WHAT HAS GONE BEFORE:
In Part One, while on a trip to China, the gang from
Tomobiki High School stumbled across the Legendary
Training Grounds of Cursed Springs, Jusenkyou. Ataru
and Lum both fell into the Spring of Drowned Girl.
Shinobu fell into the Spring of Drowned Oni. Thus, a new
element of craziness enters their lives.
In Part Two, Ryouga Hibiki wanders into Tomobiki and
meets them. While helping fight off Toshiba Mitoshi,
Truant Officer, he tells them what he knows about the
curses. Shinobu is attracted to him and is impressed by
his martial prowess. He suggests that she study at the
Tendo Dojo.
In Part Three, everyone travels to Nerima, where the
Dojo is located. The major characters of both casts
meet and compare notes. Akane learns a new technique,
that of the Distant Touch (tho it's more like punches
where she is concerned. :) and uses it to defeat Ranma in
a contest of skill. Conceding, Ranma agrees to eat her
lunches for a week. Ataru and Lum have a side wager,
which forces Ataru to do without other women for a
month.
In Part Four, Shinobu and Akane arrange to have their
resident cross-dressers, Ryunnosuke and Tsubasa, go out
on a date, a date which quickly grows to include Shinobu
and Ryouga, and Ranma and Akane. To get money for the
date, Ranma is forced to borrow from Nabiki, who wants
him to arrange a meeting with Mendo in return. Ukyou
follows them on their date, hoping that if it goes well,
she will not have to deal with Tsubasa any longer. When
the paths of the daters cross that of Ataru and Lum,
chaos ensues.
In Part Five, Nabiki's plans to get a date with Mendo
pay off, but the gala turns into the usual disaster as
everyone and their cat (Shampoo) shows up and turns the
event into a catastrophe (not too suprising), including
Tatewaki vs. Mendo in mortal combat, Kodachi vs. Ryoko
in verbal combat, and Ataru vs. every female he can
glomp. A misencounter between him and Shampoo leads
to Lum zapping Shampoo unconscious. And we all know
what happens when an 'outsider woman' defeats an
Amazon in combat...But for the moment that hasn't
exploded, yet. Just about everything else explodes,
especially the Furinkan High School Festival, by the end
of this episode...
And now for our Feature Story.
[We see the ususal scene of chaos at Tomobiki High,
although it is on the track field instead of the classroom
for once. The opening tableux consists of:
Ataru glomping Ryuunosuke
Ryuunosuke beating Ataru in the head
Shinobu shaking her head in disgust
The Gang of Four (Megane and his goons) lifting javelins
and preparing to hurl them
Coach Mitsubo (a fat middle-aged slob who looks like the
only sport he is qualified to teach is Olympic TV
Watching) getting out of the way because he knows what
comes next and has no suicidal impulses (if consuming
enough fat and oil to meet the nutritional needs of all of
Africa doesn't count)
Mendo waving his sword and threatening Ataru
A strange looking fishman wearing a bubblehelmet doing
the shotput in the background
And of course, Lum hovering in the air and preparing to
hurl lightning]
Lum: Darling! Once again, you GO TOO FAR!
Ataru: Hey, I haven't even gotten to third base yet!
Ryuunosuke: Because you're FOULING OUT! [elbows him in
the head]
Lum: DIVINE! [*Splash!* A wave of water washes over
her] Ack. [*Thud!* Lum, now transformed into a human,
slams into the ground] Owwww!!!
[Before anyone can react a purple and blue streak zooms
across the field, scoops up Lum, and sprints off towards
the school]
Megane: A foul beast has kidnapped Lum! We must find
the slimeball and DESTROY HIM!
Perm: DEATH TO THE INFIDEL!
Coach Mitsubo: [staring after the purple and blue streak]
The first person who catches whoever did that and brings
him or who to me gets an A for this six weeks! I want
this person for the track team!
Shinobu: [frowning] I think I've seen that person
somewhere.
