Hello!

Finally! The first chapter is done and we hope you would enjoy reading
it as much as we enjoyed writing it. We would really like to hear your
comments/suggestions on the story so that we could make our plot better.

I'll do my humble best...

And it will be much more appreciated if you don't flame us! We are still
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So 'm I! ^_^  This is my first public C&C.  Hope it goes well...

Fushigi Mizu
by: Dy

< Country of Konan >

With their hands held together in a tender gesture of love and
companionship, Miaka and Tamahome stood outside her bedchamber, 

I think this is a little too long for an opening sentence.  Splitting it into two sentences here would make it more manageable.   

dreading

the time when they have to say goodnight and part for hours until the
sun rose again the next day... 

I get what you're saying, but I think you could say it in a better way.  How about, "They dreaded having to say goodnight, because then they would have to part for hours, not seeing each other again until the sun rose the next day..."

or so would it seem.

Hmm... Foreshadowing, right?  

I think that last little phrase sounds a little weird, though.  How about, "Or so they thought."

Miaka brought up her other hand and toyed absently with her ponytail.
"I failed to summon Suzaku's powers again. If I didn't know better, I
would have truly believed 

I think the verb tense is a little off here... I think  "I'd truly believe" would be a better choice.

that I'm not meant for this task." she said

You need a comma here.

giggling a little self-consciously.

Tamahome gave her a tight smile in reponse. "Rest and forget your
worries, Miaka. We'll all try again tomorrow."

She immediately brightened up and nodded her assent, absolutely
oblivious of the tension around Tamahome's mouth. 

You don't really need the "absolutely" here.  "Oblivious" pretty much covers it... That's Miaka for you! ^_^

"Goodnight

comma

Tama-chan..." Miaka raised herself on tiptoes and aimed for his lips as
she encircled her arms around his neck as they kissed.

Whoa!  This sentence goes on for a while... You should probably break it up into two sentences.  And you don't really need to say "around" when you've already said "encircled", because they mean pretty much the same thing.  If you want to use "encircled", you should say something like "She encircled his neck with her arms."

A few seconds after, 

"Later" would be a better word choice than "after", I think.

Tamahome lifted his lips from hers and pulled away

>from her embrace. "It's getting late..." 

You've got an extra quotation mark here... he ain't finished speakin' yet!

I have to go. You need as much
sleep as you can get if we are to try calling the Suzaku again. 

For some reason, "the Suzaku" sounds wrong.  Just call him "Suzaku," I'd say.  (Or, if you're feeling brave, call him "The Almighty Chicken of Doom!" ^v^)

You know
how much Konan's fate depends on it."

So, your story occurs in an alternate reality, taking place after Amiboshi's deception was uncovered (in volume 6, if I remember correctly).  In this reality, Taiitsu-kun *didn't* appear in the fire to tell Miaka and her seishi that they'd need to gather the shinzahou in order to be able to summon Suzaku.  The seishi and Miaka keep trying to perform the Suzaku-summoning ceremony, not knowing that it's useless...

...am I right?

I had a bit of difficulty placing this story in the established FY timeline. If you gave a few more clues to the reader, this problem would be solved.

"Yes, I do..." she agreed whole-heartedly. Her mind started working
overtime with visions of what will 

would

happen should she fail again, so 

I think it would work better if you started a new sentence here. Get rid of the "so" and start a new sentence with "She".

she
vowed determinedly, 

"Determinedly", as a word, sounds awkward.  Something like "with determination in her heart" would work better, I think.

"As long as it is in my powers to do so, I will help
this country, Konan, rise from despair to glorious victory." 

Hmmm... sounds a bit too eloquent for Miaka.  Who's her speechwriter? ^_^  I'd say Miaka should use simpler words - she is, after all, just a schoolgirl, and not especially known for her excellent grades either...

A large
flame of conviction began blazing brightly all around  Miaka, fueled by
the strong emotions racing thru 

through

her entire being.

"Let's not get too carried away here..." Tamahome reminded, fanning
down the sudden fire in an attempt to stop the disastrous idea from
forming inside Miaka's brain. 

He's a bit too late; it's already started! ^_^

Seriously though, the explanatory bits of that sentence just bog down an otherwise comic little scene.  I'd delete "in an attempt [...] brain."

