Richard: Hello, folks. First, a brief introduction. Over here is Natsume
Akiko, Chairman and CEO of Mishima Heavy Industries.
Akiko: Hello, everyone. When shopping for major weapons of destruction,
don't forget to think of MHI.
Richard: Er, right. Okay, and over here is Minmei. No, not *that* Minmei;
she's actually an Artificial Intelligence modeled after Lynn Minmei.
Minmei: I am a non-corporeal intelligence inhabiting a computer console.
My appearance is actually a holographic image.
Akiko: All of the naivete, none of the stupidity.
Minmei & Richard: Hey!
Akiko: Let's get on with it.
Richard: First, I should say that the opinions expressed here are strictly
my own, and can and should be cheerfully discarded as the authors see fit.
Akiko: Which is his way of saying he'll rant and froth at the mouth and you
should turn your head away when he does.
Richard: Er, whatever. Also, this isn't what you'd call a traditional MST.
This is mostly just straight C&C with the occasional comment thrown in.
Minmei: Please, let's do start.
BLISS
a fic by
Mike Loader and Lara Bartram
Richard: Two of the finest. When you combine Lara's wicked ideas with
Mike's wicked sense of humor, you get-
Akiko: Wickedness?
Richard: I was going to say excellence.
Minmei: Now might be a time to mention that we're going to pretend that we
have no idea what's going on, when in fact we know the basic premise from
having talked with Lara and Mike on KawaiiMUCK.
She felt... awful. She must have been passed out on the
beach for days because exposed skin, and there was quite
a bit of it, was angry red, sunburned.
Minmei: This sentence is structured awkwardly. Perhaps something like
"...because her exposed skin - and there was quite a bit of it - was an
angry, sunburned red."
Forcing herself to stand and to look away from the
endless blue, she looked at the land behind herself.
Richard: I'd avoid back-to-back usage of the word "look". Perhaps replace
the second look with "gazed".
But food... And water. And the young man.
Akiko: Yes, food and water first, *then* sex.
Minmei: Akiko!
Akiko: What?
Richard: <sighing> Anyway, we have our setup. Nameless man and nameless
woman on a deserted island.
The sensation almost made her cry out, but she greedily
began to slurp at the liquid.
"Not so fast," the voice said. "You'll get sick."
Akiko: Hmm. And how would the voice know that? When did the voice get so
knowledgeable about the effects of dehydration and starvation?
"A river, not very far away. It empties into the ocean."
His answer was simple and concise.
Akiko: What's concise about it? "It empties into the ocean" is
superfluous - it has no immediate bearing on the situation at hand.
"Now that you're awake, I'll look for something." He
draped the cloth over her shoulder and started to stand,
so slowly like he was an old man, pulling away from the
girl.
Richard: Okay, why is he a "young man" and she's a "girl"?
Akiko: <sarcastically> Oh God, it's PC-man. Everyone fear his righteous
power.
Richard: It's just annoying. The two are at most a year apart, and
different terms are being applied. Why can't she be a young woman? Why
can't he be a boy? It's a bit sexist.
Akiko: Puh-lease, Lawson. Put a muzzle on it.
Richard: Oh, all right. I'll say no more on the subject.
Minmei: An interesting aside is that the woman in the story thought of
herself *as* a woman. Either this rules out Ranma, or she's lost her memory
so completely that she doesn't know what gender she is.
Akiko: I find that unlikely. If I were to wake up tomorrow without a
memory and in the body of a man, I'd still know that something was wrong.
Richard: Unless there were [CUE: Thunderous Organ Music] Mysterious Powers
[End music] at play.
Akiko: How'd you do that?
Richard: Er, I have no idea. Minmei?
<Minmei merely smiles>
Whoever she was, she was strong.
Richard: Ah hah! So she's either Ranma or Akane or...
Minmei: Or Shampoo or Ukyo or Akari-
Richard: Akari's strong?
Minmei: Try raising pigs on your own and see if you don't develop some
muscles.
Akiko: <poking Richard's arms> Instead of this mass of tissue we'll call
'flab'.
Richard: Er, okay. I guess she could be anyone.
The stars were
familiar enough to see, but they looked strange
otherwise.
Akiko: Er, what?
Minmei: What?
Akiko: I can't make sense of that sentence.
Minmei: Perhaps they'll come back later and explain about the stars.
Akiko: I guess. Maybe they're green, but he doesn't remember enough to
know that they're not supposed to be that way.
The images in her dream were vague, but unsettling.
Minmei: The usage of "but" implies a contradiction. However, vague dreams
are almost always unsettling.
Akiko: What would you know about it, circuit-brain?
Minmei: Er, I'd suggest saying "...were vague and unsettling."
Hoping to see
something, anything, her meager hopes fell when she saw
the blue staring back at her.
Richard: I really like this imagery of the blue expanse. Very nice.
She wanted to cry, wanted to cry at the unfairness of the
world and yell and scream her hatred out. But something
inside her would not allow such a weak show of emotion.
Richard: Hmm. This would seem to rule Ranma and Akane out. And Ukyo and
Shampoo and Kodachi and just about everyone. They were all prone to bouts
of yelling and screaming. Even crying; Ranma cried several times during the
manga.
Minmei: So who could it be?
Richard: Nabiki? She's the only one in the manga who consistently held on
to her emotional self-control.
Akiko: I dunno. She doesn't act like Nabiki.
Richard: Perhaps her personality has been altered by the [Foreboding Chord]
Mysterious Entity.
Akiko: <wincing> Do you have to do that so loudly?
Minmei: This could also be a matter of character interpretation. This
could be Ranma, for example, cast in the more traditional interpretation of
"manly", which forbids crying. Lara and Mike could simply be overlooking
counter-examples in the manga to present a more consistent characterization.
Akiko: Perhaps. It's not as if we don't know of anyone else who's ever
done that.
<Richard pikus>
She nodded and accepted the gourd, almost pulling her
hand away when their fingers brushed against one another
innocently.
She blushed and took the gourd, avoiding looking in his
eyes.
Akiko: Well, definitely not Ranma. I think Ranma'd *never* blush at the
touch of a man.
Richard: Unless she was under the influence of the... <pauses, waiting,
then shrugs> Mysterious Entity [Massive, bone-rattling chord!].
<Richard cries out and slaps his hand over his ear. Akiko sighs and covers
her eyes. Minmei grins.>
What if we sat here and
there was some sort of resort on the other side?"
Minmei: Maison Ikkoku reference.
Richard: Not one of the better stories.
"Are you feeling well enough to
walk possibly a long distance."
Minmei: Punctuation. "...a long distance?"