Mendo: [draws his sword] Someone has kidnapped Lum!
They must DIE! [He charges off with the Gang of Four and
the rest of the men in the class]
Ataru: [to Ryuunosuke] Looks like it's just you and me,
baby!
Ryuunosuke: And all the other women in the class.
[Ataru looks around and sees Shinobu and the other
women in the class closing in, cracking their knuckles in
unison]
Ataru: [lets go and runs off after the retreating men]
Wait for me! I'm the Class President! I declare war! I'm
the commander in chief...HELP ME!!!!!
[Up in the clock tower, the streak finally stops; it is
Shampoo with a bow slung over her shoulder, two bonbori
hanging from her belt, and Lum slung over the other
shoulder. She quickly whips out some rope (from
Amazonspace, perhaps), and ties Lum to the bell clapper]
Human Lum: You can't do this to me!
Shampoo: Oh yes, Shampoo should do this first. [leans
inside the bell and kisses Lum, whose eyes widen]
Shampoo hereby gives you the kiss of death.
Human Lum: But...but...why?
Shampoo: Lum defeated Shampoo in combat, so Amazon
law requires Shampoo kill you.
Human Lum: That's ridiculous!
Shampoo: [busy fiddling with the automatic bell
mechanism] More ridiculous than having to conquer the
Earth if Ataru hadn't beaten you at tag?
Human Lum: That is a long and honorable Oni tradition!
Shampoo: Plundering and destroying an entire planet
because people who can't fly lose a game of tag with a
woman who flies is honorable?
Human Lum: [desperately] We would only have enslaved
them!
Shampoo: Shampoo SO reassured. [steps away from the
mechanism] Shampoo give you one minute to pray to your
gods. Then Shampoo ring you to death.
Human Lum: [hears footsteps on the stairs] If I survive
this, I'm going to have your village destroyed!
Shampoo: And if your husband didn't look like a monkey,
he might get a woman to go out with him. Shampoo
thinks your husband is the son of the Monkey King.
Shampoo also wonder if his butt turns red when he's in
heat. Although even Monkey King isn't in heat all day,
every day.
Human Lum: [turning red with rage] I WILL GET YOU FOR
THIS!
[Several dozen men try to charge in the door and get
stuck. The doorway shakes]
Megane: Lum-chan! I'm coming!
Mendo: If I ever get out of this doorway, I'll chop you to
bits!
Shampoo: [takes a bonbori in each hand] Time for
Shampoo to take out the garbage. [She precedes to
clobber her way through the entire class. About two
minutes later, they're all unconscious] Now, Shampoo
will pull lever and...
[Ataru charges in and glomps Shampoo]
Ataru: What a babe! And...[feels Shampoo's left breast]
No bra! My kind of woman! I can see your nipples too
through the cloth!
Shampoo: [brings down a bonbori with one hand, but
Ataru blocks it by catching it from the sides with his
hands] What?
Ataru: Hey, no need to get violent! I'll be happy to go
back to your place with you. Or do you Amazons have to
drag your man there by his hair?
Shampoo: Amazons KILL men like you! [brings down the
other bonbori on his head. He doesn't even notice] ...
Human Lum: Darling has the thickest head in the
universe. Darling, help me! She's got me tied up.
Ataru: [drools] So you're into lesbian bondage?
Shampoo: Shampoo never buy bonds from lesbians!
Shampoo prefers mutual funds.
Ataru: ...
Human Lum: ...
Shampoo: Shampoo not understand that joke when Nabiki
make it either. She feels a little better now.
Ataru: [looks over at the lever Shampoo has rigged up]
Hey, what does this do?
Shampoo: [smiles] It takes off Shampoo's clothing.
Human Lum: Darling! She's lying!
Ataru: [looks back and forth warily] Hmm.
Shampoo: She's right. Actually, it destroys all clothing
worn by women in a five mile radius.
Ataru: OH YEAH! [pulls the lever. The bell begins to ring.
