Dear listmembers,
I am submitting this DRAFT fanfic for C&C.
I am especially interested in:
1) Do you like the characters? Are they entertaining and internally
consistent? (that is within the story line.)
2) Is the dialogue interesting? What parts do you like best. Do you
like the mix of comedy and drama. (did you even notice^_^)
3) Is it a GOOD READ? Did you enjoy reading it?
Please give details. I need this if I am to improve the story in
particular and my writing in general.
Thank You.
PS. I am looking for pre-readers.
Post post script: I don't know what to do about the line breaks. I'm
using corel WP and setting the margins to about 70 charaters, saving
as a .txt document. The I cut and paste. This is the result. If anyone
knows how to fix this I would be greatful. (as would the people
reading it.^_^)
Begin Chapter 5 part 1 of 2
With Friends Like These . . .
Chapter 5
Grimly Tendou Akane surveyed the field of battle.
Tightening her belt she readied her weapons; prepared in
mind, body and spirit by a lifetime of training and centuries
of warrior breeding. She would fight . . .she would win . .
.She was SAMURAI!!!!
Hefting a bag of tools and a basket of roofing tiles she
started up the ladder. How hard could it be?
************************************
". . . lan. The plan. The plantheplantheplan . . ."
Muttering under her breath Kuonji Ukyou stalked . . .well,
squelched . . .toward the Tendou compound through the
storm soaked streets. Each soggy, cold step fueling her rage
at that . . .that . . .that Akane!! Not being able to find a
metaphor vile, revolting and despicable enough to describe
Akane served to heap coals on the fire of her anger. Akane
had humiliated her . . .taken away her pride. Worse, by
helping her Akane had placed a dept of honor on Ukyou that
she might not be able to pay back for years, or ever. Often
such a debt could only be repaid in blood.
"No . . .don't do that. STOP. Oh pleasepleaseplease.
Ahhhhhhhh! Nononononono!"
The frantic voice jerked Ukyou out of her introspection to
discover she had made her way from the Nekohaten to the
gates of the Tendou Doujou with absolutely no memory of
the intervening steps.
"AAAAAAAA!"
WHAAAAAM
"Get IN there! Nonononono. NOT THERE. . .
OVER THERE!"
Reflexively Ukyou snapped her spatula into guard position
and edged her way into the compound.
"Haaiiiiiiiii"
WHAAAAAAM!!!
Three paces. That was as far as she got. Forty two
kilograms of unglazed roofing tile smashed down; a spray of
stone chips slicing her face like tiny stone wasps.
Four paces and her skull would have been crushed like a
rotten plum.
Two paces and she would have been too far away . . .
A small dark figure whizzed through the air like a broken
winged sparrow. Without conscious thought Ukuyou's
spatula dropped to the ground and her arms snapped out to
catch . . .
"Ukuyo!!! HI!"
"What . . ." Ukuyo gasped from her position
underneath Akane. "are you DOING??"
"Fixing the roof." Akane looked around at the Dojo
grounds, littered with broken tools and smashed tiles.
"Ummm, but I think I may be doing something wrong."
Brow wrinkling in thought Akane looked the yard. "Do you
think I should put up a sign telling people to use the other
gate?"
Fuck the plan. She was going to kill Akane . . .just as soon as
she got some feeling back into her legs.
***********************************************
"All right . . .now try it."
"Ummmph. IT . . .WONT . . .ummmph . . .FIT!!"
"Dammit . . .it's got to fit."
"Alright . . .YOU try . . ."
"What do?"
"AAAAAAAAAA!" Ukyou levitated straight up as
the unexpected voice spoke in her ear.
"Do . .do . .don't DO that!" Ukyou clutched her
chest. First her roof had fallen in . . then Akane had fallen on
. . .and now . . .Ukyou was feeling very stressed.
"Sorry." Shan Pu did not sound in the least sorry. An
uncharitable soul might even have suspected a glint of
laughter in those beautiful Chinese eyes. "What do?" She
repeated.
"We're fixing the roof." Akane explained, waving a
hand at what resembled ground zero of an
A-bomb test in a rock quarry. "But I think these tiles are
defective. Look." Akane picked a tile at random from a
basket. Ukyou watched as, in a pattern that had recently
become familiar Akane replaced a damaged roof tile. Or
attempted to replace . . .for, as had also become familiar the
tile would . . .almost fit . . .almost, but not quite. Leaving a
slight gap, a gap that spread and became more pronounced
as more tiles were laid. Akane grunted and shoved her
chosen tile slid into place . . .and two more moved out of
position. Gritting her teeth Akane planted a foot on the two
maverick tiles holding them in place, grabbed a third and
SHOVED! For a brief instant it seemed she would
succeed . . .the instant passed as all three tiles vanished in an
explosion of stone chips and dust.
