This is a repost - no changes have been made since its post on RAAC
and its inclusion into the RAAC archives. You wanted a Star Wars
xover, it's been done more than once.
Star Wars - A Faint Hope
Century of the Fruitbat Productions
Screenplay by Lara Bartram and Mike Loader
The sounds of blaster fire echoed through the corridors of the
Corellian blockade runner. This was fairly normal; at least, normal for
when small illicit craft are forcibly stopped and boarded by Imperial
Star Destroyers. Stormtroopers prefer to shoot first and ask for
surrenders later.
And so, Her Royal Highness, Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan, did
the smart thing and ran like hell for the farthest part of the ship
from the hatch.
She was expendable. The plans weren't.
So she had to find a suitable astromech droid, one who could
safely hold the precious data and get it safely to the general.
And here, just around the corner, was a tiny blue R2 model. Leia
vaguely remembered as belonging to the other member of royalty on board
the ship. Nerima was a world sympathetic to the rebellion, so the droid
should be a safe bet.
"Here, little fellow," she called softly. The droid glanced over
at her, and its sensor brightened with a somewhat unnerving glint.
Bleeping enthusiastically, it scuttled over to the waiting Princess.
Fishing in her belt, Leia drew out the precious datacard. "You've
got to take this message to General Kenobi on the
planeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEYAAAHHH!"
Outraged, Leia quickly jumped back out of the reach of the aptly
named grasping arm. The tiny droid beeped, the sound somehow lecherous,
and retracted the appendage. To her horror, she noticed a black silk
undergarment gripped tightly in the claw...
It suddenly felt... drafty.
Her cheeks reddening, Leia hurried off. Captain Antillies had an
astromech; it'd do just fine.
R2-HT gave a mechanical chirp of glee, stowed the royal panties
in an inner compartment, and trundled off. Whatta haul! Whatta haul!
Boy, wouldn't C-KN0 be jealous!
"Yo, droid!"
HT's perverted little sensors twitched. The mistress! Sweetums!
"I gotta datacard here for you..."
Droids can't grin. R2-HT did anyway.
*** ***
"...and bring me the passengers. I want them alive!"
With a menacing flick of his cape, Darth Vader stormed off the
bridge of the captured blockade runner. Every stormtrooper present
breathed a heartfelt sigh of relief.
It wasn't that Vader was scary. Midterms at the Carida Academy
were scary. Large, trooper-eating snakes were scary. Rebels with
thermal detonators and maniac grins were scary. But the Dark Lord of
the Sith made all of those look like a comfy evening in front of the
fire with a mug of hot tea and mother knitting something. People in his
presence were too busy being terrified to be scared.
"Remember, he's on my side," hapless servants of the Empire used
to tell themselves in a vain effort to keep from soiling their
regulation white-on-black undergarments. Then some thoughtful
numberpusher casually mentioned in a post on the MilWeb that Lord Vader
had killed over 145 times the amount of Imperial troops as he had
Rebels.
The Fervent Tyranny Overthrow Cell, a splinter group from the
Alliance, intercepted this message and promptly awarded the Dark Lord
their highest honors.
Glad to have escaped alive, the stormtroopers hauled up the body
of the dead Corellian captain and began to trundle him off. And then
the bridge door opened, revealing a shape in black body armor.
Oh no, was the silent thought. Vader's come back. We're all dead.
Coolant mist swirling theatrically around him, the Dark Lord
deliberately trod forward and seized the dead captain by the throat in
a viselike grip. Slowly raising the corpse, he looked directly into its
slack features, the dead eyes reflected in the lenses of his helmet.
"Where is the transmission you intercepted?"
Relief mixed with embarrassment as the stormtroopers silently
looked somewhere else. It wasn't Vader after all.
"Well?"
The platoon leader cleared his throat. "Er. Lord Ono?"
The figure in black turned to regard him. "Yes?"
"Er. Um, that man's dead, sir. Sorry, sir."
Lord Tofu Ono, the other Dark Lord of the Sith, carefully wiped
the lenses of his helmet with his free hand, then examined his prisoner
once again. "Hmm. So he is."
"Lord Vader broke his neck," chimed in a recruit. The platoon
leader winced. Ono scowled, and angrily tossed the body aside.
"Lord Vader," he said, voice dripping with spite, "is a clumsy,
egotistical, joke of an amateur. He doesn't know the first thing about
proper use of the Force, or chiropractic techniques."
Most of the stormtroopers wisely stayed silent. The recruit
sniggered.
Lord Ono glared at him, and casually tapped the recruit's armor
with a gloved pinkie. The platoon leader, who had worked under Ono
before, shuddered.
"Tear this ship apart until..."
"...we find the plans? Lord Vader already...."
Tofu snarled. "Vader, Vader, Vader! He's not the only student of
the Emperor, you know! He's not even the first one! I was!"
This was true, and most of the stormtroopers knew it. Emperor
Palpatine, needing a right-hand man for his consolidation of power and
extermination of the Jedi, had set his sights on the skilled young Jedi
Chiropractor. Tofu had, after a brief struggle, become the mildly-
feared servant of fairly unpleasant behavior that he was today.
It was also true that the Emperor, after muttering something
about 'back to the drawing board', had then carefully ignored Tofu's
existence and turned his efforts to one Anakin Skywalker.
Thus, while Vader purposefully strode forth on missions from his
master aimed at crushing the Rebel Alliance, Ono tended to meander
around on rather pointless quests of his own.
The best way to deal with him, as the platoon leader knew, was to
respectfully acknowledge his every command, salute smartly, and then
never get around to carrying out his orders.
"Er, Lord Ono," he began hesitantly, "we'll let you know if we
find the plans for the Death Star. Just as soon as we..."
Tofu flicked a black-gloved hand dismissively. "Feh, who cares
about the Death Star? Your mission, Trooper, is to find the plans for
Project J that were beamed to this ship. At once. Is that clear?"
"Yessir," barked the platoon leader, saluting crisply.
"Good. Call me when you find them." Turning, the Dark Lord of the
Sith stormed into a wall, swore, wiped the coolant mist off his helmet
lenses, and sheepishly slunk out the door.
Sighing, the platoon leader turned to the recruit. "Son... that
was real dumb. Everyone knows that Lord Ono'll stand just about
anything but disrespect. And now look at what's happened."
The novice stormtrooper made a rude noise. "Feh. So he poked me.
Big deal. A REAL Dark Lord, like Darth Vader, would have
auuughhhaggggghhhjjjhgfddffhhj*splat*gish*blorp*"
The platoon leader shook his head sadly. "Men, flush what's left
of Trooper Gelik down the commode." Lord Ono wasn't as bloody-minded as
Vader, but he was still an incredibly powerful Dark Jedi with a
extensive knowledge of pressure points and the human body. Armor didn't
help. It just prevented the liquid remains of the ex-stormtrooper from
making a mess on the floor.
"And the plans he mentioned, sir?"
"Bugger that. Vader told us to find the passengers, so we find
the passengers."
*** ***
C-KN0 turned the corner, looking to retrieve his diminutive, yet
quite lecherous companion, R2-HT. How he despised the little droid, but
it seemed that they were in the firefight together and thus had to work
together to escape in one piece. Or at least, for him to escape; the
fate of the astromech was secondary.
Turning down another corridor, he caught sight of R2-HT at the
other end, and there was a strange woman with him. A strange, buxom,
lithe, red-haired woman, kneeling down enticingly in something sheer
and clingy. Or maybe he was just imagining it and she was really
dressed in a red shirt and black pants.
C-KN0 could feel his wires begin to melt as he watched the woman
with R2-HT for a moment. Unable to control himself any longer, he
shuffled as quickly as possible toward the two. "Oh beauteous one,
waste not your attention on that lesser droid!" he yelled, waving his
hand at her.
She looked up at him, blue eyes flashing, then looked down at R2-
HT. She fiddled with something then swatted away one of the droid's
claws, and ran off down the corridor.
Finally reaching R2-HT, C-KN0 looked longingly after the woman.
"Who was that enticing creature?"
R2-HT practically bounced up and down in place, beeping and
whistling excitedly.
"A mission? She wishes us to complete a mission for her? If such
a beautiful woman asks a favor of us, then how can we deny her desires?
Behold! C-KN0, renowned protocol droid of the galaxy shall..."
R2-HT chirped annoyedly at him.
"Yes, yes... And R2-HT, lecherous astromech, shall stop at
nothing to fulfill our given mission!" C-KN0 adopted a heroic pose,
then looked down at R2. "What was the mission?"
R2-HT told the other droid what had happened, knowing C-KN0
wouldn't believe a word he had said. That was one thing about the
translator droids that could always be counted on. Predictability. It
also made them great to play pranks on.
"Indeed. A princess and secret plans... Very well, we shall go!"
If it was possible for robots to facefault or sweat or do
anything not related to real life, R2-HT had just done it.
"Escape is our first order of business. To the escape pods!" C-
KN0 headed toward the closest bank of emergency lifepods with R2-HT
following.
The tiny droid had the feeling that he was getting into something
very, very bad. But anything for that cute princess! R2-HT sped down
the corridor, past C-KN0.
"The Princess was a most fetching creature indeed," C-KN0 sighed
as they walked. "And to think, she required our help..."
*Bwoop beep dweep whistle* R2-HT answered, humming in place. His
display lights were flashing wildly as they made their way to the
escape pods. The sounds of blaster fire had ceased, but they knew they
weren't out of the proverbial woods yet.
C-KN0 made a disgusted sound. "You shall not speak to me in such
a manner. When did they start programming astromechs with such foul
tongues?" Shaking his head at the fate of being cursed with the
lecherous R2-HT, C-KN0 wished for an industrial laser to take care of
his companion.
"This way, you cretinous little slug," the translator droid said
as the two turned down a grated passage. "Why she would ever consider a
foul trash compacted heap a suitable courier is beyond even my immense
comprehension."
*Dwoop bee fip boop woo* The R2 unit's lights were flickering
crazily again.
"And she appeared none to grateful for your... attentions." As
possible as it is for a droid to sneer, C-KN0 did it. "That grasping
claw is a tool, not an extension of your lechery!"
Summarily ignoring his unwanted companion, R2-HT continued to
reminisce about the kawaii little princess that had put her hands all
over him. *Whistle woo beep bip*
"No, I do not believe she will be 'slipping you' any more plans!"
C-KN0 rapped sharply on R2-HT's dome-shaped top, who approximated a
droid snicker. "Cease such ignoble comments about the princess, or you
shall be summarily blasted out an airlock!"
R2-HT whistled forlornly, then chirped happily as the two reached
the escape pods.
"While my sentiments may be similar, she would invariably choose
me as her translator over you as her astromech. You are nothing more
than a peasant mechanical droid to her, while I am versed in the finer
arts of diplomatic process and..."
The little forked appendage that came out of a recently opened
door on the R2 unit's trunk touched the reflective metallic skin of C-
KN0's leg, sending a burst of electricity jolting through the taller
droid.
C-KN0's words became garbled as the current played havoc with his
speech center.
R2-HT withdrew the extremity and rolled over to the escape pod
access panel, leaving the translator droid gibbering behind him. Using
his computer access rod, R2 tried to activate the pods. Turning back to
see C-KN0 recovering, he beeped slyly.
C-KN0 knocked himself in the head once to clear his sensors, then
turned a cross pair of visual detectors on the squat robot. "No, I do
not believe the Princess would care to see your computer access
'member' or witness your speed at 'data retrieval'. Our first priority
is to see through on the mission the fiery-haired Princess has given to
us."
R2-HT returned to accessing the escape pods only to discover they
had all been jettisoned. Making a sound that could have been
interpreted as 'uh oh', he stopped accessing the computer.
"And what obstacle might we have encountered this time? Hm?" C-
KN0 tapped expectantly on R2-HT. "We must not let anything stand in our
way."
Retracting his access rod, R2 backed away from the panel. Now
just what were they supposed to do now? C-KN0 couldn't get them out; he
couldn't formulate a crew list for a freighter, let alone an escape
plan. It was up to him to get things done.
Speeding away, paying no mind to C-KN0's questions, R2-HT was
forming a serious plan.
"You two droids, stop where you are!"
The two stopped in place and turned in unison. Neither was
particularly afraid, as the Empire in general was far too conceited and
egotistical for its own good, but they didn't want to fail the
princess.
"And what evilness have you visited upon our..." C-KN0 began.
"Good. We could use a translator droid," the trooper in the lead
said.
"What for, sir?"
"Have you ever tried to understand a cantina full of half-drunk
aliens who can barely tell you their own name? It's not easy."
Several other troopers nodded in agreement. Blasting them was
always a last resort, but it was important to appear in control, even
when there was a complete failure to communicate.
"You think that I would step foot into any of the filthy
establish..."
"Yeah, this one'll do. Grab the little one too, just in case. It
might come in handy if we have problems."
"Remove your hands from my person," C-KN0 ordered as a pair of
stormtroopers grabbed his arms and began to drag him away.
"Save it until we're ready for you, droid."
*** ***
R2-HT beeped softly at C-KN0.
"I am unaware of our purpose aboard this ship. Whenever I attempt
to get an explanation, I am most rudely cut off," C-KN0 returned
quietly.
R2 continued his quiet noises, seeing several of the troopers
nearby look over at them.
"And what, pray tell, is wrong with how I speak? My speech
patterns have served me for many years as a highly successful
translator, and now I am expected to abandon what I have achieved so
much doing?" C-KN0's voice was rising in volume. "Nay! It is that
which..."
More troopers looked over at the sudden silence, watching R2-HT
withdraw the electrically charged prod he had just put to use. Several
sighs of relief were heard.
Safely en route to the surface of the planet Tatooine, the
stormtroopers were beginning to get antsy in the company of the two
droids. The little one wasn't too bad, but there was definitely a
threatening air about it, and the translator... Lord help whoever he
had to translate for. Straws were being drawn for who would be stuck
with it.
Recovering, C-KN0 looked down at the little R2 unit. "You vile,
little scrap-heap. You do know that I utterly despise you, don't you?"
Several troopers had their hands resting on their blaster rifles,
wondering if too big a commotion would be started.
One of the officers chose that moment to make an appearance at
that time much to the delight of R2-HT. Even though her hair was pinned
up under the hat and she wore the same drab uniform as the others,
there was no mistaking her gender.
Sensor flaring to life, making some very... impolite noises, R2-
HT quickly advanced on the female officer with all appendages extended.
Sweeto! It was the most frightening moment of the officer's life, even
eclipsing the brief meeting she had had with Lord Vader.
"Shoot this little monster!" she yelled, pointing at the droid.
Blasters were leveled, ready to happily comply with the order.
"Hold! As detestable as I find my companion, we have pressing
matters to attend to. Blasting him would impair our ability to complete
the mission, and that would invariably disappoint the beauteous
princess..."
With amazing self-control, R2 turned away from the officer and
beeped annoyedly, again, at C-KN0.
"Nonsense. Knowing the importance of our mission, they shall no
doubt release us and assist us to deliver the plans for the Prin..."
R2-HT made a sound that was almost... dangerous.
"Your feeble threats do not frighten me." Moving quickly for a
droid with locked joints, C-KN0 pulled out of thin air apparently...
"Where'd it get that stick?" one trooper asked.
"Beats me. I've never seen a droid move that fast before."
"You idiots! Get rid of these two mechanical rejects!" the
officer yelled.
Absorbed in their argument over the mission, waving sticks and
electrically charged appendages around, the two droids didn't even
notice the troopers slowly moving in on them.
Unexpectedly, the protocol droid swung his stick in a wide arc,
missing the shorter astromech, and hit one of the troopers in the
chest. Only his armor saved him from a horrible bruise.
Stumbling back a little, tripping over someone's foot, the
trooper landed square on his rump, accidentally firing off his blaster.
Everyone ducked as the shot ricocheted around the ship until it
struck an unawares pilot, killing the sap instantly. There was silence
except for the two droids arguing loudly still. C-KN0 swung his stick
again, striking another trooper accidentally, knocking him into the
others.
Putting one hand over her face, the officer shook her head.
"Fine. I guess I do this myself then." Watching the two battle and
babble, the officer went ahead and released the docking safeties,
opening the airlock that the two were standing on.
As the two were sucked out of the ship and sent hurtling through
the atmosphere of the planet, not even knowing how fortunate they were
that were not in outer space, C-KN0 yelled, "Cowards!"
Then he got down to the business of panicking at the fact that
impact would most likely send him scattering in several thousand parts
across the planet surface. Unless he could somehow break his fall by
landing on R2-HT...
There was no time, however, as the ground was coming up fast, and
it appeared that they might land on those two... black... dots...
Jawas tend to spend much of their dull, squat, verminous little
lives doing things with droids. Selling them was the most common thing.
Repairing them was another... well, at least making them look repaired,
anyway. Some particularly pathetic Jawas even slept with them, because
it's hard to get a date on Saturday night when you're a filthy, three-
foot-high humanoid rat clothed in rags that a leper would wrinkle his
nose in disgust in. But no Jawa had ever actually been killed by a
droid. Until now.
*WHAM!*
Two of the little humanoids were wiped out right there and then
as R2-HT and C-KN0 landed right on top them, turning the area in a 15
foot circle around them into a giant smear of Jawa bits.
*** ***
Jawas are one of the few things about Tattooine that are even
remotely famous.
In major, urban, cosmopolitan worlds like Coruscant, Corellia,
and Vertide, a thriving trade is done in Jawa dolls, plushies, virtual
pets, and air-fresheners. This is because the Jawa profile is cute and
cuddly, with the pointy hood and button eyes and adorable waddle. And
they have bandoleers and guns, which appeals to the intergalactic
equivalent of rednecks and 10-year-old boys.
And so, most sentient beings who ever hear of the race go through
life thinking that Jawas are cute.
This is a reasonable but enormous mistake.
Possibly, if you gave a Jawa a industrial strength bath, a
tailor-made robe, enough odor eaters to freshen a skunk colony, a
manicure, and a acting lesson... well, it probably still wouldn't be
cute, but it would be closer.
The closest thing to a cute Jawa is a dead one. If nothing else,
it improves the smell and removes the fear that they might try to touch
you.
Two Jawas of the Gaaaahp'oootie Parasitic Scavenger Collective
were currently trying to attain cuteness over a quarter-mile radius.
Their less cuddly but still living companions stared at the droids that
had caused this. The one or two Jawas with what passed for a sense of
hygiene absently brushed bits of entrails off their clothing, and
licked their lips.
C-KN0 slowly sat up, and took stock of the situation. He was in
one piece, which was good. He was covered with some sort of gore, which
was bad. R2-HT was bleeping and half buried in the sand, which was
good. There were a number of small, grubby-looking creatures clustering
around him, which was bad.
"Avert thy gaze, base knaves!" he said in Magrat, trade tongue of
barely-sentient creatures who infest spaceports. While it was uncertain
if the little creatures even knew what a spaceport was, they looked
like experts on infesting.
The Jawas chattered to each other in a squeaky, primitive tongue
for a few seconds. C-KN0 stood, and with great dignity brushed shreds
of Jawa from his faux-golden surface, pretending not to listen. He was
fluent in over three million forms of communication, but this wasn't
one of them. Still, he was a fast learner when it came to languages,
and it gradually began to make some sort of sense.
"Ochee gas sell mukgah out of the blue eechebee?"
"Go-nah toku squashed ootah felkii flat!"
"Muso gamp should visdis kak shoot them."
C-KN0 quivered with outrage. The nerve!
"So, thou wouldst shoot the noble C-KN0 and his companion in
metal? Doubtless delaying our quest on behalf of the most beauteous
pig-tailed princess? Feel the wrath of the Golden Translator of
Furinkan Cybernetics, squat offal!"
Thunder crashed somewhere in the background.
The Jawas watched in sheer disbelief as the droid from the sky
whipped out a stick and charged.
After watching him beat five of their number to a bloody pulp,
they shot him repeatedly.
The astromech buried upside-down in the sand didn't look like
much of a threat, but they shot it too. Just in case.
*** ***
These are the Jundland wastes.
They are treacherous, forbidding, barren. Sandpeople live in
them, and greet travelers in their own special ethnic way.
Despite this - or, perhaps because of this - moisture farmers
persistently cluster around the fringes, eking out a living by growing
things that could probably be grown much more easily somewhere else.
Moisture farmers came in many different sexes, races, and sizes,
but they all had one thing in common. They weren't young, and they had
pretty much had it with the outside galaxy. This worked out fine,
because the outside galaxy had usually pretty much had it with them.
The current crop of farmers in the Anchorhead area contained
three ex-smugglers, two former lawyers, a Senator in the Old Republic,
four fleet officers from the wrong side of the Clone Wars, a Barabel
with a vast collection of stormtrooper helmets, the foster parents of
Darth Vader's son, and a widower named Soun Tendo.
At the moment, this individual was crying his eyes out.
"Wah! My only remaining daughter's going to leave me all alone in
my old age!"
Kasumi Tendo frowned slightly. "Now father, that's not so. I just
said that eventually I might consider leaving the farm, that's all."
Soun sniffled, and carefully examined his eldest child. She
smiled back at him, patted him on the head, and wandered into the
kitchen. "You just sit down, father, and I'll bring you a nice cup of
tea."
Sighing, Soun sank into an armchair. He knew he was a bit
overprotective, but... he couldn't help it. Ever since losing his wife
and two youngest daughters in that freak nerf herding accident, he
found himself constantly worrying about his eldest daughter, now his
sole heir.
If it weren't for the fact that continuing the family line
required two people, he wouldn't even let her go into town on weekends.
As it was, she had begun dating that Darklighter boy... but he moved
away last year, and Soun had gotten the impression that she had been
going out with him simply because it was expected. Hints on his part
that she might try a date with the Skywalker boy were met with the
pleasant, slightly bemused look that she normally gave his more
ridiculous ideas. His daughter seemed to prefer older men, and Luke had
the spiritual age of a energetic puppy.
He sighed. Getting Kasumi a decent husband was proving to be a
major headache. Young people just didn't stay around this place; they
applied to the Academy, or bought passage to a major world, or took the
Jabba the Hutt Scholarship for Promising Young Sentients.
Emerging from the kitchen with a cup of scrub tea, Kasumi
carefully set it on the table near his chair. "I'm going into town to
do some shopping, father. Is there anything you need?"
Soun's brow wrinkled. "Hmm. A newspaper, two pipes of tabac, and
see if you can find us some replacements for the droids the Tusken
stole."
"Okay!"
"And please don't buzz the Hamthax's place again. They called to
complain the other night."
"Oh dear. All right, father."