However, Shampoo tied Lum to the wrong side of the
clapper, and so it strikes the bell to her right and to her
left, but doesn't slam her face forward into the bell. Lum
is frazzled, but not injured] Hey! You've still got
clothing.
Shampoo: Just close your eyes for a few seconds. You're
seeing afterimages of Shampoo's clothing from staring at
it so hard.
Ataru: [closes his eyes] How soon do I open them?
Shampoo: [picks up Ataru, carries him to the window,
and punts him off into the distance] Use your discretion!
[turns back to Lum, only to see Sakura, Shinobu,
Ryuunosuke, and fifteen angry schoolgirls armed with
javelins and shotputs] ...
Shinobu: If you'd just beaten up Ataru, we wouldn't mind,
but I'm afraid women have to stick together.
Shampoo: Shampoo understands completely. Shampoo not
want to give you all kiss of death, so Shampoo will leave
now.
Human Lum: GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Shampoo: [runs to the window, leaps out, and streaks
off across the school grounds] Shampoo going to need
help for this one.
[Shinobu wrecks the bell mechanism; Sakura unties Lum
and pours hot water on her]
Lum: This means WAR!!!!!!
***************
Because Sean Gaffney Demanded It, We Proudly Present:
Part 6:
"ID6: Insanity Day"
Still Waters Run Deep
A UY/Ranma fanfic
using material from the wonderfully warped mind of
Takahashi Rumiko. This episode also draws upon the
equally warped mind of Phil Foglio.
by John Biles
"Questions of Love"
by John Biles
the UY/Ranma Theme song...
Lum: Why do you flee from my love?
I only want to give it to you.
Life is too short to live it alone
Why be one and one when we can be two?
Ataru: Why do I run from your love?
I wish I had an answer for you.
The secrets of my heart are my own.
Maybe one day, we two ones shall be two.
Akane: Why do we do what we do?
Why do we say what we say?
Why are we always so cruel to each other?
Why do we fight every day?
Ranma: I know why we do what we do,
The reason that we say what we say.
As long as we hide what we really feel,
We may go on forever this way.
All: Why do we hide from love?
Why can't I say I love you?
We may go on fighting each other
Until the day one and one become two.
****************************
[We see Lum kneeling before her father, Invader]
Lum: Can I borrow the Death Star, pretty please?
Invader: No.
Lum: But this Amazon woman insulted me!
Invader: I won't vaporize an entire planet just to kill one
person.
Lum: I wasn't going to blow up the entire planet! Just a
little pinpoint targeting and...
Invader: [laughs] Using the Death Star on one person is
like trying to kill just one fly with an atom bomb. The
shots are a mile wide, you know.
Lum: I don't mind if it takes out the entire Amazon
village.
Invader: Usually resulting in the planet cracking open
and everyone on it dying horribly.
Lum: What's a few...
Invader: Such as your husband to be. And all your friends
there.
Lum: [jumps up and down] I can't let her get away with
this!
Invader: [sighs] Just challenge her to a duel.
Lum: That's no fun.
Invader: We said we wouldn't make war on that planet.
So we won't. And that's that.
Lum: [turns to go] Okay. [sighs]
Invader: And if I find even ONE Nega-Bomb missing...
Lum: [looking innocent] Who, me?
Invader: Don't even think about it.
Lum: Okay, Dad. [walks off grumbling]
************
[It's a typical day at the Tendo Dojo. Soun is working
with Shinobu, teaching her a kata, while Akane is
breaking books. Ranma and Ryouga are sparring in a steel
cage]
Ranma: [complaining] How are we supposed to move
around and fight creatively in a steel cage? I can't knock
Ryouga through the walls or nothing.
Akane: Now you get the idea. [grins and pokes Ranma
from a distance. He yelps] Doesn't stop the Distance
Touch, though.
Ranma: Cheater! [looks over at the books] Ran out of
bricks?
Akane: I needed something tougher but not very valuable.
