A Ranma/devil&devil

Oh, Devil&Devil? Well, since I'm part of the small (probably) audience
such a fic has, I kinda felt obliged to C&C. ^_^

OK, let's see.

First of all, the language does seem a bit rough overall; all you can
do about that, I guess, is to reread and edit, and then do it again,.
and again, and again.

As for the plot ... well, the main problem is that the plot didn't even
*begin* to show up until the *second to last* paragraph - and if I hadn't
put my mind into C&Cing-mode, I highly likely wouldn't have kept reading
for 30k with no hint of a beginning plot.

A bit of a prologue is a good thing, yes; including the jump-off-roof-scene
in the beginning might be a good idea (provided the woman has some
importance later in the story - otherwise I definitely suggest cutting
that scene out), and probably the angel/demon fight, too. However,
after the fight, you would likely do *much* better just to cut ahead
to right after Ranma arrives at the Tend� place, and then tell the
background a bit at a time as it becomes necessary - a bit when
Ranma first unfolds his wings, a bit when Gos starts doing something
devilish, etc etc, you get the idea. Get on with the main plot as soon
as possible, because *that*'s what the reader (at least this reader)
is interested in reading, not background/setting detail.

I can't even say if I like it or not, because there's hardly been any
store yet to like or dislike!

And now, on to the nitpicks:

It was the set of sun, the time when day turned into night and the

"It was the set of sun"? OK for "the sun was setting", but can you really
call it "the set of the sun"?

streets started to empty out... except for those few who belonged to the

Does this mean that the *streets* belong to the night? It doesn't
quite sound right, imo.

night. On the roof of an apartment, a young woman stood, watching

Hm, I *do* think a few words of description of the woman might
be a good thing, even if you're leaving here identity a "secret".

She contemplated her life, she was pregnant but the father of the child
refused to even talk to her now that he knew. Her parents didn't really
love her, only caring to barter her off to some young man's family for
prestige.

life. She

*Jump,* a small voice whispered in her mind's ear. Hesitantly at first,
she put one foot ontop of the ledge as she looked down on the city.

on top

It wasn't. Just as she registered that in her mind and disappointment
began to fill her again, she felt herself losing her balance. With a
shriek, she fell of the ledge, her arms desperately reaching out to

off

She closed her eyes and braced herself for the impact. It never came as
she felt someone grab her arm. Looking up, she saw the deep, blue eyes
of the stranger looking down at her in concern. Without a single word,
he began pulling her up.

came, as

"Are you okay?" he asked when she was finally up. Sobbing and sniffling
at the same time, she bawled out her thanks to him. Any thoughts she had
of suicide had vanished, the fear that she had felt in that instant as
she falling down was the worst she had ever known.

down the worst thing things she'd ever known.

"Zephyr," he said, smiling as he did so. "Remember, nothing is so bad
that there can be no hope." Coming from anyone else, it would have
sounded terribly corny but coming from him, it just seemed right.

*searches mind but fails to come up with a match* Is this, perchance,
someone from the early volumes of D&D? I've only read it in
SS the past half-a-year...

"Thanks Zephyr, for saving me," she said, hugging him one last time
before turning around to leave. As she opened the door to the stair way,
she heard him say one more thing.

stairway

"Call your parents, you might find they love you more than you think,"
he said as he waved her goodbye.

Try to use some other verb that "said", since you already noted "say" in
the previous paragraph.

"Huh, how did you kno-- Never mind, don't worry I will," she said as
she smiled for the first time that day.

worry, I

Zephyr smiled as he looked at her smile. *It would be a waste to never
see such a pretty smile again,* he thought to himself.

Awful lot of smiles in this paragraph. Try to substite some of them
slightly.

When she finally left, Zephyr's eyes narrowed. "Come out Zeratul, I
know you're there!" he said harshly.

*once again, mental database fails to come up with a match for the name*

Another figure stepped out of the shadows, like one steps out of water.
He would have passed for human, if not for his eyes. Eyes which burned
with darkness.

eyes - eyes

In a large crater, a winged-figure kneeled, his once-shiny armour
tarnished and battered and his formerly-pristine wings was matted with
dirt. The only thing that seemed to be in good condition was the sword
which the angel held, resting on it like it was a staff.

and his formerly pristine wings matted with dirt.
The only thing seemingly in good condition was the sword the angel held,
resting on it like a staff.

"So, you still have strength....."Zeratul said before continuing, "This

...." Zeratul (...) continuing. "this

is better, I would have preferred to end your miserable life in a
fight!"

I prefer ending your

Now Genma was an expert when it came to smelling trouble (and avoiding
it of course) and he couldn't help but feel that something was very,
very wrong. Quickly pulling up the rope which was attached to Ranma, he
tried to shake the feeling.

Now, Genma was an expert (...) course), and
the rope attached to Ranma

When he finally pulled Ranma out of the pit, what he saw next shocked
him thoroughly. Ranma was lying limply at the end of the rope, like a
lifeless puppet, his chest giving small, shuddering heaves every now and
then. He was adorned with various scratches and blood soaked his
formerly white gi.

what he saw shocked him
scratches, and blood

Almost immediately, a brilliant glow began surrounding both figures,
intensifying until it ended with a brilliant burst of light.