It was hot and humid, but the trees shaded the two from
the sun. They were lucky in that respect as they were
both without any sort of covering for their heads.
Akiko: This kind of third-person omniscient observation is a little
disruptive and a bit unnecessary. It'd be easy to change this into the
musing of one or the other of them.
There was one point, a small waterfall, where the two
were making their way up the large stones that made a
natural stairway, that something... odd happened.
Akiko: Same here, especially the "something... odd" observation. This
reads like the kind of descriptive bits you'd see pasted in a comic book.
Richard: In fact, you could eliminate that whole bit. Just show the
"something... odd" happening without the clumsy foreshadowing.
He looked back at her quickly. "Are you OK?"
Minmei: "Okay" is the better word to use.
Akiko: Why?
Minmei: Er... it just is.
"At the speed
this water is traveling, there's probably some pretty
sizable hills at least."
Akiko: <as Nameless Woman> Hey! Stop looking at my chest!
...i lo...why does she hate me...no! akan...
"Akane?" he said, hesitantly. "Are you Akane."
Richard: Well, this narrows the list a little for the Nameless Man. Either
Tatewaki or Ranma or Gosunkugi or Ryoga.
Minmei: Not Ryoga; Ryoga doesn't think Akane hates him. Same with
Gosunkugi; Akane just ignores him most of the time, she doesn't give him
reason to think she hates him.
Richard: Good point. Tatewaki or Ranma, then.
Her eyes widened. "Akane... Akane..." The word had
meaning, it was important, it fit her...
...akane, teased a male voice, uncute tomboy...
Richard: As for the Nameless Woman, this could refer to Ranma or Akane. I
don't think any of the other fianc�es would think that "Akane" would fit
them. At an outside chance, it might be Kasumi or Nabiki, but I think that
very unlikely.
Minmei: It might be amusing to learn that they're *both* Ranma. This could
be "Nullifier" revisited.
Akiko: Look at the two of you, pretending you're so clever, deducing
identities you already know.
<Richard and Minmei blush>
"I suppose I am. Ukyo.
Richard: <smirking> Well, this is interesting. A wicked twist. Ukyo,
indeed.
Minmei: We also get a nice taste of what might have happened to bring them
here.
"I'm Ukyo, of the Ku..."
Richard: This pretty much seals it. This has to be Kuno.
Minmei: It could be "Kuonji".
Richard: What, cursed into a male form? Naw. It's Kuno.
Akiko: Stop it, you two. We *know* it's Kuno, okay?
"Oh... Oh crap." Akane kneeled down next to Ukyo and
patted his cheek "Ukyo? Ukyo, are you OK."
Minmei: Punctuation, and the abbreviation thing. "...are you okay?"
"Are you sure you're not hurt."
Minmei: "...not hurt?"
They walked for 15 minutes more,
Minmei: While rules about numbers vary a little, all of them agree that
numbers under twenty should be spelled out. "...for fifteen minutes
more,..."
But maybe more like... unnatural than mysterious.
[CUE: Thunderous Music.]
Even from 75 feet away,
Minmei: Here's where we start getting into some ambiguity. Some say that
numbers between 21 and 100 don't need to be spelled out, but most
authorities say that all numbers under a hundred should be spelled out. I'd
suggest "seventy-five"
It was easy to tell the stone's original tone had been
very dark,
Minmei: Avoid passive descriptive passages like this. Try "The stone's
original tone had obviously been very dark,..."
"We don't have a choice." And then she was up like a
shot, fighting, and he was hypnotized by the way she
moved. "We kick ass."
Richard: <chuckling> I like this a lot.
Ukyo was shaken from moment of admiration
Minmei: "Ukyo was shaken from a moment of admiration..."
They seemed to ooze out of the darkness, their slim,
ragged bodies seemed to absorb any light directed at
them.
Minmei: Either this should be two sentences, or you should say, "...their
slim, ragged bodies seeming to absorb any light..."
The tide of living darkness seemed to ebb, and then as
quickly as they had attacked, the dogs fled. Their prey
hadn't been as vulnerable as it had appeared, and it had
hurt their numbers deeply. It might be a time before they
returned in an attempt to taste of their flesh, but they
would return.
Richard: Again, an awkward, out-of-place third-person omniscient
observation that's totally unnecessary. Just have the dogs run away, and
let the reader infer the rest. Readers are pretty darned smart, you know.
"How'd you get the fire going."
Minmei: "...going?"
Ukyo smiled sheepishly. "I am a bit embarrassed. It
wasn't until almost morning that I noticed the huge stone
pillar was, in fact, a huge flint pillar."
Akiko: How conveeeeenient.
Richard: Obviously the work of the... er, you know.
Minmei: Shucks.
"It's stone. How did you break it off."
Minmei: "...off?"
Ukyo trailed off. "I
shouldn't be able to do that, should I."
Minmei: "...should I?"
"And we both happened to have the exact same type of
amnesia?" Akane asked skeptically. "I don't think so."
[Cue: Low, ominous chord]
Ukyo carefully turned the haunch again. "Who taught you."
Minmei: "...you?"
It got to be a maddeningly boring jungle.
Akiko: Speaking of maddeningly boring...
Minmei: Akiko!
Akiko: Okay, that's unfair. But the pacing of this story *is* very slow.
I keep wondering how much of this could be compressed without sacrificing
the integrity of the story.
Minmei: That's not your call to make.
Akiko: Yeah, yeah. Still, as a reader I am allowed to say that this story
is dragging a bit.
She stopped suddenly and looked back at him. "Could you
not look."
Minmei: "...not look?"
Nah, it wasn't worth it. That didn't mean she
couldn't appraise him though.
That line of thought made her blush for some unknown
reason.
It was only natural, but it was somehow... wrong. But
still...
Richard: That should just about seal it. Akane is Ranma. This is a hint
of the gender confusion that's being repressed.
Akiko: Okay, can we stop pretending now? Jeeze.
"Am I what."
Minmei: "...what?"
"Sure is," she answered, backing away slowly. "Why?
You've got a problem with it."
Minmei: "...a problem with it?"
Can you just leave me alone for a while."
Minmei: "...for a while?"
Ukyo tried to get a look at the position of the sun
through the trees. "What about the sun."
Minmei: "...the sun?"
"Do you want to worry about breakfast in bed or
surviving."
Minmei: "...or surviving?"
Akiko: What, you people never heard of question marks?
"It is kind of chilly, isn't it."
Minmei: "...isn't it?"
The sound of the water constantly pounding down less than
15 feet away finally forced her to wake up.
Minmei: fifteen
Shrugging, Akane headed off into the jungle to hunt.