So I plucked these copies of 'Dianetics' out of a garbage
dump. [pages through one of them] Page 54--What to do
when you stuff a weasel up your nose. [laughs, puts it
down]
Ryouga: ...
Soun: Actually, the bit about weasels is on page 83.
[Everyone stares at him; he blushes] Not that I bought
five copies just to get the salesman to go away or
anything. And I only bought ten copies of the
Watchtower. [everyone still stares] Hey, I turned down
the guy selling napkins used by Elvis! [goes in the corner
and pouts]
[The wall suddenly crashes open and a battered, bandage
covered Shampoo falls to the ground. She begins to crawl
towards Ranma, smoke rising from her body]
Shampoo: Ranma...help Shampoo...
Ranma: [tries to run over, crashes into the cage walls
and falls down] What happened to you, Shampoo?
Shinobu: [frowns] Looks like Lum got even for the
belltower incident.
Soun: What, Shampoo was the one who shot all those
people?
[Everyone stares at him and he goes and pouts again]
Shinobu: Shampoo gave Lum the kiss of death for zapping
her at Mendo's party.
Ranma: [sighs] Great. Now, she's gonna try and kill Lum.
Ryouga: Looks like Lum can take care of herself.
Akane: [who has run over to Shampoo and helps her up]
You could give her a little sympathy, you know! She looks
pretty hurt!
Shampoo: [blinks] Thank you, Tomboy. Shampoo get
zapped fifty times, then Lum throw Shampoo down a
well. Mousse drag Shampoo out, but then Lum put
Mousse-duck in cage. She say Mousse-duck go well with
broccoli and womdrej. Then Ten breathe fire on wet
Shampoo-kitty, turn Shampoo back to normal with
steambath, but now Shampoo on fire. Shampoo stop,
drop, roll, and scream. Shampoo run 'til Shampoo get
here.
Akane: [eyes widen] That's awful!
Shinobu: Onis wreck horrible vengeances on people. But
all that...just for tying Lum to the bell clapper and
ringing the bell...I mean, I like horrible vengeance myself,
but there is such a thing as overdoing it.
Ranma: Like Ryouga does all the time. [winces for the
anticipated blow, but nothing happens] Ryouga? [turns
and looks, but Ryouga is gone] Geez.
[Far away, we see a wrestling ring, surrounded by
thousands of fans]
Announcer: And tonight, it's going to be a CAGE match
between Stone Cold Steve Austin and...wait, that's not
the Undertaker! Someone's slipped in a ringer!
[Spotlight focuses on the cage, a good ten feet in the air
over the arena. Stone Cold Steve Austin, a huge bald man,
stands in one end of the cage, while a confused looking
Ryouga stands on the other side as it sways]
Stone Cold Steve Austin: So the Undertaker's too
cowardly to face me, eh? Well, I guess I'm just gonna
have to cite my favorite verse...
Ryouga: Hey, this isn't the bathroom!
************
[We see Shampoo hobbling around the Nekohanten.
Ranma-chan is helping her serve tables]
Shampoo: Thank you, airen.
Ranma-chan: No problem. I had to carry you home
anyway. Even though I wish the old bag hadn't put me in
this stupid waitress outfit, but...
[The entry curtain parts and Ran walks in. She is short
with wavy red hair, wearing a nice green dress]
Ran: [looks around and spots Shampoo] Ah, there you are!
[runs over to her] I understand you have a problem with
Lum.
Shampoo: Shampoo give Lum kiss of death, but Lum
nearly give Shampoo zap of death.
Ran: [smiles] I think we have something in common...we
both want to kill Lum. This could be the beginning of a
beautiful friendship.
Ranma-chan: [thinking] I gotta baaaad feeling about this.
************
[We see Ranma-chan and Akane in a pet store. Ranma-
chan is still in the waitress outfit]
Ranma-chan: I think Shampoo and Ran are going to do
something crazy.
