get that to agree with me.
"and already have worn out"

Will think about this one.

Maybe it's because it's still giving me the wrong assocations,
but... AFAIK, "Shikima" is a surname; it feels like it's used more
like a given name here.

Maybe it's a pseudonym; who knows? :) Actually, it's an in-joke; I
rather doubt anybody would actually have this for either name. If
someone does, I feel sorry for 'em.

darkness, ready to pounce on him anytime they wanted.

IMO, "whenever they wanted".

Again, these are stylistic things; Ranma's POV narration is supposed to
read a bit informal.

	Akane turned over in her sleep, her long hair swinging behind
her head. Her hair had grown to a little past shoulder length. During
the time she was pregnant with Hikaru, she had been too preoccupied to
bother with getting it cut, and afterwards she decided to leave it long
just for a change. Lucky for her, he mused, Ikasama's administrators
didn't include a certain loony Principal.

With that name, I'd worry about other things than getting my hair cut. ^_^

	"Being dead's really inconsiderate, Ranma." Akane, already clean
and dressed, tugged at his arm. "Come on, get up!"

A reference to "Ranma's Dead", eh? (or whatever the title was)

"Ranma is Dead," yeah. (PLUG!)

	Suddenly, Kasumi's eyes flew open. "Ranma! Congratulations!"

Reallly, it *is* Kasumi, but still... would she really say
"congratulations" without *any* shock/whatever?

Hmmm... maybe not. I'll think about changing this.

	The memory of the dream he had had during the camping trip
returned abruptly. For the first time, he could see in his mind the face
of the woman he had sex with in the dream. It was a face that he had
seen many times before, in the mirror.

This is where the confused anime-only-type-fans step in and say
"hey? wouldn't the red hair be an obvious clue?" ^_^

That would be where I list all the instances in the anime where it
should've been one and wasn't.... :)

	Kasumi answered dryly, "You can have a baby."

The other way around, IMO. (baby," Kasumi)

	"Um...." Some remark about putting hotels together to make baby
hotels occurred to him, but he decided to keep quiet.

Huh?

"Inn-breeding."

I always saw a long-haired Akane as Kasumi-wannabe (if failing
horribly) and short-haired as more independent/modern/rebellic/whatever;
these are the values I would generally (at least in asian girls)
stereotype to the hairstyles.

But that's another case of "it's just me", I guess.

Dunno, really. There's women in the series who don't fit your theory;
Shampoo, for example.

	"Gramma! A da bah!" Hikaru scampered out into the kitchen, and
they heard Nodoka greet him. Akane closed the door behind him.

I can't help but feel like "A da bah!" sounds more like some
hiphop-slang than babytalk. ^_^

Maybe Hikaru will end up as a recording artist....

	Akane kissed him, and grinned. "Of course, if you wanted to cut
down on the belching, that'd be okay with me."

"Make sure you keep scratching your groin, though!"
or maybe not. ^_^

Some things you don't need to be *told* to do.... :-)

	They told him that what he was having were called contractions.
He vaguely remembered Akane having had them last year. They had been
coming about every quarter hour in the beginning, but by now there was
one every five minutes. They felt like gas pains, only a hundred times
worse. The only thing he could really compare it to was eating Akane's
cooking, back in the old days when she didn't know the difference
between soy sauce and tabasco

tabasco.

Right

	*Please... please make it stop,* he cried in his mind to any
power that might be able to hear. *I'll convert to religion... Shinto...
Catholicism... Scientology... anything you want. Just make it stop.*

Does Ranma even *know* of Scientology?

Um, maybe he read a magazine article on them at some point?

More likely would probably
be the S�ka Gakkai. (a militant buddhist sect which in some ways
very much like $cientology, for example in its powerhunger; they've
even started their own party, the K�meit� or Clean Government Party)

	"I know exactly what her name is. It's Ririko."
	"That sounds nice. How'd you come up with it?"
	"Easy. It means 'Lili's Child.'"

I *know* you need to explain to the reader, but it makes Akane sound
stupid. ^_^

Well, they *are* both pretty exhausted, so it's possible for them to
miss the obvious.

	Tatewaki conversed boisterously in one corner with his
leotard-clad sister. Nearby, Mu Si and Ukyo spoke with two others. The
Amazon recognized them as skaters, but didn't remember their names. Next
to them was someone who looked like a cute young woman, but who Shan Pu
remembered was actually a boy.

Hm. Was Kodachi's arrival ever mentioned, before this?

At the dojo, no. That she got back into town, yeah; she met up with
Tatchi in the 3rd prelude framing sequence.

	Thus endeth the HaM Preludes -- for the second time through. I
had hoped to finish the revisions long before now, but real life kept me
busy. Hopefully, the near future will leave me with more writing time.

The readers had hoped you would finish *HaM* long before now. ^_-;

You and me both, yeah... but real life has not cooperated. For some
weird reason, nobody is willing to pay me to work for FFML full time.
:-)

Thanks very much for the comments and suggestions!


Gary