Richard: Another long, somewhat boring passage. A lot of detail, not all
of it interesting or necessary. It doesn't even set much of a mood. It
could be trimmed considerably, IMO.
Minmei: It depends on your writing style. Some people excel in long,
descriptive passages. Yours, Richard, tend to be somewhat minimal. This
also means that you prefer somewhat minimal descriptions in the works you
read. Not everyone has your tastes.
Richard: Er, I suppose you're right. Even so, I found this and some of the
other passages boring. I just can't help but think that they can be done
more concisely and effectively.
"It happened again, all right."
Minmei: "...all right?"
"What happened? Were there more dogs."
Minmei: "...more dogs?"
And then, Ukyo truly was frightened. Akane was getting
her memory back? He hadn't experienced a thing. Nothing.
His mind was just as blank as it had been before,
Akiko: Truer words were never spoken.
Minmei: Perhaps he *doesn't* want his memory back. Perhaps he'd've been a
normal guy in Nerima if he didn't have memories weighing him down.
Ignorance is bliss, indeed.
"Akane, does this mean... you're getting your memory
back."
Minmei: "...back?"
Hell, both of them looked ready to melt, and several
times they stopped and rested under the canopy of the
jungle.
Akiko: Again with the third-person omniscient observation, with a
dialogue-like curse thrown in. This would work much better as a thought of
one or the other of them.
Akane was doubled over, sucking in air. "Just... just
relax, Ukyo. Take deep breaths, don't talk. It's not as
bad as you think it is."
Richard: As an aside, one of the first things you learn in any physical
activity is not to double over when you're trying to breathe. Standing up
with your arms on or over your head allows for much easier breathing.
"What is it then."
Minmei: "...then?"
"Ukyo," Akane whispered, "do you feel a breeze."
Minmei: "...breeze?"
Ukyo shook his head. "Why."
Minmei: "Why?"
Akane looked at him strangely. "What."
Minmei: "What?"
Ukyo had suddenly stopped speaking. "What is it, Ukyo."
Minmei: "What is it, Ukyo?"
Waves of nausea surged through her, and she turned away
and retched. For a few seconds she bent and panted, dry
heaving, and then Ukyo helped her to straighten. She felt
like hell, and her mind felt like something was rattling
around inside it, and her head ached like mad...
Richard: This scene was very good. Eerie.
"Are you okay? What's wrong."
Minmei: "What's wrong?"
...ukyo! no, god, please no, my fault! my fault!...
Akiko: I'm guessing the odds aren't good on the real Ukyo being alive.
but... What if I never remember who I am."
Minmei: "...I am?"
For a moment, Akane didn't do anything, then she closed
her hand on his in a show of solidarity. The two it them
would make it. They would make sure of it.
Richard: And again, a nice portrait of two people coming together against
adversity. Touching.
Akiko: And boy, won't "Akane" be in for a shock when she gets her memory
back.
"This can't be a temple. Wouldn't there be something
here then."
Minmei: "...here then?"
"Akane, are you hurt?" he called.
"I... I think so."
Minmei: Is that supposed to be, "I *don't* think so." ?
"Ukyo, how... what happened to the wall that
opened."
Minmei: "...that opened?"
"So how are we supposed to get out of here."
Minmei: "...out of here?"
It is rather dark, isn't it."
Minmei: <sighing> I'm worn out. Akiko, take over.
Akiko: Not me. You do it, Lawson.
Richard: Me? Why me?
Akiko: Because I'm the one holding the taser.
Richard: Good point. "...isn't it?"
The other wing was completely gone, ripped off and gone
to wherever. Not that any of that mattered because they
wouldn't be flying off the island even if they had a 747
ready to go at a moment's notice.
Akiko: This is rather an odd statement. Who is making that observation,
and why?
They pushed through some strangely thick branches,
tangled by vines, leaves obscuring their vision until
Ukyo and Akane had to finally yank on one vine together.
Tugging didn't work, so they pulled with all their
strength together.
<Akiko is snoring loudly>
Minmei: HEY!
Akiko: <jerking upright> Wha?
Minmei: That's not nice.
Akiko: Well, dammit, nothing is happening, and it's taking a long time to
accomplish that.
Richard: It, er, could be setting up the atmosphere, establishing
characterization...
Akiko: All that's been done before. Really, this whole scene from waking
up in the morning to right here is drawn out, accomplishes little, and is,
to be blunt, boring. A lot of this stuff could have been accomplished in
much less space.
"Wonder what."
Richard: "Wonder what?"
She wasn't sure if speculation was such a good idea
especially when considering the huge mound of dirt. And
that temple. After that, she could have just as easily
guessed King Kong as anything and it would have been
valid.
Akiko: Look, I hate to keep harping, but this is getting silly. The above
paragraph summarizes observations already made in previous paragraphs. You
keep repeating observations, inner thoughts, re-capping past events, saying
the same things over and over again, making the fic drag and drag. Brevity.
Conciseness. Pacing. Those are quite necessary qualities to a fic.
Minmei: <blinking> You're getting quite worked up about it.
Akiko: It's just that there are 200 pages to go and I'm terribly afraid
that it's going to just as slow as these first few.
Richard: Some people like a slow, idyllic story.
Akiko: Those people would never last a week as CEO.
Ukyo looked down the wide lane they were walking. "We
could do it here. It's as good a spot as any."
Akiko: Yes! About time. Been looking forward to the sex scene for a while
now.
Minmei: Er, you know, double entendres about "it" are a bit juvenille.
"How far do you think we've gone."
Richard: "...we've gone?"
"But how do you think we should do this."
Richard: "...do this?"
Akiko: I'd suggest the missionary-
Minmei: Hush.
"Do what? I'm considering just closing my eyes and taking
a nap," was Ukyo's lazy reply.
Richard: Er, is this Tom Swifty intentional? Seems a bit weak to me.
Ukyo sat up and looked around, thinking about the
quickest (and what would provide the most protection) way
of building such a structure.
Minmei: Not a well-structured sentence. I'd try, "...thinking about a way
to build a structure that would be quick and provide the most protection."
"How big do you think it should be? Twenty five feet?
Thirty."
Akane shrugged. "Twenty five is fine."
Ukyo took twenty five measured steps away from the stick
Minmei: Twenty-five, in all cases.
Akiko: And do we need to go into such detail about how the hut gets built?
Booooring.
Minmei: Akiko! Please.
"We anchor trunk in the ground at each corner then just
tie a bunch of them together between,
Richard: Look! Ukyo talking Tarzan. Him must be adjusting to King of
Jungle stereotype. We emulate him, no?