As his daughter walked out the door, Soun fished out two pieces
of cotton wool and carefully stuffed them in his ears.
*vvvvvvvrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!*
As soon as the vase on the corner shelf stopped shaking, he
removed the wool.
The Jundland wastes were hostile, barren, forbidden, and very,
very boring. So young people did what young people always do in such
places - drive souped-up vehicles at ludicrous speeds through narrow,
dangerous areas.
In an area noted for this, Kasumi Tendo was widely regarded as
the Nicest Person In The Anchorhead Area, Most Likely To Make Some
Lucky Man A Great Wife, and Most Likely To Smear Herself All Over A
Canyon If She Keeps Driving That Repulsorlift With Seats The Way She
Does.
*** ***
Everyone liked Kasumi.
More specifically, everyone liked Kasumi when she wasn't driving.
Pulling her horribly overengined landspeeder to a screeching
halt, she gingerly got out of the driver's seat and walked into the
streets of Anchorhead. People smiled, waved, and noted where she was
parked for future avoiding.
She hadn't gone more that a block before the Jawas flagged her
down.
Kasumi was possibly the only resident of the area who would, when
confronted by apparently crazed Jawas frantically waving their hands,
smile pleasantly instead of shooting them.
"Good morning!"
^!Droids! You want Droids?!^
"Oh. Well, actually, I am looking for...."
^!Good! They're yours! Take them!^
Kasumi blinked. While she usually had little trouble with buying
things, the little merchant wasn't making much sense.
"How much...."
^!We'll pay you 20!^
"Pay me 20?"
^!Okay! 30! Deal?^ Without even waiting for the puzzled moisture
farmer to nod, the Jawas frantically hustled two bound and gagged
droids out of a nearby alleyway. Kasumi stood, bemused, as they shoved
an ownership datacard and 30 coins into her hands, laughed insanely,
and ran like hell.
This was most odd, Kasumi thought. While people often gave her
free samples, no-one had ever paid her money to accept valuable
machines before.
Oh well. Never look a gift droid in the circuits.
With some difficulty, she managed to remove the gag from the
large golden one.
"At last! Liberated from the vile clutches of those repulsive
peasant scum! Back in the surface of a honorable liege!" The translator
droid bowed. "I am C-KN0, noble protocol droid. And the astromech you
have so wisely kept muffled is my counterpart, R2-HT. We are both at
your service, Lord...?"
"I'm Kasumi Tendo," she responded. "My, what a bargain. Do you
speak Bocce?"
C-KN0 sniffed slightly. "I comprehend the language of every
civilized race worth mentioning. Oh, and Jawas, too."
"How about binary moisture vaporators?'
The droid looked taken aback. "What might those be? They sound
suspiciously like something involving manual labor." C-KN0 somehow
managed to invest the last two words with a degree of odiousness
usually only found in pairings like 'gang rape', 'child molesting', or
'tax audit'.
This wasn't good, Kasumi thought. The main reason the farm needed
droids was for those vaporators. Perhaps the little one knew how to
handle them? Kneeling, she began to work the bonds off the R2 unit.
Behind her, C-KN0 fidgeted alarmedly. "Lord Tendo..."
"Oh dear, just Kasumi."
"Miss Kasumi, you might want to wait to release that malodorous
little robot until there are more people around, ones with blasters or
electric bantha prods..."
"Oh, I'm sure I'll make due."
C-KN0 winced as the last durarope came loose, and waited for the
inevitable cacophony of lecherous beeps and female screams.
To his vast surprise, R2-HT bleeped pleasantly, performed a
systems check, and rattled off a series of electronic clicks for the
protocol droid's benefit.
"Why... ahem... Master Kasumi, he wishes to inform you that he is
well acquainted with vaporator operation." With an amazed look, C-KN0
listened to another flurry of beeping. "He.. he says he's eager to see
them and whip them into shape for you? R2-HT, are you feeling quite
well?"
Kasumi beamed at the little astromech, and fondly patted the
dome. "My, what a handy little fellow."
R2-HT bleeped endearingly.
"Now, if you two will wait right here, I'll be right back with
some groceries for you to carry."
As their new master walked off, C-KN0 stared at his companion in
disbelief. "I must say, for once you behaved with decorum and
gentility. Have you picked up a flutter?"
The little droid bleeped puzzledly. To tell the truth, it had no
idea whatsoever why it hadn't gone for a cheap feel. Odd, that.
*** ***
Kasumi hummed happily as she walked back to her landspeeder. The
two droids following her were less so. "And why did you agree to help
this young lady? She works us as if we are slaves," C-KN0 seethed to
R2-HT.
R2-HT, still running a full internal systems diagnostic, ignored
him and continued rolling along behind their new master... mistress...
Sweeto!
His grasping claw shot out to acquire a new souvenir, but halted
in mid pinch. He couldn't do it. Violating his new mistress'
undergarments just seemed so... wrong. He intensified his diagnostic
efforts.
"Whatever is that worrisome whirring noise?" Kasumi asked,
turning to look at the two droids. There appeared to be some sort of
smoke pouring out of the little R2's top.
"Oh dear!" Hurrying back to relieve the unit of its burden, she
deposited everything R2-HT had been carrying on top of C-KN0's
impressive pile of groceries. She didn't notice as he toppled over
backwards.
"You poor little droid! What's happened?" Kasumi kneeled down in
front of R2, running her hands over his metal frame. She didn't feel
any damage and it didn't look damaged at all. What could be wrong to
cause so much smoke? "What did those Jawas do to you?"
The grinding, whirring noise in R2-HT stopped suddenly, and the
smoke dissipated eventually. In fact, a purring noise started.
Kasumi smiled and patted R2-HT. "Feeling better?" she asked
pleasantly.
R2 beeped in the affirmative as Kasumi stood, and the two headed
to the landspeeder.
"Now..." Kasumi stopped, realizing she had no idea what to call
the droids. "What should I..." When she turned to ask the protocol
droid, she noticed he wasn't there. Looking left and right, Kasumi
finally noticed the heap of groceries on the ground.
"Oh... oh no! The groceries!" She hurried over to the pile and
began picking things up. "I do hope the wamp rat steaks haven't been
dirtied."
She smiled as she lifted the bag with the steaks in it. It was
all intact. Apparently, C-KN0's face had stopped it from hitting the
ground.
"If you wouldn't find it an inconvenience..." he said, struggling
feebly under the immense pile.
"Maybe this is why those Jawas paid me to take you. This little
R2 unit seems quite helpful, and yet you have only caused trouble so
far." Kasumi tsked gently and began removing the groceries.
"Honestly, I don't know why Father insists on moisture farming,"
Kasumi said to herself, frowning ever so slightly. "This dry weather
can't be good for his health, and he's getting too old to do the work
by himself when I leave..."
Kasumi helped C-KN0 back to his feet and dusted him off somewhat.
"There, now as I was saying," she said as she began loading the
groceries into the droid's arms again, "what can I do with a protocol
droid? If you don't want to help with the vaporators, then you're not
really that much good to us."
Kasumi was walking back to the speeder, talking almost to herself
again. "Maybe those nice Jawas would take you back... I'm sure they'd
find a use for you; then you'd feel important, I'm sure."
C-KN0 followed as quickly as he could. Things had taken a sudden
turn for the worse. He hadn't even gotten a chance to impress the young
lady with his knowledge of...
"Yes, I think that's what I'll do. R2-HT, did you see where those
Jawas went?"
Regretfully, R2 had not. He sure would have been happy to dump
that bump on a log C-KN0 if he could, too. Then he could have the
pretty lady all to himself. If droids could drool, he would have. As it
was, he burbled up a little lubricant.
"That's unfortunate." Kasumi stood with one hand on her cheek,
looking around. "I suppose I should just take you with me. Perhaps
Father will know what to do with you."
As the group and their groceries piled into the landspeeder,
bungie cording the two droids down since the engine was immense enough
to take up all passenger room, anyone who noticed Kasumi preparing to
leave cleared the streets.
Kasumi made sure everything was secured; it wouldn't do to have
groceries flying out the back. Daintily, she got behind the controls of
the speeder and smoothed her dress out before starting the engine.
To R2-HT and C-KN0's delicate audio sensors, it was like being in
the middle of a herd of mating banthas. Only the fact that droids had
no bladders to lose control of saved them from a bad case of rust.
Kasumi looked back at the two and smiled reassuringly. "It should
only take two hours or so to get back. Hold on."
"To whaaaaaaat?" C-KN0's voice was lost as the engine thundered
and the speeder was off.
*** ***
Soun sat glumly at home in the little kitchen area. He was
staring longingly at the unprepared food. He couldn't possibly hope to
make it himself, not without Kasumi. And Kasumi had talked about
leaving... Impossible! She couldn't or he'd be completely helpless. If
only his friend Saotome was there to help...
Lower lip quivering, Soun was unprepared for the sudden ear-
shattering blast of sound that shook the entire house, even though it
was underground. "KASUUUUMIIIII!" he yelled, which was impossible to
hear over the horrible roaring, until the engine noise stopped suddenly
and left him screaming at the top of his lungs.
Realizing the noise was gone, Soun stopped screaming and removed
his fingers from his ears. He shook his head, trying to get the ringing
to stop and the flashing lights to disappear.
"Mothra, come bone!"
Soun looked around in a blind panic. Who was there with him and
just what were they talking about? He shook his head again when he saw
Kasumi enter the kitchen. "KASUMI."
"Go fy, Mothra. Cuts za bottom?"
Soun stared at Kasumi for a moment. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
KASUMI?"
Kasumi winced. "Cot zo proud, Mothra."
Soun wedged his pinkie finger in one ear and tried to shake out
whatever was preventing him from hearing correctly.
"Father, is there something wrong? Why are you yelling?" Kasumi
asked, holding some groceries.
Soun got angry for almost an entire nanosecond before he gave in
to Kasumi's smile and began crying. "Ka-su-mi! Don't leave!" he
blubbered.
"But Father, I've just returned. I won't be leaving until..."
Kasumi looked at a calendar on the wall and flipped a couple pages.
"Until after dinner. But right now, I've got to do something with these
droids. They're just filthy."
Soun's tears dried. "Droids? What droids?"
Kasumi turned and pointed at the two mounds of groceries. "These
two. Some nice Jawas paid me to take them, and the R2 unit is so
helpful, I just couldn't leave them behind."
Soun stared at the groceries. "The Jawas paid you to take two
mechanical piles of groceries? How very odd. I've never known them to
be so... helpful before."
Kasumi giggled. "Oh my, no, Father. The droids are carrying the
groceries." She put all the groceries away with her usual speed and
grace. She obviously believed in applying her everyday skills to her
driving because those groceries were put up, shut up, zipped up, locked
up and thoroughly arranged neatly in the cupboards in about five
seconds.
Soun, paying no mind to Kasumi's apparently superhuman grocery
abilities, looked thoughtfully at the droids. "They _are_ a ragged duo,
aren't they?" He walked in a circle around them making noises of doubt
and confirmation.
"The little one can work with the vaporators, Father."
"He can, can he? That will be useful..."
Kasumi smiled happily at that. Anything to get his mind off the
fact that she would be leaving to check out the landspeeder hot rod
show past the 600th sand dune after dinner.
"And what about this one? What does it do?" Sound asked, poking
C-KN0.
C-KN0 growled. "Peasants and lecherous machines, I am surrounded
by them!" He straightened up, some of his joints being bent from the
strain of the groceries, and tried to look dignified. The crunching,
grinding noise that came from the sand in his joints didn't help a
whole lot.
"I, known to my peers and masters, am known as C-KN0! The Golden
Translator of..."
His wondrous speech was cut off by Soun suddenly sticking his
fingers into places a polite droid doesn't allow. "It's filthy. Kasumi,
maybe you should clean them up. That should help its speech problem."
"Yes, Father. Come along and we'll have you clean by dinner."
"How dare you! Implying that I might..."
Kasumi hit the button and activated the restraining bolt on C-
KN0. It worked enough to shut him up for a time. "I said, come along.
We can't have droids tracking sand all over the house."
In the repair area, where Kasumi normally did her engine work, C-
KN0 was already in the hot oil. The sand was finally working its way
out of his joints and he no longer smelled like a pile of dirty Jawa
clothing. He sighed in relief.
Kasumi was working on R2-HT, cleaning the Jawa chunks off that
were really stuck on. "You two droids must have been through quite a
lot," Kasumi said as she scrubbed at a particularly stubborn glob.
"I've never seen..." She ran her finger across a spot of blackened...
something. "...a mess like this before, not even after Father
accidentally put that little Corellian saber hamster in the northern
vaporator."
"Oh dear," C-KN0 said quietly.
Kasumi finished scraping off the bits and moved on to cleaning
out the little nooks and crannies. She took a large, wedge-shaped tool
and tried to clean out the data slot in the front of R2-HT. "Oh dear,
there's something jammed in here quite tight."
"Most likely one of his purloined pieces of lingerie," C-KN0
offered from behind her.
"No, nothing like that." Kasumi twisted and pushed, trying to
work out whatever was jammed in the slot. "I wonder who could have done
this. I don't think it's..."
The tool snapped off at the handle and wedged inside R2-HT as
Kasumi fell back to her rump, dirtying her dress. She was about to
proclaim her dismay when the hologram appeared.
A small blurry image of a young girl with red hair pulled into a
braid appeared. There was an excited gasp from C-KN0 as he laid sensors
on the hologram.
"The vibrant pig-tailed princess," he said reverently.
"Princess? She doesn't look like a princess. She's not very lady-
like at all," Kasumi said as the message fragment started.
"...Obi Wan Kenobi, you're the only one who," the holographic
princess said before apparently hitting something not in the hologram
with her closed fist.
The fragment replayed itself as the three watched it, Kasumi with
curiosity, C-KN0 with droid lust, and R2-HT with something no-one
wanted to identify.
"Obi Wan Kenobi? Who might that be? And where did this message
come from?" Kasumi asked.
"Most likely a stray purloined garter belt melted to his
circuits. He seems to find them pleasurable, though I could never
fathom the reason why."
"Well, we can't have that now, can we?" Kasumi calmly yanked the
broken tool from the data slot, causing the hologram to disappear.
"Now, to finish cleaning you up..."
*** ***
Kasumi was setting the table as Soun quietly read his morning
Anchorhead Times. More gangster activity, more smugglers and bounty
hunters, more Tusken raiders scalping Galaxy Spice Droids tickets...
And for those prices; raiders indeed.
Sitting down and politely clearing her throat, Kasumi set a plate
in front of her father. "Father..."
Soun set his paper aside. "Yes, Kasumi?"
Kasumi looked a little unsure of herself. "Father, do you know...
Obi Wan Kenobi?" A princess asking for Obi Wan Kenobi... she wasn't
sure she should be getting involved in things. "I thought he might be
some relation of Ben Kenobi, the next rocky chasm over."
"Obi Wan..." Soun said thoughtfully, then nodded. "Why yes. Obi
Wan Kenobi is Old Ben's real name. I think he started using Ben when he
started going to bars. The women seemed to like it more than Obi Wan. I
couldn't imagine why..."
"Ah." Kasumi began eating slowly. Just maybe she'd have to take a
detour before she went to the hot rod show.
*** ***
"And where, might I ask, are we traversing to?" C-KN0 asked,
shuffling across the rocky terrain behind Kasumi.
"We're going to find Obi Wan Kenobi. Now you must keep your voice
down. I don't want to run into any sandpeople; they're fairly vicious,
and get quite jealous of super-modified landspeeders. I just hope the
chrome vent covers are safe while we're gone."
R2-HT beeped a little, trying to keep it down.
"No, I do not believe they wear anything pink or lacy," C-KN0
answered him.
"You have to..." Kasumi's words died in her throat as a shape
loomed out of the darkness. "Oh my."
With a seal-like battle cry, the raider swung his bantha stick
and smacked C-KN0 squarely in the chest, sending the droid flying.
Fortunately, before it could do the same with the defenseless Kasumi,
there was a flash of greenish-blue light and the raider yowled in pain
before it fell to the ground, lifeless.
"Despicable creatures," a matronly voice was saying. "Are you all
right, dear?"
Kasumi, feeling slightly shaken up, but physically healthy,
nodded. "Yes, I just got a fright. I'm fine, and thank you for that."
"Think nothing of it. I've often had to deal with those beasts.
It's not something I enjoy doing." Whoever the woman was, she was
completely unphased by the killing and the body lying at her feet.
"What are you doing out here, dear? It's quite dangerous at this time
of night."
"I was looking for Ben Kenobi's residence. I have two droids that
have a message for him," Kasumi replied with ultimate politeness. If
not for the sand and the night sky and the dead body, they might have
been having tea together.
"What a coincidence. I am too. Shall I escort you there?"
"That would be lovely. I'm Kasumi Tendo." She began walking
alongside the woman with R2-HT behind them.
"I'm very pleased to meet you, and I think this wreck is your
other droid." She kneeled down next to the mess that used to be C-KN0.
"I do hope Mr. Kenobi isn't too disappointed that this one is in
such horrid condition."
"I don't think he'll mind, dear. Why don't we gather it up and be
on our way."
*** ***
At a cave that looked like any other cave, except for the door
and lawn jockey, the group stopped. "This is his home," the woman said,
and rapped sharply on the door.
Kasumi stood back respectfully, her hands crossed in front of
her. She was out rather late, and this was taking much longer than she
had hoped it would. It didn't even appear that she would make it to the
show.
The woman pounded on the door a little harder this time. "Obi Wan
Kenobi, you let me in this instant!" she yelled, catching Kasumi
completely off-guard.
"Um, shouldn't you..." Kasumi began.
"Fine, have it your way!" She whipped out what appeared to be a
flashlight, and it most definitely flashed light, but this light sliced
through the wooden door like... like... something really sharp.
Removing what was left of the door with her foot, she immediately
marched inside, Kasumi trailing. "Obi Wan Kenobi!" she yelled.
She was greeted by silence.
Kasumi stood just inside the devastated door and waited for the
woman to stop... foaming at the mouth. She glanced at a small table
next to the door and saw the envelope there. She picked it up and
looked at it. There was a name on it. Nodoka.
"Excuse me, are you Nodoka?" Kasumi asked as the woman rushed by
with her sword of light raised.
Nodoka almost screeched to a halt. "Yes, I'm Nodoka. How did you
know?"
Kasumi held out the envelope. "This was on the table."
Nodoka took the envelope and opened it. Pulling out the piece of
paper, she read quickly, the look on her face unchanging. "You old
fool," she said quietly. "You can't defeat the Empire. And you most
definitely can't skip out on my alimony payments with such a feeble
excuse."
Nodoka looked up at Kasumi. "I think we need to have a little
discussion about Obi Wan. He's my ex-husband."
*** ***
After several minutes of conversation, Nodoka looked at R2-HT.
"So you have a message for my worthless ex-husband? Why don't you show
it to me. Half of what he owns is mine anyway."
R2 gave a droid nod and without any jammed tools, played the
message with the princess.
"Yo, I'm Ranma Saotome and I got a couple messages for General
Kenobi. Anyways, you were a big guy in the Clone Wars, and a Jedi
Knight, and all that, so I figured you'd be able to help. I got these
secret plans on Project J that are vital to the Rebellion, but there's
this honkin' big Star Destroyer blowin' my ship to bits, so I'm not
gonna be able to deliver em. I stashed em in this droid, so if ya could
deliver em to my Pop, the King of Nerima Prime, you'd be doing us all a
big favor. Sorry bout this, Obi Wan Kenobi, you're the only one who
lives near here that I can trust."
The message ended there.
"That was interesting." Nodoka turned to look at Kasumi. "Kasumi,
do you have some vacation time built up?"
Kasumi blinked. "Excuse me?"
"Well, since my worthless ex has once again skipped town on some
damn-fool crusade, it's up to me to deliver this droid to the Alliance.
And if I'm going to travel, I might as well have someone to talk to."
"But I can't go," Kasumi said, totally bewildered. "Father needs
me here on the..."
Nodoka shook her head. "You're Soun Tendo's daughter, aren't
you?"
Kasumi nodded. "Do you know father?"
"He and I go way back. We fought in the Clone Wars together."
"Clone Wars? But father told me that he was the navigator on a
spice freighter!" Kasumi could practically feel the careful boundaries
of her life breaking down. Nodoka Kenobi's words were bulldozers
heading for the shoddy building of her day-to-day routine, and she had
an unpleasant suspicion that lying down in front of them would just get
her run over.
"He was, dear. But spice freighters get mistaken for troop
transports when there's a war on, especially when they specialize in
running blockades. Your father was a cunning pilot, a brave warrior,
and a good friend."
She tried to picture her father as a cunning pilot or a brave
warrior. No dice. "What, my father? Soun Tendo?"
Nodoka sighed. "I know. He wasn't always like that. He was a
different man in the old days."
"What happened?" Kasumi had often wondered why her father was
so... well... wishy-washy.
"He was in training to become a Jedi Knight," Nodoka said sadly.
"He had incredible promise, too. Unfortunately, he challenged one of
Obi Wan's pupils who was turning to the Dark Side of the Force, and got
the crap beat out of him. The poor lad just wasn't ready, and it left
his spirit shattered. We had hoped that your mother would help him
recover, but then there was that freak nerf herding accident..."
"Oh my. The Force?"
"Yes. The Force is... well..." Nodoka frowned, and flicked her
hand. To Kasumi's vast surprise, a fairly-clean cup on a low table
floated over to the kitchen, rinsed itself out in the sink, and
proceeded to be filled with wine from a newly airborne bottle. "Obi Wan
always spouted a lot of philosophical gibberish about it holding the
universe together, but I mostly find that it saves a lot of bother.
Your father used to be quite good at it."
"Oh. Imagine that," said Kasumi weakly.
"You'd better learn it too, if you're coming to Nerima with me."
Somewhat feebly, Kasumi shook her head. "But father... I don't
know how he'd manage..."
"Soun Tendo," Nodoka said sternly, "got me and four other people
through the Hellswamps of Bogleg V with a broken collarbone, rabid Mogs
stalking us day and night, and most of the food in the area poisonous,
carnivorous, or both. Are you honestly trying to tell me he can't take
care of himself in a well-stocked house? I think he's been pampered too
much."
Kasumi tried and failed to picture Soun dealing with whatever a
rabid Mog was. Still, the woman had a point. Maybe what her father
really needed was to fend for himself a bit.
And besides....
She was bored. Her life was stretching out ahead of her, and it
looked from here like living and dying on the familiar, grubby, boring
old moisture farm.