Having been the one to save her neck from
mishaps 

Use the singular form, not the plural, for this construct.  "mishap after mishap" is correct. 

after mishaps. He knew 

These two sentence fragments should be combined into one sentence: "... from mishap after mishap, he knew..."

first-hand how draining such an
experience could be.

She smiled sheepishly and muttered an apology. "Sorry... I'll try to
control myself next time." 

So... Miaka can spontaneously self-combust? That's new...  This sentence makes it seem like she does this often, and can control it.  I'd just have her be embarrassed and say "Sorry!"

Opening the door to her room, Miaka stepped
inside and hurriedly turned around to greet Tamahome again. 

How about, "for the last time." instead of "again."  If you want foreshadowing...

"Sweet
dreams, Tama-chan. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Right... tomorrow." as soon as 

This new sentence needs a capital A:  "As soon as..."

he heard the unmistakable sound of the
door being shut, Tamahome released the tired sigh he'd been holding back
for quite a while now. With a distracted look in his eyes, he retraced
his steps back to the castle's main hall.

He was so 

You don't really need the "so" here.  If you want to indicate that he's really confused, use "very confused" or "extremely confused" or something like that.

confused, but he wasn't really sure why. A part of him wanted
to believe that it was all because of the pressure his country was in...
the growing chaos, the inevitable war with Kutou... but deep inside, he
knew that it was something else...

I think this last ellipsis is unnecessary.  (I know I'm guilty of ellipsis abuse myself... see? there I go again!)

It was Miaka. She was so innocent, so naive... so helpless. He was
worried that she might not be able to bear all the problems they were
going thru 

through

And a comma here wouldn't be out of place.

and might suddenly break down one day. She didn't realize
that to save others, one must know how to save one's self first.

That last sentence was a little awkward; I think something like "She didn't realize that to save others, one must first know how to save oneself." would be better.

He signed 

sighed

again and paused as he passed a window. How beautiful the
night was, with all the stars shining so bright. 

Since you started this paragraph in third person omniscient, you should keep it that way.  Either change it to "The night was beautiful, with many stars shining brightly", or make that sentence one of Tamahome's thoughts.  

On impulse, he
whispered a heartfelt wish, 

I think a period would be more appropriate than a comma here.

"I wish our priestess was a stronger woman."

Ooooops... ^_^

Then he continued walking thru 

through

the silent corridors of the Royal Konan
Palace, making his way to his own bedchamber.

     * * *

In the depths of the mystical forest where the sorcerer's territory
lay, Taiitsu-kun 

I thought Taiitsu-kun lived at the top of Mt. Taikyoku, not in a forest.  The forest was just an illusion, right?

watched the couple's exchange in his enchanted mirror.

"His"?   Are you considering Taiitsu-kun as the Creator here?  Because the Sunakake-baba form would be considered female.  Dreadfully old, yes, but still female ^_^

He gave a small nod at Tamahome's little whim. 

"wish" instead of "whim"

How clever of him to
sense what Taiitsu-kun was about to do...

Hmmm... do we ever find out Taiitsu-kun's reasons for doing this to Tamahome and Miaka?  Seems like rather a cruel thing to do...

"It is time..." his raspy voice rang out against the fortress' peaceful
walls, with 

Begin a new sentence here.  "...walls.  With..."

a wave of his fingers, the image in the crystal ball
changed...

     * * *

"Tama! Where are you, Tama? Chichiri's looking for you..."

Tamahome whirled around at the sound of his name being called. Almost
immediately, he heard the sound of loud laughing and guffawing. His eyes
darkened menacingly.

"Tasuki!!!"

Mild overuse of exclamation marks...  One or two would be plenty.  Unless Tamahome's shouting, in which case you should use all caps: "TASUKI!!!"

Tasuki quickly crouched down to catch Mitsukake's scampering white cat,
Tama. "Good morning, Tama! I didn't know you were there ! Up so early?"

He sounds rather cultured for a bandit, doesn't he?

he greeted, 

"Greeted" isn't really the right word to use here.  "Said" would be better.

this time referring to Tamahome. His bright orange hair hid
his smirk from the latter's view. 

Because he's still crouched over the cat?  This sentence was rather unclear.

Tasuki decided to tease Tamahome a
little more since his friend seemed to be in a testy mood this morning.

"Damn right you didn't!" Tamahome scowled darkly and approached Tasuki,
his intentions obviously taking on a violent turn.