Akiko: No.
How long will this take."
Richard: "...this take?"
"How are we gonna do this without a hole to anchor
it in." she asked.
Richard: This should read: "...anchor it in?" she asked.
"And why not."
Richard: "And why not?"
Ukyo looked at the construction of their primitive
protective wall.
Akiko: About time! It's evident they suffered; did we have to suffer, too?
Minmei: <sighing> Richard?
Richard: I've been waiting for this for so long.
<WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM>
Minmei: You know, the mallet would be a lot more effective if it wasn't
made out of styrofoam.
Richard: Oops.
Akiko: <patting Richard on the cheek> Don't worry, dear. Let me show you
how you should do it.
<WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM>
Akiko: Notice the greater impact that stainless steel makes? Now, let's
experiment with oak.
<WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM>
Richard: ow
Two weeks and her skin was darkly tanned and she could
see some improved definition in the muscles there.
Richard: Really? I'd be sure "Akane"'s muscles would already be highly
defined. As strong as she is, I honestly can't see all the log lifting
making a difference.
They had exhausted the small group a trees' supply of
Minmei: "...the small group of..."
"Feel this," Ukyo prompted.
<Akiko opens her mouth. Richard instantly covers it.>
Minmei: Please ignore the interruption. We now return to our regularly
scheduled fanfic.
"What do you want, Ukyo."
Richard: "...you want, Ukyo?"
"Come out here. Look at the sky."
Akane rolled over so she was facing the palisade wall.
"I've seen it before. Dark and lots of stars."
Richard: Hehehehehehe.
Minmei: This may be where we find out what is different about the stars.
staring up at the sky. "What is it."
Richard: "What is it?"
Nodding, Akane didn't say anything. There was an ominous
peace that accompanied the wide open sky, like the entire
world was about to be swallowed up in those stars. Akane
closed her eyes, consumed by total darkness.
Richard: Rather like the sky-and-ocean combination right at the beginning.
This is nice imagery, showing just how completely isolated "Ukyo" and
"Akane" are.
Smooth, naked skin assaulted his eyes, making his brain
grind to a halt. Ukyo swallowed what felt like a boulder
in his throat as Akane poured water over her shoulder and
down her back.
Richard: Now there would be a sight to make your eyes bug out.
Akiko: And you were only looking at her toes, right?
Richard: <defensively> I was! It's true!
Akiko: Uh-huh.
She would kill him. And if she was naked while she did
it, he would enjoy it. A lot.
Richard: Bwahahahahahahahahaha!
Akiko: At last, the story is picking up the pace. This is much better.
Feel up to it."
Richard: ...up to it?"
"Heh. Yeah, maybe there's a luxurious island resort."
Akiko: We've made this observation before, folks.
"How many left."
Richard: "How many left?"
"Hrm. Needs a name, you know. We can't just keep calling
it 'That Mountain'."
"Why not."
Richard: "Why not?" Oh, and :D :D :D :D, too.
"C'mon, let's head toward the sea. If we find a lagoon or
something, you get to name it."
Richard: <as Ukyo> Oh, great lagoon, I grant thee the name I have taken for
myself. Let thee be known as "The Blue Lagoon of Furinkan High"!
Akiko: Ha. Oh, ha ha. I am, like, dying.
"Sorry. Would it help if I named the trees as we walk."
Richard: "...as we walk?"
The strolled along under the shadow of the mountain,
Minmei: "They strolled..."
heading for the northern ocean beaches. Both of the found
Minmei: "Both of them found..."
"The important thing is the size," Akane said, eyes
gleaming.
<Richard instantly whirls and clamps both hands over Akiko's mouth, who
struggles valiantly.>
Minmei: It's not the size that matters, you know.
Richard: <whirling> Minmei!
Minmei: I was saying that even a small boat would be just as effective in
sailing them out of there.
Akiko: Riiiiight.
"Shall we row out to the ship."
Richard: "...the ship?"
"Hey, Ukyo, could you make us a light."
Richard: "...us a light?"
He shrugged helplessly. "From what."
Richard: "From what?"
Akane spoke first. "Which one's the radio."
Richard: "...the radio?"
I repeat, is anyone receiving this."
Richard: "...receiving this?"
Ukyo frowned at the set. This thing shouldn't be picking
up music stations..."
Minmei: Put a quote mark before "This".
"What kind of music is this? Is it music."
Richard: "Is it music?"
He glanced over to see Akane sitting in the radio chair,
a leatherbound book open on her lap. "What is it."
Richard: "What is it?"
A Lt. Nakamura attacked his superior officer with a knife
in the troop bay. He was restrained, and locked in the
brig, screaming about how his eyes were the wrong color.
I have made a speech to the ship's complement to keep up
morale.
Richard: <as Captain> The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Minmei: An old joke.
Akiko: And a surprisingly effective motivational technique.
Hideous gate to hell! Long
live the mperor! Long live Japan!
Richard: I think this should be, "Long like the Emperor!"
"Have you got the tools."
Richard: <heavy sigh> "Have you got the tools?"
Ukyo raised an eyebrow. "Nervous."
Richard: "Nervous?"
She pointed at the bay and ship. "Aren't you going to
name it."
Richard: "...name it?"
"Huh. Know what brought it on."
Richard: "...brought it on?"
In its place, a bed of gravel and rocks was carefully
laid, forming a stone foundation. Neither of them were
exactly sure what precise benefit this would bring, but
they both felt it was preferable to dirt.
Akiko: Oh God, another house-building scene. I'm stuffing cotton in my
ears and covering my head with a burlap sack. Let me know when it's over.
Richard: You know, I almost hate to say this, but-
Minmei: I know, I know, she's a lot more bearable this way.
"Good. What's next."
Richard: "What's next?"
"You wanna live in a crooked house."
Richard: "...house?"
"But why not."
Richard: "...not?"
"So how are we going to put on a roof."
Richard: "...roof?"
And then it was done.
<Richard hits Akiko's shoulder>
Akiko: <removing sack and cotton> Is it over?
Richard: Yes. It was a lot shorter this time, too. Snappier, moved along
nicely without bogging down in detail.
But what about a name."
Richard: "...name?"
If they had reliable line, she could have just gone pole
fishing, but she didn't trust any thread they could come
up with to hold under the pressure of some of the fish
down there, and any supply of hooks fashioned from bone
would be fairly limited.
Akiko: And here we have long, detailed accounts about fishing and trapping
and stuff that has no real bearing on the story and is dull as dirt.
Minmei: Er, can you try to be a little more cirumspect?