Kasumi didn't crave excitement. But even she needed a change. A
vacation, if nothing else.
And this Force thing... think of how nice it would be to let the
dishes do themselves...
"Okay," she said finally, a giddy little thrill of excitement
running through her. "I suppose it would be nice to see this...
Nerima?"
Nodoka smiled. "That's the spirit! You'll make a fine Jedi, I
know you will. Speaking of which..." Rummaging around in her brownish
kimono, she handed a complex-looking metal cylinder to Kasumi. "Your
father probably would be horrified to see you have this, but back in
the old days he would have been all for it."
Curiously, Kasumi peered at it. "What does it do?"
"It was your father's lightdon't PUSH THAT!"
Kasumi yelped as a slightly curved beam of orange light leaped
from the handle, neatly turning a sofa into two one-armed chairs.
"Your father's lightkatana. It cuts through things very well,
you'll find. Light-blades are the traditional weapons of the Jedi;
partly because of their utility, partly because of their precision, but
mostly because they look really impressive."
Hastily, Kasumi switched off the beam. "Whatever _is_ a Jedi, Ms.
Kenobi?"
Nodoka rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "From what I've seen, it's a
person who makes sure the galaxy is kept tidy, happy, and harmonious."
Kasumi brightened. Substitute the word 'house' for 'galaxy', and
that sounded a lot like what she did every day. "Are you one?"
"Opinions," Nodoka said evenly, "differ on that point." Turning
crisply, she began to pace. "Now. Our first priority is to get the
droids to Nerima. Do you know the way to Mos Eisley, Kasumi?"
"I can probably find it," said Kasumi, with the cheerful optimism
of someone who enjoys driving far more than arriving.
"That's settled, then! We can find a transport there." Nodoka
glanced around the tiny hut. "Where did your other, louder droid go?
"KN0? I had him guard the door." Actually, she had decided that
if Ben Kenobi did turn out to be home, C-KN0 might grate on his nerves.
He would grate on her nerves if she had any.
*** ***
Seen from a distance, the Death Star didn't look very impressive.
It looked, in fact, like a small moon.
Get closer, and you notice the fact that it's made of metal.
Suddenly, it becomes very, very, very impressive indeed.
The Empire likes impressive.
Captain Kuonji reflected on this fact as she oversaw the close-
orbit procedures for the Imperial Star Destroyer _Spatulator_, her new
command. Any Star Destroyer assigned to ferrying around Darth Vader
went through officers at a prodigious rate; it was only good luck that
Commander Ukyou Kuonji was not only high enough on the ladder to become
the new captain, but low enough to become the new captain at the very
end of the cruise.
Currently, she and the other officers on the bridge were intently
watching a certain shuttle prepare to depart the main hangar bay.
After entirely too long a wait, it did.
The bridge spontaneously erupted in a cheer, and Ukyou grabbed
the communications officer and waltzed him around the command pit for a
minute. Darth Vader had left the good ship _Spatulator_, and was now
officially Someone Else's Problem.
Flopping into her command chair, she picked up the intercom.
"*Attention all hands, this is the Captain. Lord Vader has departed the
ship. We'll be refueling and picking up supplies, and then departing
for the Galos system to investigate suspected Rebel activity. Any mail
home should be handed to the postmaster in the next hour. That is
all.*"
She gave a satisfied sigh and happily surveyed the bridge. The
past few days had been a nightmare - but it had been well worth it. Her
very own command - not a patrol cruiser or a supply hauler, but a
sleek, massive Imperial Star Destroyer bristling with turbolasers. A
girl could do some real damage with a ship like this.
Not that they'd ever give a girl command. Which was why she had
carefully concealed the fact that she was female by binding her chest
and deepening her voice. It was hard to look feminine in an Imperial
uniform anyway.
It had involved a lot of sacrifices... renouncing her femininity,
devoting every waking hour towards honing her command skills, learning
how to use a men's urinal without embarrassing herself. But it was
worth it. She wanted to do her part to crush the Rebellion and bring
the galaxy firmly under the New Order. Her part, as she saw it, was the
position of Grand Admiral.
She hadn't always been such a anti-Rebel stalwart. But that was
before her engagement was broken by that damn royal bastard, who's lot
was promptly thrown in with the Alliance. Ukyou had been humiliated,
rejected, spurned. Once the New Order was in total control, that sort
of thing wouldn't be allowed. She'd show them. She'd show them all.
The bridge doors opened, and Ukyou's heart nearly stopped as a
deathly hush fell over the room. No, it couldn't be, he had left...
"Captain Kuonji, why isn't my shuttle ready?"
Oh. Him.
"Well, Lord Ono, I'm sure it's just waiting for you to board,"
she said politely. It always paid to be polite to Dark Jedi.
"I was told it would be waiting in Bay 5 to transfer me and my
prisoner to the Death Star. Bay 5 is empty."
Ukyou quickly glanced at the bay readout display on the opposite
wall. "There must be a mistake, Lord Ono. Your shuttle's in Bay 23."
"I was told Bay 5," the black-armored figure said petulantly.
Ukyou valiantly managed to keep a straight face.
"There must have been an error. I'll find out who it was and have
them shot."
"Thank you, Captain. Most thoughtful." There was a tone of
pleasant surprise in the Sith Lord's voice. Usually, people didn't
bother to do such a good imitation of respect.
"Would you like an escort to your ship, Lord Ono?"
"Hmm? No, thank you. Bay 23?"
"Yes, Lord."
"Right. Carry on, Captain."
As soon as the doors closed, Ukyou grabbed the comm unit. "Bay
23? Lord Ono's coming down. Get that ship ready for flight before he
gets there."
"* Damnit, you could have given us a bit more warning... *"
"Don't talk back to your Captain."
"*Yessir.*"
Ukyou smirked, and gazed happily at the viewscreen. She had a new
ship, a fairly decent crew, a purpose in life, and Rebel scum to crush
under her heel. Life was good.
*** ***
Kasumi slammed on the brakes as the speeder emerged from a
canyon. "I think that's Mos Eisley, Ms. Kenobi."
Slowly, carefully, Nodoka forced her hands to let go of the arms
of her seat. "Yes... yes, it is, dear. Kasumi?"
"Yes, Ms. Kenobi?"
"Just Nodoka, please. Was it really necessary to break the sound
barrier in that narrow, twisty, long canyon.?"
Surprised, Kasumi blinked. "It did shave a few seconds off our
time."
"It also shaved a millimeter of paint off the starboard side."
"Oh dear. I suppose I'll have to repaint that."
On the rear luggage rack, C-KN0's circuits recovered from the
ride. "Zounds! Mine noble body was almost smashed to flinders!"
"Yes, but we're away from the sandpeople now," Kasumi told him
soothingly. She stared at the city ahead. "What sort of place is Mos
Eisley?"
"My husband always called it a wretched hive of scum and
villany," Nodoka said.
"Oh dear," said Kasumi worriedly.
"That just means they stopped giving him credit in the bars." The
older woman snorted, and patted Kasumi on the back. "It's a lot like
any other spaceport; dirty, unsanitary, and amoral. Not a place you
enjoy visiting, but perfectly suitable to get a ship in."
"But are any of the people in it dangerous?"
"Well, since I'm going in, there'll be at least one." Nodoka
fingered the handle of her lightkatana and smiled grimly. "Back in the
old days, I used to clean up places like this all the time. That was
how I met Obi Wan, in fact."
"Oh," asked Kasumi. "He helped you bring order to the lawless
cities?"
"No, he was usually drinking in one of them, and tried to stop
me."
"Oh."
"I refuse to enter that vile sewer!" C-KN0 said from the rear,
voice dripping with disgust. "It undoubtedly contains Jawas and even
worse vermin!"
"Then we can leave you here and go deliver the message
ourselves," said Nodoka sadly, winking at Kasumi. "And gain the honor
and glory that comes with such a noble...."
"LEAD ON!" boomed the droid. "I shall complete the mission laid
upon me by the pig-tailed princess!"
"Oh dear," Kasumi whispered, "Wouldn't it have been easier to
leave him behind?"
"A good translator droid is worth a tidy sum," Nodoka returned,
"And we're probably going to need an interpreter at least once on this
trip. If nothing else, he'll probably make good blaster fodder." She
glanced once more at the rather unattractive bulk of the spaceport.
"Take us in, Kasumi. A bit slower, though, if you please."
*** ***
They were only a few feet inside the city when the stormtroopers
flagged them down.
"Good morning, officer!" said Kasumi brightly. "Can we help you?"
The patrol leader, who had recently had his brain merrily fiddled
with by a somewhat careless Ben Kenobi, blinked at her behind his
helmet. "These aren't the droids we're loo... um. I mean, I'm going to
need to see some ownership papers on those two mechanicals, Miss."
"Oh dear," Kasumi said worriedly. "Whatever for?"
"He can go about his... that is, there's these two droids wanted
by the Empire. An R2 unit, and a protocol droid. In fact, exactly like
those two there. Got those papers?"
"Well, no..."
The patrol leader motioned, and four blaster rifles were raised
to a ready position. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to place you under
Imperial arrest. Put your hands over your heads and exit the vehicle."
"What? You dare detain us from delivering secret plans to the
Rebellion on behalf of the beauteous Princess?" said C-KN0
incredulously.
Kasumi winced. R2-HT bleeped frantically at his counterpart.
Nodoka shut her eyes, mumbled a few unladylike words, and concentrated
for a second, then turned to face the lead trooper with a severe
expression. "Young man, we're in a hurry. There's nothing for you to do
here. Both of us are obviously respectable women, and these aren't the
droids you're looking for."
"These aren't the droids we're..." The patrol leader stopped and
shook his head to clear the mental fuzz. "Look, that protocol bot just
admitted that he's affiliated with the Rebellion, and those things are
to stupid to lie. You aren't fooling anyone."
"Stupid? STUPID!" screamed KN0. "Someone untie me so that I might
smite this ill-bredzzzzz...." His voice faded into garbled static as
R2-HT once again put his electric prod to good use.
Nodoka fixed the patrol leader with a nasty glare, and he winced.
Despite the squad of troopers behind him, he was actually beginning to
feel intimidated. And that odd headache wasn't getting any better; he
had recently spent half an hour telling a rock to move along, for
reasons which escaped him at the moment.
"Young man," Nodoka said dangerously, "you let us through right
this minute. Or else."
Reluctantly, the patrol leader shook his head. "Sorry, but you're
obviously the ones we're looking for. Now, get out of the speeder and
put yourAAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Kasumi stared in amazement as the troopers screamed in unison and
fell to the ground clutching their heads. Then, being a sensible sort,
she gunned the engine and burned repulsorlift into the bustle of the
spaceport.
"What on earth did you do to them?" Kasumi asked as she drove,
carefully missing a wide-eyed fruit merchant by a good two centimeters.
Nodoka smiled mysteriously. "The Force is a powerful ally,
Kasumi."
The girl blinked, narrowly missing a band of screaming Jawas. "Oh
my. Did you melt their minds? Overload their neural synapses? Show them
horrible things?"
"No, I just tuned their helmet radios to the local Loud Music
station and turned the volume up to maximum." Nodoka glanced around.
"Turn left here, Kasumi... try not to hit the..! look out for that..! I
think you can slow down just a bit, dear. We're going to need to hire a
private ship; I'd hoped to simply buy tickets on a transport, but those
stormtroopers are going to be looking for us as soon as their ears stop
bleeding."
"Should we find a disreputable spacer bar, then?" asked Kasumi,
who watched _The Adventures Of Lance Starkiller_ every Thursday night
on the Holonet. Nodoka frowned.
"Only if you want a disreputable spacer. Really, dear, that's the
sort of thing Obi Wan would do. We're going to a nice clean ice cream
parlor."
"Starpilots hang out in ice cream parlors?" asked Kasumi weakly.
"The ones who like ice cream do," Nodoka replied. "They're
usually the ones who don't drink, don't gamble, and don't have drug
flashbacks while trying to make the calculations for a hyperspace
jump."
*** ***
The Mos Eisley Ice Cream Shoppe was perhaps the most reputable
place in the spaceport. That being said, half the clientele would just
as soon kill you as look at you.
It was, in fact, due only due to the universal Ice Cream Shoppish
aura of niceness that the body count was on average only three a week.
It was hard to have a proper brawl in a place with lace curtains and a
faint lavender odor.
Jimbo the Destroyer, burner of Gephart III and terror of the
spaceways, was in a corner booth blissfully chugging a double chocolate
malted. He might have had the death penalty in twenty-three systems and
the worse-than-death penalty in a dozen more, but the pirate chief did
love a good ice cream. Especially the kind with the little candy
sprinkles on top.
It was that sort of place.
Kasumi sat at the bar and daintily ate a dish of Ubervanilla
Surprise, waiting for Nodoka to finish her inquires. She hoped that no-
one else would have to get cut in half like that. Such a mess...
A multi-tentacled lifeform next to her made a few pick-up lines,
which she fortunately didn't understand a word of. C-KN0 was outside, a
decision on Nodoka's part which had probably prevented a riot. Kasumi
smiled pleasantly at the amorous tentacle thing, and absently made
smalltalk.
"Kasumi, dear? I think I might have found a ship."
She looked over to see Nodoka standing next to a large, furry
humanoid with a yellow-and-black bandoleer draped across a chest
reminiscent of a badly-made rug.
"This is Chawbaka. He's the first mate on a ship that's in our
price range and has acceptable standards of hygiene."
The huge creature made a noise like a grizzly yodeling, and
offered her a massive paw to shake. Kasumi automatically shook it. "Oh
my. I'm Kasumi Tendo."
"Chawbaka's a Wookiee," Nodoka commented approvingly. "Very
honorable beings, and generally skillful navigators. We should do well
with him."
The Wookiee made an embarrassed noise, and ushered them over to a
table occupied by a young woman and three empty sundae dishes. "Who've
you got here, Chawbaka?"
Nodoka gave her a winning smile. "Nodoka Kenobi. Are you the
captain's daughter?"
The young woman gave her a scowl that would have made a Rancor
turn pale and run. "No. I'm the Captain. Akane Soro. Got a problem with
that?"
The Wookiee made an ominous noise deep in his throat.
"Not at all," Nodoka lied smoothly. "We'd like to hire your
ship."
Akane's face brightened. "Wow, really? You do?" She coughed, and
assumed a nonchalant expression. "Of course you do."
Kasumi smiled somewhat dubiously. "It is a fast ship, right?" She
had never traveled in space before, but she did have definite views on
how fast moving vehicles should be. Namely, capable of severely bending
any silly speed limits imposed by towns, systems, or natural law.
"A fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the _Impudent
Hedgehog_?" Akane asked, doing a very credible imitation of disbelief.
"Not really," Kasumi replied politely. "I'm fairly sure I would
have remembered a name like that."
Akane gamely rallied. "It's the ship that made the Frozboz Run!"
Kasumi waited for a few seconds for the young smuggler to
continue, and then asked the obvious question. "In under...?"
Squirming, Akane chuckled weakly. "Well, see, there were these
TIE fighters, and they were being real jerks, so we had to stop and
blast them... and then the second fighter wing started shooting at us,
so we had to spend time on them, and then the Interdictor Cruiser
showed up..." She trailed off. "Well, it would have been real fast if
the bakayarou Star Destroyer hadn't shot off the sensor dish."
"How much for passage to Nerima?" Nodoka cut in. "Just us, and
two droids."
Akane shrugged. "Ten thousand should cover it. Up front."
"One thousand now, eleven when we get to Nerima," Nodoka
countered.
"Good enough," Akane replied, looking vaguely surprised. "Meet
you at docking bay 69 in a little over an hour, okay?"
Nodoka nodded. "Excellent. Come along, Kasumi."
As the two left, Akane grinned at her first mate. "Twelve
thousand, C-Chan! Twelve! And I was expecting them to bargain down to
five!"
Chawbaka growled a delighted agreement.
Akane glared at him. "And this time, _I_ set the coordinates for
the hyperspace jump." She rolled her eyes. "'Wookiees are excellent
astronavigators'. Yeah, right. This is just going to pay off the Hutt
for delivering that highly-perishable shipment of Mutti fruit two
months late due to _someone_ plotting a course to the opposite end of
the galaxy we were supposed to go in."
The Wookiee whimpered pathetically, and Akane patted him kindly
on the back. "I didn't mean it like that, C-Chan. Just let me handle
the navigation, okay?"
"Going somewhele, Solo?"
Akane irritably looked up at the Rodian who had just sat down
across for her. "Not really. What do you want?"
"The Hutt is vely unhappy, Solo." A blaster appeared in a green
hand. "He wants his money."
"I've got it, I've got it," Akane said cheerfully, her hand
slowly moving towards the horrendously overpowered blaster on the seat
next to her. "Plus a little extra."
"Let's see it, then."
"I haven't got it _on_ me..." The blaster was almost in her grip.
"Too bad, Solo. If you'le vely lucky, Jabba will only take youl
ship."
Akane snarled, hand closing around her gun. "Over my dead..." She
blinked. "Jabba?"
"Yes," the Rodian snapped, "Jabba the Hutt."
"I owe Akri the Hutt. I've never done business with Jabba."
The alien blinked. "Alen't you Han Solo?"
Akane sighed and let go of the blaster. "No, I'm Akane Soro."
"But the soda guy said... you've got a Wookiee and evelything..."
"Baka."
"Rrrrow?"
"Not you, C-Chan." Akane glared that the bewildered hitman.
"Look, 'Han' is a male name. Do I look male to you?"
"Hald to tell with humans..."
"And it's Soro, not Solo. So-RO."
Looking as sheepish as its possible for a anthropomorphic green
giraffe to look, the Rodian stood. "Solly. I don't suppose you have any
idea where...?"
"Try the Cantina. That pervert's usually in there when he stops
by this miserable rock."
"Light. Thanks." The bounty hunter slunk off.
Shaking her head, Akane finished her last sundae. "C'mon, C-Chan.
Let's prep the Hedgehog."
The two strode purposefully out of the Ice Cream Shoppe.
"No, Chawbaka, this way."
"Arrrrough?"
"THIS WAY. Pay attention."
"Urr-hurgh."
"No, your OTHER left."
"Urr."
*** ***
Kasumi walked into Docking Bay 69 and stared.
There have been sleek, elegant ships. There have been blocky,
solid, durable ships. There have been lean, pointed, menacing ships.
And then there are lovable, beat-up, ragtag freighters oozing
with character.
The _Impudent Hedgehog_ wasn't any of these. It was a ship that
had been built from the remains of two different craft, blown to bits,
patched up with the remains of yet a third, and carrying spare parts
from at least a dozen other vessels. Most of the spare parts looked
like guns of some sort.
Kasumi was far too polite a person to say things like "What a
piece of junk!", "That thing actually flies? No, really?", or "I'm not
going anywhere near that deathtrap."
"Oh dear," she faintly commented.
C-KN0, who had no such politeness, said all three in rapid
succession before Kasumi hit the restraining bolt.
"It may not look like much," Akane began, somewhat inaccurately
from Kasumi's point of view. It looked like three dozen ships too much.
"But it... er... well, it flies, okay?" Stepping out from behind a
landing strut, the smuggler motioned to a combination boarding ramp/SU-
23 Gatling Plasma Ejector. "Right this way, watch your feet, don't step
on the arming mechanisms."
Nodoka nodded. "Right. Come on, dear."
And that's when the platoon of slightly deaf and very angry
stormtroopers showed up.
"Blast them!" roared the platoon leader.
"Come again?"
"Blast them!"
"Er, could you speak up, Sir? My hearing's still a bit off."
Akane, who had excellent hearing, began to shoot them.
"Oh dear," mumbled Kasumi, and ran like hell up the ramp. Nodoka
and the droids followed, with Akane crouching on the closing ramp and
firing wildly until it shut.
"C-Chan, get us out of here!"
There was the -plink- of blaster fire bouncing off the closed
hull. Akane snarled, and raced for the cockpit.
"They shot at my ship! C-Chan, use the antipersonnel blasters we
put in last week."
"What should we do?" asked Kasumi, taking a seat on a rather
battered ammunition drum.
"Just strap yourself in while we take off," Akane called back,
cheerfully pushing buttons.
Nodoka smiled reassuringly at her new student. "You might want to
hold onto that strap, dear."
*** ***
The platoon leader knew that there wasn't much point in firing
hand blasters at a spaceship, but he did it anyway. The thing didn't
look terribly sturdy, and it would look pretty stupid if he just stood
there and did nothing.
He started to worry when the little nozzles popped out of fifteen
places on the hull.
The worry turned to panic when superheated engine plasma boiled
out of them. But not for very long.
*** ***
The inhabitants of Mos Eisley looked up in mild interest as a
spacecraft gracefully rocketed out of a landing pit, leaving the echoes
of blasterfire behind.
A minute later, they hit the dirt as a landing bay on the other
side of town exploded in a superheated fireball, out of which drunkenly
rose the _Impudent Hedgehog_.
Inside, Akane Soro gripped the controls, smiled like a madwoman,
and zoomed out of the ionosphere at full throttle.
The smile wavered slightly as she noticed the two Imperial-Class
Star Destroyers heading straight for her.
"C-Chan, start making the calculations for the jump to
hyperspace." This was going to be tricky... but she could do it! She
knew she could do it! She was just as good a pilot as anyone!
Angling sharply, she brought the Hedgehog in fast, zooming
straight between the two huge warships, the forward guns spitting
laserfire. Hopefully, they'd limit their fire for fear of hitting their
sister ship.
The Hedgehog streaked safely through the gap, and Akane opened
her mouth to give a yell of triumph. Then she realized something.
They hadn't shot at her.
Blinking, she checked the rear scanner. They weren't even giving
chase. No, they were chasing some old Corellian freighter, instead.
Frowning, Akane whipped the Hedgehog around and fired a quick
burst at the control tower of the closer Star Destroyer.
Nothing. Not even a single return burst of turbolaser fire. They
were ignoring her.
Akane growled. Chawbaka, who knew that growl, whimpered and
hastily began to route power to the deflectors and navicomputer.
*** ***
Admiral Gaffnie paced the bridge of the Star Destroyer
_Vigilant_, glaring at the Corellian just outside of turbolaser range.
"Faster, Captain. They're getting away."
The Captain opened his mouth to say something, when the bridge
shuddered.
"What was that?" asked the Admiral sharply. The Captain shrugged.
"There's a small smuggler craft strafing the bridge, sir. Should
we return fire?"
Gaffnie blinked. "Small?"
"Slightly larger than a starfighter, sir."
"Does it pose a threat?"
The Captain chuckled nervously. "Against our deflectors? One
freighter? Hardly."