Coughing and spitting stone dust Shan Pu stumbled from the
cloud to find Ukuyo cowering behind an eve of the roof and
Akane . .Akane . . .
"Akane? Where go, Akane?"
"Righ . . .ummmph . . .right here . . ."
Rapidly Shan Pu scanned the empty roof top, searching
for . . ."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Something grabbed her
ankle. Spitting and snarling like a scalded . . .cat . . .Shan Pu
levitated(beating Ukyou's personal best by a good 300 cm.)
Gasping and clutching her chest Shan Pu fell back beside the
recovering Ukyou.
"Can we kill her now?" Ukyou hissed.
Shan Pu shot Ukyou a quelling look, then moved over to the
edge of the roof. There, dangling by the strap of her cover-all
Akane swung gently in the breeze. Giving a small mew of
disgust Shan Pu reached down and dragged Akane back onto
the roof.
"Oh, HI Shan Pu."
"You stupid girl." Shan Pu included Ukyou in her
assessment. "All Japanese stupid. Not smart like Chinese . "
Shan Pu produced a 50kg iron war-hammer. ". . .not subtle
like Amazon." Ukyou had a moment to see the kanji for
'sweet dreams' embossed on the front. "No use force. . . ."
Shan Pu placed a tile in position. "Get bigger hammer . . ."
************************************************
" . . .not working you stupid . . .'
"Who you call stupid?"
"YOU that's who. Any moron could see . . ."
"Ukyou need glasses because she not see . . ."
"I know where grandfather Happossai keeps his . . ."
"NO!!" Two voices sounded as one.
"Well . . .I was just trying to help." Akane looked
miffed.
"Akane help more . . .we all end up dead."
"HEY!" Akane stomped up to Shan Pu and stood
nose to . . .errr . . .nose with the big Amazon. "Greasing the
tiles to make them fit was a GOOD idea. It's not my fault . .
.the package didn't say anything about . . .it was just a
LITTLE fire." Shan Pu glared silently.
"Besides . . .it won't take any time for your eyebrows
to grow back." Akane finished righteously. "I'm going to go
get some more tiles. We've used all these up already."
"Can we kill her NOW?" Ukyou edged from behind
Shan Pu, sourly fingering the scorched ends of her pony tail.
"NO! We wait."
"Wait . . .for her to kill US?"
"Stupid spatula girl need learn . . ."
Ukyou's education was interrupted as Akane reappeared at
the top of the ladder with a look of grim determination and a
large roll of . . .
"Ayiiii." Shan Pu's soft, frightened cry brought
Ukyou spinning sharply around. Her eyes widened as she
saw Akane and . . .
"Be afraid . . .be very afraid." Ukyou whispered.
************************************************
Ahhhhh, It was a glorious day. Of course any day with Kuno
Kodachi was perforce glorious and blessed. The Black Rose
glided through the streets of Nerimia with a song in her heart
and a knife in her hands. The song was for her beloved
Ranmasama (written and composed by the incomparable
Black Rose to celebrate his triumphant homecoming); the
knife was from breakfast. She'd been having toast and jam
when thoughts of her magnificent, darling Ranma (broad
chest, muscled thighs . . .sighhhh)sama had driven mundane
matters from her brain. The sheer beauty of the moment had
driven her to the streets to share some small measure of her
delight with the poor bleak peasantry.
If only it hadn't been . . .strawberry jam . . .RED . . .RED
jam that dripped from the knife like . . .well like what most
people expected to drip from any sharp instrument in the
hands of Kuno Kodachi.
The peasantry were keeping a respectful distance . . .for
once. However at such a remove they could not appreciate
the full subtlety of the lyrics the mastery of each note, the
dulcet tones of her highly trained voice. Briefly Kodachi
contemplated chasing one or two of the wretches down . .
As she absently licked the knife clean of jam she noticed the
streets were strangely deserted (some quaint peasant
holiday?) save for one elderly peasant who seemed
transfixed. Removing the last dollop of sweetness from the
knife with the delicate tip of her tongue the Black Rose took
a single leisurely pace toward the man . . .who dropped
bonelessly to the ground before she could take a second.