Akiko: Look, all I'm saying is that it can be trimmed up considerably
without sacrificing anything. As it is, my eyes tend to glaze over during
these long parts.
Richard: Reminds me a little of "The Clan of the Cave Bear", where you
could skip pages and pages of descriptive stuff and not miss anything at all
important. In fact, that's what I did when reading this otherwise excellent
book.
Akane looked back at Dog, who was still asleep. "Silly
Dog.
Minmei: Trix are for kids!
Akiko: Ooooookay, enough TV for the AI.
"Don't know what."
Richard: "Don't know what?"
It went from living animal to glistening skeleton in
under thirty seconds.
Richard: That is awfully fast. Rather unrealistically fast. Does it have
to be thirty seconds? Can't it be "in a matter of minutes" or something?
Minmei: Well, this is supposed to be an unnatural island, don't forget.
Seeing something go through that kind of a metamorphosis would be rather
terrifying.
Ukyo sighed. He didn't _want_ separate rooms, which was
one of the main reasons they needed them.
Richard: Heh. I rather like this observation.
"Ukyo? Something wrong."
Richard: "...wrong?"
They dashed out the hole in the wall, tiny black object
drooping from the ceiling as they did.
Minmei: I'm certain this should be "...tiny black objects..."
"They're gaining!" he screamed.
Richard: Ants aren't *that* fast.
Akiko: There you go again, injecting unnecessary reality. This is a gothic
horror, and by necessity must be faster than the pursuers.
Still certain about that."
Richard: "...that?"
"Do you agree."
Richard: "...agree?"
"Ukyo... how did we get here."
Richard: "...here?"
Ukyo thought for a second. "Maybe. But do we really want
to go poking around in it."
Richard: "...in it?"
"Whose bright idea was it to build the damn house in
the air."
Richard: "...air?"
And so the rest of the day was spent digging the
postholes.
<Akiko sighs and reaches for the cotton balls. Richard grabs her arm and
shakes his head. Akiko growls, but leaves her ears uncovered.>
"Does it hurt."
Richard: "...hurt?"
Ukyo stood on the floor, and cautiously walked across it.
Minmei: Kill the comma.
Akiko: Right. <KAPOW!>
Richard: Again with the handguns.
Ukyo finished jumping up and down, nodded, and waved to
Akane. "Okay, this one should hold."
Akiko: Okay, okay, these building scenes *are* much better. I'd recommend
making the earlier ones much like this. Highlight, but don't go into
excruciating detail.
The result was a balcony large enough for two chairs and
a small table. They carefully rigged an awning from brush
and bamboo poles, and when it rained on the fourth week
into their construction they sat under it, watched the
drops patter through the leaves outside the palisade, and
drank in the sight.
Akiko: But the finished description of their new house is a bit much.
Again, no need, except as the story requires. Something like, "Ukyo and
Akane sat on a balcony large enough for two chairs and a small table,
looking out into the jungle." Or some such. These paragraphs are
uninteresting and, again, drag the fic down.
"I really do, Akane-chan," he said quietly and stroked
the side of her head, his fingers running through her
lengthening hair. "I do love you."
Akiko: Hubba bubba. *Here's* the lemon part. Go go Ukyo go.
Richard and Minmei: ...
"Are we going to be here for the rest of our lives."
Richard: All right, I've had it. Your turn, Akiko.
Akiko: <breathlessly> "...lives?"
Akane smiled and covered his hand with hers. "Ukyo.. shut
up."
Akiko: Yeah! Just *do* it already.
Minmei: Did you know this about Akiko?
Richard: Why are you surprised? You saw the way she acted while we were
reading "Complete Control".
"Ukyo-chan," Akane asked breathlessly, "what's wrong."
Akiko: "...wrong?" And what is wrong, doofus? Get *on* with it!
There had been a strangely surreal feeling to those
dreams, but the way she felt when she had awakened was
very real. Those feelings had finally come to a head and
she would not hold them back.
Richard: Heh. Nice hint of the change that "Akane"'s been through to allow
this moment.
Ukyo attacked her neck and began to thrust gently with
his hips, trying to find the proper spot. It took a bit,
time that was enjoyable in its own way, where the two
were able to feel each other with every misguided thrust.
Richard: <pulling at his collar> When *did* it get so hot in here?
Minmei: This entire scene is very well done. Erotic imagery without being
necessarily pornographic. A difficult balance to achieve, and very nicely
done.
Akiko: You two! Shut up and let me read!
"Yeah. Couldn't you tell."
Akiko: "...tell?" And dammit, Ukyo, you need to learn a few techniques.
Next time better make Akane see angels weep.
Akane snorted. "Not really. What about me."
Akiko: "...me?"
"The moment? What if we had been related? What if we
_are_ related."
Richard: Oh Akane, the truth is far, far more horrible than you ever
imagined.
Akane returned a bit later with some wood. "This should
be good. It's pretty hard, should burn for a good while."
Akiko: Ah, I see he *did* learn those techniques after all.
Minmei: Oh Akiko.
Dawn broke. More like it slammed over Akane's head and
jabbed her eyes.
Richard: Hehehehehehe.
"Ukyo..." Akane groaned, closing her eyes again. "What
the hell happened last night."
Akiko: "...night?"
Don't you know what happened last night."
Akiko: And again. "...night?"
"It must have been. There's no other explanation for the
way I started acting. Or why we were asleep for two days
after that."
Akiko: Er, and how did she know they were asleep for two days?
"Your... Oh. Is that a problem."
Akiko: "...problem?" And damn straight it is.
Richard: And what does "Akane" know about "that time of the month"?
Minmei: Let's not go there. Let's just call it author's prerogative.
Ukyo turned then and shook his head. "Of course not. Why
would I be."
Akiko: "...I be?"
"Yeah. I think that's what it is. I think we screwed up."
Ukyo's jaw clenched. "We did not screw up. We are simply
being presented with a new challenge, and we will get
through this. There is nothing wrong with what's
happened. We should be happy."
Richard: Bleah. Too syrupy an answer.
Minmei: Consider who's giving it.
Richard: True. Still, I'd like a bit of hesitation or something thrown in.
This sounds too much like something that's only written, never actually
said.
"You bet," answered Akane, smiling. They stayed that way
for a bit, just looking at each other, before Akane
lifted the palm wine and took a drink. "Want some."
Akiko: "Want some?"
For the first time since she had awakened on the island,
Akane put her head down and cried for herself.
"Are you gonna hold still, or do I need to knock you
unconscious?" The look in Akane's eyes was absolute
seriousness.
She wasn't kidding.
"Go," Ukyo replied, nodding his head once.
