All characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi except for the crappy ones. Those
are mine.

Where Guardian Angels Should Fear to Tread


I was  finishing off a pack of cigarettes and eating a donut in the
cafeteria when my beeper went off. I checked to see who it was and rushed
out of the cafeteria as I possibly could. Running through all the fluffy
clouds outside of the cafeteria was always a bitch.
Heaven is just about as pretty as everyone thinks it is.  White clouds
everywhere, milk bars, theaters that never runs Pauly Shore movies although
the Pearly Gates aren't quite finished. You know sub-contractors.
So anyway I was rushing towards my boss's office and was a little startled
when he jumped out from hi big oak desk and started yelling at me.
"You jackass! What the hell are you doing?! Didn't you see what happened
down there!" he screamed at me.
"What? I was just having my coffee break-" I said, but was of course
interrupted.
"Your ward has just gone and killed a man!"
"Oh, boy," I said meekly.
"Oh, boy is right! Now, I want you to go down there and put him through a
guilt trip so he'll turn himself in!" my boss yelled at me so I high tailed
it out of his office.
The method of transportation in Heaven is really simple. You fly softly to
the Earth without hurting yourself. Unless of course you don't have wings,
like myself, then you have to jump down to the Earth splattering your
ectoplasm body forcing it to recombine. As you might guess I don't like to
travel.
So, as I fell through the sky I tried to figure out why my ward had killed
someone. He seemed like a good enough kid when I last saw him which was...
twelve years ago. Wow! That's what I call a long coffee break!
Boom! I hit the concrete and my entire body splattered all over the place. I
came back together again and looked at my surroundings.
It was an abandoned lot with a couple of steel pipes lying around on the
ground. The sky was grey and the only sound was that of a young man crushing
the wind pipe of another young man.
I looked at the kid who had his foot firmly pressed on the neck of the
other kid who was lying prone on the ground. I decided that being
invisible right now, wouldn't help so I made myself visible.
The young man took one look at me and said,"Who the Hell are you?!"
"Such manners! I never should have taken that coffee break! I'm your
guardian angel," and I waited for the usual response. Any intelligent person
who is confronted with a person who says they were their guardian angel
would naturally disbelieve that person.
"Really?" the young man said. One strike against him.
"Yes, I'm your guardian angel," I said.
He gave me a scary glare and said,"Okay, then why haven't you prevented my
life from becoming a living Hell?!"
I stepped back rather afraid because when I'm visible I'm vulnerable and
turning back took a lot of time.
But much to my luck the young man answered his own question,"It must be
Saotome's guardian angel has been keeping you busy!"
"Saotome?" I asked.
He then gave me an astonished look and said,"Ranma Saotome the man who
ruined my life!"
I blinked.
"The man I just killed!" He shouted while pointing at the corpse on the
ground.
I said,"Oooohhh! That Ranma Saotome!"
"Yes, that Ranma Saotome!" He yelled again.
I looked at the body and said,"Look..." I blinked and tried to recall my
ward's name," kid, you can't just kill people. It isn't right."
"But he ruined my life!" He shouted while pointing at the battered and
bruised body. "I think that what I did was compensation enough for the Hell
he put me through! He makes everyone's life a living Hell! Especially
Akane's-"
He stopped and got down on his hands and knees crying.
"Oh, no!!! Akane will never forgive me for killing a man in cold blood! Even
one as despicable as Saotome!"
I don't know what it was, but for some reason I felt really sorry for the
kid. I knew what my job was, but I didn't like the idea of convincing this
kid to go to jail. I mean the guy he had killed was a grade A jerk after all
he said so.
I walked over and patted him on the shoulder.
"Hey, take it easy, kid. It'll be okay. I'll help you out."
He turned towards me with tears streaming down his face and said,"You will?"
"Sure I will! It's a guardian angel's duty helping out his ward!"
He wiped the tears from his eyes and shook my hand. I can still feel that
grip of his. Ow!
"What's your name?" he asked me.
I blinked and said,"What's my name? I don't have a name."
"You don't have a name?"
"Nope, if somebody wants my attention they'll point at me and yell you. Like
some guy will say 'Hey you get off of my cloud!'"
He stood up and said,"Well, you have to have a name. I can't call you you.
How about Clarence?"
"Too wussy."
"Feather?"
"Too dependant."
"A name can be dependant?" he asked. I shrugged my shoulders and he
said,"Featherbrite?"
I raised one of my eyebrows and he said," Yeah, I guess that wouldn't really
fit you. How about Jack Nicholsan?"
"What are you crazy?! I can't name myself after God!" I shouted.
The kid stared at me and said,"How about Toshi?"
I placed my hand underneath my chin and said,"You know I like that name."
"Okay, so you're going to help me out with this situation... Toshi?" he
asked.
I stepped forward  grabbing his hand and shaking it hard.
"Sure I am buddy! Now, you've gotta tell me where the nearest forest is."
---