Doubtless overcome at the thought of actually meeting the
goddess of Nerima , Kodachi thought charitably. However,
the wretch should have fallen FACE DOWN (to show
proper respect.) She made a mental note to have him flogged
and his family deported to some wasteland . . .perhaps
Shikoku . . .as warning. Huffing in annoyance Kodachi bent
her considerable mental skill to the task of finding someone
with whom to share her joyous composition. Her magnificent
paean to the magnificence that was Ranma(deep chest . .
.warm hands . . .large . . .) "Wheeeeeeeeee." Twirling in
huge tumbling leaps and rolls Kodachi sped, laughing, down
the street toward the person who (little though she deserved
it) Kodachi decided to share this wonderful treat. It was only
just. After all, each condemned was entitled to a last wish.
And certainly Ak . . .that person could have no greater last
wish than Kodachi's song.
************************************************
"Snow capped Fuji , cherry blossoms in winter ;how
heavy is my heart without the sun of my darling Ranm . . ."
Kodachi's joyful tune ended with a thud on the roof of the
Tendou dojo. At a glance she saw Shan Pu, using a fragment
of broken glass as a mirror as she tried to draw new
eyebrows with a piece of charcoal; Ukyou muttering what
sounded like incantations to some pagan god as she mixed
concrete and okonomyaki batter; Akane wrestling with a
large roll of duct tape. The duct tape was winning.
"My dear Akanechan . . .whatever are you doing?"
"Mrphhh. Mfxngrllggg nnt llsl nnt ittt. Nnn ryyynnn t
. . .EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
Kodachi removed the tape with one smooth pull.
"Why do that?" Shan Pu asked sadly. "Was nice and
quiet. Now get all noisy again." Shaking her head at human
folly she squinted into the improvised mirror and made a
minor adjustment to her new left eyebrow. Ukyou grunted
sourly but didn't look up from her savage mixing.
"We were trying to fix the roof, but these tiles are
defective." Akane glared at the overturned basket that still
held a few intact pieces left from her last assault on the roof.
"Shan Pu and Ukyou were trying to help . . ."Akane's voice
dropped to a conspiratorial whisper "but I don't think they
know much about . . ."
"Shan Pu Amazon warrior . . .want help around
house should get man."
Ukyou only grunted something that might have been a reply
or simply gas.
"I don't understand it. How could they have sent us a
whole truckload of defective . . .I've got a good mind to call
those people up and . . ." Akane's outraged voice ended with
a squeak as Kodachi calmly toed a tile out of the basket and
flipped it into position. In rapid fire six more tiles sped from
the basket to land on the roof . . .forming a perfectly
seamless mosaic.
"How DO that?"
"That . . .that's amazing."
Ukyou stalked over from her mixing . . .looked at the
perfectly laid tiles . . .looked at Kodachi . . .looked at the
tiles . . .looked at her torn spattered clothes . . .looked at
Kodachi . . .looked at a glob of cement drip form the end of
her pony tail . . .
"I hate you."
"It's perfectly simple . . ."
Ukyou looked at Kodachi with the madness of the tool-
impaired trapped in a hardware store.
"How about I simply . . ."
Akane snatched the cement crusted spatula from Ukyou and
turned to Kodachi.
"Ummm . . .you were saying?"
"It's perfectly simple . . .your problem is that these . .
." She indicated the tiles. "Are LEFT gable tiles, while this is
the right gable."
All three girls stared at Kodachi.
"Tiles got right and LEFT sides . . .A roof has a right
side and a LEFT . . ." Ukyou was trembling from some great
emotion. "So . . .all this . . .all this . . ." She waved a hand at
the shattered tiles . . .the cement and okonomyaki spattered
roof (and girls) the burnt wood and stone, the . . the . . .
"All . . .for nothing?"
Kodachi looked Ukyou straight in the eye.
"Yes."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
************************************************
". . . this is a ???"
"Oh . .I know, I Know . . .It's a ridge!"
"Almost . . .it's a ridge END. See the cap?"
"Oh yeah." Akane grinned sheepishly.
"How ribbon girl know so much about fix roof?"
"A true Samurai." Kodachi explained grandly "must
understand all the duties of the lower orders. How else may
one know when to punish them for their failure?"
"That . . .that almost makes sense." Ukyou pressed a
hand to her aching temples. "I think I've been working too
hard."
"I'll go make some snacks!"
A snowflake slamming into a bag of marshmallows would
have thundered in the silence that followed Akane's innocent
announcement.
"That . . .would be nice."
"Indeed, some refreshment would be quite welcome."
"Shan Pu so hungry she could eat . . ."
"Stop it."
"What?"
"You don't have to pretend anymore . . ."