Shaking his head, the Admiral made a dismissing gesture. "Ignore
it. We're after that Corellian."
*** ***
"AAAAARGH! Star Destroyer no BAKA!"
"Rrrought?"
"Not you."
"Urrgh."
Akane grit her teeth and swung around for another pass. This
time, the gloves came off.
"Is something wrong?" asked Kasumi, walking into the cockpit. She
had heard a great deal of weapon fire and swearing, two things that
probably didn't bode well.
"Two Imperial Star Destroyers," Akane snapped tersely. "And
another two coming in from far orbit. They won't shoot at us."
"Oh," Kasumi said, relieved. "That's good."
"I hate it when they hold back!"
Kasumi looked out the cockpit window. She wasn't as experienced
in spaceflight as she was in skyhoppers and landspeeders, but she could
recognize an attack run when she saw one. And she could recognize a
Star Destroyer, too.
"Ah... Akane? Captain Soro? That's... oh dear, are you going
to... oh my. Nodoka? Ms. Kenobi?"
Muttering, the matronly Jedi unstrapped herself and walked into
the cockpit. "Now Kasumi, don't bother Captain SorOh my God...."
The Impudent Hedgehog zoomed straight for the bulk of the massive
Imperial warship.
*** ***
Admiral Gaffnie dropped his cup of tea as he watched the tiny
ship zoom straight for the bridge. No-one could possibly be stupid
enough to attack a Star Destroyer at close range. Even most rocks were
smarter than that.
He opened his mouth to give the order to fire, then remembered
the importance of the Corellian freighter. If their partner was willing
to make a suicide run in order to distract the fleet, then it had to be
pretty important.
Besides, even at point blank range, a ship that size couldn't
possible do any damage. It'd need a Ion-Thermite bomb just to get
through the bridge deflectors.
*** ***
"BAKABAKABAKABAKABAKABAKA!" yelled Akane, holding down the tiny
red button labeled "All the guns".
"Pull up, you little idiot!" Nodoka screamed. Akane continued her
run. Ignore her, would they?
When she was almost on top of the bridge tower, she thumbed the
big red button. The one labeled "Ion-Thermite bomb".
*** ***
Admiral Gaffnie stared in disbelief at the deflector indicators.
How many guns did that junkheap have, anyway? Three X-Wings wouldn't
have been able to cause so much damage...
He had just enough time to see the bomb appear on the tactical
scopes before it hit.
The Admiral was thrown to the deck, the bridge exploding around
him. Gingerly, he struggled to a sitting position, assured himself that
the hull was still (if barely) intact, and smiled grimly. Even a Ion-
Thermite bomb couldn't take out the bridge of a Star Destroyer in one
shot.
Then Akane dropped the second one.
*** ***
"What's that flashing?"
"We're losing our deflector shield! Go strap yourself in, I'm
going to make the jump to light speed!"
Odd, Han thought, a second before he made the jump. It almost
looked as if the bridge tower of the trailing Star Destroyer was on
fire.
Nah.
*** ***
"HAHAHA! Take that!"
Akane and Chawbaka exchanged high-fives as the tower of the
_Vigilant_ exploded.
"GET US OUT OF HERE!" Nodoka screamed.
"Relax, lady," Akane said soothingly. "The idiots are
concentrating on that... uh-oh..."
The Corellian gone, all three remaining Star Destroyers were
heading directly for the _Impudent Hedgehog_.
"C-Chan, get us out of here! Now!"
The Wookiee glanced out the viewport, yelped, and redoubled his
efforts at the navicomputer. Turbolaser fire from the incoming ships
sizzled past, occasionally grazing the Hedgehog's deflectors shields.
"Grab your cooking utensils and hold on," Akane warned. No doubt
these two women had never been on a REAL ship before, traveling at
light speed. The shock alone might kill them. Couple of housewives out
for a very expensive joyride... Sheesh.
Plopping back down in her own seat and buckling herself in, Akane
glanced over quickly at Chawbaka and, without waiting for his consent,
sent the ship into hyperdrive.
It was a familiar, yet strange sensation that Akane never quite
got used to. She was forced back in her chair a little as the jump
started, keeping her hand poised to drop them out after the short time
required for the jump.
She smiled secretively to herself, figuring the two women were
probably ready to run to the head from the experience.
"Excuse me, Captain Soro?"
Akane almost jumped out of her boots at the sound of Kasumi's
voice. She turned to see the young woman standing behind her with a
plate of cookies, smiling.
"Would you like a cookie? They're homemade."
Akane simply stared then shook her head. "No thanks. You should
probably sit back down. We're about to drop out of hyperspace."
"Of course. You're the captain, after all." Kasumi giggled in the
most inane way.
Before she could leave, Chawbaka reached out and grabbed a
handful of the cookies, earning him a nasty glare from Akane. He
shrugged and stuffed a few in his mouth, growling a full-mouthed thank
you.
"You're most welcome," Kasumi answered, smiling, then returned to
the pile of junk she had been sitting on. "What a polite young
Wookiee," she said to Nodoka.
"A most unusual sight, but not unheard of." She leaned over so
she could whisper to Kasumi. "Have you noticed the way it looks at
Captain Soro?"
Kasumi nodded.
"Young love, even between species, will often tame the wildest of
beasts." It had almost worked with Obi Wan... Kasumi nodded, though
she didn't really understand what Nodoka was getting at. Sitting
quietly as the ship shuddered around her, Kasumi looked down at the
cookies and pondered the entire journey.
All because those Jawas had given her the two droids and that
silly hologram and Obi Wan Kenobi... Then it suddenly hit her. Young
love. Between species.
"Oh my," she said quietly. That was most improper. And Captain
Soro seemed to be such a nice, if fairly irreverent, girl. She
shouldn't be...
"Dear, why are your cheeks so red? Are you sitting too close to
the heating ducts?" Nodoka asked.
Kasumi shook her head, blushing furiously. Wookiees were so...
furry!
Nodoka put her hand on Kasumi's forehead. "Are you sure you're
not ill, dear? Your face is..."
"No, no. Really, I'm fine. Um, would you like a cookie?" she
offered, trying to turn the subject away from anything pink.
On the other side of the compartment, where R2-HT was wedged
against the wall by what looked to be the cooling mechanism from a
shield generator, the small droid bleeped.
Nodoka looked over at it and smiled. "You certainly are a
friendly droid. When did you get programmed with protocol?"
C-KN0, gray-taped up next to R2, snorted. "I think you have the
wrong droid, fair madam. He was not referring to the blush of her
cheeks, but the color of her..."
*Zot!*
Kasumi put away the control for the restraining bolt, unused
since R2 had taken care of things. "Thank you, R2."
Nodoka, shaking her head slowly, looked away from the droids.
Kasumi was a nice enough young lady, but those droids... She wasn't
sure what to make of them yet. The little one seemed nice, but there
was an underlying, almost infernal, glow about it's sensor that gave
her the creeps... er, made her Jedi abilities wary.
"Dropping out of hyperspace now," Akane warned them. And drop out
they did. It felt like all their internal organs were trying to exit
through their pores, and there was a severe lurching sensation.
Recovering slowly, Kasumi had to ask, "Dropping out of hyperspace
is quite jarring, isn't it?"
Akane's voice sounded embarrassed. "Well, no. That was the engine
doing a little... space backfire. Chawbaka was supposed to take care of
that last week." She shot the Wookiee another glare and unbuckled
herself from her seat.
She turned to look at the two women. "We're out. It's safe to
walk around now; we should be coming up on Nerima Prime momentarily."
Nodoka and Kasumi untied themselves, as there were no real belts
for passengers and they were restrained by thick coils of spare wires.
At least, they hoped they were spare wires.
Kasumi had just begun to free R2-HT when the ship shook around
them, sending a shower of bolts, nuts, bits of wire, rust and some
unidentified liquid down on top of them.
"Damn it, C-Chan! I thought I told you to take care of that!"
Akane yelled. "I don't want another fire sweeping through the ship
again!"
Kasumi and Nodoka exchanged fearful glances, with R2 making a
fearful whistle.
"I beg of you, release me from these bindings!" C-KN0 asked,
struggling against the tape, covered with bits of debris. "How ignoble
for myself to be consumed by fire, covered in filth aboard an unsafe
death trap!"
Akane ignored the commotion from behind her and was running
through the series of emergency switches. "C-Chan, why aren't any of
the damage control units working? I don't want to have to rely on the
backup systems."
Chawbaka made a plaintive growl as he hit his own panel of
switches, all flashing red at the moment. He slammed his fist down on
the panel and was rewarded with a gout of sparks and the red lights
going out. At least they were out.
"Not again! I told you to stop doing that!" Akane yelled as
sparks shot all over the place. "Great! Now what are we..."
Her voice was cut off as the ship shook again, almost throwing
her from her seat. "What IS that?"
"Could it be from those large hunks of interstellar rubble flying
at us?" Nodoka asked, peering between the seats out the large viewing
window.
Akane looked back at her, then out the window as well. Sure
enough, there were asteroids flying right at them. The fact that they
had only been hit by a few of them was miraculous. But that miracle was
lost on a suddenly serious Captain Akane Soro.
"Get back there and settle in why we get out of this mess," she
commanded and re-buckled herself in. "I'll handle this myself," Akane
said, her eyes taking on an almost maniacal glint.
Nodoka briefly considered knocking the young captain out and
letting the more level-headed Wookiee take care of things, but things
hadn't gotten too desperate. Yet.
Returning to the back and reclaiming her seat, she warned Kasumi,
"It's probably best that you return to your seat, Kasumi. We seem to be
in a spot of trouble."
"Oh dear!"
Spinning and weaving and turning on a dime (even in space), and
generally making everyone on board ill, Akane maneuvered them out of
the mysterious asteroid belt without further incident.
Smiling smugly, she wiped her forehead on the back of her arm and
released the safety harness. "We're out. It's safe again."
Nodoka, slowly regaining her equilibrium, muttered, "I doubt
that."
When the two passengers joined Akane and Chawbaka at the front,
they were all looking out at the asteroids they had just escaped.
Chawbaka was shaking his head, trying not to look guilty, while Akane
appeared thoughtful.
"What's happened to Nerima Prime?" Kasumi asked.
"That's a pretty good question. Maybe..." Looking at the
asteroids, the most horrible thought came to her mind. "Oh no. The
Empire probably had something to do with this," she said through
clenched teeth.
"Whatever are you speaking of?" Nodoka asked, her feeling to put
the captain down getting stronger.
Chawbaka growled and looked at the destroyed panel, no longer
emitting sparks. He really didn't want to call attention to him.
"The Empire... What if these asteroids ARE Nerima Prime? What if
the Empire has some huge new super-weapon that's able to destroy entire
planets? What if they came here before we did and destroyed it, killing
everyone?"
Nodoka and Kasumi both looked at her, horrified. Then Nodoka's
expression changed and she couldn't hide the smile that started to
appear.
Kasumi, for her part, was a bit more reserved and resisted the
temptation, but when Nodoka started to snicker, she couldn't help
herself.
Suddenly, both women broke into laughter, making Akane scowl at
them.
"What's so funny?" she asked, obviously perturbed at their
reaction.
"My dear, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, and
being married to Obi Wan Kenobi, I've heard some pretty ridiculous
things." She wiped the tears from her face and continued to snicker.
"Super-weapon... You really know how to lighten a dreadful journey up,"
she praised.
Akane's eye twitched, and her hands clenched into fists.
"Dreadful? Is that some sort of..."
She was cut off again as Nodoka's laughter started again, Kasumi
still giggling. Even Chawbaka started it, despite trying very hard not
to.
Akane glared at the women, then over at Chawbaka. "This is all
your fault!" she yelled, then punched the hapless Wookiee.
Chawbaka's head rocked to the side and crashed into another
panel, caving it in. That served to make Akane more upset. "Ooh. Why do
I even BOTHER?" She stormed from the cockpit area to go smash
something.
It was clearly audible from where the rest of the flesh and blood
beings were.
"Such beauty and grace, even whilst covered in the clothing of a
common spaceport beggar. Your boyish beauty rivals that even of the
pig-tailed princess. I must translate for thee!"
"WHAT did you just call ME? Boyish beauty?"
"Why yes. Your clothing hides your feminine charms, and the filth
you insist on covering yourself is unbecoming of a true lady..."
There was the sound of something breaking. Then again. And again.
The laughter quickly died after that. No one wanted to face the
awful wrath of Captain Soro.
A few minutes later, after apparently everything had calmed down,
Akane reappeared. She had bits of wire stuck in her hair and a faint
gold smudge on her right hand. She didn't look very happy, but she
didn't look ready to kill anyone either.
"All right. Where does navigation say we are?" she asked briskly.
Chawbaka looked at a non-broken panel then rattled off something
only a Wookiee or an elephant with a stuffed nose would understand.
Sighing, Akane closed her eyes. "Chawbaka. Never again. Do you
understand?"
Kasumi looked at the almost embarrassed look on the Wookiee's
face, then at Akane's rather resigned face. "What's happened? Where's
Nerima Prime gone?"
"Nowhere apparently."
"Nowhere? Well it's not here," Nodoka said. She could feel the
start of a headache coming on.
"Right. Nerima is right where it should be. It's just that...
we're not at Nerima Prime."
Nodoka closed her eyes and opened them several times, trying to
wake up from the awful dream she was having. "Not there? Then where?"
Oh yes. Any minute now, she would wake up back home in bed and laugh at
such a stupid dream. She almost wanted to laugh right there.
"Far as I can tell, no thanks to Chaw*baka* here, we're at the
Alderaan system, and this is what's left of it." Akane scowled again
for effect.
"That's not right," Kasumi said in the perfect manner to send
Akane over the edge again.
"I KNOW it's not right. But it's too late for that, and now
furball has destroyed half the navigation system!"
Yes, Nodoka would wake up just about now. Wake up, Nodoka. Wake
up.
"Does this mean we won't be going to Nerima?" Kasumi asked,
wondering how she was supposed to cook bantha patties with scrub salad
on a broken down junkpile of a ship. Politeness dictated that she not
say that, though.
Akane shoved Chawbaka aside and looked at the damaged
instrumentation. "It looks repairable. We'll just have to set down to
do the work. It shouldn't take more than a few hours." Well, that was
one pleasant surprise. Things weren't as bad as they seemed. That
almost never happened.
Nodoka sighed. A few hours wasn't so bad really. Kasumi was nice
enough company to chat with. She hadn't been out in ages, so it was
also a nice chance to get away for some extra time.
"We'll just set down... Look." Akane pointed at something in the
distance of space. "We'll just set down on that small moon."
Waving the women away and taking her seat, Akane immediately
planned her route to the moon. It seemed rather large for the typical
moon in the system, but then, that could also mean it was populated and
someone might have some spare parts there. As long as there weren't any
of those stinking Jawas. There were only good for one thing: target
practice.
As the ship limped on toward the moon, Akane started to feel the
call of nature that dropping out of hyperspace always caused her. "I'll
be right back. And keep us on course!"
Chawbaka grunted in the affirmative as Akane got up and left. He
heard from the back, "Do my sensors deceive me? Could the fierce
and..."
There was another breaking sound and the voice stopped.
Sometimes, Akane wondered what she had gotten herself into. The
life of a smuggler wasn't easy and quite dangerous. She was wanted by
several crime lords for debts she had accrued to build and maintain the
_Impudent Hedgehog_.
Not to mention her old partner had broken her trust and skipped
out to greener pastures when the pressure had gotten to be too much.
She always wondered what had happened to her wily companion, but in the
circles they had run, it was never wise to ask such things.
Now this whole business with the Empire and the Rebellion... She
hadn't wanted to get involved, but the money had been right. A simple
drop-off run and she would be able to afford those power converters
that would make the engines run ten times more efficiently and provide
a hefty speed boost. The _Hedgehog_ would be able to outrun any of the
Imperial fighters, even the developmental ones, with that. And she'd
probably be able to blow a hole in a planet with the extra power to the
guns.
And now this had happened. She should have been watching more
closely. She shouldn't have allowed Chawbaka to set the coordinates. He
was a nice enough Wookiee, but he was a really crappie navigator.
Sighing, Akane Soro had to wonder why her life had been so rough.
Never such deep and ponderous thoughts were made in a bathroom before.
Walking slowly back through the ship, Akane simply could not
believe her misfortune. And yet, the only thing she could think to say
was, "When it rains, it pours."
"So, Akane Soro has returned to bask in my presence! Bask in the
glow from my..."
Akane's fist was quickly planted firmly in the face of C-KN0,
denting the shiny metal. "Shut up, you freaky droid!" The concept was
nearly horrific. She had heard the obscene stories about Jawas and
droids, but that had been an old story at the ice cream shoppes for
ages. That was just a suburban myth... Or so she thought.
"Ah, your gentle caresses are of the warm wind from the..."
Akane did it again, trying to find the off switch by going
through the droid's head with her fist. The second punch seemed to help
a little as the lights that highlighted the droid's eyes dimmed some
and the crazy babbling stopped.
Shaking her head, she had more important things to deal with than
one sex-crazed Rebel droid. Or two. "Give that back!" she yelled as R2-
HT rolled away with a more... personal article of her clothing. "You
little piece of slag!" She growled in frustration at things. This was
definitely raising the price of her services when they made it to
Nerima.
She passed by the area she liked to call the lounge (which was
simply where Chawbaka liked to practice some weird Wookiee hand/foot
thingy) and saw Nodoka and Kasumi doing something... very odd.
She stopped in the doorway and watched with a bemused expression
on her face. The two housewives were quite the interesting pair.
"Watch carefully, Kasumi. Leave your senses open and watch,"
Nodoka said as she concentrated. The metal rod resting on the floor
shivered a little, then floated into an upright position. It began
moving back and forth slowly in a sweeping motion.
Nodoka squinted and raised her left hand. A large tangle of wires
rose into the air to about chest height. Once there it began to move
back and forth briskly over the masses of spare parts scattered about,
like it was dusting them.
Closing her eyes fully, almost grimacing with the effort, Nodoka
began to move all the little nuts and bolts on the floor over to a
small bin that had been overturned.
It righted itself and moved through the air, the spare parts
dropping into it with a clunk. Finally, when there was nothing else,
the bin slowly settled to the floor, and the wire tangle and metal rod
followed.
Nodoka sat down slowly. She opened her eyes and inhaled deeply.
"That takes a lot out of a person," she said shakily.
"That was quite impressive. How did you..."
In Nodoka's hand was a small book. She thrust it at Kasumi and
waited for the younger girl to take it. "Go on. You have the potential
to be a Jedi, Kasumi. You must follow through on it."
Shaking her head, Kasumi said, "I couldn't possibly!"
"You must. I can see it in you, Kasumi. You're destined for
higher things."
Kasumi took the small book slowly, not sure if she should
actually keep it. Things were moving too fast for her. She looked at
the cover, then at Nodoka. "Using the Force for Better Housekeeping?"
She looked questioningly at Nodoka.
Nodoka nodded. "A very select group."
Akane snorted and shook her head. Housekeeping. Jeeze, what a
joke. And the Force... an even BIGGER joke.
"You don't believe in the power of a Jedi?" Nodoka asked, looking
at her.
"That's just an old legend. Jedi and the Force were invented to
put little kids to sleep. It used to work with me." Yeah. Used to,
until she had to leave home. Leave home, and go on the run almost from
the first day.
"Is there a problem, dear?" Nodoka asked, recovering from her
exertion of power.
Sighing deeply, Akane shook her head. "No. It's nothing you need
to worry about. I've been dealing with it since I left home, and I'll
keep dealing with it."
Nodoka and Kasumi looked at her sympathetically, and suddenly,
Akane couldn't help herself. She sat roughly on the floor, wanting to
just pour her guts out to the two women. Somehow, she managed to
blubber out her entire life story and kept it short and sweet.
"I've got multiple bounties on my head, a broken down ship, I'm
running from the Empire, I'm mixed up with the Rebellion now, and I
have a Wookiee with a bad sense of direction as my navi... Oh NO!"
Akane stood up suddenly and rushed back to the cockpit. The
gentle rumbling that she had dismissed earlier had actually been the
ship landing. She closed her eyes and opened them again.
"Chawbaka. Small moon I said. Make repairs on the small moon.
That's what I said, right?" Akane asked calmly.
Chawbaka gave a plaintive growl. He did not like the tone in
Akane's voice at all.
"Right. I DID say small moon. So we were supposed to land on a
small moon." Akane looked outside the ship again. "So could you explain
what we're DOING ON A GIANT SHIP?" Akane's face took on an alarming
shade of red.
Chawbaka could only cringe away.
"Chawbaka no baka!"
Akane's tirade was quickly cut off as several Imperial troopers
appeared in front of the ship, looking at it curiously. "Oh no. We'll
be shipped off to a mining colony if we're caught. Quick!" Akane went
to stab the 'All the guns' button, but it didn't respond. They were
beyond dead meat.
"Come on, C-Chan. We've got to defend the Hedgehog to the very
end."
Chawbaka wasn't so sure about that. It wasn't exactly a great
ship or anything, but he was loyal to Akane, and even if she wanted to
do something suicidally dangerous, he would help.
"First, lock down the plasma ejector. Don't want them getting in
here, then figure out what's wrong with the guns. We'll toast their
butts and laugh while we do it!"
Rolling his eyes, Chawbaka nodded and continued to follow her as
they made their way to their makeshift ramp.
When they arrived at it, they were both stunned to see...
"Would you like to join us in some tea?" Kasumi asked them. There
were several officers and troopers there already sipping tea and eating
cookies.
Akane's jaw dropped in disbelief. She wanted to scream at the
brutal unfairness of everything.
Chawbaka naturally took a seat next to Nodoka and began daintily
sipping tea with the rest of them.
"Thank you for the hospitality, ma'am," one high-ranking officer
said. "Naturally we understand the problem of making repairs in deep
space. You're welcome to stay as long as necessary."
Nodoka and Kasumi both smiled, sending warm and fuzzy feelings
throughout the ship. Akane nearly gagged.
"That's very kind of you, young man. Do you think you could see
it possible that our ship is repaired by a competent mechanic?" Nodoka
asked.
"That's no problem, ma'am. We have the best starship mechanics in
the system aboard. And if you're interested, I'm sure we could arrange
for you and your sister to go on a guided tour of the station."
Nodoka laughed politely. "She is not my sister, as you very well
know, and the flattery won't get you very far."
The look on Akane's face was simply... priceless.
*** ***
The Galactic Empire was oppressive, evil, tyrannical, and bloody
huge.