"Hey! That's a pretty good grave you got there," I said to the kid
as he stood inside the big ditch with his shovel in his right hand.
I dragged the body of the Saotome kid and said,"I'm gonna shove him in,
now."
I pushed the body into the grave right at my ward's feet.
He quickly jumped out of the grave and started to shovel the dirt on the
Saotome kid's body. "You know this was all sort of part of my plan," he said
as he threw a large piece of the earth into the ditch.
"Your plan?" I asked.
"Yeah," he said and stopped shoveling,"kill Ranma, marry Akane, have a few
kids and live happily ever after."
I said,"Huh. That sounds like a lot of people's plans. Except for the
killing part. Uh, kid is there anyone who knows that you wanted to kill this
guy?"
The kid looked thoughtfully and said,"Yeah, almost everyone in town."
I groaned and said,"Then we're going to have to see what people thought
happened to him, first."
---
We were walking towards this house with the kid leading. For some odd reason
it took the kid three days to get there. I guess he had some kinda weird
directional problem. Whatever.
Anyway we got to the house and let ourselves in. We walked around for
fifteen minutes and finally found this brown haired girl who was watching tv
while eating some chips. She looked to be about my ward's age and had a very
cold look when she turned around saying,"Ryouga, I didn't know you had a
boyfriend."
I looked around and said,"Who's Ryouga?"
Fortunately the kid didn't seem to notice and said,"He's not my boyfriend!"
The girl shrugged and went back to watching tv. Both me and Ryouga, what a
stupid name, just stood there awkwardly. I knew that one of us would have to
talk soon, but I had to think of a way to smoothly ask the girl if she knew
where Ranma was.
"Nabiki, have you seen Ranma in the past few days?" Ryouga asked. I had lost
count at how many strikes were against the kid.
She raised an eyebrow and said,"Why would you like to know?"
Ryouga started to twiddle his thumbs,"Well, it's not like I want to hurt him
or anything I just want to talk to him. It's not like I'm going to kill him
in a fight and bury him in the forest."
I groaned and Nabiki said,"R-Ryouga did you kill Ranma?"
"No, of course I didn't crush his windpipe with my foot!" he blurted out.
Nabiki stood up and backed away from us,"Oh, my God! you killed Ranma!"
Ryouga turned to me and said,"Did I say that?"
"No," I replied.
Ryouga turned to Nabiki and said,"See I didn't say that."
Nabiki turned and started to run away. Ryouga jumped forward and gave her a
quick chop to the neck with his right hand. An audible snap could be heard.
I shouted,"Why the Hell did you do that?!"
Ryouga said,"She was going to tell somebody... I just wanted to knock her
out."
"Well, you did more than that! Come on! Let's go back to the forest," I
said.
---
Ryouga threw Nabiki's body on top of Ranma's body in the ditch and I
said,"Okay, which person should we talk to next?"
He said,"I don't know. There's a lot of people who knew that I hated him."
"Well, just pick one and we'll ask them what they thought happened," I then
added,"But please let me do the talking."
---
Ryouga threw Ukyo's body on top of Mousse's body which was on top of
Shampoo's body which was on top Kasumi's body which was on top of Soun's
body which was on top of Genma's body which was on top of Nabiki's body
which was on top of Ranma's body.
"Okay, maybe letting me talk wasn't such a great idea after all," I said as
Ryouga threw the dirt on their bodies.
The cool sounds of the night air were broken as someone from behind us
screamed,"Oh My God!"
Both Ryouga and I turned around to see a girl who was standing looking in
pure terror at what we were doing.
"Akane!" Ryouga yelled.
I said,"This is Akane? No offense, kid, but it looks like you went to a lot
of trouble for nothing special."
Akane's face turned from mortal terror to pure rage. "You bastard! You
killed them you son of a bitch!"
Ryouga stumbled for words, but was caught surprised as Akane jumped at him
with murder in her eyes. The kid must have been acting by instinct because
you don't usually chop off the head of someone you love with a shovel.
He went down on his hands and knees crying his heart out while clutching the
severed head of the girl. He then said through tears,"My plan, my plan. Kill
Ranma. Check. Marry Akane. Check. Have children. We can adopt. We're going
to be sooooo happy! Ha Ha Ha!"
As I listened the crazy laughter of the kid one thought rushed through my
head, 'I'm not going to be getting my wings anytime soon."

The End

Until I find better things to write about. Ja ne.