Akane cut the end of the line with the knife and pinched
it hard between two fingers. "Ready?" Her arm tensed.
Ukyo started to nod, but before he could finish, Akane
pulled on the line. He released a sound that resembled a
squeal and immediately clamped his hand over the wound.
"All done. That wasn't so bad, was it?" In one hand,
Akane was holding the homemade suture.
Ukyo's face slowly turned red and it was quite obvious he
was trying to hold something in. "Gyaaahh!" he finally
cried out.
Walking away, Akane said, "I'll get the wine."
"Gyaaahh."
Akiko: This scene is another example of reiterating things already covered.
Ukyo in pain, Akane doing what's necessary to heal Ukyo, even offering palm
wine. It accomplishes nothing at all new. I'd say kill it altogether.
Richard: Also, from a story-telling perspective, what did the attack on
Ukyo accomplish? It didn't further the plot or further the relationship or
set up anything later on. It seems like filler more than anything else -
"Say, let's have Ukyo get his arm ripped to shreds right here."
Ukyo looked confused, made even sillier by the mass of
morning hair. "Why are you so happy."
Akiko: "...happy?"
"NO, Akane. Whatever it was, it's much bigger than a
coconut," Ukyo answered and grinned at her.
Minmei: Is "NO" supposed to be two capitals? I don't think so; I think it
should be "No".
Ukyo took another step. "On what."
Akiko: "...what?"
"Yes. I was curious a to what it was."
Minmei: "...curious as to what..."
"I'll take care of the gate then. How's the kicking."
Akiko: "...kicking?"
IN those few hours,
Minmei: "In..."
Akane looked. "What is it."
Akiko: "...is it?"
Shivering at the breeze, he went back inside, closing the
door behind himself. "Is there something you need."
Akiko: "...need?"
Ukyo shook his head. "It doesn't look good. A storm it
looks like. A bad one."
Richard: Now Ukyo his Yoda impression does. Perhaps a hurricane it is.
Hur-ummm.
Akiko: <whapping the back of Richard's head> Stop that, idiot.
The home creaked ominously, but it was only, with a
tremendous squeal, when the roof was yanked off and sent
crashing into the tool shed.
Minmei: Er, what? But it was only what? I have a feeling there's
something missing in this sentence.
Ukyo stared at her for a moment. "What has."
Akiko: "What has?"
"Will you be able to make it."
Akiko: <sighs> "...make it?"
"Not much." Akane took a drink of the water. "Do you
think this will work out all right."
Akiko: "...right?"
Minmei: Also, the story has been moving quite nicely. A great sense of
dread and urgency as the hurricane and Akane's pregnancy each reach their
climax. Well done.
Akane was starting to breathe a little quicker than she
had been. "Five minutes? SO what."
Akiko: "So what?"
Akane looked at him, quite concerned. "Was that a
flashback."
Akiko: "...flashback?"
"At least what."
Akiko: "...what?"
She looked at him, not quite believing what he was
saying. "Why."
Akiko: "Why?"
"I'm sure he'll be find, Nabiki.
Minmei: "...he'll be fine..."
"Who... where's Nabiki."
Akiko: "...Nabiki?"
"She's here. Is there something wrong."
Akiko: "...wrong?"
"When do you think you will be."
Akiko: All right, that's enough. Back to you, Minmei.
Minmei: "...will be?"
"What was that."
Minmei: "...that?"
"Akane? What's this."
Minmei: "...this?"
"It's very good," Ukyo said, a slight tinge of wonder in
his voice. "Why the temple."
Minmei: "...temple?"
He blinked. "It looks finished to me. What sort of
color."
Minmei: "...color?"
How on earth do you train a baby."
Minmei: "...baby?"
He nodded. "Why, do you think? What kind of people were
we."
Minmei: "...we?"
Akane spread her hands. "No idea. To be honest, Ukyo, I
don't think it matters now as much as it used to. I've
got you and Nabiki, and next to that... next to that, who
I used to be really isn't very important, you know."
Akiko: Yaright. Just you wait, "Akane".
Minmei: Nice sentiments, though.
Behind her, flutes played with malignant glee. A final
cry of horror tried to escape, and the resulting wet
gurgle was the last sound she heard before her ears shut
down. She felt rather than saw the blood flowing up from
her throat, and hoped Ukyo would be all right.
Richard: Urk.
Minmei: Oh my.
Akiko: Well. Perhaps we won't have to worry about "Akane"'s reaction after
all.
Minmei: Hush. This was a really intense scene. Well done, guys.
"Akane? Are you out there."
Minmei: "...there?"
Numbly, he began to reach for her wrist to check for a
pulse, and then she convulsed, flopping on the bloody
stones like a landed fish, twisting and writhing. And
then she went slack again, a new trickle of blood and
bile oozing from a corner of her mouth.
Richard: Urk, again.
Akiko: Maybe she *will* live long enough to kill "Ukyo".
Minmei: Please, I want to see what happens next here. This is quite
captivating.
He no longer cried. He was too numb to cry. The hours
passed mechanically, cleaning, forcing soup down her
throat, wiping the loathsome oily fluid from her body. It
hurt to look at her. His Akane, his life, his beautiful,
fiery, wonderful goddess on earth, a thing of grace and
strength and life. Lying on the clean pallet where they
had made love so many times, now stained and filthy and
sticky with bile, writhing and convulsing, the beautiful,
strong body chalk-pale and covered with weeping sores...
Richard: Wow. This whole part is really, really good. Intense, with
haunting imagery, and a terrible foreboding. Very nicely executed.
He sighed. "Can't you at least tell me what happened to
you."
Minmei: "...you?"
He gently placed their crying daughter into the back
harness slung over her shoulder, and picked up his
fighting stick. "Are you ready."
Minmei: "...ready?"
A precious day was spent erecting a crude mast, with
several sewed skins forming a sail. They constructed a
rail around the edge, more to keep water out than for
anything else, and secured the all-important water
barrels to the middle of the raft with rope and a wooden
frame.
Richard: You know, I have trouble conceiving that "Ukyo" and "Akane" know
so much useful stuff about survival training *and* raft-building. I mean, I
consider myself as knowledgeable as the next guy - perhaps more so - and I
wouldn't have the foggiest idea how to make a raft with a sail.
Minmei: Again, this is just an indulgence you have to give the authors.
After all, it *is* possible they have this knowledge - think of the life
that "Akane"'s led. Allow the authors some leeway here.
They had no home port. They knew nothing of stars or
constellations or latitudes.
Richard: Wow. At last, something they *don't* instinctively know for no
readily apparent reason.
Minmei: Hush.
