ShortYes@aol.com wrote:

Tell me what you think please!  Yes I do have a reason Ranma is acting the way
he is.  No he is not OOC, not if he had lived this long.

Hmmm, let's take a look.

Long

Is that the title?  "Long"?  Actually make an interesting title, come to
think of it.

November 13, 1998

        "Who are you?" she asked.

        "My name is Ranma Saotome.  It's the least I could do." the man replied.

Is that a play off of Oneshot's stories?  Anyway, how the heck is the
date November 13, 1998?  That's not when BGC takes place.

Also, you could be a bit more descriptive.

"My name is Ranma Saotome," the man replied.  As if talking to himself,
he added, "It's the least I can do."

        Looking up into Ranma's eyes, "Why help a company like Genom  take over the
world?" Sylia finally managed to get out.   She had never heard of this person
before today and the look in his eyes was not the same as the ones Quincy and

Ummm, is Genom trying to take over the world?  Let's face it, that's an
odd thing for Sylia to say.  I have her simply ask, "Why?"  Then she
spends a couple of thoughts wondering to herself why she even bothered
to ask.  Which leads into the bit about the eyes.

Genom usually employed to do their dirty work.  Looking at him, Sylia was
reminded of her father when he found out what Genom was planning to use his
boomer technology for.  There was really nothing she could do in her current

I'd go with, -of her father in those last days before he died.  The same
haunted, trapped look had clouded Dr. Stingray's features in those final
days.

condition.  After fighting the fake Knight Sabers, her suit was severely
damaged.  Then this man appeared from the shadows and was now standing over
her, one hand on her throat.

That's incredible!  Ranma must have mastered martial arts arm
stretching!  How else could he simultaneously stand over her and have a
hand on her throat?!

How about: "Then this man had appeared from the shadows, gaining a firm
grip about her throat before she could move to defend herself.  His
speed had been frightning."

        Lowering his gaze for a moment in shame, Ranma shedded a single tear at what

The sudden switch in viewpoints is incredibly jarring.  I'd leave him a
mystery for a while.  Maybe describe the teardrop but don't tell us who
he is or that he's feeling ashamed or any of that.

was about to happen.  Throughout his entire life, Ranma had never actually
killed someone, not counting Saffron because of his unique attributes.  Now
towering over an injured woman, he was going to break not one but two of his
promises.  One never to kill and the other never hit girls or the opposite
sex.  He had his orders and they stated for him to kill her.  Calming himself

He's hit girls before.  He doesn't like it, but he's done it.  It's a
personal preference, not some solemn personal vow.  And I _still_ say
it's impossible for him to be both towering over her and have her by the
throat!

down, "Nothing personal," Ranma replied, "This is just something I have to
do."

I would have him just look away, ashamed.  He's not going to want to
talk to her.

        Sylia detected a note of dread at the end.  *He doesn't want to kill me,* she
thought.  Trying to think of a way to salvage the situation, Sylia was
surprised to find she could breathe easily again.  For some reason, the man
had released her.

I'd say "loosened his grip".  If he released her, she'd try to kick his
ass or shoot him or do _something_!  Come to think of it, she should try
that anyway.  Just mention that Ranma thwarts whatever it is almost
casually, without even thinking about it.

        "You want me to do what?  Stop Largo?  Yes, I'll get right on it." Ranma
answered aloud, he had one hand pressed against his left ear.  Turning back to
Sylvia, "Excuse me, I have to be going." There was a smile on Ranma's face.

Answered what?!  You made a bad transition here.  First should have come
a line about Ranma suddenly stopping and cocking his head, as if
listening to something.  Sylia, being a genius, will no doubt figure out
he's recieving a communication.  _Then_ move on to him acknowledging the
orders.

Also, I doubt he would smile.  More likely to look majorly relieved, and
no doubt quite guilty.  (After all, he _almost_ did it!)

* * * * *

        "I don't know who is worse," Quincy thought to himself, "Ranma or Largo's
ego."

