(The scene opens in the Tendou backyard, where Most of the cast is
gathered around Soun. He's weeping, as usual, as is uncharacteristically
holding a shotgun.)
Soun: Oh, what must I do! Must I do!
(Everyone else looks confused, especially Ranma.)
Ranma: Uh...what? What must you do?
(Soun gets down on one knee and looks up at Ranma.)
Akane: Daddy, don't propose to Ranma, that's my job! (Ukyou and Shampoo
smacks Akane simulatenously. She falls over in a huge fump.)
Ukyou & Shampoo: No, that's MY job! (They look at each other.) Hey, stop
talking like me!
Soun: Ladies! This is important. (Ukyou & Shampoo shut up. Akane gets up
and moves over toward's Nabiki, who is wearing a dress that seemed to
come out of "A Streetcar Named Desire.")
Nabiki (to the audience): I've always wanted to play "Stella."
Soun (his eyes wells up as he says to Ranma): Ranma...your father has
rabies.
(The camera pans over to a panda who has foam all over his mouth, face,
and body. Genma pulls out a sign, the font style very homelessque or San
Francisco...)
Genma: [Wait, I'm just shaving!] (flips sign) [Must kill dust
bunnies!!!] (He laughs maniacally, if a panda could laugh.)
Soun: Rabies, as you know is a very deadly disease, son, and I must kill
him. (Soun aims an elephant gun at Genma. Ranma starts to cry.)
Ranma: Wait! I-I-I'll do it! (Soun gives Ranma the gun.)
Akane: Wait! Let me do it!
Shampoo: I want to kill rabied panda!
Cologne: I am the eldest of you all, and quite the kill shot.
Nabiki: You were a skill shot?
Cologne: Lady, my mother was Annie Oakley. I was born with a Remington
Colt .45 in my left hand. After all that panda has done, I should be the
one to shoot him.
(Nodoka leans over on Ranma, causing him to fall over.)
Nodoka: Son, you are a martial artist, not a western frontier's man. A
martial artist is not interested in military weapons and books on Jane's
military.
Ranma: Why would Jane have her own militia?
Nodoka: She's a redneck. So, if you don't mind, son, I just have this
noble request. (screaming) Let *me* shoot that dirty bastard!!!
Kasumi: Oh, my...this is so improper. I am lady of the house and under
Robert's Rules of Japanese Household Order and Partying, Article 3,
Paragraph 2, Subparagraph 13, _I_ should be the one to shoot a rabid
guest.
Ranma: W-w-why not me?
Kasumi: Because if he was a pet, then you'd have the honor. Since he is
not a pet, I can shoot him. You should refer to the previous paragraph
on pets.
Ranma (grumbling): I *knew* we shoulda build a dog-house for Pops to
stay in.
Ryouga (to Akane): You wouldn't do that to me?
Akane (to Ryouga): What are you talking about?
Ryouga (blushing): Oh...never mind. Heh, heh.
Kodachi (laughing): Whohohohohohohoho! What about a compromise: we
all shoot the blasted panda?
Genma: [That's a compromise?] (flips sign) [Can I get a shot?]
Everyone else: NO!
Mousse: Well, what kind of guns do you have? (Nabiki looks at Soun. Soun
looks back.)
Nabiki: Well, shall we?
Soun: Let's. (He pulls out a remote control and aims it at the pond. He
presses a button, and a huge black monolith rises out of the pond.
"Zarthusha Thus Spoke" (aka the 2001 Theme Song) plays.)
Ranma: No wonder I hated to go into the pond.
(The monolith opens up and there's a plethora of guns of all sizes and
brands. Everyone grabs a gun. Genma tries to move, but the chains on him
prevent him to move. Quickly, everyone aims towards Genma. The camera
angle changes as we see the guns aiming towards the camera.)
Soun: Okay, now. Say cheese!
Everyone else, except Genma: Cheese! (They fire their guns. A huge
amount of blood covers everyone. Mousse falls over, as his gun was
pointed the wrong way. Shampoo looks over towards Mousse.)
Shampoo: Mousse dead, Great-grandmother!
Cologne: So?
Shampoo: Can I have his bunny slippers?
Cologne: I suppose it would be alright.
(The camera turns towards the corpse of Genma, who is clearly dead. The
white fur as turned red as his guts start to spill out. We cut back to
see Nodoka turn to Ranma.)
Nodoka (to Ranma): Ranma, you are a man now.
Ranma: Well, t-thanks, Mom. (Nodoka pours water on Ranma. Instant girl.)
W-what for?
Nodoka: Ranma, you are a woman now also. (to everyone else) As well as
the rest of you.
Ryouga: I'm a girl?
Nodoka: Well, you aren't Ryouga. You are a man now too.
Soun: I am so happy! Now there will be more food in the house!
(And there was much rejoicing.)
Everyone else: Yea...
******
I thought about this after watching Old Yeller and a "Kids In the Hall"
sketch where they made fun of the last scene. And I thought about this
and well, it's gone amuck. (Amuck, amuck, amuck!)
---Andrew