Waiting for Minako
by Aino Minako (In DDFA's absence)
Part Twentyeight - The Unspeakable
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Scene: Outside DDFA's house. Minako is staring at a trail of
footprints, leading away from the front door in indelible green
paint with a magnifying glass. Suddenly, she stops and pauses.
>From the Journal of Minako Aino, Private Investigator....
"It suddenly dawned on me that there had been an occasion
where green paint was used in a DDFA fanfic.... And not that long
ago, either. In "Sailor Investigation Unit", Setsuna was seen to
have fallen into a large vat of green paint within the Sacred House
compound, during the attack by forces of the Coven of Atrocity.
This was obviously a plot by the OUTERS!"
Cue dramatic music. Minako looks up and around for the source.
Shaking her head, she places the magnifying glass in the pocket of
her coat and takes out her pipe again. As she blows bubbles, she
thinks deeply. (Well, as deeply as Minako can think, anyway).
"This hasn't been my first run-in with those foul fiends.
Demon Haruka, Mad Dog Michiru, Baby-face Hotaru and Setsuna the
Butcher.... Four of the meanest, cruelest femmes this side of the
Pacific. They would stop at nothing to get what they wanted, and
what they wanted was this fanfic finished by chapter thirty. Damn
them.... A fanfic with MY name in it, and they want to bring it to
an end.... Well, this called for a scene change...."
Meanwhile in Hades, Usagi, with Mokona still sitting on her head, is
standing at a bus stop with an unspeakable horror. After several
minutes of staring into space, Usagi glances up at the unspeakable
horror, trying to sum up enough courage to ask it a question.
Usagi: Ahem....
All of the horror's eyes turn to her. She swallows.
Usagi: Do.... you know.... when the next.... bus.... is due?
Cthulu: Hmm? The next bus, love?
Usagi: Umm.... Yes.
The unspeakable horror does its best impression of a shrug as it
answers Usagi in a broad Cockney accent.
Cthulu: I really couldn't tell ya. I've been standin' ere for a
good two years n'all. Never seen a bus in all that
time.
Usagi: Two years!?!? How can you wait that long?
Cthulu: Well, you know how it is. You sit on the bottom of the
ocean for a number of years, you get used to waiting.
So it's really no skin off my hide, so to speak.
The unspeakable horror sniffs.
Cthulu: Ere, you wouldn't 'appen to be that Moon Princess
whatchamacallit, would you?
Usagi: Umm.... You mean Sailormoon, aka Princess Serenity?
Cthulu: Yeah, that one. Used to watch the program to wile away
the centuries an all. Fancy meeting you down ere in
Hades. Never would ave thought you fer this place.
Usagi: Well, I didn't really have much of a choice.
Cthulu: What? You didn't get yerself all mixed up in another
fanfic and died, did ya?
Usagi: Yes. A DDFA one. I died in my first scene.
Cthulu: What a shame. Still, now you're ere, would ya mind
givin' me yer autograph?
The unspeakable horror holds out a Sailormoon flyer from a Japanese
comic convention, circa 1992, and a pen. Usagi takes both,
nervously.
Usagi: Umm.... Who should I dedicate this to? To you?
Cthulu: Oh, no, not fer me. It's fer me daughter, y'see.
Usagi: Yer daughter? I mean, your daughter?
Cthulu: Yes. Young Lillith is such a big fan of yours. She'd
be ever so pleased to 'ave it.
Usagi: Ah, okay then.
Still nervously glancing at the unspeakable horror, Usagi begins to
scribble at the bottom of the flyer....
Usagi: To my adoring fan, Lillith.... May all your days be
filled with worlds to destroy and mythos to maintain....
She does her best to smile as she hands back the flyer to the
unspeakable horror.
Usagi: There you go.
Cthulu: Oooh, ta love. This'll make 'er ever so 'appy.
Usagi: Um, so, might I ask you what you're doing in Hades?
Cthulu: Me? Oh, just doin' a bit of sightseein' an' all.
Destroying worlds can get so tiring, ya know what I
mean?
Usagi: Yes.... it must.
Cthulu: So there I was, sittin' on the bottom of the sea,
waitin' fer those bloody stars to get themselves sorted
out, when I decided what I really needed was a good
'oliday.... Somewhere where I could get away from the
wife an' all.... See the universe, so to speak.
Usagi: So you came to Hades.
Cthulu: Oh, yah, it was a right ripper. All that winin' and
dinin'.... All those lost souls, wanderin' about....
Pure luxury, I tells ya.
Usagi: And yet, you've been standing at this bus stop for two
years.
Cthulu: Well, I'm a patient man, ya see. An' besides, the
travel agent warned me beforehand that Hades' public
transport system in run on the same timetable as the
London bus service. Any moment now, there should be
three of the things comin' around the corner.