No, I don't like this.  Part of the fun has always been wondering if
Quincy actually wants the Knight Sabers dead or not.  His subordinates
always seem to assume so, but we never know for _sure_ what the big man
is thinking.  Having him personally order an assassin ruins that.

My suggestion would be that Ranma is the new "secret weapon" of an up
and coming Genom executive.  Said executive ordered him to kill the
Sabers, then changed his mind when news of Largo came up.  I still love
that line, though.  Keep it, just don't attribute to Quincy.

* * * * *

        Looking at one of the Knight Sabers, "Pathetic.  I thought Sylvia had more
sense than hire someone like you.  You are nothing after I broke that toy of
yours." Largo gloated.

Don't start out with "Looking".  Who's looking?  Largo?  The audience? 
Make a smoother transition.

"-you.  You're nothing now that I've broken that toy of yours."  (It
sounds better.)

        *Please give me more power.  Anri.  Sylvie.  Enough power to kill this
bastard.* Priss prayed.

This doesn't make sense.  What, is Priss praying to Saint Sylvie for
power?  ^_^

I'd have her spit out something defiant to Largo instead.  Also, give a
little background.  Descriptions.  Where are they, what are they doing,
who's positioned where?  No need to be so stingy with your prose!

        Walking up to Priss, "Prepare to meet your maker.  A new age is approaching
across the horizon and I shall be the one to lead it.  I am immortal.  I am
GOD!!!" Largo roared, "You, on the other hand, will never see another sunrise
again."  Reaching out with his right hand, intending to crush her throat, he
stopped when a piece of rock impacted his head.

No major complaints.  ^_^  "-horizon, and I-"  You forgot the comma.

        Looking over at the source, Largo saw a man leaning against one of the walls.
He was tossing, up and down, another piece of rock.  "Who are you?" Largo
demanded.  *How dare a mere human mock me so,* Largo thought.

What wall?  Where are we?  I'm so confused!  Even those who've seen the
anime battle scene could appreciate a few visual reminders!

Also, Ranma hasn't really mocked him as of yet.  Just thrown a rock. 
I'd expect Largo to be more puzzled and amused than angry.

        "Run!  He's not what he seems!  He's a boomer!" Priss shouted to the man.
Priss could have sworn she saw him smile when she mentioned that Largo was a
boomer.  *Does he have a death wish?*

Isn't Largo alredy obviously a boomer by this point?  Done his little
transformation and all?

Also, this dialogue from Priss seems a bit off.  I doubt she's thinking
too straight.  More like, "Get the hell out of here.  This boomer is
mine!"

        "So you're a boomer then?  This will make my job a lot easier." Ranma said.
Walking in Largo's general direction, "Quincy sent me to deliver a message to
you."

Geeze, didn't whoever sent Ranma bother to tell him he'd be facing a
Superboomer?  What did they tell him?  "Go kill the guy trying to kill
the Knight Saber.  Not you, the other guy."

        *He works for Genom,* Priss thought, *And here I was worried about him.  I
hope they kill each other.*

        "What does the old man want?" Largo asked.

        "You're fired."

        "This is funny.  Do you know who I am?"

        "An asshole?"

Oh _Ranma_ swears but Priss doesn't?

Come on now.  Ranma shouldn't be happy about _any_ of this, even if
Largo is a boomer.  He's still working under duress.  What's with all
the "messages" and insults?

        "Die!" Largo shouted, as he sent two of his boomers at Ranma.

Two boomers?!  It's like, like they just came out of no where!  Which in
a way you did, because you didn't bother mentioning them before now. 
How many boomers does Largo have running around?

        As both C-20 boomers headed towards Ranma, he just stood still.  Cocking his
head slightly, "Want me to tell you the good and bad points about boomers?"
Ranma asked Priss.

Ummmm.  Is he shouting across the field of battle?  Priss is at least a
couple of dozen yards away, right?  Come to think of it, what is Priss
doing?  Just standing there, slack-jawed?

        Confused was the only word that could describe what she was feeling.  *What
is going on here?*

Some psycho is getting himself killed.  Nothing confusing so far.