It had been built on the foundation of the Old Republic, and
pretty much _was_ the Old Republic with cooler uniforms and less
tolerance. Rather than throw everything out the window, the new rulers
of the galaxy simply changed the existing order to suit them.
Since, as has been mentioned, the Empire was bloody huge, a few
anachronistic remains of the Old Republic still persisted as part of
the Imperial system, simply because no-one had bothered to delete them.
When the Death Star was in the final stages of construction and
crew selection was in progress, Navy Regulation 23.b-DeltaCainCharlie5
(subsection 2.3) was one of those flagged by the Staffing Computer. It
had been passed by the Admiralty during the days when "Public
Relations" didn't mean leveling population centers from orbit, and
stated:
All orbital or deep space platforms of sizes at or above
Type-BB will be required to have on duty at least One(1)
officer of a rank no lower than Lt. Commander, with a
advanced degree in Public Relations from a major
University. This officer shall hold the position of
Civilian Tour Liaison, and shall not be assigned other
duties barring a State of Emergency as described in
Reg46.c, Sections Alpha through Theta.
Since there were very few stations of Type-BB or higher, and
since it was clearly such an asinine regulation that everyone would
ignore it, no-one ever got around to getting rid of it.
Since the drones who made up the Imperial Personnel Department
would follow regulations that told them to shoot themselves in the head
without bothering to question it, the Death Star was dutifully assigned
a Civilian Tour Liaison. Since the Empire had a distinct shortage of
high-ranking officers with public-relations degrees, they picked the
one officer in the fleet who did, an Ensign Sanzenin, and immediately
promoted him to the rank of Lt. Commander.
This was rather fortunate for Ex-Ensign Sanzenin, especially
since he had been scheduled to be executed for getting caught in an
awkward situation with the wife of a Vice Admiral.
He was quite happy with his job on the Death Star. Nothing beat
being a tour guide on a top-secret battlestation for low workloads and
plentiful free time. And he was drawing a Lt. Commander's pay and
quarters assignment, too.
When he got bored, he used his considerable design skills to make
little brochures and coloring books. It was his wistful dream that one
day a shuttle filled with beautiful women would land, and he would be
asked to give them a private tour.
Currently, his dream was coming true. Sort of. His daydreams
hadn't included the huge, unchained Wookiee, or the two annoying
droids.
"And, if you'll look to your right, you'll see one of the Death
Star's docking bays, similar to the one you entered through. At the
moment, this bay contains a pirate freighter belonging to enemies of
the New Order."
From the rear of the cheery little tour tram, Akane eyed the
mentioned ship with narrowed eyes. "Doesn't that look a lot like the
Corellian freighter that we saw off Tatooine?"
Chawbaka growled an agreement, and resumed coloring the TIE
Fighter cutaway drawing in his Death Star Fun Book.
"The Death Star contains over a hundred of these bays," Commander
Sanzenin recited cheerfully, "And three larger ones used for servicing
capital warships of the Empire. Each requires over four dozen flight
controllers, mechanics, ground crew, and menial laborers."
"How nice," Kasumi murmured politely, moving his hand gently but
firmly off her leg. She had met this type before, and found that the
attention was rather flattering up to a point. Beyond that point, a few
near-misses with the landspeeder was usually all that was necessary to
get the message across.
Undismayed, the commander steered the cart down a narrow hallway.
"Through the glassteel wall to your left, you can see the one of the
outer blast tunnels of the Death Star's planet-destroying superlaser.
Built under the supervision of noted designer Bevel Lemelisk, the Death
Star Superlaser is the largest energy weapon ever constructed, and has
vaporized noted stellar bodies like Test Asteroid X-6923, Planetoid P-
42D, and Alderaan. Future targets are being selected as we speak,
funded by you, the Imperial Citizen."
"Vaporized Alderaan?" Nodoka asked weakly.
Sanzenin nodded cheerfully. "Page 123 of your tour guide has
photos."
The sound of four guidebooks being flipped through was heard,
followed by a horrified silence.
"Right, haha, destroying an entire planet, what a joke, isn't
Captain Soro such a comedian? I TOLD you, C-Chan, but did anyone
listen? Nooo..."
"Oh dear," Kasumi said quietly. Being vaporized probably wasn't
very nice for the people on the planet, and it had made an awful
mess... that sort of thing shouldn't be allowed.
Nodoka just shook her head sadly.
"And now, if you'll look to your right, you can see the Loyalty
Fervor Inspiration Board, where photos of Rebel Traitors scheduled for
execution are displayed for the edification and amusement of station
personnel."
They looked. There were quite a lot of them.
"Why is an image of the most glorious pig-tailed princess
displayed on a common board with filthy criminals?" demanded C-KN0 from
his spot towards the rear. "She should have her own frame, hung in a
place of honor."
Startled, Nodoka and Kasumi examined the board more closely as
the tour cart rolled by. Sure enough, a picture of the redheaded girl
was stuck prominently near the center, sticking her tongue out at the
camera.
Commander Sanzenin shrugged eloquently. "Everyone on there is
scheduled for execution for crimes against the Empire. Did you know
that the Death Star has over 30 execution chambers, each with over
fifteen methods of termination? Page 99 in your Death Star Fun Book(TM)
has a diagram and crossword activity."
"Thou wouldst harm the sacred person of the fire-haired
princess?" roared C-KN0, pulling out a wooden stick. "I, the Golden
Translator of Furiiiiiii*blip*"
Akane gave a satisfied grunt and removed her hand from KN0's
'off' switch, mentally memorizing the location. She wished the designer
had situated it somewhere other than the lower torso.
"Ms. Kenobi? I think they're going to execute that poor girl,"
Kasumi said worriedly. Execution was bad for growing young ladies.
"I know, dear," Nodoka sighed. "I suppose we'll have to do
something about it. If for no other reason, to find out exactly what
these plans are and where to take them."
"Hold on," Akane said, scowling fiercely. "After landing on an
Imperial battlestation capable of destroying entire planets, we find
ourselves home free through a vast stroke of luck. And you want us to
break someone out of a execution detention area in the largest Imperial
military installation in history?"
"Second largest," Sanzenin added helpfully. "The Coruscant
Military Center is slightly larger, but is divided up between several
ground and orbital structures. There's a comparison chart on the inside
back cover."
"The poor girl _is_ going to be executed," Nodoka calmly
reminded. "It is our duty as Jedi and fellow sentient beings to lend
aid."
"I'm not a Jedi, and I hate sentient beings," Akane replied
hotly. "They tend to be real jerks. Let's just take the tour, wait for
the Hedgehog to be repaired, and get the hell out of here."
Kasumi clucked her tongue reprovingly. "Now, Captain Soro,
really! Think how scared the poor girl must be! All alone in a cold,
hard cell..."
"Actually, all the cells in the Death Star are heated," chimed in
Sanzenin.
Akane maintained her firm expression, but her eyes softened a
bit. "Well, yeah, but..."
"And the food," Kasumi continued, "I'm sure it's not very nice.
And the atmosphere surely isn't the proper sort for a young girl, far
away from home, with no-one to turn to..."
Akane sniffled a little. The Commander passed her back a Death
Star Souvenir Hankie, which she blew into loudly.
"And one hears such stories about the guards in these sort of
places, taking advantage of a poor sweet defenseless girl, with nothing
to protect her honor..."
"Okay," Akane said, wiping her eyes, "we'll rescue the poor
little thing."
"That's very good of you," Kasumi said happily. Nodoka had told
her that you could use the Force to influence the weak-minded, but in
her experience you could do that simply by being nice. Besides,
whatever else Captain Soro was, weak-minded probably wasn't among them.
"Rroughroow," commented Chawbaka.
"He wants to know how we're going to get into the detention
level," Akane translated, frowning. "Good question. I think we need a
plan."
"Well...." Nodoka began.
"Okay," Akane interrupted, "How about this. We find a group of
three stormtroopers, jump them, and take their armor and blasters. Then
we put fake restraints on C-Chan here, and take him into the detention
level, see, only when we get into the prison control room we shoot all
the guards and blast the security cameras. After that, while everyone's
still confused, we engage in a running battle through the prison wing,
rescue the girl, blow open a garbage hatch or something, make our way
through the bowels of the station, and blast our way back to the
Hedgehog."
Nodoka looked at Kasumi. Kasumi looked at Nodoka. Then both of
them looked at Akane.
"Commander Sanzenin?" Nodoka asked politely. "Could we please
have a tour of the detention level?"
"Why sure!" the officer said, steering the tram down a side
corridor. "Did you know that the Death Star's cell block is the largest
holding facility on any spacegoing vessel or installation?"
"Okay, we can do it this way, too," Akane said, sounding somewhat
disappointed.
"And if you'll look to your left, you'll see two officers of our
friendly and helpful staff escorting a Rebel terrorist to his well-
deserved fate." Slowing the cart down, Sanzenin waved at the two
stormtroopers. "You there!"
The troopers froze, and slowly turned. The cuffed Wookiee they
were escorting made a worried noise. "Er, yeah?"
"Would you mind posing for a picture?" Commander Sanzenin
chattered cheerfully. "I'm sure these ladies would be thrilled."
The troopers looked at him as if lobsters had started crawling
out of his ears. "Uh, sure," the shorter one said hesitantly. "Han, why
don't you stand over there by Che... er, the prisoner, and I'll stand
here."
"Okay, if you ladies could stand right there in front of them...
you on the left, why don't you give your blaster to the young lady to
hold, that's it... could the traitorous Rebel prisoner move to the
right just a smidgen... okay... perfect. Say 'cheese', everyone...."
"Cheese!"
"Rrroughse."
"Okay, thanks guys!"
"Yeah, sure, c'mon kid let's get outta here...."
The troopers hustled off, and Kasumi and Company reboarded the
cart. Sanzenin handed them all polaroids as he restarted the tram and
drove on.
"Oh my. I really should have brought a camera."
*** ***
Leia awakened with a start as the door to her cell was thrown
open. The short figure silhouetted in the doorway waving a blaster in
the air immediately got her attention, and she quickly sat up in her
bunk.
"Princess?"
She blinked. "Yes?"
"We're here to rescue you!"
Her heart leaped. "You're what!"
"We've got your droids! We're here to rescue you!"
A taller figure appeared behind the blaster-waving one. "Akane?
That's not her."
"Oh dear. This is #327-B, not #357-B."
"But I'm Princess Leia Organa of..."
"Whoops. Sorry." And with that, the cell door slammed shut again.
Leia shrugged, and went back to sleep. She had known it was too
good to be true.
*** ***
The tram pulled up in front of a cell for the third time.
Nodoka peered carefully at the number on the door. "#327-B. Okay,
this should be it."
Hopping out, Akane thumbed open the cell door. "Right. You," she
paused to glance at a hastily scribbled note, "Princess Ranma Saotome
of Nerima?"
"zzzzzzzsnort.... huh? Wha? Yeah, 'sme...."
Akane shut the cell door and turned to the others. "Okay, found
her."
Kasumi beamed at her. Nodoka smiled, and turned to their tour
guide. "Commander Sanzenin, could you show us one of the empty cells?
We're all just fascinated by this."
Sanzenin, who had already coaxed the promise of a drink together
after the tour was over out of Nodoka, obligingly opened a nearby cell.
"These cells are constructed of the finest materials available, have a
holding capacity of 23 cubic T'Vans, and can withstand sustained
blasterfire at close range. The carpet is..."
"Oh my," said Kasumi brightly, "what's that little panel in the
back, under that nice bunk?"
Sanzenin ducked into the cell. "Panel? I don't think I see a..."
Kasumi thumbed the "Door Close" button, followed by the "Door
Lock" button. "I hope he isn't put to very much trouble. He was very
nice, I thought."
"Well, that's one bother taken care of," Akane muttered. Pressing
the open button, she again opened the door to Ranma's cell. "Okay,
c'mon."
The redhead inside sat up slightly in her bunk. "You sure, now?
Not just here to ask me my name?"
Akane sighed. "Look, do you want to be rescued or not?"
Frowning slightly, the redhead examined her. "By you? Lemme think
about it for a bit."
"Captain Soro? Nodoka?"
"And just what's that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't wanna be rescued by some tomboy with a blaster!
It's embarrassing!"
"Excuse me, Captain Soro? Ms. Kenobi?"
Nodoka turned away from the cell to glance at her student. "Yes,
Kasumi?"
"What do those big flashing red lights on the wall saying
"INTRUDER ALERT!" mean?"
"TOMBOY? Look, sister...."
"I think it means that hundreds of stormtroopers are about to
come boiling down here any minute," Nodoka said with relative calm.
"Oh dear."
"Who're you calling sister!"
"Excuse me," Nodoka snapped, "can we please run away now before
the stormtroopers come and shoot us?"
The princess blinked. "Huh? Yeah, sure."
"Fine with me!" Akane snapped.
They hurried out of the cell, the ominous sound of blaster fire
sounding faintly in the distance.
"Right," Nodoka said crisply, "which way out of the detention
level?"
"Rrrourgh," said Chawbaka, pointing.
"That's the cell we just walked out of, C-Chan."
"Rourgh."
"Oh dear," Kasumi commented, peering down one of the hallways. "I
think the shooting is getting closer."
"Quick, check the Death Star Fun Book," Akane said, drawing her
blaster. "Maybe there's a map or a coloring diagram or something."
Ranma rolled her eyes. "Doncha even know the way out of the
stupid detention center? Some rescue this is."
"Oh, yeah, like you do either?" Akane shot back, as Chawbaka
frantically flipped through the pages of the book looking for a map.
"Actually," the princess replied smugly, "I do. C'mon, it's this
way." With that, she took off running down the cellblock corridor.
Kasumi and Nodoka shrugged and followed at a trot.
Akane swore, glanced after them, and reluctantly followed.
Chawbaka brought up the rear, reading as he loped after his captain.
"Are you sure you know where you're going, young lady?" Nodoka
asked, puffing along behind the Neriman princess. Ranma nodded, turning
to give her a confident smile.
"Trust me," she called, "I know what I'm..."
Ranma turned the corner and skidded to a stop. Up ahead, their
backs to the group, a cluster of stormtroopers were firing down an
hallway at something.
Behind her, Nodoka and Kasumi pulled to a halt and stared at the
platoon. They seemed to be quite enthusiastic about their shooting, and
the occasional laser bolt zooming past seemed to indicate that their
targets were getting into the spirit of this as well.
"They obviously aren't going to notice us," Nodoka said quietly.
"Let's turn around and head a different..."
Akane Soro turned the corner at this point, saw the
stormtroopers, and immediately shot one.
About half the squad turned their attention to her, and began
turning their guns as well.
"Oh hell," muttered Nodoka, and threw her lightsaber at them.
It snapped on in midair and whipped through the air like a killer
day-glo boomerang, scything at the Imperials. They very sensibly dived
to the ground, whereupon Akane shot another one, followed by a blast
from Chawbaka's bowcaster. Ranma took the opportunity to jump forward,
snatch a blaster carbine from one of the fallen troopers, and shot a
third.
Kasumi placed one hand over her mouth, mildly aghast. Ranma
tossed her a blaster; she numbly caught it with one hand and looked at
it.
"Into the garbage chute, flyboy!" someone yelled at the other end
of the hall. Ranma, Chawbaka, and Akane quickly took down the few
remaining troops on their side, then ducked back as a withering
fusillade of blasterfire came from the other end.
"Run away?" asked Kasumi, holding her blaster gingerly.
"Yes!" yelled Nodoka, snatching up her lightsaber and dashing
off. Kasumi followed.
"YAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Akane, gleefully emptying her blaster
around the corner. Ranma stared at her for a second, then resumed
picking off troopers one by one.
"Rurgle-rowrl," observed Chawbaka, firing over Akane's shoulder.
"What'd he say?"
"He suggested we should make a strategic withdrawal," Akane
translated, ducking as a barrage of laserfire blew big holes in the
wall over her head. "I think he might have something."
Ranma snorted. "What, run away?" She jumped to one side just as a
blast went through the place she had been a moment before. "Ack. Yeah,
I think he has something there."
"Right," Akane said determinedly, taking a metal sphere from a
belt pouch, twisting it, and tossing it around the corner. "Run."
"Why?"
"Because the thermal detonator I just tossed is going to go off
in five seconds."
"Oh."
They ran.
*** ***
The force of the blast wave that rocked the Death Star detention
level gave Akane, Ranma, and the Wookiee enough momentum to catch up to
the two Jedi.
"I think we bought some time," Ranma panted, never breaking
stride. "She's pretty good with that blaster."
Akane blushed, for once looking off guard. "Why.. ah, thanks..."
"For a clumsy psychopathic chick, anyway."
"WHY YOU!"
"Later!" snapped Nodoka. Both looked sheepish.
"So, you got the droids, huh?" asked Ranma. Kasumi nodded.
"Yes, these Jawas...." Kasumi trailed off. "Oh my. Where did the
droids go?"
Nodoka winced. "We must have left them on the tour cart. I think
Captain Soro switched off the loud one."
"Captain Soro?" asked Ranma. Akane raised a hand, and the redhead
grunted. "Figures. Look, we gotta get those droids. The information in
em is... uh, vitally important to the rebellion, yeah."
"Right," Nodoka said resignedly. "back to the tour cart."
"Cheh. Tomboy pilot. Can't even fire a blaster right."
"Oh, and I saw just how helpful the Princess was. Were you too
busy waiting for your servant to come and carry you to the tram?"
"Naw, I was just waiting to watch you trip over your own feet and
fall on your face, you clumsy..."
"Snotty..."
"Macho..."
"Helpless..."
"ENOUGH!" Nodoka finally yelled. "You two are worse than that
damned droid! I think I'd rather turn him on than listen to you two
fight like children!" Nodoka readjusted her kimono and turned around
with a humph. "And we're supposed to be paying them," she said under
her breath.
Akane and Ranma looked at each other, scowling. Akane shook her
head and turned forward, her blaster drawn just in case. Obviously the
princess wasn't going to be of any use except decoration.
Ranma muttered something under her breath and crossed her arms
over her chest. The whole thing was a nightmare, and that was just the
rescue. She was afraid to see what kind of shape the rest of the
Rebellion was in.
Kasumi drove as though her life depended on it, and as badly as
she had to use the young lady's room, it probably did. The little tram
squealed as it rounded a corner, though it had no wheels to speak of.
"Get this fuzzball offa me!" Ranma yelled from the back as she
was almost tossed from the seat, along with Chawbaka and the droids.
Akane was apparently the only one with a working seatbelt.
Of course, that didn't help her when Kasumi turned another corner
and sent the two sliding into her. She opened her mouth to protest, but
got a mouth full of long, stringy Wookiee hair instead.
Anyone not strapped in was sent airborne for a moment as the tram
hit some sort of object. Looking behind them, Akane saw the remains of
one of those annoying little mouse 'bots that were always underfoot.
So maybe Kasumi wasn't such a bad driver after all. Akane
couldn't help but smirk.
Of course, that was before the little bridge, barely wide enough
for one person, over a seemingly bottomless shaft. Somehow, Kasumi got
the tram up on its side to skid along the walkway, sparks shooting off
the side.
Akane had her eyes closed so she never saw everyone else in the
tram hang on for dear life, coming dangerously close to spilling out
and tumbling down the shaft.
There was a squeal of grinding metal and the tram slammed back
down to its upright position, sending everyone on a short E-ticket
ride. Akane opened her eyes just in time to see a group of officers
dive aside as the tram plowed through the area they had been walking a
second before.
Somehow, by some act of a much, MUCH higher power, they ended
back up in the hangar bay. The tram spun around three times, acting
like some out of control amusement park ride, just before it slid
safely into a recessed area usually used for cargo.
Kasumi got out of the tram daintily, smoothing her dress out
before hurrying to the Hedgehog. She stopped at the ramp and looked
back at the tram. For some odd reason, none of the others had moved,
except the droids, which appeared to be losing bits and pieces of
themselves. "Goodness. Shouldn't we leave as soon as possible? I don't
think they'll be too happy about us scratching up their floors."
Akane was the first to react, simply because she had had her eyes
closed a good portion of the trip and had worn the safety belt. Now if
she could only get the safety belt off.
She was still in better condition than either the Princess or
Chawbaka, who had looks of terror frozen on their faces (which is not
pretty on a Wookiee), or Nodoka, who looked like she was in shock. Even
the droids.
R2-HT's lights were flashing wildly, and several panels were
sliding open periodically, small clouds of smoke emerging. C-KN0 was
completely inert, all functions halted. No wonder it was so quiet.
Kasumi decided to head into the ship and make some tea.
*** ***
"What WAS that?" the officer yelled after pulling himself from
the tangle of bodies.
"Sir, I think those were the escaped rebels. They were reported
heading in this direction," answered one of the officers that had
managed not to end up on the bottom of the pile.
"Gah. Just my luck. Why didn't someone stop them?" He kicked one
of the junior officers that was still untangling himself.
"Well, Lieutenant Wesley? Why didn't you?"
"I... uh... I didn't see them coming, sir!"
"Take this worthless maggot down and have him shot!"
*** ***
Kasumi was just setting a makeshift table with the last teacup
when the others came in. Even Nodoka was looking a bit... bedraggled.
"Good! You're just in time for lunch!"
"Kasumi," Akane said, her voice barely louder than a whisper, "we
don't have time for lunch. We have to get off this station before the
entire Empire tries to board this ship!"
Kasumi seemed to consider what Akane had said. "Dear, I don't
think there will be enough food for all of them."
Akane squeezed her eyes shut and tried very hard not to start
screaming. "Buckle in, people. We are leaving, with or without lunch!"
She marched away, grabbing Chawbaka and dragging him along.
"Man, what a temperamental chick. What's her problem?" the
Princess asked, having come around at the sight of food. She sat down
at the table and began shoveling lunch into her mouth. "I'b neber sheen
sush a groushy tonboy."
"Princess, please don't speak with your mouth full. It's quite...
disgusting," Nodoka said gently.
Ranma shrugged and continued to eat. "Dear girl, what kind of
princessly training did you receive?" Nodoka asked. She was getting
doubts about going to Nerima Prime. If this was what their royalty was
like, she didn't want to see the common people. Oh sure, the other
members of the rebellion were nice enough, but they did all seem to
need a lesson in personal hygiene.
Ranma swallowed the last of her lunch and looked defiantly at
Nodoka. "I ain't no princess, so stop calling me that."
"You're not... But I thought..."
Ranma chuckled bitterly. "You got the right person, but I ain't
no princess. Got any hot water?" she asked.
*** ***
He stood rigidly at attention, sweat crawling down the side of
his face. It was a complete nightmare; figures he would get the crap
duty.