Akane: [shrugs] If it keeps them out of my hair, then
they can do all the crazy stuff they want.
Ranma-chan: Why are we here, anyway? You already got
a pet pig. One stupid, rude, violent pet is enough.
Akane: [as she looks at a row of cages with dogs and
cats] You shouldn't talk about yourself like that.
Ranma-chan: WHAT?
Akane: One stupid, rude, violent pet, namely you. One
lazy and worthless one, namely your father. And then
there's P-chan, but he runs off so much I decided to get
one who wouldn't do that.
Ranma-chan: I am not stupid, rude, and violent! You're
the rude, ugly tomboy!
Akane: [too focused to notice] Whatever.
Ranma-chan: What do you mean WHATEVER? Pay
attention when I'm...
Voice from a cage: Hi! [tail waggling noises can be
heard]
Akane: [looks down at the cage. It contains a green
lizard like creature with a huge snout, stubby legs, big
eyes, and a pleasant smile] Oooh, this thing is cute. I
wonder what it is.
Shopkeeper: [the man from the Phoenix Egg story] It's
the Winslow.
Ranma-chan: [sighs] Not you again. This ain't like the
Phoenix Egg, is it?
Shopkeeper: No. If you put it on your head, it will
eventually fall off, but that's all. It's stupid, and it
serves no purpose, but it can mimic voices like a parrot,
it's friendly, and it doesn't eat much. Also, it's
worshipped by thousands of alien races. And it's only
500 yen.
Ranma: But does it turn into a huge angry bird if you put
it on your head?
Shopkeeper: Why would you put it on your head?
Ranma: Just wanted to be sure.
Shopkeeper: It's a LIZARD. Lizards don't turn into birds.
Not in one generation.
Akane: [kneels by the cage] Hi there!
Winslow: [waggles its tail] Hi there!
Akane: [smiles] It's cute!
Winslow: Cute!
Ranma-chan: This thing is gonna be trouble.
Akane: You're just jealous because it likes me, Ranma.
Ranma-chan: It just repeats what you say to it.
Akane: [stands up] I'll buy it.
Ranma-chan: [kneels and stares at it, whispers] If you
turn out to be someone I know, I'm going to kill you.
Winslow: [waggles its tail and grins moronically] Kill
you!
Akane: Ranma, stop threatening it!
Ranma-chan: Hey, I didn't say nothing!
Akane: Ranma no baka!
Winslow: [loudly] Ranma no baka!
Akane: I think I'm going to like you.
************
[Dinner time at the Moroboshi household. Everyone is
wolfing down rice and pickled vegetables with fish
slivers]
Ten: This is great!
Mrs. Moroboshi: [blushes] Thank you, Ten.
Lum: I'd like some more, please. [holds out her bowl]
[As Mrs. Moroboshi goes to the kitchen, we see the floor
carpet bulge in several places. By the time she is back,
the floor is seething like the surface of a waterbed that
has been struck]
Lum: Hey, what's...
Ataru: Ahh, it's FREDDY! HE'S GOING TO BURST UP
THROUGH THE FLOOR!!!!
Mr. Moroboshi: [reading the newspaper] Tell him I said
hello.
Ten: Cool. I bet he kills the people who can't fly first.
[The carpet ruptures. It isn't Freddy; it's a mutant cross
breeding of kudzu with green beans, pinto beans, lima
beans, army beans, navy beans, merchant marine beans,
old beans, Rowan Atkinson, and whatever the stuff on a
chia pet is. In seconds, tendrils of kudzu, laden with
beans, shoot out, entangling everyone in the house. The
two onis begin to scream.]
Lum: No! BEANS!!! BEANS!!! BEANS!!!
Mrs. Moroboshi: We get the idea, dear. [begins harvesting
beans and hauling them to the kitchen] Best we make
good use of this.
Ten: [desperately trying to fend off tendrils trying to
grow up his nose] Help me, Lum-chan!
Ataru: [grabs all the food on the table] Mine!