The unspeakable horror gestures up the street with a tentacle.
Usagi looks at the tentacle nervously and starts getting bad hentai
fanfic flashbacks, taking two steps back from it. The unspeakable
horror stares into space.
Cthulu: Anyways, I don't see what you're so worried about an'
all. Even if it takes another two years for a bus to
arrive, you're not goin' anywhere. So ya might as well
wait with me, eh?
It winks at her and settles down, crossing a couple of cartilage
stacks. Just at that point, there is a whining noise from down the
street. Usagi and the unspeakable horror turn to see a double
decker Gigerian nightmare trundle down the street towards them, with
a Xenomorph out of Alien at the wheel. It pulls up at the stop,
blowing steam and all kinds of gasses from throbbing pipes on its
sides. The Xenomorph opens the door and looks down at them, tipping
its driver's hat.
Xenomorph: Sssssss.... You getting on.... sssssss..... Or are you
going to ssssssssssssssit there? Sssssssssssss........
The unspeakable horror stands and walks up the steps, proffering the
Xenomorph some coins.
Cthulu: Ticket to Efreet Street, please.
The Xenomorph hisses and takes the coins, giving the unspeakable
horror a ticket. As this happens, Usagi nervously looks at the
assorted collection of monsters sitting on the bus.
Xenomorph: Ssssssss...... What about you? Sssssssss......
Usagi turns to the Xenomorph, nervously.
Usagi: No, I'll wait for the next bus, thankyou very much.
Xenomorph: Sssssssssssuit yourssssssself.
With a little wave, the unspeakable horror walks down the aisle and
finds itself a seat as the Xenomorph closes the door. The bus pulls
away as Usagi watches, only finally letting out a breath as it
disappears around a corner.
Usagi: You know, Mokona. It's a good thing we're both so
stupid.
Mokona: Pu? O_O
Usagi: Otherwise that unspeakable horror would have driven us
mad by now.
Mokona: Pu! ^_^
There is a popping noise, and a young woman with blue-green hair,
tied in a pair of long ponytails, dressed in clothes which look like
a cross between a waitress uniform and a ballerina outfit, complete
with short dress and white stockings with suspenders, appears,
floating in mid-air, scaring the living bejeezus out of Usagi, who
falls to the ground. Mokona just avoids this fate by leaping off
her head and landing on her chest.
Usagi: What the.... Mokona, what are you doing there?
Mokona: Pu.... ^_^;;
Mokona steps off Usagi's chest as Usagi sits up, rubbing her head.
The girl who appeared is giggling at the pair.
Usagi: What are YOU laughing at?
Kanaru: Oh, I'm so terribly sorry if I scared you.
Usagi: After what I've just been through, appearing like that
couldn't have done anything BUT scare me. Who are you,
anyway?
The girl floats down to Usagi, smiling sweetly, her arms crossed in
front of her.
Kanaru: I am Kanaru-chan, the resident AI of Hades. I have just
been checking through my arrival and departure logs and
have discovered that you have been sent here before your
time.
Usagi: Eh?
Kanaru: I'm afraid you're going to have to accompany me to the
head office. Koenma-sama is really cross about this,
I'm sorry to say?
Mokona: Pu! O_O
Usagi: Ko....Enma.... You don't mean THAT Koenma?
Cue dramatic music. Usagi, Mokona and Kanaru look around for its
source, then shrug it off.
Kanaru: Yes, I mean THAT Koenma-sama. And I'm afraid that, if
he ever finds the person who sent you here early, he's
going to do his nana....
END OF PART 28
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Are the Outers responsible for the kidnapping of DDFA? Has Usagi
been sent to Hades before her time? What will Koenma-sama do when
Kanaru-chan takes her to him? Why does Kanaru-chan wear a kinky
outfit? And does anybody really care? For almost no answers to
these questions, read the stunningly similar next chapter of
"Waiting for Minako", rising from the depths when the Stars are
Right.... Or Left....
_________
/ @ \ Aino Minako (in DDFA's absence)
/ / ^ ^ \ \ darkdayforanime@hotmail.com
/</ w \>\ Manic-Depressive Sailorsenshi without a clue
\/ \/ Professional failure in quotations
\___________/ Massive avoider of responsibility
/_/ \_\ GRAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....... PU!
DDFA's correspondence of the month of January goes to....
d_purton@hotmail.com
....for this amazing effort. ^_^
^
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Fuck u people in Adalaide
It's rare that one gets such amazing emails. Keep them up people.
There is nothing like receiving abuse for my bastardry. (He
couldn't even spell Adelaide.... What an amazingly intellectual
person ^_^).
Unspeakable Version 1.0 - Monday, 1st February 1999