"Your report."
"The rebels, they escaped down into the garbage..."
"Not them! The others! I want to know the location of the
Princess Saotome! She, and those droids have knowledge of Project J,
and they can not be allowed to escape here alive!" Tofu was starting to
get annoyed at all this. The next time someone got it in his or her
tiny little brain to mistake him with that gorilla-like buffoon Vader,
he was going to get really mad.
"Just find them. Bring them to me. And maybe I won't turn you
into a pretzel. Do you think you can handle that?" He knew they were on
the station someplace. If anyone had properly listened to him, they
would have identified them the minute they had landed, but noooo. No
one ever listened to Lord Ono.
Snapping back to attention, the fresh-faced captain nodded. "Yes,
my Lord."
"And don't fail me. I'm very intolerant of failure."
"Of course, my Lord. The rebels will be captured and Princess
Organa..." He stopped short when Lord Ono twiddled his pinkie finger at
him. "I mean, Princess Saotome! Princess Saotome and the two droids
will be at your disposal."
Turning quickly, the captain got out of there as fast as he could
without appearing too much of a chicken with his tail feathers on fire.
*** ***
Nodoka and Kasumi stared.
Ranma got slightly annoyed. "Look, it ain't my fault. This is
Project J, that Lord Ono is after."
Nodoka and Kasumi continued to stare.
Getting more annoyed, Ranma slapped his hand down on the table.
"Yo! Are you listenin' to me? Just because I change into a girl with
cold water don't mean I'm a freak or nothin'."
"I don't know about that," Akane said from behind the princess
turned prince. Her eyes suddenly narrowed. "Assuming you're even still
Princess Ranma and not some sort of shape-shifter stealing her
identity." Her hand settled on the blaster at her side.
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Man, where do you come up with these
stupid ideas?"
Akane's face pinked and she scowled at him.
"Like I was sayin' before the tomboy showed up, this is what
Ono's lookin' for. That's what's in the plans, along with the cure."
Ranma's eyes gleamed.
"Cure?" Kasumi asked.
"Yeah. Whatever this cure is, it'll stop me from turnin' into a
girl when I'm hit with cold water. Everyone gets the dumb idea that I'm
helpless and tries to help. Do you think I would have let those morons
catch me if I hadn't had some bonehead rebel tryin' to protect me?"
Ranma snorted. "Not on your life."
"You looked pretty helpless back on that tram."
"You weren't helpin' none, chick."
"Freak."
"Clumsy."
"Pervert."
"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" Nodoka yelled, causing the two to
stop abruptly and look at her. "Kasumi, go get C-KN0. At least he can
pretend to hold an intelligent conversation."
Kasumi nodded and started to rise.
"Hold it! Bring that little pervert droid in here. I wanna look
at the plans and find that cure," Ranma said, abandoning his argument
with Akane.
Nodoka gave a small smile. "Ah, excellent. Finally down to
business."
Kasumi returned a few minutes later with both droids following
her. "Now, R2, can you give the princess the plans back?" she asked
sweetly.
Ranma scowled, but couldn't bring himself to get upset with her.
The freaky droids on the other hand...
"Who is this scoundrel dressed in women's clothing?" C-KN0 asked,
glaring completely non-threateningly at Ranma. After all, how scary can
a shiny gold droid actually look?
"I'm not..."
"Please. The plans. We really should leave this station as
quickly as possible. Speaking of, Akane dear, why haven't we taken off
yet?" Nodoka asked.
"They've got the cleaning crews out. They're mopping the bay
floor right in front of us. We won't be able to leave until they're
done. I've got Chawbaka up there ready to take off at the first
possible moment." Akane shook her head a little. "Stupid unions..."
"Yes, anyway..."
Ranma nodded. "Right. The cure." He crouched down in front of R2-
HT. "Now, you little hunk of garbage, show the plans I gave you."
R2 seemed to think about it for a moment, then rotated his dome
back and forth. The meaning was very clear.
"Why not?" Ranma asked, standing and raising his fist in
preparation to beat the droid.
A little nozzle popped out of the top of R2 then sprayed Ranma
with a blast of cold water.
Sputtering, Ranma glared at the smallish droid. "Hey, you little
freak! How'd you know..."
"Oh! My wondrous pig-tailed princess! How I have longed to hold
you in my arms!" C-KN0 said excitedly, and advanced on Ranma, arms open
wide.
Ranma's fist shot out, hitting the droid square in the face and
knocking him against the wall.
C-KN0 slid to the floor, circuits shorted out temporarily.
Shaking some water out of her eyes, Ranma glared at R2-HT. "Now,
I don't care why ya did that, just show me the stupid plans!"
Again, R2 denied her. This time, a little claw came out with a
frilly pink bra in its grasp. Making some strange high-pitched
whistling noises, R2 thrust the bra at Ranma.
Kasumi covered her mouth with one hand. "Oh my," she said
quietly.
Ranma's face slowly began to match the color of her shirt.
"Freak!" she yelled and ax-kicked the droid.
Rather abruptly, the plans started to display themselves in the
air, which immediately caught everyone's attention.
"What's that?" Akane asked, looking at the slightly transparent
images flashing in the air.
"That's it," Ranma said, grinning somewhat maniacally. "That's
the cure. Project J."
Nodoka watched for a bit. "But that... that looks like plans for
the Death Star."
"Yeah. So?" Ranma said, shrugging.
That was when the red lights went off in the hangar and sirens
started sounding. An announcement, audible even from inside the
Hedgehog, blared out. 'All outgoing traffic is to be detained. No
exceptions allowed. Rebel spies may attempt escape.'
Akane shot to her feet. "Janitors or no, we're getting out of
here, pronto." She hurried to the cockpit area, leaving the others to
get someplace and buckle themselves in.
Nodoka and Kasumi started to clean up the dishes when, out of a
tiny port, Nodoka caught sight of a familiar face. "Ben," she said
quietly.
"Kasumi, dear, I have something to take care of. I'll be back in
just a few moments." She smiled reassuringly at the younger girl, but
her eyes were cold and hard.
Before Kasumi could answer, Nodoka was gone. Hesitating for just
a few moments, Kasumi quickly hurried after her, hoping she would be in
time to stop the woman from doing something rash.
Kasumi was barely able to keep up with Nodoka as the older woman
exited the ship and ran across the hangar, slipping slightly on the
freshly cleaned floors.
Nodoka headed to one of the adjacent hangar bays where a junky
old freighter was sitting. Junky, but it still looked ten times better
than the Hedgehog.
Nodoka stopped behind a group of scruffy looking people firing
their blasters at a group of stormtroopers attempting to enter the
hangar from the opposite side without getting their asses shot off. But
she turned her attention to the other side of the hangar. That was
where she saw him.
Obi Wan Kenobi. Her eyes immediately narrowed, and she glared in
his direction. Never mind that he was currently engaged in a lightsaber
duel with someone, her owed her alimony!
As if they were connected by the mysterious Force, able to feel
each other's presence, Obi Wan glanced over and almost visibly flinched
at the sight of his angry ex-wife.
One of the scruffy, violent people also saw Obi Wan and yelled to
him, but Nodoka could see her ex-husband had his attention on her.
"I am a dead man," Obi Wan said quietly. "Only one way out of
this..." With a look of peace and tranquillity, knowing he would
finally be free of his ex-wife's wrath, he held his lightsaber up and
allowed Vader to strike him down.
With a rather unlady-like yell of rage, Nodoka brought her
lightkatana to life, but before she ran to the place her ex-husband had
fallen she turned.
Kasumi was slightly frightened by the wild-eyed look Nodoka was
giving her.
"Yes, dear, you can help me. Obi Wan won't be able to escape that
easily," Nodoka said pleasantly. "Kasumi, remember everything I've
taught you because I know you have the potential inside you. And never
succumb to the dark side of the Force. Now if you would be so kind as
to lop off my head..." Nodoka smiled gently, then switched the
lightkatana off and handed it to Kasumi.
Kasumi took it gingerly, looking at Nodoka. The woman was
completely serious, deadly serious about what she was asking, and well,
what was Kasumi to do? She couldn't refuse and offend Nodoka. But she
didn't want to get in the middle of their marital problems.
"Come now, I can assure you I won't feel a thing. My body will
become immaterial and I'll be a spirit where I can finally get Obi Wan
to admit to what a rotten husband he was." Nodoka smiled the entire
time.
Kasumi looked at Nodoka, then at the lightkatana in her hands.
Pointing it downward, she activated the blade, completely ignoring the
stormtroopers and blaster fire and general chaos around them. "You're
sure..."
"Quite sure. Just remember what I've told you. And always do your
best. And don't forget to sweep and wet mop before you wax. And preheat
for cookies 10 minutes before you bake. And..."
OK, this was getting tiresome. Kasumi let out a small sigh and
brought the weapon up. "Of course I will." Kasumi swung the blade
daintily, cutting down Nodoka in the same way Obi Wan had just been.
Looking slightly disturbed by the pile of empty clothing at her
feet, Kasumi wondered if she should pick it up before she headed back
to the ship.
A laserbolt zoomed past her head. Probably not.
"Run, Kasumi, run!"
She did.
After a few seconds, she remembered that she had just cut Nodoka
in half. Which made the sudden appearance of her voice telling Kasumi
to run rather odd.
Still, it was good advice.
She raced up the Hedgehog's ramp to find Chawbaka trying to pound
a male Ranma through the floor, headfirst. Oh dear.
*WHAM!* "Ow!" *WHAM!* "Hey, cut it out, ya hairy idiot!"
"RRRRRAUGH!" *WHAM!* "I said, quit it!"
"Oh my," Kasumi ventured. "You're denting the deckplates,
Chawbaka."
*WHAM!* "Help!" "RRROOOROUGH!" *WHAM!*
Disturbed, Kasumi briskly walked up to the cockpit, where Akane
was preparing for departure. "Excuse me, Captain Soro? Your Wookiee is
pounding the Princess's head into the deck."
The young smuggler glanced up, concerned. "Any damage?"
"Well, surprisingly, she.. he's still conscious..."
"Who cares about him? I meant to the deck."
"It's badly dented."
Scowling fiercely, Akane stomped back to the passenger area. "C-
Chan! Stop that this instant!"
The Wookiee ignored her, and continued trying to hammer Ranma
through a wall. Akane blinked. Usually her voice would bring Chawbaka
to heel instantly.
"CHAWBAKA! PUT THE SNOTTY JERK DOWN! NOW!" There. A full-fledged
Akane Soro Scream, the kind that had roughly the same effect as a
stungun on full power.
Unbelievably, Chawbaka continued to ignore her, completely
engrossed in his human carpentry.
Despite a occasionally savage temper, Akane Soro really was a
very tolerant person. You had to be, in this business, and with a first
mate like the one she had. But there was one thing that would set her
off every time, and that thing was people ignoring her.
Drawing her blaster, she set it to 'light stun', and fired.
It took three shots before Chawbaka finally dropped to the deck.
The 'Princess' fell as well, out cold from the baseball-sized lump on
his head.
Akane holstered her blaster, amazed. She had never seen Chawbaka
so enraged before, even counting the time that the Bothan portmaster
had tried to get her to do something disgusting in exchange for waiving
the docking fees. Granted, Ranma was aggravating... but that had been
one really pissed off Wookiee.
"Kasumi, look after these two idiots. I'm going to get us out of
here." She stopped about halfway down the cockpit access hall. "Hey,
where's Nodoka?"
Kasumi fidgeted. "Oh. She's dead, I'm afraid."
"Aw, jeez. Sorry." Akane made a brief effort to say something
comforting, then gave up and continued on her way to the cockpit,
feeling slightly depressed. She knew lots of dead people, but knowing
one more was still enough of make her sniffle a little. Besides, the
other woman had been a bit like what she daydreamed her mother would
have been.
She brushed a tear from her eye as she revved the engines and
used the belly guns to shoot the stormtroopers just now entering the
hanger. It wasn't easy, being an orphan. If only she hadn't lost her
parents and sisters in that freak nerf herding accident... the Soros
had been well-meaning foster parents, but life in a nerf-herding colony
was terrible. It meant herding nerfs, for one thing.
The hangar clear, she pulled back on the throttle, prayed they
wouldn't put a tractor beam on her, and roared out of the docking bay
like a bat out of hell.
*** ***
In the fire control center, Grand Moff Tarkin watched yet another
grungy little Rebel freighter zoom for deep space. Really, couldn't the
Rebels be bothered to fight in respectable-looking craft?
"Sir? Shall we open fire?"
Tarkin shook his head. "It's not worth the energy expenditure.
Besides, their escape will undoubtedly annoy Lord Ono." And anything
that annoyed the Dark Moron of the Sith was fine in Tarkin's book. He
actually felt sorry for Vader; Ono was an embarrassment to Sith Lords
everywhere.
The worst part of it, and something that even Tarkin would never
dare mention, was that Ono was better at the whole Force thing than
Vader. Their one quarrel had ended with Ono bouncing Vader about the
room like a black-armored racquetball.
This escape would upset Ono immensely. And that, in turn, would
improve Vader's mood enormously, which would make him much easier to
work with.
Tarkin rubbed his forehead absently. A Grand Moff's lot is not a
happy one. He almost wished he hadn't sent Daala off to the middle of
nowhere, but it had been that or die of sexual exhaustion.
He permitted himself a small smile. At least he had fixed that
silly exhaust port weakness. He hoped one of the attacking rebels
actually did get a torpedo in, just so their tiny little minds could be
utterly baffled and horrified when the Death Star failed to explode.
*** ***
"Once again, I've saved us all," Akane proudly announced to the
room.
"Hark, how wondrous are the skills of the talented Akane Soro!
Come to mine golden arms*punch*zzzzzzzurk."
"Yeah, what a brilliant flight plan," muttered Ranma, holding a
medpack to the lump on his head. Akane glared at him.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm saying that only a bloodthirsty maniac like you would plot
an escape course straight through a TIE Fighter training flight."
"I was trying to throw them off guard."
"Was circling them five times to throw them off guard too?"
"Aheh, well..."
"How about shooting at them when they failed to get the hint and
attack you?"
"They might have just been waiting for us to turn our attention
away," Akane weakly offered. Ranma rolled his eyes.
"I don't know who's the more battle-happy of ya, you or that
furball of yours." He thought for a second. "Nice piloting, though."
Akane stammered and blushed.
"I coulda done better, but not bad for a chick."
"WHY YOU!"
From the other end of the lounge, Kasumi frowned slightly. "I
think Chawbaka is coming around, Captain Soro."
Glaring at the ex-princess, Akane walked to stand over the
blinking Wookiee. "And just what was all that about, C-Chan?"
A barrage of agitated, furious growls came in return. Akane
blinked in surprise, and turned to Ranma. "He says you're his sworn
enemy for the crimes you've committed, and that because of you, he's
seen Hell." She stared at him in amazement. "What on earth did you do
to him? I've never heard him that upset about anything!"
"I never did nothin'!" Ranma protested, raising his hands. "I was
sittin' here when he comes out of the cockpit, sees me, and tries ta
mash my head through the floor! I never met him before in my life!"
Frowning, Akane looked back at the snarling Wookiee. "C-Chan, are
you sure this is the person you're after?"
"Roo-rogh!"
"What on earth did he do, anyway?"
A look of supreme terror and embarrassment came over the
Wookiee's face. He growled something inaudible, and tried to look
casual.
Akane sighed. "Right. Look, until you at least tell me what he
did that was so horrible, I don't want you killing him."
Chawbaka gave a frustrated growl, but unhappily nodded his
agreement.
"Wonderful copilot you have there," grumbled Ranma. "I'd sell him
to a circus, if I was you."
"Stop picking on C-Chan," Akane said mildly, drawing her blaster.
"If whatever you did turns out to be really as bad as he claims, I'll
shoot you myself."
Ranma began to respond, looked at the stupidly overpowered
blaster and at the expression on Akane's face, and wisely remained
silent.
"He's normally a very nice young Wookiee," Kasumi volunteered.
"That's right," Akane said. "Anyway, you said the Rebel base was
on Yavin, right? We should be dropping out of hyperspace in about an
hour."
Kasumi raised a hand hesitantly.
"And yes, I was the one who plotted the course."
The hand was lowered.
*** ***
The green moon of Yavin IV was bustling with activity. After all,
it was scheduled to cease to exist pretty soon.
A large stone temple had been converted into a starfighter
hangar/base of operations. Pilots and ground crew ran to and fro,
prepping their ships for the coming battle.
Kasumi strolled through the chaos, almost drooling. These were
far, far better than the old landspeeders and skyhoppers she had flown
back on Tatooine.
The Incom X-Wings in particular caught her eye. The same
corporation manufactured her favorite skyhopper, and the speed/handling
ratio on them was supposed to be amazing. The weaponry wasn't as
substantial as some other designs, but who cared about weaponry? Who on
earth wanted to shoot things, anyway?
The core of Kasumi The Driving Fiend was a mental image of a
happy little bluebird, singing cheerfully as it flew in happy loops and
spirals. Guns really didn't hold any particular appeal to her.
"Miss Tendo? Is that you?"
She turned, vaguely surprised at hearing a familiar voice. "Oh
my. Luke?"
The Skywalker boy nodded. "Yeah. What are you doing here? The
place is about to be attacked by the Empire!" He sounded entirely too
enthusiastic about the prospect, but then Kasumi had always suspected
that he wasn't very bright.
"I was just looking at the Incoms," she said cheerfully,
wondering what on earth Luke was doing in a Rebel hangar instead of
minding his Uncle's crops. "Maybe they'll let me fly one of them
later."
Luke nodded enthusiastically. "Hey, yeah, that's right! You used
to fly like anything, back home! You even did the Beggar's Canyon run
without using the airbrakes once!"
Kasumi demurely acknowledged that she had.
"Wait right here!"
Somewhat relieved, Kasumi watched Luke scamper off and turned her
attention back to the starfighters. She pictured herself flying one of
them, turning graceful loops and delicate rolls, singing her heart out.
"You Tendo?"
Startled out of her daydream, she glanced at the deck officer who
had spoken. "Oh my. Yes?"
"Can you really fly as good as the kid says?"
Kasumi squinted at Luke. "How good is that?"
"He says better than him."
"Oh. Yes."
"Good enough for me." If the cocky young hotshot admitted that
ANYONE was better than him, the deck officer reasoned, then they had to
be pretty good. "Wanna fly?"
Beaming with delight, Kasumi mutely nodded.
"Right." Taking out a checklist, he marked off a number and
handed her a datacard. "You're Gold 23. Check out your flight togs and
a astromech, see to your assigned fighter, and report to the ready room
in two hours."
Kasumi happily took the card. "Thank you!"
"You're welcome. Good luck." The deck officer shook his head and
strolled off. With the possible exception of the Skywalker kid, he had
never seen anyone so eager to go on a suicide mission before.
For her part, Kasumi's glee was only mildly dampened by the fact
that her assigned craft would be a Koensayr Longprobe, the 'Y-Wing',
rather than the beautifully sleek Incoms. The Y-Wing was nowhere near
as graceful, she reasoned, but the top speed was better. She hoped she
would get a chance to look at the engine before she had to take off.
*** ***
"You will be required to maneuver straight down this trench..."
Akane irritably tried to tune out the noise from the adjacent
briefing room. Stupid Rebels and their silly attacks. Still, she
supposed it was good for business, and she liked the idea of attacking
the Empire.
"23,000 credits," she firmly told the bureaucrat. They were like
cockroaches, she thought blackly. Even in the middle of an anti-
government military camp of wild-eyed fanatics, you had people like the
calmly arrogant man sitting in front of her.
As far was she could tell, their only reason for existence was to
stand between her and her money.
"I'm afraid that's out of the question. However, in gratitude for
your daring rescue of an obscure member of royalty from a minor planet
only loosely affiliated with the Alliance, we're willing to give you
all brevet promotions to Lieutenant. Junior Grade, of course. Pay
dependent on duties."
"Perhaps you misunderstood me," Akane told him, fighting down the
urge to simply shoot him. "I said I want 23,000 credits, not to join
the Rebel Alliance."
The paymaster gave her a bland smile. "I understood you. Very
well, how about 1,000 credits and free ship repairs?"
"23,000 credits, and the Empire already repaired the ship free of
charge."
"They have a bigger budget."
A lanky figure in a rather rakish vest strolled in. "I'm here for
my reward. Oh, heya Soro."
Akane gave the new arrival a neutral glance. "Solo."
"Gotten yourself a better ship yet, kid?"
"There's nothing wrong with my ship," she levelly replied.
"Dumped any spice lately?"
"Not recently. Your first mate find his sense of direction yet?"
"Chewbacca ever learn how to count above five, Han?"
The paperpusher watched the two smugglers with fascination, and
wondered if either of them was going to kill the other. He hoped so. It
would save precious credits from the reward fund.
"It true what they say about you and your Wookiee?" Han asked,
somehow managing to put whole volumes of obscene suggestions into a
single raised eyebrow.
Akane blinked.
"I don't know, what do they say?"
Han blinked.
"Well, I mean, you know..."
A mystified expression rolled across Akane's face. The bureaucrat
scratched his head. Han just blinked again.
"That you, you know, sleep together?" he finally ventured.
Akane's face darkened. Han began to wonder if he had pressed his
luck a bit too far.
"Are you suggesting," Akane said, her tone ice cold, "Are you
suggesting that the Hedgehog doesn't have adequate sleeping
facilities?"
They felt the resulting facefault all the way across the base.
"Anyway," the penpusher said, picking himself up off the floor,
"Here's your reward, Captain Solo. 23,000 credits."
Akane gaped. "Wha uh huh? He gets it, just like that?"
The bureaucrat shrugged. "Hey, he rescued Princess Leia."
"Wears white, has a hairdo like a pair of earmuffs?"
"Uh-huh," nodded Han, grinning. "Seeya around, Soro. Assuming you
don't get lost for good." Chuckling, he left, credstick newly charged.
Akane barely kept herself from screaming. "I could have rescued a
mint. Instead, I get Ranma the Sexchanging Wonderbrat. Why? Why does
the universe hate me?"
"2000 credits and a crate of Rebellion T-Shirts, and that's my
final offer."
*** ***
"Hey, Wookiee!"
Chawbaka looked up from his Death Star Fun Book coloring activity
and snarled ominously.
Ranma raised his hands, backing up. "Hey, cool off, willya? Look,
I just wanna talk. See? I even brought a Wookiee-to-Human translator
box." Cautiously walking over, he set a metal cube on the table and
flicked it on. "Honest, man, I never met you before in my life."