Lum: Save me, darling!
Ataru: It's only beans. I mean, sure, they might give you
gas, but...
Lum: Beans are to Onis as Kryptonite is to Superman!
Ataru: Been studying for the SATs?
Ten: She means that beans will weaken and eventually
KILL us!
Ataru: I knew that. If you weren't a brat, it might
actually bother me. [shrugs and goes back to his food as
best he can while bean vines envelop him]
Lum: DARLING!
Ataru: Oh wait, Lum's here. [throws a glass of water at
her. Somehow it passes through the haze of beans and
splashes her. She assumes her human form] There you
go. Now you won't die.
Lum: [thinking] I never thought I'd be glad for this curse.
Ten: What about me?
[Ataru throws a glass of water on him too]
Ten: But I don't turn into a human!
Ataru: [sarcastically] Oops.
Ten: I'll just breathe fire! [tries to breathe fire, but
nothing comes out] No! I've lost my fire power from the
beans...and now...getting ..weaker...getting...
Ataru: Getting stupider? Didn't think that could happen.
Mrs. Moroboshi: [starts slicing her way through to Ten
with her butcher knife] Ataru, do something!
Ataru: [pulls Lum down to the table] There. I did
something. You okay?
Human Lum: You saved me, darling! [hugs him]
Ten: Getting...getting...[a tendril grabs his diaper] A
WEDGIE! ACK! [breathes fire and all the beans catch on
fire. So does the house] Maybe I just had something in
my throat.
************
[We see Ran's spaceship over the flaming wreckage of the
Moroboshi house. Ran and Shampoo are eating ice cream]
Ran: See. Now THAT is vengeance.
Shampoo: [pins a button of a tiny nuclear cloud on Ran's
dress] Shampoo give you Amazon medal of honor for
horrible vengeance. Shampoo impressed.
Ran: And we finished in time for Days of Our Lives!
**********
[We see Akane feeding the Winslow (now wearing a collar
and a dog tag that says 'Winnie') some sort of sauce,
meat, and noodle thing from a small pot with a spoon]
Akane: Here's some food for Mommy's little angel.
"Winnie" (The Winslow): [gulps it down] Angel.
Akane: [smiles] You're so sweet.
Ranma: [nearby, having apparently gotten some hot
water] I'm going to have a sugar overdose and die. It's
just repeating the last thing you say!
Akane: You're just jealous, Ranma.
Winnie: [waggles its tail and smiles at Ranma] Jealous
Ranma!
Ranma: [clenches his fists] Shut up! I'm not jealous!
Kasumi: [sticks her head in the door] Akane, can you
come clean up this mess you made? I'm going to go
shopping, and then I need to make dinner, but it looks like
you had a fight with the food and it won in here.
Akane: [hands Ranma the pot] Here, finish feeding
Winnie. I'll go clean. [departs]
Ranma: [kneeling down to spoon 'food' into the creature's
mouth] I can't believe she likes this stupid thing.
Winnie: Jealous Ranma! [smiles and gulps down the food]
Ranma: Are you trying to annoy me?
Winnie: [licks Ranma's hand] Annoy me?
Ranma: [sighs] Hopefully, this won't kill you, or Akane
will blame me. [starts feeding it again]
Winnie: Nihao! [munches on the food]
Ranma: [frowns] You're not Shampoo in disguise, are
you? [thinking] I can't believe I even asked that. This
thing must be driving me mad.
Winnie: Nihao! [eats the spoon as Ranma leaves it in his
mouth while staring at him]
Ranma: Maybe it's part Furby.
**********
[We see the Mendo mansion. Mendo is watching a TV
monitor of the ashes of the Moroboshi house]
Mendo: [on the phone] Thanks for the satellite link. Yes,
this is good news. Thanks. [hangs up the phone and
begins singing, 'Burning Down the House']
Ryoko: [from the doorway] So you did that?
Mendo: Just gloating.
Ryoko: [shakes her head] Taking pleasure from human
suffering. How typical of you.