"Where would you like to wind up, Ukyo-chan."
Minmei: "...Ukyo-chan?"
Akane leaned her head against his shoulder. "What would
we do there."
Minmei: "...do there?"
"I know. How is he? When can I see him."
Minmei: "...him?"
"According to the medical report, he's suffering from
amnesia. They only identified him via dental records. Are
you his sister."
Minmei: "...sister?"
He screamed, and screamed, and his memories replayed life
on the island, living with Kuno, being attracted to Kuno,
sleeping with Kuno, making love to another man and
actually ENJOYING it...
Akiko: Now that's gotta hurt.
Minmei: Again, nice work on detailing the emotional torture here.
"Why did you think I was so jealous of you?" Akane
laughed, the sound a little sad. "It wasn't until you
'died' that I realized how stupid I had been. And then I
was stupid in a whole new way, and slashed my wrists, and
got into the furo to just drift away to the afterlife."
Richard: Heh. About two dozen fanfics have been created with this very
premise in mind.
Akiko: Including one of yours, oh Mr. Originality.
Ranma laughed bitterly. "How? I have a child, for God's
sake. I gave birth to a child! I'm not a man, I'm Kuno's
whore."
Richard: Oof. There's a self-image problem for you.
Akane was silent for a second. "I saw. What's her name."
Minmei: "...name?"
Someone tapped her on the shoulder, and she turned.
"Boo," Ranma said.
Nabiki opened her mouth, moved it for a few seconds, and
then fainted.
Richard: You know, this is really, really funny. As simple and old as the
gag is, I still laughed good and long over it.
"Hey. Did you startle Nabiki."
Minmei: "...Nabiki?"
He finished chewing, and looked down. "Was it really that
bad."
Minmei: "...bad?"
"Hey, where's Pop."
Minmei: "...Pop?"
She blinked again. "Aren't you dead."
Minmei: "...dead?"
Ranma smirked. "Yeah. Say, your dad doesn't, does he."
Minmei: "...he?"
He blinked. "Huh? Isn't this his house."
Minmei: "...house?"
Why didn't she move in with him."
Minmei: "...him?"
Akiko: Question marks. Come to know them. Come to love them. They are
your friends.
"Oh. Are they gonna get married."
Minmei: "...married?"
"I missed a lot, didn't I," he finally said.
Minmei: "...didn't I?"
"Ranma, what happened? Where were you."
Minmei: "...you?"
"You don't think Kuno would hurt her, do you."
Minmei: "...do you?"
Ukyo screamed, and the last memories of Tatewaki Kuno
slid into place. And the last shards of Tatewaki Kuno
melted like icicles in a blast furnace. He was Ukyo Kuno,
with the memories of someone called Tatewaki Kuno, who he
hated. Hated because his actions had taken Ranma away
from him forever.
Richard: Excellent paragraph. Perfect description. Bravo.
"One day, little girl, you're going to grow up and you're
not going to need me any longer. You're not going to
laugh at a silly face, or smile at me. I'm not really
your father after all. Your father was a good man, not a
delusional pervert like me. I'll never be the man your
father was; I can't."
Akiko: Once again, you're falling into the trap of repeating the same
observations over and over again. This paragraph is really just repeating
things said earlier. It's a bit boring for the reader; I know that I'm
saying to myself, "Yes, yes, I *know* all this, move on."
Akane glared at him. "What part of Go-The-Fuck-Away don't
you understand, asshole?" She reached for the edge of the
door, intending to slam it shut in his face.
Richard: Er, is this kind of language really necessary?
Akiko: Not everyone's a weird prude like you, Lawson.
She hesitated, the scowl turning into a frown. "What
about it."
Minmei: "...it?"
"What, you want a turn."
Minmei: "...turn?"
She nodded. "What if she needed you and Kuno to stay
together."
Minmei: "...together?"
"Hey, speaking of which, how'd the kid get here."
Minmei: "...here?"
"How am I not supposed to worry, Ranma."
Minmei: "...Ranma?"
So is it yes, or no."
Minmei: "...no?"
"Can you tell me, honestly tell me that you don't love
him."
Minmei: "...him?"
or if you want a ride home, I'll be here
sitting by the telephone, okay."
Minmei: "...okay?"
*You don't know what I went through! You don't know what
it was like!*
Minmei: This device doesn't work so well. Why not simply have Kuno speak
with quotation marks? There's no real reason to distinguish dialogue spoken
over a telephone line from other dialogue.
"Do... do you want to take Nabiki with you."
Minmei: "...you?"
Akiko: Is anyone else really getting bored? Trying to work through a sense
of post-climactic scenes dragged out way too long?
Minmei: Well, Ranma and Kuno still have a lot to work out. That's a climax
in and of itself.
Akiko: I guess. Still, this feels like it's being stretched out
unnecessarily. I'd prefer they cut to the chase; this extraneous stuff
isn't doing anything for me.
Minmei: Not all people are you, Akiko.
Richard: Thank God.
Akiko: Now, let's see how a lead hammer works.
"And then we'll be a happy family, right."
Minmei: "...right?"
"I suppose it's the only thing I have left, isn't it."
Minmei: "...isn't it?"
She was everything I ever wanted in a woman, and...
and... We were happy, weren't we."
Minmei: "...we?"
"You'll have to get used to it. This type of thing is
going to happen all the time." Still, she reached up and
patted his back. And she remained still, frighteningly
still when Kuno couldn't help himself and hugged her.
"Good bye," he whispered to her, then stood up and fled.
Richard: This was very nice.
Akiko: Even if it took too long to get there.
Minmei: Perhaps the length of the journey heightened the impact of this
scene.
Akiko: And maybe the only reason we like it is because we're relieved it's
arrived.
Richard: Ahem. As I said, this was very nice, Akiko's cynicism aside.
"Uh-huh. Isn't she just adorable."
Minmei: "...adorable?"
"Akane? Stupid question, but, ah, whose baby is this."
Minmei: "...is this?"
"Did he take it well."
Minmei: "...well?"
"So what's the kid's name."
Minmei: "...name?"
"Yeah, I heard. But you've got it back now, right."
Minmei: "...right?"
"Yup. Wanna hold her."
Minmei: "...her?"
"Nabiki, you've corrupted my daughter, haven't you,"
Minmei: "...haven't you?"
Are you _sure_ this is your kid, Ranma."
Minmei: "...Ranma?"
"Yen," little Nabiki said happily.
Akiko: At first I was going to yell at you for yet another extraneous
scene, but I ended up liking it very much, so I won't.
Minmei: In other words, this was very cute.
What would you like."
Minmei: "...like?"