Hmmm... Tamahome's acting more like Tasuki than Tasuki is.  As a rough, uncultured bandit, Tasuki should be spouting profanities left and right, and usin' a lotta contractions in his speech.

Tasuki's grin widened as he reached for his fan. "Cool it, Tama. Your
fur's getting all ruffled. Here, let me help you..." 

he flipped open the

iron fan 

Capital letter to begin a new sentence: "He flipped..."

and swung a wild stroke 

"swung wildly" would probably be a better choice.

in the air, throwing hot flame 

flames

all over
the place, especially all over Tamahome.

What? No "Lekka Shien!"?  That's Tasuki's signature.

And what happened to the cat?

Tamahome tried to leap out of the way, but he wasn't fast enough. In
the end though, he did manage to escape unharmed...
but totally
blackened. Soots stained his cheeks and clothes.

He usually doesn't escape, though; that's why he's blackened.  He's charred to a crisp! ^v^

Combined with the
fierce frown on his face, he looked every bit like the orge 

ogre

his blazing
character branded him to be.

Tasuki laughed harder 

But he wasn't laughing before, just smirking. Maybe if you say "Tasuki laughed harder and harder until..."

until his sides began to hurt. He saw Tamahome
lunge at him and so he turned around to flee across the hall, but a hand
grasped his shirt collar and stopped him. Twisting around, he was
surprised to see a pair of violet eyes instead of dark blue ones.
"Nuriko! When did you get here ?!?"

No space needed between "here" and the punctuation: "When did you get here?!?"

"Nice to see you, too, Tasuki. Good morning, Tamahome, did you sleep
well?" Nuriko, the strongest of the seven Seishi, smiled as she 

Are you putting this in to avoid spoiling people?  It's not really necessary.  Tasuki showed up in the fourth volume, and we discovered the truth about Nuriko in the second volume.  

Unless in your alternate reality, Nuriko really *is* a woman...  If that's so, you should mention it specifically.

held
Tasuki off the floor with one hand and Tamahome off with the other. 

This sentence is a bit awkward. I think  "... held Tasuki up in the air with one hand, and held Tamahome up with the other." would be an improvement.

She
was glad she came just in time to stop another of the famous
"Tasuki-Tamahome" arguments. Hotohori-sama wouldn't have been pleased.

"Yes, thank you. Can I get down now?" came Tamahome's reply.

"Dammit, Nuriko! Let me go!" a struggling Tasuki shouted.

This is a better characterization of Tasuki than you had before. ^_^

"We have to get going. Hotohori-sama wants us to see him at breakfast."
she informed them 

A comma is required there, not a period: "...at breakfast," (s)he informed them...

in a business-like tone. Being one of the Emperor's
closest friends had its advantages. "By the way, have any of you seen
Miaka?"

Tamahome felt a flash of uneasiness at the mention of Miaka's name.
"I've been to her room a while ago. She wasn't there, so I assumed she
was with you."

"Funny... Hotohori-sama said the very same thing. He's been looking for
her since the sun came up because he wants to talk to her about the
legendary amulet that might help us summon the Suzaku." 

Just Suzaku, please.

Hmmm... an amulet?  Do you mean the shinzahou? 

Nuriko said
thoughtfully, her eyebrows raised.  This was very unusual indeed. Miaka
was seldom  alone. Given her cheerful disposition, she usually preferred
having some company around rather than be all by herself.

Just then, Chichiri came running out of the corner, his mask removed.
His scarred face was contorted with fear and panic as he announced, "The
castle's in an uproar! Miaka is missing!!" 

What reason does he have to take his mask off?
And where's his "no da"?

     * * *

 "How can she be missing?!? I just saw her to her room last night!! Are
you sure your soldiers are looking hard enough, Hotohori?" Tamahome
demanded hotly as white fury ran thru 

through

his veins. He couldn't believe
this was happening! It was just as he feared... the minute he turned his
back, Miaka would be 

"was" instead of "would be"

reduced to a helpless creature who couldn't even
defend herself.

Maybe if you mentioned something about kidnapping here, to give Tamahome a basis for this statement...

Hotohori gave Tamahome an intent 

intense?

look and decided to forgive the latter
for challenging him like that. He knew his friend needed utmost
understanding right now because the only girl he has

had

ever cared for
suddenly vanished without a clue. 

