At 12:17 AM 1/28/99 -0800, jurai-knight@home.com wrote:
Quantum Destinies
A Ranma Fanfic
By Steven Thesken (jurai-knight@home.com)
:) Been lookin' forward to this...
Chapter 4 � Romances, Rivalries, and Revelations
Or where it really starts to diverge...
Writing seemed pretty solid, as I've come to expect.
Let's see... by scene:
The confrontation between Kodachi and Akane was handled quite well, I
think. Especially the part in front of Ranma. Kodachi's turning out
pretty cool, although Akane is still lost somewhere near the corner of
Lover's Lane and Psycho Street.
But the one line about Shampoo... is Ranma no longer going to
have a crush on her?
Meeting with Gosunkugi: This is the section I'm having the most
problems with.
The psi aspects seem interesting (unexpected, though -- and they
don't seem to _quite_ mesh with the rest of the technological world).
But would the Empire actually admit to the existence of functioning
magic? Or is Gos referring to some kind of underground cult? It just
doesn't seem to fit within the milieu presented to date very well --
unless I missed or forgot something.
I liked how in the original that it seemed the Empire was doing
its best to supress evidence of anything supernatural; it gave the story
some vaguely X-Files-esque overtones. This helped define how the Empire
"worked," in my mind, and made it and its members slightly more sinister.
That's a _good_ thing, mind you. >:-)
A severely limited acceptance of magic _might_ work (perhaps
foisted it off as some kind of psi talent) -- or some kind of mystical
secret society, but I think you'd need to explain it more, even then.
Part of the problem is that both magic and psi are first mentioned here,
with no real prior groundwork -- since several characters are working for
Security, you'd think that such obvious potential intelligence threats
would at least be remarked upon by now, if they were seen as genuine. If
these things are to become central to the story at some point, at least
have references to them in a few sections where they are not being
actively discussed (like maybe Soun's office is shielded against
clairvoyant eavesdropping, or there's an Academy policy forbidding the
use of TK in Phys Ed classes, or something).
The cameos here didn't add much for me, mostly for the above
reasons.
Training ("Get some track, you soft nellies!"): nice lead-in to the
Project. Any particular reason for their relative theoretical
potentials? (It does kinda leave Akane with the short end of the
genetic stick...)
"I will be interested in seeing the results of this change, Takami,"
said Fuyutsuki calmly, a fatherly smile on his face now as he watched
Ranma running. *I have such plans for you, Ranma. A glorious new
day is dawning for the Empire
I'd also urge you to think about just trailing off here...
Nabiki suspecting Ranma: niiiiice... >:-)
Soun's wife: interesting parallel to Akane. Any reason for her not to
have died in combat, though? And Soun's being too clever for himself
is amusingly ironic.
Hinako: The cameos here worked better for me. Quite amusing. And
potentially interesting in the future. (Please, please, please let
Gendo get killed by Herb! :) ) Thumbs up to Hinako's little coin
quirk, too.
Did you decide to drop the idea of a "defective" infant Ranma?
Or were his records (ahem) doctored?
Nabiki finding, using, and figuring out the significance of the
Resonator: A Very Scary Thought, indeed. This changes the character
dynamics _quite_ a bit. I'll have to wait and see if this is going to
be a good thing or not. All I can say is that I think Akane is going
to be *pissed* when Nabiki starts to intrude on _her_ speciality (and
Ranma!), especially if Oneesan gives any evidence of surpassing her.
At least Nabiki doesn't seem inclined to betray Ranma's secret to the
state.
It should be interesting if Ranma figures out she's used the
resonator...
I must say that I'm really starting to dislike the gang members,
and am starting to wonder why no one seems inclined to do onto them as
they so obviously intend to do onto others.
Dinner at the Kuno's: I like. Tatewaki's still a dork (and still
maybe a _bit_ nastier than the manga), but I'm really starting to like
the rest of the family.
Nabiki in repose: Hmmm...
Overall: I'd suggest helping the Technocracy stamp out Magick, and
making Those In Charge seem a bit more shady. Other than that,
pretty good job. Things flowed together pretty well, and there was
enough going on to keep things interesting without becoming too
unfocused.
-- blaidd@alumni.psu.edu eridath@hotmail.com
http://home.earthlink.net/~ghagen/blaidd/ ICQ:2586246
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