Ukyou felt the bottom drop out of her stomach."
" . . . pretend to be my friend . . .to like me. I know .
. ."
"What Akane know?"
"Ranma . . ."
Time slowed to a crawl for Ukyou. . .even as her thoughts
sped up . . .plunging through her brain like mad, blind rats
racing through a burning maze.
Akane knew . . .she knew . . .what? That they were
pretending to be her friend? Planning murder? Ukyou fixed
on Akane, so calm, assured . . .how could she be so calm?
Standing surrounded by three girls who wanted to kill her,
standing all alone . . .
ALONE? What if she wasn't alone. Ukyou's throat closed
up . . .it was hard to breath. A cold sweat covered her body.
This big old house could hide a squad . . .a company of
police . . .or one martial artist. She could see Ranma
now . . .eyes glaring with . . .hate? Contempt? . . .Pity?
Ukyou shuddered . . .no . .no . . no. She could run . . .run
where? She couldn't go home . . .doubly disgraced she could
never . . .mother, father, Ranma, . . .all gone. Fight . . .fight
Ranma? Ridiculous . . .impossible. Better to slit her belly . .
.or jump from the roof with a dagger in her mouth. That was
traditional. No dagger . . .but her spatula's were keen and
bright. The roof high. Fight . . .Kodachi . . . Fight Shan Pu . .
.Fight . . See Ranchan . . .see . . .how brave . . .how strong I
am. It was an act Ranchan . . .all an act . . .
" . . .on't know where Ranma is."
Ukyou took a deep shuddering breath that washed away the
black spots that had been forming in front of her eyes.
" You think we pretend friend . . .find out where is
husband?"
She . . .she didn't know. A giddy bubble of relief well up
inside Ukyou. Akane didn't know . . .Ukyou wanted to
jump, dance . . .laugh. Distantly came the thought that
perhaps Kodachi felt like this . . . laughing so she didn't
scream.
"See . . .Ukyou laugh out loud at this. We no need to
find husband. He come home soon. Why get tired, dirty
looking. Better we stay home, make things nice for him
coming back."
"It is sad indeed that you think so little of . . .us.
Perhaps you would feel more comfortable if we were to
cease our calligraphy lessons and . . ."
"Heheheheheheh." Ukuyou couldn't stop giggling.
She could only point, gasping, at Akane. It was this laughter
that seemed to convince Akane.
"I . . I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so suspicious. Please
forgive me." Akane looked down at her toes, embarressed.
"I'll go make those snacks now."
"Better should clean up first.
"Yes . . .by all means. A bath would be most
refreshing after this dusty work."
"OH . . .I'm sorry." Akane was genuinely dismayed.
"I'll start the furo heating right away." Akane scampered
down the ladder leaving the three girls alone.
"What are you doing here, Kodachi?"
"Doing? Why visiting my good friend Tendou
Akanechan."
"Save manure for roses, ribbon girl . . .tell why really
here. Are among friends." Shan Pu's smile could only have
been described as friendly among certain tribes of head
hunters or at a gathering composed of lawyers or preachers
wives.
"Are you calling me a liar?"
"Yes."
Ukyou was amazed at the first genuine smile she'd ever seen
on the Black Rose's face.
"As long as we understand each other." Kodachi
murmured. "I thought it prudent to discover what
the . . voice' is really up to. And for a moment . . ."
" . . .look like trap shut on us . . . or maybe just testing
trap . . .see if catch all rat."
"Would somebody" Ukyou looked back and forth
between the Amazon and the Black Rose. "Mind telling me
WHAT you are talking about?"
Kodachi gave Ukyou a look that made her feel about five
years old. Shan Pu curled her lip but decided to answer.
"We here deciding . . .Is safe to talk?" Shan Pu
directed this to Kodachi.
"Of course. There are no camera's or microphones
any where."
"Maybe you miss some?" Shan Pu held up a hand
from which dangled a fist full of tiny wires and printed
circuits.
"None except for my own, I meant to say." Kodachi
looked disgruntled. "Prudence dictates that one should
espy the enemy to discern their intentions and capabilities."
"Should also find out what they want."
Kodachi shot Shan Pu a darkling look, but the bland face of
the big Amazon gave no hint if she were jesting or not.
"As you say . . .still I think we know no more now than
we did before."
"In about a minute I'm gonna' get really mad if
someone doesn't tell me what . . ."
"Don't curdle liver spatula girl."
Ukyou ground her teeth but held her temper with an effort.
Despite her words she knew she would fare poorly in a fight
with Shan Pu.
"Shan Pu have many questions."