"without a trace." or "without leaving any clues behind."  Otherwise, you're saying that Miaka's clueless ^_^ Well, that's kind of true, but not exactly what you wanted to say... ^_^;;

"They're doing their best, Tamahome."
he said in an attempt to ease him.

Use a comma there.  "...best, Tamahome," he said...

"Maybe she was captured by Nakago's men sometime during the night."

comma

Chiriko suggested helpfully, unintentionally speaking out what the
others' 

There's no need for an apostrophe there.  

most feared.

Chichiri shook his head vehemently from where he sat near the window.
"She's gone farther away than that... I can't feel her chi."

I could accept the loss of the "no da" when we first saw Chichiri, because of his extreme emotions, but I can't accept it here.  He's had a chance to calm down by now.  No matter how worried he is, he always ends his sentences with "no da".  

"Either that, or Nakago must be blocking off you

your

powers with his own."

comma

Nuriko pointed out, pacing worriedly just behind Hotohori's chair.

"I say we go there and find out by OURSELVES." Tasuki stood up abruptly
and poised his hand over his hand 

A little too much "over his hand" for my taste... ^_^

over his fan, 

Maybe "grasped his fan" or "clutched his fan in trembling fists" would give a better image.

itching to do battle.

"A bloody battle will do no good," Mitsukake disagreed.

"said" instead of "disagreed." 

Or, possibly: "Mitsukake said, disagreeing with Tasuki."

Soon enough, the whole room was vibrating with various shouted ideas to
rescue Miaka. 

ideas about how to rescue Miaka.

Hotohori hit the flat of the table 

?_? But I thought the whole table was flat!  You probably meant, "hit the table with the flat of his hand".

with a resounding thud
to get their attention. "Wherever Miaka may be, we must all remember one
thing: Nakago is never to know that she is missing. Once he finds out,
Konan is finished. We won't stand a chance against them, 

Them? Who's "them"? How about mentioning Kutou country here... 

especially now
that our priestess is gone. There'll be no way to summon the Suzaku.

Just Suzaku.   It is a name, after all.

"I'll issue out a decree that not a word about this should escape the
castle walls. Otherwise, the risk will be too high."

comma

he went on.

Tamahome held up  a hand and said solemnly, "Hotohori-sama, please
allow me to search outside the kingdom. I promise to be discreet and to
take utmost care."

Hotohori nodded his permission. "Before you do, search the outskirts of
our territory first. She could be hurt there somewhere."

Or she could be somewhere within Konan, maybe even in the capital city.  The seishi don't seem to have searched very much so far. 

Tamahome was out of the door in the next minute, 

It took him a whole minute?  I'd say more a second or an instant.  He is hopelessly in love, after all.

running as if his very
life depended on it.

Nuriko coughed noisily to break the sudden silence that descended on
the room.

"What do we do now?" she asked. They couldn't go on a search
of their own and maintain secrecy at the same time. Soon enough, their
tasks would raise suspicions all over town.

"We ask for a decoy." 

comma

Hotohori stated simply.

"Excuse me?" Chiriko said, dumbstruck.

Hotohori leaned back on his chair and rubbed his chin pensively. "A
decoy... another girl from Miaka's world. If we're to deceive Nakago,
we'll need another girl of Miaka's upbringing... and more."

The rest of the five Seishis stared at Hotohori with the most
disbelieving expressions in their faces. 

So am I.

Why would Hotohori say this? I think it'd be much more likely that he'd want a young maiden of Konan to be a decoy to impersonate Miaka.  I mean, you can't just summon a maiden from another world whenever you want one.  Hotohori might *wish* for another girl like Miaka, but he won't flat-out say they need one.  Or try to ask Taiitsu-kun for one.    

They were all wondering if
perhaps their young emperor 

if perhaps their young emperor had

lost his mind sometime between the discovery
of Miaka's disappearance and now... considering 

"considering" should be capitalized.

he himself loves 

loved

the
priestess, such a possibility couldn't be ruled out.

Just then, a mysterious voice filled the room... 

Don't use an ellipsis here.  A comma would be better.

speaking but three
words.

"It is time..."

     * * *

< Nerima, Japan >

The bright morning sun streamed through the wide windows of  Fuurinkan

Does it really have a double "u"? I've never seen that spelling before.

High's school library as the whole junior class busied themselves with
their respective research projects. Study period was never spent this
wisely before, 

had never been spent this wisely before,

but since a good project grade ensured an examination
exemption, the students decided 

had decided

to be smart and grab the chance as it
passed by.