The Wookiee growled out a angry string of syllables, which the
box sucked in and spat out in normal language. "Damn you, Saotome!
Because of you, I've seen HELL!"
Ranma blinked. "You mean I somehow got you your job with Captain
Soro?"
"No! Akane is good, kind, gentle, sweet..."
"We _are_ talking about the same Akane Soro, right?"
Chawbaka glared at him. "Curse you! It's because of you that I'm
like this!"
"Stupid?"
"NO! Remember when you were captured the first time, and a
platoon of idealistic young Rebel heroes tried to break you out?"
Ranma scratched his head. "You mean the mercenaries who tried to
kidnap me back from the Empire in order to hold me for ransom? Yeah,
that was right after they tested that damn transformation process on
me." He shuddered.
"Do you remember the person you shoved out of your way as you ran
in cowardly terror for the exit? Platoon Leader Ryoga Hibiki?"
Ranma shrugged. "The guy who tried to grab me? Yeah. I gave him a
good shove, but I aimed him for that tank of liquid to break his fall.
Why?"
The Wookiee snarled. "You idiot! Didn't you even look at the
label on the tank?"
"Um, er... yeah, something like 'Wookiee Metamorph Matrix
Proto..." he trailed off. "Oh. Uh-oh. You mean..."
Chawbaka nodded, showing his fangs.
"Oh. Whoops." Ranma chuckled somewhat nervously. "Sorry, man.
Look, why don't I get you some hot water so that we can talk without
this box..."
"BECAUSE THE DAMN MATRIX WASN'T DONE YET!" Chawbaka bellowed. "It
was one-way only! I'm stuck like this!"
Ranma gaped at him. "Oh. Oh, man."
"I wandered for days after I escaped," Chawbaka said bitterly. "I
had lost the knowledge of human speech, and the only other Wookiees I
met thought that I was insane! I probably would have really gone crazy,
too, if Akane hadn't taken me in." The massive being gave a wistful
sigh. "I couldn't even pronounce my name, so I just gave her something
Wookieesque to call me. She was kind and patient with me, and before
long I had fallen in love with her." His expression darkened. "A love
which she'll never return, because she thinks I'm a damn Wookiee, and
it's all your fault!"
Ranma looked down. "Gee. I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean to..." He
blinked, a thought hitting him. "Hey, hold on, what do you mean she
thinks you're a Wookiee? Didn't you tell her?"
Chawbaka flushed, and shrunk a bit, averting his gaze. Ranma
stared at him incredulously.
"You mean you haven't told her!?"
"It took a long time for her to learn to speak Wookiee!" Chawbaka
snapped defensively. "By then, it would have been... awkward for me to
tell her."
"You've lost me."
The Wookiee flushed a bright red. "Captain Soro is, ah, somewhat
casual about wearing clothing when there's no passengers aboard and the
ship is in hyperspace."
Ranma stared at him. "No way."
Shifting uncomfortably, the Wookiee blushed an even deeper red.
"I tried to keep busy in some other part of the ship, but I had chores
to do, and she would have been hurt if I stayed away from her
altogether..."
"...So you've been getting to drool over her in the buff because
she thinks you're really a alien who's idea of a desirable sex partner
is a skinny gorilla. Right." Ranma snorted in disgust. "No wonder
you're afraid to tell her. Not that I really blame you. She is kinda
cute..."
Chawbaka eyed him ominously.
"For a macho chick pilot, anyway," Ranma hurriedly finished.
"Look, sorry about the Wookiee thing. I really didn't mean to."
"It doesn't matter what you meant! Because of you, I'm a walking
shag carpet!"
"But hey, man, look! I got the cure in the R2 unit, remember?"
Chawbaka straightened sharply. "That's right! The cure! Quick,
what do I have to do?"
Ranma shrugged. "Well, it's not the actual cure. It's just the
location of the lab designed to reverse the treatment. I figure we can
just storm the place and force them to cure us."
The Wookiee grinned savagely. "Damn right we will! Now,
where's.."
He froze.
"Hold on. Didn't Nodoka say that the plans looked an awful lot
like the..."
Ranma moaned, seeing it. "Death Star. Oh, jeez, we just broke out
of there!"
Chawbaka shrugged philosophically. "It'll still be there when we
return."
A door opened down the hall. "Now man your ships, and may The
Force be with you." A cheer was heard, and pilots in flight gear rushed
out.
Ranma looked at Chawbaka.
Chawbaka looked at Ranma.
"Hahah. They don't have a chance in hell, right?"
"Not a chance. Eheh."
Chawbaka looked at Ranma.
Ranma looked at Chawbaka.
"Oh shit."
"We need a ship, NOW."
"We can take the Hedgehog. Can you fly?"
Ranma grinned. "Can I fly? C'mon, let's go."
*** ***
Kasumi clambered into the cockpit, absently wondering why
everyone seemed so excited. She had been too busy tuning the Y-Wing's
engine to attend the briefing, but she figured that she'd just follow
the lead of everyone else. After all, they must like to fly too.
Although they didn't know how to keep a lovely starfighter in
peak condition. Why, she had cleaned the thrust heads, and adjusted the
fusion manifold, and installed the Ion-Enhancer fix that improved speed
dramatically, and hardly ever caused the engine to explode violently.
Kasumi always felt that it was a silly thing to ban. Anyway, a good two
hours of work had done wonders to the handling and pushed the top speed
well beyond the design tolerance.
Buckling herself in, she hit the rear intercom button. "Ready to
go, HT?"
The little droid gave a series of dubious beeps. It had been
talking to the Y-Wing's diagnostic computer about the new
modifications, and was unnerved by the fact that the computer was doing
the digital equivalent of huddling in a corner gibbering with terror.
Undismayed, Kasumi fired up the engines and, with the rest of
Gold Flight, zoomed into space.
She had never actually flown a craft out of the high atmosphere.
It wasn't, she was finding, much of a change. In fact, it was actually
easier, since you didn't have to worry about wind and gravity.
Her intercom crackled. "Gold Flight, this is Gold Leader. You
know the mission. Either we blow that station to Hell and back, or no-
one goes home. Got that?"
Oh. Oh my.
She pressed the intercom. "You mean this is a combat mission?"
The rest of Gold Flight laughed heartily in their cockpits,
relieved that someone was making a joke to ease the tension.
"Remember, we're going to be outgunned severely. If it has wings
and doesn't have a name beginning with X or Y, it wants to kill you.
Most of us probably aren't going to make it back, but we all know
what's at stake. All that matters is that one of us makes it."
Kasumi was getting a very, very bad feeling about this. By the
time Gold Leader finished describing the towers, TIE Fighter squadrons,
turbolaser batteries, and gunboats waiting for them at the Death Star,
she was just a tad edgy.
Well. Goodness. If she was going to fly into all that terrible a
mess, she'd better run the Y-Wing through it's paces. She had already
looked to see where the guns were.
She broke formation slightly, climbing to test the stick
response.
"Gold 23! Tai, above you, 5-O-Clock!"
Yaah! They must be diving at her from above! Almost panicking,
Kasumi quickly fired the upper turret guns in the direction indicated
by the warning cry.
"*&^%%$$#%@! My port engine! She shot my port engine off!"
"Gold 23, have you lost your mind?"
Kasumi whimpered, and looked through the top viewport to see a Y-
Wing above her breaking formation, one engine nacelle missing. "But...
but you said there was a TIE Fighter at...."
"No, I warned you that you were in danger of colliding with Daav
Tai. Gold 17."
"Oh. Oh dear."
"Gold Leader, I'm going to have to return to base. Sorry."
"That's okay, Daav."
"Good luck."
"Sorry," Kasumi meekly told the intercom.
*** ***
Somewhat guiltily, the two conspirators snuck up the ramp of the
_Impudent Hedgehog_.
"Rraurgh," commented Chawbaka dubiously.
"Don't worry, we'll be there and back before she even notices
that it's gone," Ranma told him reassuringly. "No sweat."
Going up to the cockpit, they fired up the engine and zoomed out
of the hangar.
In the pilot's seat, Ranma's brow was dripping with sweat. Not
because of the fact that his cure might be about to go up in an atomic
fireball. Not because he was about to board the biggest existing
Imperial battlestation with his only companion a psychotic Wookiee who
hated his guts. No, that he could deal with. It was just that it was
damn hot in the cockpit, probably due to the engine vents under the
seat.
"Sheesh," he muttered, slipping out of his clothing as he mopped
away the perspiration. "No wonder she went around bare when she could.
This junkheap needs an air conditioner."
Chawbaka gave a noncommittal growl, pointed to the engine
readouts and left. Probably to go tend the overheating furnace, or
power plant, or wood-burning stove, or whatever infernal energy source
powered the Hedgehog.
Even from the other side of the solar system, he could already
see the Death Star, looking like the nastiest steel marble in the
galaxy. He smiled grimly, and took another sip from the glass of ice
water he had poured himself.
A footstep echoed on the deck behind him, and he swiveled the
chair around. "Yo, Wookiee, the engine... uh...."
"C-Chan, why are we in... oh my..."
Akane Soro, having woken up from her nap, had changed into her
Stupidly-Hot-Cockpit outfit. Namely, the same thing Ranma was wearing.
Namely, nothing.
There was a highly awkward moment of silence and stares of
horrified fascination. This was immediately followed by hands moving to
cover certain areas. And then by Captain Soro screaming in indignation.
"PERVERT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING FLYING MY SHIP!"
Ranma waved his hands in a gesture of innocence, remembered that
those hands needed to be concealing something, and hastily moved them
back. "Er, ah, just getting the ship into space, didn't wanna wake
you..."
"AND WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING ANY CLOTHES?"
"Well, why aren't you?"
Akane turned a bright red. "GET OUT OF MY COCKPIT!"
"But, see, we gotta..."
"OUT! OUT! OUT!"
Ranma's mind reeled. His cure was gonna get blown up!
"Hey, Kasumi!" he said, frantically looking over the irate
Captain Soro's shoulder. Akane glanced behind her, and Ranma smoothly
drew his blaster, flicked it to 'light stun', and shot her. For a
terrifying moment she turned, gave him a baleful look, and then
collapsed to the deck.
Chawbaka picked this moment to enter. He took one look at the
scene, gave a bellow of fury, and rushed for Ranma.
"Gah! Hey, wait! It's only stun! Gaaaaaaaacccccck!" The Wookiee's
hand clamped around his throat. "Gaaaaaaaccck.... she was gonna
makeusturnback! Only stun!"
Snarling ominously, Chawbaka glanced back at Akane, looking
somewhat mollified when he noticed that she was snoring like a
chainsaw. Reluctantly, he set Ranma down.
"Jeez, grumpy Wookiee." He glanced guiltily at Akane. "You'd
better take her back to her quarters or somethin'. I mean, we can't
just leave her on the floor. She'd get in the way."
Chawbaka nodded, bent over, and froze. A thin trickle of blood
ran from one tufted nostril, and he glanced helplessly at Ranma.
The Neriman prince snorted. "What? I'm not gonna do it! You want
_me_ to touch the ugly chick? At least you ain't even the same
species!"
Smirking, the Wookiee grabbed the glass of ice water and soaked
him.
"Augh! What'd you do that for! Oh. Right." Sighing, she grabbed
up Akane's limp form in a fireman's carry. "Her quarters are toward the
middle, right? By the second cargo hold?"
Chawbaka nodded. Ranma sighed. "Just don't touch the controls,
okay? I'll be right back."
She walked down the corridor, stopping before a door with
"Captain Akane Soro" carefully painted on it. Shifting the load in her
arms uncomfortably, Ranma pushed it open. And blinked.
Ranma had expected the fearsome Captain Soro's cabin to be a lot
like the rest of the ship. Functional (barely), spartan, feminine as a
sledgehammer, with perhaps a gun rack or a collection of severed heads
to add a bit of color.
She definitely hadn't expected it to be painted a pale pink.
There were trophies on a narrow, shabby table. High School
Shooting team, Varsity Piloting, Honorable Mention For Bakeoff
Competition. Ranma tried and failed to imagine Akane baking anything
with a non-lethal instrument.
A bookshelf had several rather dog-eared paperbacks, their covers
all various shades of purple, pink, and silver. A closer examination
revealed that they had titles like "Love Roams The Spaceways," and
"Untamed Heart".
The slightly open wardrobe had several pairs of rumpled
Functional Smuggler Clothing, and a neatly pressed pink dress tucked in
a corner. It had ruffles. It was cute as the dickens. And it had the
sort of stiff, new quality that suggested that it had never been worn,
and the sort of plastic slipcover that suggested that it wasn't going
to be worn any time soon. A folded school uniform, slightly dusty,
peeked out from behind a knitting needle and pair of half-mended socks.
Ranma carefully set her down on the bed - which had enough frilly
lace to clothe an entire platoon of French maids - and pulled the
covers over her. There was a battered stuffed nerf on one corner of the
frilly coverlet... which, she noted with mounting horror, had a cross-
eyed kitten stitched on it... and she stared in disbelief as Dread
Captain Soro sleepily grabbed it and cuddled it. The nerf's one
remaining button eye glared balefully at Ranma.
Quietly, feeling like a complete bastard, she left. The Death
Star would be coming up soon.
*** ***
"Here we go!"
"Oh my!"
The pilots who survived the Battle of Yavin would talk about many
things. They'd mention Skywalker's run down the trench. They'd sadly
recall the men who didn't come back. And they'd talk about That Maniac
Piloting Gold 23.
Kasumi wasn't very good with guns. So she stopped using them.
She saved the lives of just about every member of Gold Flight at
least once. A TIE Fighter would be bearing down on them, guns spitting
death, when all of a sudden the Y-Wing would roar through the Imperial
formation like a sparrow on PCP, sending the TIEs scrambling to get out
of the way, or reeling from the wake. Several collided with each other
in their mad efforts to avoid the obviously insane Rebel in the
stupidly fast Y-Wing.
Around her, men screamed, swore, fought, and died.
Inside Gold 23's cockpit, Kasumi's happy little bluebird was
singing it's deranged little heart out.
*** ***
Ranma and Chawbaka stared at the battle.
"Man, look at this mess!"
"Roogh."
Picking up the transmitter, Ranma sent a channel to the Death
Star. "Death Star, this is the supply freighter! Open a docking bay,
now!"
"Please state your identification code and registra..."
"Let us in! Before we're killed! It's a damn war out here!"
"I'm afraid I need to..."
"Does this ship _look_ like an X-Wing? Let us in NOW, or you can
get your damn pleasure holodiscs somewhere else!"
"Pleasure Holo...? Right. Bay 34 is open, supply freighter."
Ranma smirked.
She maneuvered the ship easily into bay 34, touching down gently.
Hopping out of the pilot's seat, Ranma located the small container of
hot water she had been saving for an emergency. This seemed as good an
emergency as any and poured it over her head, changing back to male.
Now if he could just avoid cold water and keep the "princess"
from putting in an appearance, things should go smoothly. If Chawbaka
could manage to control himself. Stupid Wookiee.
Quickly redressing, Ranma strapped a blaster holster on just in
case. Sometimes it came in handy to shoot the control panels of doors
so they slammed in a mob of Imperial stormtrooper's faces.
"Yo, hairball, are ya coming, or what?" he yelled, having not a
clue where the pathetic fool had gone. He waited a moment, walking
slowly to the ramp, listening for a response. Shaking his head, he
tried again. "Hey..."
"Raaawwr," Chawbaka answered from right behind Ranma.
Ranma squawked and leapt six feet away, hitting his head on the
low ceiling. "Whadja do that for?" he yelled, rubbing the top of his
head.
"Roarawr."
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Aww, jeez." He pulled the translator cube
out of his shirt and switched it on. "Look, we gotta get to the lab and
fast." Ranma began walking more quickly to the ramp. "They seemed
pretty friendly before, so maybe we could just ask for the deluxe tour
or somethin' stupid. Unless you got a better look at the plans, 'cause
I didn't see too close where it was."
He stopped and looked back at Chawbaka. Who just happened to be
wandering in the other direction. "I guess we take the tour."
"C'mon, hairball. We got to get this cure and get out." Ranma
jogged back, grabbed Chawbaka's considerable arm, and pulled him in the
other direction.
Chawbaka looked confused for a moment, then his gaze darkened.
"We can't just leave Akane here! Who knows what kind of things the
filthy Imperial swine will..."
"Give it a rest, 'C-Chan'. I don't think they're that desperate.
Yet."
"Don't call me C-Chan. Only Akane calls me that."
"Right, furface." Ranma lowered the ramp.
Chawbaka growled dangerously. "Don't call me furface!"
Ranma looked at him while the ramp continued to lower. "Rasta-
Wookiee?"
"Why you..."
"You ARE lookin' kinda stringy. When's the last time you been to
have that coat trimmed? I mean, I seen banthas better lookin' than
you." Ranma had a big cocky grin on his face.
"Now you DIE!"
*** ***
The ramp began to lower, too slowly, and the group of eager
officers and troopers awaiting their pick of pleasure holodiscs leaned
forward in anticipation.
What they weren't anticipating was a young man, dressed in a red
shirt and black pants, hurtling out of the ship at them.
Ranma shouted a warning, then covered his face with his arms as
he plowed into the group of Imperial personnel. The was the last time
he was ever dumb enough to tease a sensitive Wookiee like that.
Knocking them all aside and flying across the bay to impact with
the wall, Ranma slid to the floor and mumbled, "Ouch."
Chawbaka stomped down the ramp after him, growling the entire
time. He stepped on one unfortunate officer, who was never quite able
to get the smell out of that uniform again.
Ranma sat up slowly, rubbing his head yet again, grimacing.
"Stupid Wookiee. 'S justa joke." Shaking off the pain, he assessed the
situation quickly.
One foaming Wookiee, one group of... frustrated Imperial drones,
and one giant battle station about to be blown to bits along with his
cure. Right, priorities.
"Besides, we gotta get that cure! Then you can cough up a
hairball on me!" he yelled, bringing the Wookiee to a halt.
"Maybe..."
"Let's get going." He spared a glance at the ship, hoped Akane
would be... wouldn't get her tomboy butt in too much trouble, and
headed into the heart of the Death Star. Or at least to the cafeteria.
He was starving.
*** ***
"Hey, buddy," Ranma said, trying to sound oh so nonchalant. "I've
heard something about a Project J. Mind showing it to us?"
"Well, it's not really on the way, but I suppose, for a couple of
guys like yourselves, I can make the exception. You know the entire
station is supposed to be under alert," the guide offered happily.
"Something about rebels blowing the place up, or some other nonsense."
He laughed. "That's about the silliest thing I've ever heard. How about
you?"
Ranma gave him a sick smile. "Yeah, pretty stupid," he said
weakly.
The guide continued on. "Yeah, I don't know why you guys would
actually want to see Project J. It's nothing interesting really. Just a
bunch of big vat-type things and scientists running around all over the
place. And I've seen some real weird stuff there too, doing the tour at
peak hours and all."
"Weird stuff?" Ranma asked. "What, like dancing pandas or
somethin'?"
The guide laughed. "Nothing that normal!" The look on his face
suddenly grew very serious. "I'll tell you what, though... Not too long
ago, I saw some guy, poor bastard, walk in human and he came out..."
The guide shuddered. "He was some big slimy, tentacled thing, one big
eye on a stalk, slithering around. It escaped and went down into the
garbage disposal system." He laughed suddenly. "For all we know, it's
still down there."
Ranma and Chawbaka looked aghast at the tale.
"I asked about it later, to maybe tell it to scare the kids, and
they said that it had been some captain Lord Ono had gotten fed up
with. Captain Taro I think was the name." The guide shook his head,
honking the little horn on the tram to clear a group of TIE fighter
pilots out of the way.
"That's rough," Ranma replied sympathetically.
"Yeah. I knew that guy. He was pretty much a jerk, but to be
turned into a big, ugly slimeball..." He brightened. "We're here!"
*** ***
Akane awoke slowly, her head throbbing. The last thing she
remembered was... was...
"RANMA!"
"Wow! She's lively! I want a copy of this one!"
"She's cute too!"
"Whoa ho ho... She's naked!"
Akane stared at the group of men leering at her from her doorway.
"What are you doing on my ship, PERVERTS!" She pulled the blaster out
from underneath her pillow and began firing away, absently pulling a
blanket up to cover herself.
*** ***
The crappy thing about being a lieutenant was that he wasn't
allowed to actually go on board and remove the precious cargo. Instead,
he had to stay outside and supervise it all. That always meant the best
discs were gone by the time he got to them. Oh, to be an enlisted man
again.
But, as quickly as the men had rushed into the ship, pushing and
shoving each other, they were currently on their way out in the same
fashion.
He gaped as the group of men knocked each other aside, yelling
something about a rabid... wampa? They rushed past him and were quickly
followed by blaster fire in a rather wild pattern.
Ducking himself, he dove to the side, and peered at the ramp
through the heavy cover of some containers of imported... fruit cake?
Not again.
Of course, as soon as the "rabid wampa" appeared, the officer's
face grew very red and he got them stupidest grin on his face.
If THAT was a rabid wampa, he was gonna move to Hoth and learn to
like cold baths.
In fact, it was only Akane, a towel barely wrapped around
herself, the blaster leveled in front of her, her hair in complete
disarray, and the cutest pissed off look on her face. "PERVERTS! GET
BACK HERE!"
Hmphing, Akane turned and disappeared into the ship.
*** ***
"Lord Ono, I have your report."
"Excellent. Let me see."
The numbers for the week's tours of Project J flashed on screen.
Tofu made a strangled noise. "Not THIS report, you imbecile! The
rebels, the rebels!"
"My Lord, Vader is supervising..."
"Not THOSE rebels! Princess Saotome!"
"Uh..." Shrugging was the young officer's last act.
Wiping some stray mess off himself, Tofu shook his head. "Do I
have to do everything myself?"
*** ***
Akane quickly changed into her regular outfit, still miffed over
the crowd of Imperial hentais staring at her. And she had it all to
blame on Ranma. Ranma who took her ship, stared at her when she was
naked, actually shot her, then left her there for the pervert jackals.
She would have his pigtail in a vice if it was the last thing she
did.
There was a creaking noise and when she looked, Akane saw that
she had her hand closed around some vital components of C-KN0. She
looked at the droid curiously, then shrugged and released her hold. It
was only a droid, and a damn annoying one at that.
Unfortunately, her little temper control exercise had also
alerted the droid, who was just coming out of shutdown mode. "Who would
dare damage the... Oh! The mighty space huntress! Please let me serve
you!" He reached out with his one functional arm to her.