"Do you think our food is ready yet."
Minmei: "...yet?"
"Is there anything else I can get for you."
Minmei: "...you?"
He looked from his food back to the waitress and noted
the friendly smile she gave him and then the smile she
gave Kuno. They were different. Very different. And a
plan was born.
Akiko: Ah. We're going to spend the last twenty-six pages fixing Kuno up
so everyone doesn't have to feel guilty. Neatly tie up all the loose ends.
Richard: Personally, I don't think this is a loose end that needs fixing
up. It would be perfectly all right to give Kuno a ray of hope - perhaps
nothing more than the smile - and leave the rest to the reader's
imagination. Spelling it out for these remaining pages is really dragging
the fic out unnecessarily.
Akiko: <holding up a bound book> Read "Thy Inward Love" lately?
Richard: Er...
Akiko: Or how about the two dozen follow-ups to "Thy Outward Part"?
Richard: Um...
Akiko: Or-
Minmei: Please, don't torture the poor boy.
"And how is my cutest customer."
Minmei: "...customer?"
"Now what can I get for you."
Minmei: "...you?"
"Nabiki-chan," he moaned, "what do I do."
Minmei: "...do?"
Nabiki whomped him on the head and grabbed two handfuls
of hair.
Richard: <chuckling> Good answer, Nabsie.
"I'm Lara," she said, now smiling, and held out her hand.
Richard: <blinking> How'd that get there.
Minmei: No idea whatsoever.
"What have I gotten myself into."
Minmei: "...into?"
"I don't make you uncomfortable, do I."
Minmei: "...do I?"
What'd she think of Nabiki-chan."
Minmei: "...Nabiki-chan?"
"I don't like him," she said flatly.
"Why."
Minmei: "Why?"
"Well."
Minmei: "Well?"
"Do I need a reason to dislike someone."
Minmei: "...someone?"
Lara turned and met Kuno's confused gaze. "Just tell
me. How is that so difficult."
Minmei: "...difficult?"
Akiko: <narrowing her eyes> Stop that, bit-breath.
Stripping down to his underwear once again, he slipped
into bed next to her. His worries were soothed when
Tojiko rolled over and snuggled up to him. Content for
the time, Kuno put his arm around her and went to sleep.
Akiko: Hurm. This whole scene didn't affect me at all. In a sense it was
nice to see Tatewaki be happy. In another, I'm overcome with the sensation
of, "Can we get this fic over with now?" Again, from a story-telling
perspective, this is just out of place. We've got the major conflicts of
the story over with. "The End" should be appearing now, not another
self-contained story. In fact, this would be better as a side story rather
than a part of the main "Bliss" story.
Richard: As we often do, feel free to ignore what Akiko says.
Akiko: Now the spiked mallet, from what I've been told, *hurts*.
Richard: eep
"Or have you not taken a look at the two of us lately."
Minmei: "...lately?"
Akane returned with tea. "What did you want to talk
about."
Minmei: "...about?"
"I doubt that. What did you discuss."
Minmei: "...discuss?"
Kuno was perplexed. "Why would you ever do something like
that."
Minmei: "...that?"
"Was that... was that a proposal."
Minmei: "...proposal?"
"Maybe. You got a problem with that."
Minmei: "...that?"
EPILOGUE
Akiko: Thank God.
Richard: I'm afraid to try. Minmei?
Minmei: Sure. <ZZZZZZAP!>
Akiko: OW! Hey!
Ranma snorted, and straightened his friend's tie. "What,
you scared or something."
Minmei: "...something?"
"Is this supposed to be helping."
Minmei: "...helping?"
"Well... you know the twisting feeling in your gut at
getting married? How utterly horrifying it is."
Minmei: "...it is?"
"Which piece of cloth is that."
Minmei: "...is that?"
The wedding went alarmingly well.
<Richard grins>
[What are they saying?] he finally asked Kodachi.
The former gymnast winced. She had mellowed slightly
since her high school days, and was now much more
restrained. In public, anyway. [They're offering you
their condolences. Don't ask.] [Oh.]
Richard: Hehehehehehehehe
Akiko: Wonder who the lucky gaijin is.
"Can I have the next dance."
Minmei: "...dance?"
"Sounds good. Want to be friends in the meantime."
Minmei: "...meantime?"
Akiko: I rather liked this conversation between Tatewaki and Akane. Well
done.
Lara blinked. "Excuse me."
Minmei: "Excuse me?"
Akiko: All right, that's enough.
<Akiko pulls a lever. The power in the room goes out. Minmei pops out of
existence.>
Richard: Oh damn. I hope she did a backup last night.
Akiko: <holding up CD-ROM> Yes, she did. And she'll be right as rain after
I've made a few modifications.
Akane shook her head. "What could she be laughing about
with him."
Richard: Er, I guess it's me now. "...with him?"
A look of complete disbelief on her face, Akane looked at
him. "What? How do you know."
Richard: "...you know?"
"Is there something wrong."
Richard: "...wrong?"
Akane regained her voice then. "Sex!."
Richard: An extra period snuck in. "Sex!"
END
Richard: Okay, last thoughts. Minmei?
Akiko: Not online.
Richard: Er, right. Akiko?
Akiko: Well, damn, this fic dragged out in a lot of places. I think this
was 250 pages that could have easily been condensed into a hundred. The
weird shifting of perspective from Ranma to Kuno to the dogs to an
omniscient third person was disconcerting as well. At times this story was
paced very well, and at times one wanted to fall asleep. A lot of
observations were repeated, a lot of inner dialogue gone into over and over
again. This is perhaps the result of two authors collaborating. I don't
know. I definitely would recommend one final read-over and some
restructuring and some perhaps drastic cuts. This would be a great story if
it were a little more even and a lot more concise.
Richard: And it *is* a great story in parts. There were scenes and
dialogues that were quite breath-taking. There was some really excellent
writing in this story. The gothic bits were very nice. My only complaint
is that this story needs more of a McGuffin, more of a reason *why* this is
all happening. One can make inferences, but they're very tenuous at best.
A few lines here and there - perhaps a certain way Nabiki-chan behaves -
would be enough.
Akiko: And you two definitely set the record for the most missed instance
of question marks. I don't know if this a collective blind spot, but an
awful lot were missing. I'm not even certain they were all caught.
Richard: Anyway, overall a very good job. The best Ranma/Kuno pairing yet
seen. Thank you for presenting it to us.
Akiko: And until next time-
<ZZZZZAAAAAPPPPPP>
Akiko: ow <thud>
Minmei: Ja ne.
Richard: ...
Minmei: What you never heard of a UPS?