        Taking her silence as a yes, "First boomers are robots and that means killing
them will not bother me in the least and second they break so easily." Ranma

Feh.  Tell it Sylvie, Ranma.

spoke.  To make his point, he waited until both boomers were close enough and
then poked each of them once.  "See?" Ranma ask, before both boomers exploded,
all their electrical parts exploded, taking with them their organic
counterparts.

Didn't they try to like, shoot him or something.  I think you're making
Ranma a bit too powerful.  He ought to at least like, have to shift his
feet to kill two boomers.

        "What!!!  How?" Largo shouted in rage and disbelief.

I know how he feels.

        Still smirking, "Wouldn't you like to know," Ranma teased.  Getting a serious
look, "Time to end this." Ranma stated.

Ooooo.  It's "time to end this".

        "I couldn't agree, time to die mortal!" Largo shouted.

        "Like you would know anything about immortality," Ranma snarl.

"Who's the fool!"  Whatever that means.  Ranma sure is having some mood
swings.  He goes from manic to serious to snarling in the space of a few
seconds.

Just tell me.  Is he in a good mood or not?

        A bright flash of light was all the warning Ranma received when a bright beam
of light struck him.

Largo turned on a spotlight?  Sorry, that's all I can figure.

Unless you're trying to tell me Ranma survived a direct hit from a
superpowerful laser without so much as an ouch.  Which quite frankly is
insane.

Hell, in the Superman animated series, even _Superman_ goes ouch when
hit with a big enough laser.

        "Hahaha!!!  I am god!" Largo laughed out loud.

If he's a god, why not give him better lines?  You're writing him
incredibly over the top here.

        Blinking, "You bastard!  Can't even fight fairly!" Priss shouted, struggling
to get up.  When Priss was about to collapse, a pair of arms steadied her.

        "You shouldn't strain yourself like that," Ranma advised Priss.

Oh, was Priss on the ground?  I had no idea.

        Surprise turned to angry, "Get away from me, you bastard.  Didn't you know
Genom is evil?"

....  I won't even say it.  It's just that people don't act like that.

        Shrugging his shoulders, "Doesn't matter to me.  They help me, I help them."

A little while ago it appeared he knew full well that what he was doing
is wrong.  Now he just doesn't care?  Make up your mind about
characterization.

he explained.  Looking over at Largo, "That was a cheap shot.  Now it's my
turn."  Using one hand to hold Priss up, Ranma pointed the other at Largo.
His hands started to glow.  "Die," Ranma spoke, launching a ball of ki energy
at his opponent.

        As it left his hands, Priss could feel the heat from the ball of energy.
*What is he?*

An idiot if he thinks he can take down a superboomer with a one-handed
casual attack.

        Looking over at Largo, there was only a pile of ashes.

Unless of course he has authorial power on his side.

ShortYes, friend, buddy.  Let's be serious for a moment, shall we?  You
can make Ranma as powerful as you want.  Turn him into a freaking Goku
if you want.  But it'll make a sucky story.

Largo is the big, bad, superboomer.  He's supposed to be the most
powerful single opponent the Sabers ever face.  And Ranma takes him out
with a one-handed shot?

Where's the drama, the tension from now on?  You made Ranma into a god,
while at the same time showing total disrespect for the BGC portion of
this crossover.  	t Ranma defeats him, it ought to be after a grueling
twenty page fight where Ranma tries every trick in the book and almost
gets killed.  And then only with the assistance of the Knight Sabers.

As it is, Ranma hasn't even broken a sweat during any of this.

But why am I even bothering?  I've read your crossovers before.  The
other characters are always in complete awe of Ranma, and just impressed
as hell by everything about him.  Ranma never acts like an idiot in your
stories.  Ranma never is awed by other people.  I really ought to know
what to expect from your stories by now.

        "Chalk one up for the good guys," Ranma cheered.

I thought Ranma was on the side of evil in this one?

Just my thoughts.

-- 
Matthew Campbell
E-mail: mgcampb@clemson.edu

"The Campbells are comin', and the day is won."

- unknown Scottish poet