Ukyou was startled, then realized she was getting an answer to
HER question.
"Why creepy voice want kill Akane? Why want help?
Why want US to help? Many possible answer. Maybe no want
kill Akane . . .maybe trap. Get us try kill Akane . . .then
surprise!! Find big trouble . . police . . .camera . . .Ranma!"
Ukyou gulped , remembering that terrifying time just minutes
ago.
"Or maybe want Akane dead . . .us too. More better
get us all one place kill all at one time. No have to run after. Or
maybe trap after Akane dead. Police, Ranma find out who kill
Akane. Then all gone, Shan Pu, Ukyou, Kodachi all gone."
"What do you mean 'all gone'?"
Shan Pu smiled grimly.
"Great Grand-mother I-Ching master. Ask book of
changes many question . . .always get answer. Always. When
Shan Pu arrive, she say 'Obstacles are for killing.' Akane
obstacle, keep husband away from wife."
Ukyou thought she could hear Kodachi's teeth grinding at that
statement. It was hard to hear over the sound of her rear
molars interpenetrating.
"Great-grandmother ask book what do? How, when
best kill Akane." Shan Pu snorted in remembrance. "Book say
better Shan Pu throw self naked in pit starving rat, angry
scorpion."
Ukou shuddered at the image.
"But . . .who would want to kill us and why?"
"Shan Pu liking answer to that question also. Akane
say we no pretend anymore . . .Shan Pu think heart stop. At
first also think have answer. This trap, get rid of Shan Pu, all
others. But nothing happen."
"Then . . .it's NOT a trap?"
"Maybe yes, maybe no." Shan Pu's answers were
making Ukyou dizzy. "Maybe trap but waiting for something .
. .maybe waiting for actually try kill . . .then . . ." Shan Pu
drew a finger across her throat in a slashing motion.
"But, there's no death penalty . . . I mean if it was just
an attempt the police wouldn't . . .we could say it was just a
joke!" Ukou's voice rose a little at the last.
"Husband maybe not think so funny. And lost boy
HAVE no sense humor. Anyway . . .not good find out who no
can take joke until after village become large hole in ground.
Also, Amazon know many technique peel skin, muscle, bone . .
.leave person alive long time . . .not WANT live but still live
long time. Husband best martial artist in world. Learn very
quick. Not wanting him learn these technique. Not wanting
find out how long Shan Pu live no skin."
"The water's hottttt!"
The cry from below startled Shan Pu out of her reverie.
"Good to take bath. Get clean."
************************************************
"Ohhhh . . .this feels greaaaat!" Ukyou sighed in
pleasure as the hot water sluiced the grime and muck of the
days work off her skin and hair. She tried to use the sensuous
feel of the warm soapy water to distract herself from being
naked in front of the others. Ukou was no more body
conscious that most modern Japanese . . .it just seemed . .
.wrong somehow to share a bath with someone you were
planning to kill. There ought to be rules about this sort of
thing; always wear navy blue to a winter murder; Sallade forks
and arsenic on the left; never take a bath with someone you're
going to kill, stuff like that.
"Here , you want me to get your hair?"
Ukyou jumped at the voice in her ear and tried not to cringe as
Akane's strong fingers gently worked shampoo into her scalp.
"Ohhh.You get special treament." Shan Pu teased.
"Shan Pu have to fight get such number one service."
Akane grinned and playfully threw a blob of suds at Shan Pu.
Ukyou felt her gorge rise. This wasn't right. You weren't
supposed to crack jokes or throw bubbles or . . .a groan of
near orgasmic pleasure forced itself from her throat as Akane's
fingers worked a particularly sensitive spot on her scalp.
"Is good? Akane best at washing hair."
With a guilty groan Ukyou tried to jerk away.. She shouldn't
be ENJOYING this. Not when . . .not when . . .
Mistaking Ukyou's groan for one of pain Akane gently pulled
Ukyou back onto her lap and began massaging her shoulders.
"Boy . . .your shoulders are like iron . . .I bet you did
too much."
Ukyou wanted to protest, but Akane's nimble fingers magically
stole her strength reducing her to a warm puddle of
whimpering goo.
"You do good work. Can tell Ukyou feel much better
now. You let Shan Pu wash Akane hair. OK?"
"That's not neces . . ."
"No problem for Shan Pu do Akane hair."
As she spoke Shan Pu's fingers tangled in Akane's hair.
"Thank's Shan . . ."
Akane stiffened then toppled back into Shan Pu's lap like a
broken doll.
End chapter 5 part 1 of 2
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