The figure fell like a brick and the shooter looked up
>from the gun to the man standing behind him. "Whatta mean,
Daley? I was right on."
"Whatta"? Perhaps "Whattya" or "Whaddya".
"Watch out Knight Sabers!" Sylia yelled over the radio
and over her external audio speaker. The four armored
warriors leaped away from their previous position as a trio
of boomers landed there. Red eyed and laser mouthed, they
flew out after Nene, Priss, and Linna leaving Sylia standing
along against the mechanical Quincy.
Add a comma after "Linna"
"standing alone"
"I'm ready," Sylia announced, leaping forward towards
the Quincy look-alike, readying her knuckle bomber. The
boomer gave her that menacing grin that they all had after
they shed their skin, and grabbed her arm before it could
impact against his shoulder as she had planned. She gasped
suddenly but brought her other hand to bare, extending her
"to bear"
"Oooohhh, go awaaaaaay!" screamed Nene dodging the
speeding fist from the boomer before her. Her sensor data
indicated that it was an enhanced C-class boomer, nothing
really extraordinary. Of course, Nene was never able to
handle ordinary, so she was having problems.
This can actually stand as it is, but it'd be clearer if you
make it "never able to handle ordinary boomers".
The blue giant quickly kicked after retracting it's
hand and hit Nene in the chest, sending her flying into the
wall of large drum. She slumped out of the impression she'd
made in the wall, wrenching her head upwards to look at her
enemy.
The C-class opened it's mouth wide, exposing the laser
cannon within. It's eyes glowed an extra dark shade of red
before the cannon charged and fired. Nene barely got out of
the way with her life, her arm had been badly scorched and
had fastened itself to her side.
The boomer turned to face the panting, melting, Nene
again. It readied it's cannon again and was about to fire
when the large drum exploded outwards from the weakened hole
made in it by the first shot. A gush of scalding hot water
poured out of the hole drenching the boomer as it made
screams of agony.
Using the data from her senors, she calculated the most
likely position of the azure demon given it's mass, current
stance, and the speed and duration of the water exploding
>from the drum. She aimed her working arm right at the
boomer's head and fired.
No apostrophe in any of the five "it's" in these paragraphs.
"wall of a large drum"
No comma after "melting"
"weakened hole" doesn't sound right. Perhaps "weakened point".
He glanced around, surveying the damage. He'd gotten
here before the rest of the AD Police, thanks to his
expertise in driving and the rest of the Police's lack of
it.
Expertise, or recklessness? :)
The sudden explosion from the same area convinced Leon
he had not been too late and dashed off into the Factory in
a western direction.
Hmm, you appear to be saying that the explosion dashed off.
Make it "he dashed off". Also, "in a western direction" is
clumsy -- make it "heading west", or something like that.
"My right or your right?"
"My right."
Linna sighed. "Why are you always right?"
I think this line might be grounds for a death sentence. :)
Swinging her head around, her monomolecular whips
sliced up the ground and one of the boomers arms before it
jumped away.
As written, this says that her whips were swinging her head around.
Make it "As she swung her head around".
Sylia clutched her shoulder where the look-alike had
stabbed her. A thin trail of blood leaked down her armor to
form a puddle on the floor. The android didn't look much
better, though. It was missing it's hand where one of
Sylia's knuckle bomber attacks hit, smoking from the entire
chest area after her monoblade attack, and dripping an
orange fluid from it's leg unit.
Quincy opened it's mouth and readied for a laser cannon
attack just as a heap of twisted metal fell onto it's back,
crushing it to the ground. Linna landed next to Sylia as
the two surveyed the pile of scrap boomer parts.
No apostrophes in any of these "its".
"Fucking boom--uurggh!" Priss grunted as she kicked
away the boomer. She landed in a heap, holding her stomach
as if it were about to fall out. The boomer stood over her,
almost scoffing her attempts.
"scoffing at her attempts"
"Laugh this up," Priss yelled as she slammed her fist
into the boomers leg and fired three rails into it. The leg
buckled and the boomer quickly shifted it's weight to avoid
crashing into the ground.
No apostrophe in "its"
She looked up into the mist again. If only her visor
were working, she could see right through this mess and
shoot a rail into the boomers ass.
"boomer's"
The boomer emerged from the mist like a raging bull.
Priss fired as many rails as she could into the gut of the
beast before it grabbed her neck and lifted her up against
the wall. She choked as the boomer opened it's mouth, ready
to fire.
Then its face fell out as a gunshot rung through it's
artificial skull. Orange fluid spurted from the wound and
covered Priss's faceplate. She fell to the ground as the
boomer released her and one final shot was heard, followed
by the familiar sound of a boomer death.
No apostrophe in either of these "its".
"Then lets go, co--Ow!" Priss clutched her stomach
again.
"let's"
Sylia nodded to no one in general, then looked to
Linna. "We've got no time left, lets go."
Again, "let's"
"I am," Priss struggled to say between breathes. "But
we have no time left for your antics, I'll just go see a
doctor after this."
"breaths"
-End Chapter 2-
Authors Notes:
Before you go off on me, of COURSE, Priss and Leon are
not dead. They will be reappearing in chapter 4 when I get
into the main story.
Let me guess; the explosion blew them into another universe, where
they'll be meeting Makoto, Shayla, and whoever chapter 3's about,
yes? Well, okay, I can live with that... :)
Cheers,
Angus
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Angus MacSpon Allen Gainsford
http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/ http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/