Ranma? An angel? You know, for some reason, I feel the devil would
suit him better. ^_^

Ranma had wings! And Genma was pretty sure that Ranma didn't have them
a few minutes ago... So the question was where did Ranma get the wings
from? The last thing he remembered was Ranma about to die...

was, where

No doubt, they would ask about Ranma's condition and for answers he
wasn't prepared to give. If there was one thing Genma Saotome was an

and demand answers he

"Heh! We're going to let you off now, just remember to bring the money
tomorrow!" the bully said as he kicked Hikaru Gosunkugi in the ribs.

...

Gosunkugi Hikaru? A devil?

OK, he's a wimp, and he studies the occult, so I guess he fits Souma
pretty well, but still...

"Crap!! Is that a meteor!?" one bully said in awe as he stared up at
the incoming object.

Staring at something heading towards you and wondering "Hey, is that
a heat-seaking missile about to explode in my face?" is a pretty
stupid thing to do, even for your average bully. ^_^

"Run!!" another bully yelled as they quickly ran away, leaving Hikaru
to lie there alone. The impact of the object send even more pain lancing
through Hikaru's whole body as he felt several weakened ribs break from
the shockwave.

sent

Finally, when the smoke and dust had cleared, he got his first good
look at the object. Or more correctly, demon who stood in the middle of
a crater.

object, or (...)

"DAMN YOU ZEPHYR!" Zeratul roared out his displeasure to the skies. And

skies, and

"Hey, kid...looks like you're dying too," Zeratul said, putting on what
he thought was his most friendly smile onto his face. "We could both
survive if you let me dwell in your body. In exchange, we both get to
live and you get power in return too!" Zeratul said, giving his best
impersonation of  a used-car salesman.

live, and you get power in return, too

"5,000,000 yen!?" Genma said- not daring to believe his ears- as he
looked at the contract in front of him. Five million yen if he was to
sell Ranma to this carnival. The ringmaster had ranted on and on about
how Ranma would be the star attraction.

said, not

Looking back at Ranma - who was too far to hear the conversation going
on- he wondered if he should even be considering doing such a thing. But
then....he hadn't eaten in quite some time and five million yen could
buy a lot of things....

This is Genma. If offered 5 mil yen, he wouldn't hesitate a second
to sell Ranma off, knowing that he'll easily be able to take the boy
back...

Unfortunately, upon receiving the five million yen Genma proceeded to
get so drunk that five weeks passed before he regained soberness. And
then, it took another several weeks to track down the carnival.

yen, Genma

Kuno however didn't notice the whole student population of Furinkan
High back away suddenly from him, as if he was a walking disease.

Kuno, however, didn't

Hikaru didn't make the slightest indication of fear as he just stood
there calmly. As the bokken came slashing down towards him however, his
left hand shot up with inhuman speed and grabbed it in mid-air, halting
it's descent.

him, however, his

"Call me Hikaru," he said, smirking at Kuno's flabbergasted face before
delivering a brutal punch which sent Kuno flying into the school walls.

Um. This is Japan. If he wants Kuno to call him by name, he'd make
sure to make it his *last* name.

"Don't call me that!" Kima said, as she wondered how one person could
managed to vex another so thoroughly. Ranma had gotten into the habit of
calling her 'Lady' because of her title as seneschal now that her father
had retired. He knew it irritated her to no end to hear him say that but
he never seemed to stop.

that, but he

Ranma was somewhat well-respected through Pheonix mountain because of
two factors. Firstly, he was the friend of the current seneschal and
two, because of his fighting ability.

seneschal, and secondly,

Ranma smiled as he kept on packing, he was going to miss them too.

packing. He

"Hey, I recognise this place. This is Jusenkyo!" Ranma said as he
surveyed the valley before him. Numerous small pools populated the area,
each with a bamboo stick jutting out of them.

Really, if he has angel-wings, I think giving him a curse *too* might
be a bit excessive... but then, on the other hand, the combination
of curse and sleeping-second-soul might produce some interesting
result... hm...

"Uh...I don't think you should do that, the pools are cursed you see,"

cursed, you see

Ranma sighed, putting his face into his hand as he wondered if he made
a smart decision leaving Pheonix mountain.

OK, no curse. But if you just came here to show Genma getting cursed,
I'd say it's a bit unecessary to even include the scene. It would
probably be preferably just to have Genma show up in panda form and
tell the tale later.

"So, who's this friend of yours we're going to meet??" Ranma asked,

meet?"

Nabiki stared at the son of her father's friend. He wasn't rather bad
looking but there was a palpable air of naivete around him. He was the

he wasn't at all bad looking
or something; "rather" really doesn't sound good.

kind who stood out in a crowd, although those wierd clothes he was
wearing didn't help any. They seemed to be some sort of armour in fact.

armour, in fact

Finally, after a moment, Hikaru detached his hand from Ranma's. The
demon snarled from within him, yelling out something. He could only
catch the word, "Zephyr!" and for a moment he could have sworn that he
saw a larger image of a winged figure, with long dark hair superimposed
on top of Ranma.

figure with

Zephyr was taken from a card in M:tg, a blue summon called Zephyr
Falcon. Zeratul is the name of the Dark templar from Star Craft.

Do you have some good reason for using "new" angel/devil? It would
probably interest me more if you used Ios and Sword...

---
Ronny Hedin, thark@hem2.passagen.se, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/
                    "Momomoto, famous japanese, can swallow his nose."