Makoto nodded.  It was getting late and he knew that
Princess Rune Venus only dealt with personal matters over
dinner.  He knew his request would ruffle a few feathers
across the Alliance, but he couldn't help but make it
eventually.  Thankfully, Rune understood the situation and
chose not to bring up the matter before the counsel earlier
in the day, rather, choosing to discuss it privately.

"council", not "counsel".  (Unless you really do mean a lawyer.)

    If all went well, the counsel would never hear from him
again anyway.

Same again.

    "I do understand your position," Rune tried to
construe.

"construe"?  This means analyze or understand.  Doesn't really fit
here.  Parhaps make it "explain".  (Exacept that you've used that
in the previous paragraph.)

    "I don't care what they left," Rune cut him off.  "All
their research was directed towards destroying this world
merely to get back to their own.

I don't recall any mention of the Phantom Tribe trying to get back
to their own world.  It was more an act of revenge for what they
regarded as centuries of mistreatment.

    "No! I'm not I'm..." he trailed off.  "You are right,
but just because that was their goal, doesn't mean they
didn't find something else in the intern.

"interim", not "intern".

    The tower loomed above him.  In the night sky, it
appeared as ominous as the Bugrom citadel had when he'd gone
in to save Fatora so long ago.  Back then, Makoto'd been
about to risk his life simply to save the sister of the
Princess, since he didn't really know Fatora at all save
that he and she shared the same face.  Now, he wondered how
much he was risking, for the faceless hunch he'd gotten
after looking through the tomes of the Phantom Tribe.

Faceless hunch?  Doesn't sound quite right.  Perhaps "nameless"?

    Makoto blinked as Shayla stood to the side and bowed
her head, diverting her eyes from his.  "We all know how
much she means to you," she swallowed.  "I admit that I
would have preferred it been me, but I do understand what
place she holds in your heart.  No one wants to see you
suffer anymore, so I think that's why the told me to come
here, not to stop you, but to help you."

"they told me"

    *No*, he told himself, he mustn't forget her.  She may
be far away now, but if all went well, he be with her
tomorrow morning.  She had given everything for him, and he
for her, that was the ultimate love.

"he would be"
"he would for her"

    The clouds were either rejoicing or warning Makoto of
his decision, he couldn't decide which one.  As he and
Shayla stood on the surface of the Eye the clouds around
them traded blows of lightning, giving the whole area a
thick ozone smell.

How did they get to the Eye?  The Stairway doesn't go all the way
up.  In the anime, Afura Mann flew them up there, but I don't think
Shayla can fly.

 They were above the rain, but were in
danger from the lightning and the deafening thunder.  It
seemed every step of Makoto's journey came with great risk,
was it all an attempt to ward him of, or make sure he's
sincere about his feelings?

semicolon after "great risk"
"ward him off"
"make sure he was" (tense wrong)

    Either way, he knew he was in great danger as he looked
down the long and deep ventaliation shaft that headed
towards the core of the Eye.  Over a year ago, Ifurita had
willfully fell down this shaft to synchronize with the Eye.

"fallen"
Also, Ifurita flew down; she didn't fall.

    "From what I've found," Makoto said, shaking his head.
"This is a one way ticket.  Earth or bust."

"shaking his head, "this"

    He nodded and tightened his grip on the Staff, peering
down the hole again.  "Then lets go, before we get hit by
lightning."

"let's go"

    Silently, Shayla moved up next to Makoto and put an arm
around his waist while she generated the sphere of fire
around the two of them.  When the red-blue field had
surrounded them completely, she lifted off the ground and
dove in down into the Eye.

Okay, I guess that's how they got to the Eye.  I still don't
think she can fly, though.  (When she and Afura were going to
the springs from Mt Muldoon, she had to get a lift from Afura.)

    "Something is wrong with the Eye of God!" he yelled in
his coarse voice.

coarse, or hoarse?  Well, a matter of opinion I suppose.  He never
sounded too coarse to me.  :)

    Rune swung her legs out of the bed and stood, quickly
composing herself as she always did when she stood, and
moved out to the balcony to look up at the Eye of God.  She
was surprised to see that it had lowered it's orbit and was

No apostrophe in "its" (this isn't an abbreviation).

    *Her thoughts obstruct the coordinates.  She had not
been to Earth.*

"has not been"

    *As you wish.  Thank you for talking to me instead of
just sending orders.  My creators did not intend me to
develop sentience, and it's many very long and uneventful
years.  Good bye.*

"it's been many"
By the way -- the idea of a _bored_ Eye of God is a rather unsettling
one... :)

    "No, you don't," Miz said urgently.  "She *gone*."

"She's"

    "Gone," Rune repeated to the daemonic eye.  It simply
stared at her in response.

                      -End Chapter 1-

A very promising beginning.  I'll be looking forward to more...

Cheers,
Angus

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Allen Gainsford                                                Angus MacSpon
http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/