It was beginning to be habit to just imbed her fist in the
droid's face whenever it started talking. Not that it wasn't a helpful
habit or anything.
But anyway, she had another "princess" to rescue. She figured
Ranma had probably kidnapped C-Chan to drag him along on some silly...
She paused to shoot a pair of Death Squad troopers who happened to
wander by.
Some silly thing that princes and princesses couldn't live
without, and was probably back in the prison block, and it would be up
to Akane Soro to save the day again. Sighing, Akane took out a pair of
stormtroopers carrying big boxes of toys labeled 'Imperial Toys for
Tots'.
Damn Empire.
*** ***
Ranma and Chawbaka both had their faces pressed against the thick
protective glass that surrounded the lab area of Project J. Thankfully,
they were the only tourists on the tour this time, so no-one but the
guide saw the big drool smears they were leaving.
"You really think it's that interesting?" their guide asked,
looking disinterestedly through the glass.
The two nodded absently, their eyes wide and shining at the
prospect of getting cured.
"You know, if you're that interested, I can get you a look at it
close up," the guide offered. Accommodating the guest was good hype for
the Empire. The kid looked like a promising recruit. The Wookiee...
well, not everyone was perfect.
Ranma was suddenly grabbing the front of his uniform, putting
them nose to nose. "Inside. Now."
"No problem. The Empire likes to see enthusiastic young men like
yourself." The guide removed Ranma's hands from his uniform and smiled
knowingly. "It IS quite an opportunity. Follow me."
*** ***
"Hey, you!"
Akane froze in place, her hand slipping to her blaster. She
turned slowly.
"Your group is on the deluxe tour. You should probably catch up
with them and get off this station on the double. There aren't supposed
to be any civilians here now."
Akane stared at the officer speaking to her. "Deluxe... tour?"
"Yeah. It goes down to the reactor, all the way to the bridge and
past Project J." He waited for some sign of acknowledgment from her,
then nodded. "Ah. Boyfriend dragged you along, huh? Don't worry. We'll
get you back to your group."
*** ***
"Which one do we jump into?" Chawbaka whispered as best he could.
"Dunno. Why don't you ask them?" Ranma responded, pointing to the
guards at the door.
"Very funny. This isn't a time to make jokes though. I WANT that
cure. I'm tired of being a Wookiee. I want to be human again."
"Hey, you think I want to turn into a girl? Thing again,
fuzzball. At least you get some respect. People treat me like some
helpless little girl. And a princess to boot. I can't do anything on my
own then." Ranma hmphed. "Just because you don't wear clothes and are
hard ta understand doesn't mean you've got it all bad."
Chawbaka growled, then hit Ranma.
"Ouch! Stupid Wookiee," Ranma growled, while rubbing the back of
his head.
That got the guards looking at the two of them curiously, to
which they smiled and waved a little.
The guards, not liking the sight of a smiling Wookiee any more
than the next guy, turned their attention forward again. The two were
probably a couple looking for that vat that turned men into buxom young
ladies. Perverts.
"So, which one?" Ranma repeated, looking at the bubbling vats.
"Oh don't know. Just jump in one and see if it's it."
"Dream on! If anyone should be jumpin' in one, it's you. You're
the one that's stuck that way for good." Ranma scowled at Chawbaka,
gesturing to the vats.
"No way! They're looking for you, not me. You're the one with the
bigger problems. Besides," he said, staring dubiously at the bubbling
liquids, "being a Wookiee's not so bad."
The light going on over Ranma's head was almost tangible.
Ignoring the rest of Chawbaka's hesitant denials, Ranma looked at the
two guards. "Yo, what happens if someone falls in and don't want to
be?" he asked. Heck, he wasn't a prince for nothin'.
"Yeah, you'd think they'd get the point and set up some guard
rails. They're just begging for a lawsuit."
The guard's partner chuckled. "Yeah, who's going to sue the
Empire? Better yet, who would be the prosecuting attorney?" His
chuckling turned into laughter.
The two were soon laughing at the folly of challenging the
Empire. Just look at them? Who would dare challenge them, and they were
only guards?
"Anyway, guys, why don't you just check the labels on those tubs?
That's one thing about the bubbleheads around here, they're pretty good
about putting their names on their toys," the first guard continued
after his laughter had died.
Ranma and Chawbaka peered at the dull gray vats, noting a code
name and number on each one. They slapped their foreheads in unison.
"Yeah, well thanks for yer help."
"No problem. Just don't get too close; that stuff is potent...
permanent even."
Ranma grinned at Chawbaka. "Yeah, we know."
"Why you..."
"Not now, 'C-Chan', we gotta find the cure."
Saving his anger for later, hopefully when Ranma was asleep,
Chawbaka nodded. The cure was more important than the petty insults.
The two began walking casually around, looking at each of the
tanks curiously, just looking for the one that had the big neon sign
that read "CURE!"
The feelings of urgency running through them began to escalate
when they heard the faint sounds of alert sirens and explosions. The
rebels were attacking in an attempt to blow the place up. To blow up
the cure. To blow up Ranma's manhood and Chawbaka's chance at being
human.
They were still looking when a scientist, dressed in Imperial
black and drab, entered, looked at them strangely, then entered a door
on the far side of the room.
Before the door slid shut, Ranma caught sight of a small sign
that read "Reversal Formula #84649c". It didn't mean a whole lot to
him. The smaller text beneath it that read "AKA Cure" did. He stared,
wide-eyed, as the door closed silently. That was it.
That was it. "Yahoo!" he yelled, then sprinted over to the door.
Hitting the panel repeatedly, trying to force the door open, he was
starting to get a little annoyed. He looked back at Chawbaka, who was
still wandering around. "Hey, Furface, gimme a hand here."
He pointed secretively at the door, trying not to give away their
plans to the entire station. Not that it mattered considering they had
given him a tour of the top secret Project J. Shrugging after seeing
the blank looks the Wookiee was giving he said, "The cure's in here."
A look of understanding dawned on Chawbaka's face and he hurried
over to help Ranma. The two worked on the control pad to no avail. The
door simply refused to open.
With his incredible strength and pathetic attention span,
Chawbaka growled at the panel and promptly put his fist through it.
There was a shower of sparks, the smell of burning rubber, and some
loud, mechanical squealing.
Ranma looked at the decimated panel. "Uh oh," he said quietly,
sparing a glance back at the guards. They were now looking at them and
started advancing.
"Way to go! You don't you just run around yelling, 'I'm a rebel!
Shoot me!'? It'll get us killed faster!" Ranma growled, knowing full
well they wouldn't be killed by some park rangers with guns to soothe
their egos.
Removing his hand from the hole in the wall he had created,
Chawbaka turned to face the two guards with Ranma. "Whoops," he said,
scratching the back of his head.
"Too late to worry about it now," Ranma answered, dropping into
an attack position.
Chawbaka followed suit just as the guards raised their weapons.
The door that the two had been trying to get open, opened. "What
is going..." the scientist started to say as he emerged.
That broke the tension as the guards started firing, and Ranma
and Chawbaka leapt into action.
And without fail, another element was added to the chaos. The
main door opened, and in walked Akane, escorted by another guard.
Blasters were drawn, blasters were fired, fists were swinging, hapless
guards were getting tossed around... The scientists wasn't all that
surprised to see it happening.
"Akane! The cure!" Ranma yelled at her, avoiding a stray blaster
shot.
"Where?" Akane was getting tired of this. Too many Imperials
running around unchecked. She grabbed one guards arm, twisted her body
and flung him into the others, sending them all flying back into the
scientist. The pile tumbled back into the second room. Bringing her
blaster up like a gunslinger, Akane shot the, hmm... already busted up
control panel.
Luckily, she smiled as she watched the doors closed, it still
worked.
Ranma and Chawbaka were not smiling. In fact, they looked
horrified. Even maybe a bit angry.
"What were you saying about the cure?" Akane asked, reholstering
her blaster.
"It was behind that door," Ranma said unemotionally.
"Oh. Oops, sorry about that. But, we have to go anyway. This
place is about to be..."
"You. Clumsy. Brainless. Tomboy. Wannabe. Pilot! I'm STUCK this
way now!" Ranma yelled, still staring at the closed door.
"Don't blame me, pervert! It's not my fault you didn't get your
stupid cure! Or that you got cursed in the first place, Princess!"
Akane shot back, feeling a little hurt by the insults, but more mad
than anything.
Chawbaka made a plaintive noise, looking at the door wistfully.
If only... If only... "Rowr rowr roah groawww!" And the stupid
translation cube had been destroyed too. And the ki blasts he had
learned didn't work all too well when he was a Wookiee.
"What's he sayin'?" Ranma asked, looking strangely at Chawbaka.
Akane shrugged. "He does that sometimes. Now, I am going back to
the ship and leaving this station. You WILL come with me so I can drop
you off back with the Rebellion and never have to see you again." Akane
put her hands on her hips and was glowering at Ranma.
Ranma shook his head. "No, there's gotta be another way to get
that door open. You're just gonna have to wait." Ranma went over to a
somewhat damaged console and began doing his damnedest to get the door
open.
It's gotta be one of these," he said, sweat on his forehead,
pushing things at random. One red button that he hit, that maybe he
shouldn't have, did something... unpleasant.
A red light suddenly bathed the room. A androgynous voice spoke
to them, saying, "Flushing tanks in 10 seconds."
"Flushing tanks? What's that mean?" Akane asked, looking around.
Chawbaka looked up at where Akane was standing, right next to a
tank that was apparently filled with Rodian water. He couldn't allow
Akane to turn into a green, bug-eyed, long-snouted alien! He liked her
too much as a soft-skinned, short-haired, pouty lips, round eyes, long
legs, delicate hands...
"YO, BAKA BRAIN!" Ranma yelled at him, shaking him. "LET'S GO!"
Chawbaka shook his head, a slight trickle of blood coming from
his nose. He nodded, noting that Ranma had given up on the door
(something he would get him for later), and made his way to the exit
with the others.
The three left, moving quickly, but not running. Ranma was
cursing under his breath the entire time, not believing how worthless
his luck was.
Akane looked at him quickly, then over at Chawbaka. "Oh, C-Chan,
you're hurt," she said when she saw the blood at his nose. "Let me take
care of that," she said, whipping out a hankie. She dabbed at the blood
and wiped it all away.
"How is that?" she asked, smiling gently at him.
Ranma made a gagging motion, then yanked the hankie from Akane.
"Look, it's bad enough that I lost my cure. I don't need to sit here
and watch you two get all... puppy-love here." He shuddered
involuntarily.
"Why don't you just keep quiet, Princess? This is none of your
business, anyway."
"And glad of it," Ranma answered smartly. He took the bloodied
hankie and as they passed what looked like a trash chute built into the
wall, he stuffed it in it.
The walk back to the ship was made in uneasy silence, a
combination of them being really irked at each other, madly in love
with each other, and ready to shoot the crap out of any Imperials that
got too close.
*** ***
A station like the Death Star is an immense project to undertake.
Even for the Empire, it takes lots of time, lots of material, and lots
of funds.
In one way or another, there were bound to be... loose ends.
Cost-cutting maneuvers, only three bolts there, instead of four, a door
that doesn't open completely, improper venting for the superlaser...
Heck, they're things anybody would have done to shave a few
credits off the top. After all, who would be dumb enough to throw trash
down one of the vents that released that superheated air as the laser
was about to fire? Who would be that dumb?
Just because they had saved a few MORE credits by not painting
them red, or using any warnings around the vents... no one would be
dumb enough.
Surely, no one could be. Because any tiny bit of trash that could
catch on fire, or melt, or mess up the overall ejection of that hot
gas... Well, surely that would mean one big-ass explosion.
It said so in the safety guide.
*** ***
"I'm going in, cover me!"
The few remaining X-Wings began their run down the trench, taking
fire from every conceivable direction but up.
This was partly because up was being covered by Gold 23. Whenever
a TIE strayed too close to the trench, it's collision warning would
blare madly as the Y-Wing from Hell bore down on it with apparently
suicidal intentions. The TIE would panic and try to avoid the fiery
crash, and usually would manage to smear itself all over the side of
the Death Star. Several other members of Gold Flight quickly caught on
and followed in Kasumi's wake, blowing apart the dazed Imperials that
managed to survive the initial charge.
Lord Ono noticed this immediately.
"Flank me," he commanded his wingmen. Carefully, relentlessly, he
maneuvered his Advanced TIE Fighter behind the insane Y-Wing and kicked
in the afterburners to keep up.
There was a definite presence to this one, he felt. He hadn't had
this sort of feeling since the Jedi Praxeum...
"The Force is strong with this one," he warned his wingmen. They
ignored him.
Lord Ono painstakingly lined up the Rebel fighter in his sights.
A beeping from the computer signaled a lock, and he peered at the rear
cockpit to try and catch a glimpse of the pilot before he shot.
*** ***
Kasumi wrenched the stick, angling to make a run at another TIE.
"Kasumi! Behind you!"
"Nodoka?" she asked, quickly glancing behind her.
*** ***
Ono's wingmen smirked as they saw him slide into firing position.
In front of them, the figure in the Y-Wing's cockpit turned around.
"*Zun cha cha! Zun cha cha!*"
The smirks changed to frowns. The one on the left thumbed the
intercom. "*Lord?*"
"*Zun cha cha!*"
"*What the hell is he saying?"
"*I dunno. Sounds like bad singing.*"
"*Zun cha cha!*"
"*Maybe it's some sort of Sith chant or something?*"
"*Maybe...*"
Lord Ono's fighter dipped and weaved alarmingly, swerved, shot
one of his wingmates, and danced drunkenly off into deep space.
*** ***
Kasumi gave a bemused smile, and turned her attention back to the
battle. What a nice, funny TIE Fighter! Especially for not blowing her
to pieces.
*** ***
"You shot the 'Imperial Toys for Tots' guys?" Ranma said, staring
at the bodies and overturned boxes of toys. "Those were for orphans!
Even the Rebellion has a little more class than that!"
"Well excuse me! They were threatening me, and I had to find
you," Akane said, walking quickly back to her ship.
"Threatened you? With what? A stuffed nerf? Jeez, I can't believe
it..."
Akane hit turned around and hit Ranma with the butt of her
blaster. "Fine! You can stay here then." She turned on her heel, and
marched into the Hedgehog. "Come on, C-Chan," she ordered from inside.
Patting Ranma on the head, Chawbaka, hurried after Akane,
snickering.
Feeling his head for permanent marks, Ranma stood up and limped
slowly back to the ship. He was at the base of the ramp when he heard
Akane yelling.
"You stupid droid! Don't touch me again!"
Then C-KN0 came flying at him, pronouncing his most joyous
reunion with the rebel space huntress, apparently alerting every
trooper within one deck. The droid crashed into Ranma, and the two
tumbled to the floor.
"Get offa me, ya worthless droid!" Ranma yelled pushing the droid
off himself, then standing.
"Stop! Don't move!" some foolish officer yelled at him. Like it
ever actually worked.
Ranma ducked and rolled, not waiting for anything more, and
picked C-KN0 up. He turned, holding the droid in front of him as a
shield, and began backing up the ramp as the troopers with the officer
opened fired.
"Get this junk pile out of here!" Ranma yelled into the ship,
hoping Akane could hear him. "We got company! And lots of it!"
The ramp began to close, and with C-KN0 taking all the blaster
fire, Ranma was safe in the Hedgehog in one piece. Now to give it to
that tomboy if she didn't get out of there by the time he could get to
the cockpit.
*** ***
"You're all clear, kid! Now let's blow this thing and go home!"
Kasumi smiled pleasantly as she watched Luke's torpedoes go in.
How nice! Luke must be very proud.
The remaining craft began to break off from their attack runs,
and burned engine away from the Death Star. Kasumi supposed she should
probably follow suit.
She was mildly puzzled to see the _Impudent Hedgehog_ zoom out of
a docking bay and almost overtake the fighters as they headed back
towards Yavin. Had Akane come along for the battle? She certainly
seemed to be in an awful hurry...
*** ***
"Commence primary ignition."
The torpedoes zoomed down the exhaust port, slammed into the
hastily erected proton dissipation field, and fizzled harmlessly.
The massive plasma turbines spun to life, sending energy pouring
down conduits.
The gas produced by this was routed out a series of vents...
including one containing a merrily burning bloody handkerchief, which
ignited the highly flammable gas.
The resulting explosion was a minor one, but severely disaligned
one of the superlaser shafts. Instead of pointing out the firing port,
it now slumped downwards into the Death Star.
It fired, and cut a plasma reactor in half. This time, the
explosion wasn't so minor.
Can you say, "chain reaction"? We knew you could.
*** ***
*BOOM*
"Yeehaw!"
"Oh my. How pretty!"
*** ***
A regal, solemn processional march played as the heroes proudly
marched down the aisle to receive the honor that was due to them.
In the docking bay adjacent to the ceremony hall, Captain Soro,
Chawbaka, and Ranma sat and glared at each other.
"Stupid tomboy smuggler. Now I'm never gonna be cured!"
"Well, maybe if you had actually asked me to help you instead of
STEALING my ship, SHOOTING me, and leaving me NAKED for a bunch of
Imperial goons to drool over..."
"Raaarugh."
"No, C-Chan, you can't kill him."
"Thank you."
"I'M gonna kill him."
"Hey! I'm the one who still grows a uterus when the shower's too
cold! Cut me some slack!"
"Baka."
"Roorugh?"
"Not you."
They stared gloomily at the Hedgehog. It was going to been down
for repairs for a while; the Death Star's superlaser had given Akane
some ideas that she wanted to test out.
Ranma finally squirmed. "Look, sorry about shooting you like
that. I just kinda panicked, and, well... sorry."
Akane shrugged. "It's okay, I guess. Sorry I destroyed your
cure."
There was an awkward silence.
"Hey, where's Kasumi?" Ranma finally asked.
"She's in that big hall where they're having the ceremony," Akane
replied a little wistfully. "This handsome young pilot blew up the
Death Star, and they're giving him a medal."
"Really? Handsome young pilot? Blew up Death Star? What's his
name?"
Akane managed to completely miss the dangerous tone in Ranma's
voice. "Luke Skywalker, I think."
Chawbaka and Ranma exchanged glances, smiled grimly, cracked
their knuckles, and nodded. The Empire was going to be the least of
Skywalker's problems.
"I think Kasumi's joining the Rebellion," Akane continued.
"Apparently she's a pretty good pilot, and they lost a lot of those
during the battle."
Ranma shook his head in disbelief. "Somehow Kasumi doesn't strike
me as a starfighter ace."
"Check her kill record. It's very impressive. Especially
considering that fact that she didn't use her guns." Akane swallowed.
"Look... I've been thinking about it, and I'm going to join the
Rebellion for a while. I don't have enough money to pay off the Hutt,
and this will give me a bit of security while I earn enough credits to
get the price off my head. They pay okay, and it should be exciting."
She looked away. "So, I guess this is goodbye? You're going back to
Nerima?"
Ranma flushed a little. "Well, ah, I... is that Skywalker guy
staying here too?"
Akane nodded. "Yup. Boy, is he cute."
Chawbaka and Ranma exchanged ominous glances, and nodded. The
Empire was definitely going to have to take a number and wait in line
behind them.
"Oh, I'm staying here for a bit," Ranma said. "They could use a
good pilot besides you and Kasumi."
Akane tried not to look happy.
"Besides, someone's got to protect the rest of the Alliance from
you."
"RAAAAAANMAAAAA..."
*** ***
Captain Kuonji read the dispatch and almost cried.
The Death Star. Blown up. The Rebel scum had blown up the pride
of the Imperial Navy.
She snarled, and the rest of the bridge shuddered. Captain Kuonji
had turned out to be a mixed blessing. On the one hand, 'he' was fairly
easygoing, usually pleasant and considerate to her crew, and was
undeniably the most competent person in recent memory to command the
_Spatulator_. Under her guidance, Rebel activity in the Galos system
had been almost completely wiped out. Morale was high; for once, it was
the Rebels who tended to get outsmarted.
On the other hand, it was becoming apparent that the Captain was
at least mildly insane. The mood swings, for instance. Cheerful one
moment, homicidal the next, then suddenly sweetness and light again.
And then there was the topic of marriage or relationships. No-one in
their right mind talked about that in front of Captain Kuonji. She
hadn't actually killed anyone yet, but there had been some close calls.
And 'he' was clearly on a revenge kick of some sort, which was never
good news.
Ukyou stared at the viewscreen for a second, and then wheeled on
the navigator.
"Find me something to destroy. Now."
"T-There's a f-freighter we suspect of carrying contra..."
"Set course."
She sunk into her command chair and closed her eyes. What a lousy
day...
"Captain? Incoming message from a TIE Fighter, bearing oh-two-
three."
Ukyou straightened in her chair and composed herself with
difficulty. "Patch it through."
To her horror, the image of a black-armored figure flickered to
life. "Captain Kuonji."
Whew. Only Tofu, not Vader. "Lord Ono."
"I will be landing on the _Spatulator_ shortly. It will serve as
my flagship during the next few months."
A moan of dismay went up.
"Ah, um, Lord, why, ah, why me?"
"Because you seem competent and properly respectful."
Ukyou mentally screamed.
"I shall use it as my flagship as I search for Kasumi Tendo..."
The bridge watched in mild horror as the Dark Lord of the Sith
danced around his cockpit. Finally, looking slightly embarrassed, he
returned his attention to the transmission.
"Ahem, yes, Kasumi Tendo. She is reported to be in the company of
a smuggler and one Ranma Saotome..."
"WHAT?" shrieked Ukyou, jumping out of her chair. "WHERE? WHERE?
KILL!"
She froze, noticed the stares of interest everyone was giving
her, laughed weakly, and sat back down. "I mean, the ship is at your
disposal, Lord Ono."
Looking slightly taken aback, Ono nodded. "I shall land within
the hour. I expect us to be ready to begin our hunt immediately."
"Oh," Ukyou purred, "we will be. You can count on that."
"Excellent. Ono out."
Ukyou grinned.
Ranma Saotome was finally going to get what was coming to him.
Leave her, would he? Make a mockery of her life, would he? She'd show
him. She'd show ALL of them. Revenge would finally be hers.
The bridge crew winced. The maniacal laugher from their Captain
definitely did not bode well.
The _Spatulator_ cruised on through the void.
*** ***
"Excuse me, Lt. Tendo?"
"Oh my. Yes?"
"Your astromech is chasing Princess Leia around the temple
again."
"Oh dear. I'll go get him to stop. He just gets overexcited
sometimes."
THE END