At 02:09 PM 1/20/99 PST, you wrote:
Ranma and the Defender of the Light
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Author's notes:
Any and all C&C is welcome, but please send any flames privately.
(Nick roasts marshmallows over FFML posts)
Well, that worked...
BTW, I apologize if this is made public. Since there seems to be so much
overly negative C&C, I decided to show how I think C&C should be out there.
This is negative, to be honest; however, it is done with the intention of
bringing both work and writer up instead of down.
Disclaimers:
Ranma 1/2 was created by Rumiko Takahashi and is published in the United
States by Viz.
I have no legal right to use material from this series. I am doing so
strictly for my own amusement (and that of those who like this story).
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Chapter 2: Of Curses and Cures
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The few week time scale I had given him would
be needed for my exploratory teams to gather that information.
few-week. In this case, I think a hyphen is needed. Perhaps better:
simply drop the 'few week' in there.
I teleported to a blind alley a few blocks away from the Tendo dojo,
where I would be unlikely to be observed and walked the rest of the way.
Awkward sentence. A comma is needed after 'observed', I think.
Just then, an elderly man wearing wire-rim glasses knocked on the door
and stepped in. "Is it true Dr. Tofu? Can you really cure Akane's
memory?" Kasumi asked hopefully.
Elderly? As I understand it, Tofu is rather young - he physically appears
to be in his twenties or early thirties.
Once he had calmed down I told him that I was a telepath and might be
able to help.
Need a comma after 'down'.
"I think so...."
"Do you wish me to make the attempt?"
"Yes. I want to remember."
"This would be easiest if you could lie down somewhere...."
"We'll go up to my room." She led the way, and Ranma and I followed.
This will be covered in a minute or two in more detail; however, this
section especially needs some description in it. Akane's gotta be
apprehensive about this, especially as she doesn't remember what she's
supposed to remember, and this strange man is about to enter her head to
cure her. Body language needs to be conveyed here to make that mood *felt*.
When she got to her room, she sat down on her bed was about to lie down
when I stopped her. "Put your head at the other end, please, as close
to end as you can and still be comfortable."
"... as close to THE end as you can..."
"When you called Akane uncute..." no response when I did so "...I sensed
a brief response, as if it was sparking her memory. Say it again!"
This time I clearly felt Akane's memories of Ranma, and the blocks that
had been placed over them. "One more time."
"Clumsy, uncute tomboy!" Ranma almost shouted. As he did so, I struck
at those memory blocks myself. They couldn't stand up to both Akane's
unconscious attempts to break through and my deliberate attack.
A suggestion: You might want to show them repeating this process several
times more before 'curing' Akane.
"I am a telepath. How do you think I helped Akane? Once I was no
longer distracted by that, I felt your mind. Now, we should let her
sleep." I got up, put the chair back (by hand this time), and ushered
her and Ranma out of Akane's room, closing the door behind me. We all
went down stairs.
'downstairs'. A single word, when used like that.
"I take it didn't work."
Awkward. Suggestion: "It didn't work, I take it."
Okay... here's the scoop.
1. Can you say "self-insertion"? You've probably already got some flak
for this; at any rate, I think this person needs some flaws to make for an
effective character. Think about the flaws in the average person's
character; anger, ignorance, hatred, fear, callousness, depression, etc.,
and go from there. Nobody's perfect, not even a self-insert, and the main
character needs some showing of this. ^_-
To be honest, you seem young to me; most older writers tend to have a
little more understanding of the soul's shadows. Such things will come
with time and sorrow, if they haven't yet.
2. Your prose leaves a lot to be desired. It reads like a play-by-play;
there's no life or vibrancy to the work. To put it simply, you need to
describe rather than report.
In a first-person work, the goal of the prose is to let the audience get
inside the skin of the main character, to experience with all senses (if
possible) what the character is going through. Rather than the opening
scenes where you report what the character goes through to get a cure for
Ranma, describe the places he goes in search of items, the look (and musty
smell) of the library as he scans the shelves for the book (and the feel of
the leather as he pulls it out), and his fervor as he begins to study what
he has to do.
A recommendation: Go out someplace with a notebook and pen, and *describe*
what you sense. Restaurants are especially good; describing human body
language, aromatic foods, and quirky decor make for a beautiful writing
exercise. This should help with descriptions in later works.
Overall... I've seen better, I've seen worse. But there's still a long
way to go before this thing can shine.
Erik
-- Nick