In the farthest corner of the library, where the sunlight was weak and
the air was filled with dust, stood a girl with short blue-black hair
and angry eyes. She was infuriated beyond belief that the teacher would
assign such a hard topic for her to work on. Hell... she wasn't even
sure if their library had the book she was looking for or not! Old
legends, indeed!

Mumbling all the while about legendary weirdoes that she doesn't 

didn't

really
care a thing for, Akane Tendou went on tiptoes and reached for the
hard-bound book she spotted on the top most 

"topmost" is one word.

shelf. It was very dusty,
and the pages were obviously yellowing with age, but from where she
stood, she could make out the words "universe" and "gods" on the cover.
Judging from its title, it was pretty safe to say that the book
contained something about legends.

Ooh... the Shi Jin Ten Chi Sho makes an appearance!

Her fingers inched closer and closer to the book, until finally, she
felt it against her fingertips. With a soft grunt under her breath, 

You don't really need "under her breath"

she
tugged hard. The book came tumbling down, landing noisily on the floor.
Along with it, Akane thought she heard the distant sound of wings
flapping.

If Akane heard the wings, shouldn't she be sucked into the book instead of Ranma?

And if the book is in the Furinkan library instead of the National Library, how did Miaka get sucked into it in the first place?

She took a glance around the place as if to make sure. She wouldn't
have been surprised if she saw a bird behind her. Seeing nothing, she
bent down to retrieve the book and blew the dust away for good measure.

Just then, she heard a suspiciously familiar voice a couple of aisle

aisles

away.

"Oh, Ryoga darling... I miss you so much! Why did you leave me?"

Akane's eyes narrowed into thin slits as she got closer to the voice. A
few steps more and the culprit came into view.

"Leave you? I'm sorry, but I don't even remember you... you must be
ahh... mistaken..." Ryoga was saying as he backed away, eventually
trapping himself against the bookcase.

I thought Ryouga didn't go to school.  He couldn't find the place...

The voice spoke up again, her tone positively sobbing. 

Tones don't sob.  People do.  ^_^  Maybe: "The voice spoke again, its tone sorrowful." or "The girl spoke again, almost sobbing." Or something like that ^_^;;

"But Ryoga...
I'm your fiancee!... I've been following you everywhere because I need
you so..." the 

Capitalize "The".

girl, dressed in the blue-green and white Fuurinkan
uniform, 

Since when has Ranma started wearing the school uniform?  Wouldn't Akane have noticed before now?

held Ryoga tightly in a passionate embrace, her abundant
breasts pressing against his chest.

Instantaneously, Ryoga's nose began bleeding.

"Instantly" would be a better word choice.

Akane's temper exploded along with it. "Ranma! You pervert!!!"

"What !?!" 

"What!?!"

And I don't think you need all that punctuation if Ranma's only exclaiming instead of yelling or shouting. How about, "What...?"

Ranma exclaimed, turning at the sound of Akane's voice. A
hard-bound book caught her head at mid-turn,

This doesn't really give the image that this scene needs.  How about, "impacted her head while she was turning"

however, forming a
rock-sized 

How big is that? Rocks come in all sizes ^_^

lumped 

lump

amidst her red tresses.

The book fell again ,

Get rid of the extra space.

flipping open to a particular page as if directed
to do so.

"Akane 

comma

you fool! You ruined my plan!" Ranma said, exasperated. 

And what does Ryouga have to say about this?

She
reached for the book and heard some wings flapping. She twisted around
to see what it was, 

She knows what it was: it was the sound of wings flapping.  What she'd be looking for is the bird that made the sound, right?

but before she could move, a red light flashed into
her eyes and enveloped her body. "What the..."

Then a strange voice filled her mind... 

You shouldn't use an ellipsis here.

"It is time..."

In the next minute, an eerie silence surrounded them all.

How about, "an eerie silence filled the library."

Ranma Saotome was gone.

Oo, interesting!  A substitute Miko!  

Hmm... I wonder what Taiitsu-kun's reasons were for making this switch.  Was Miaka dumped back into the real world, or is she trapped in limbo somewhere?  What about Yui?  We'll find out, right?


This story has some promise... keep it up!

Megan Jones                   bwerith@mac-addict.com
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Museum/4728/index.html



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