Mendo: [frowns] Typical of ME?
Ryoko: Hmm. Lum lives there. I suppose she could have
been horribly burned to death.
Mendo: ...
Ryoko: Yes, I suppose as her spirit watches us now, she
must be wondering why you are rejoicing in her horrible
death. Perhaps one day, she will understand and then she
will claw her way out of her grave to...
Mendo: I must avenge Lum's death! [pauses] If I had any
idea who did it.
Ryoko: One of our scout planes reported this ship in the
air over the house just before the fire... [holds up a
picture of Ran's space ship] And earlier, they took this
picture. [A closeup of Shampoo getting into Ran's ship]
The great-granddaughter of one of the High Matriarchs of
the Amazons. My, looks like Lum's been assassinated in a
diplomatic incident.
Mendo: [beginning to smoulder] No! Lum-chan can't be
dead! I will avenge her! [grabs the phone and shouts into
it] Mobilize the bombers! [pause] They hung up on me!
Ryoko: You might want to try dialing a number first.
Mendo: [dials a phone number] Bomber corps #2? I want
you to level the village of the Amazons! [pause] How am
I supposed to know? That's YOUR job!
Ryoko: It's in China.
Mendo: It's in China. [pause] I know it's a big country!
[turns to Ryoko] Where in China? [Ryoko hands him a
map] Okay, here it is...
Ryoko: Well, this should keep things interesting for a
while.
**********
[It's a quiet morning at the Amazon village. The town
bustles with people going about there business. Two
small children, Lotion and Ceramic Cow, are busy
fighting over 'Lady Death Barbie' and 'Evil Ernie Ken'
dolls]
Lotion: [looks up] Hey, it's a bird!
Ceramic Cow: [shakes her head] It's a plane.
Lotion: It's SUPERMAN!
Ceramic Cow: [shakes her head] You're stupid. It's a
plane. In fact, it's a lot of planes. We'd better tell the
elders!
[They run to find the elders.]
***********
[We see Mendo in the Mendo family War Center, a huge
underground bunker with huge radar screens and a giant
holographic map of the world, showing the positions of
the units of the Mendo Family Army. Mendo is dressed in
a JSDF uniform, as are the Gang of Four (Megane and
company). Ataru sits nearby, as does Lum and Ten and
Shinobu]
Ataru: [puts his hand through the holograph] Can you
reprogram this to show where the best babes are?
Mendo: No! And don't touch it! You'll break it!
Ataru: Even I can't break a hologram. It's just light. It
would be like breaking a flashlight by having it shine on
you.
Ten: [circling the globe slowly] You have broken a few
mirrors by gazing into them, though.
Ataru: [storms over] I have not!
Shinobu: [looking at the globe with Lum] So these dots
are the air force you sent to China?
Mendo: Yes.
Lum: How did you get the Chinese government to okay
this?
Mendo: [sweatdrops] Umm...
Megane: [points at a swarm of blue dots heading towards
Mendo's red dots] What's this? Auxillaries?
Mendo: Uhh...yes. Of course.
[The dots meet, and the red dots start to vanish, probably
because there are twice as many blue dots, and more
closing in]
Ataru: Hmm. Is this part of the plan?
Lum: [sighs] This doesn't happen often, does it?
Mendo: Of course not!
[The phone rings. Ataru answers it]
Ataru: Mendo Warfare Headquarters. Unprovoked
aggression is our business. Can I help you?
Mendo: [runs over] HEY!
Ataru: It's...I can't say his name right, but he sounds
Chinese. And unhappy.
Mendo: [takes the phone] Our planes? They were...lost.
It was a routine training mission, and they were blown
off course. [pause] They were attacked by El Nino and
ran for their lives. [pause] No, my nose is NOT growing
larger.
Lum: [sighs] I think I need to try a more personal
approach.
Ataru: Make Shampoo do a strip-tease for me!
Shinobu: [sighs] You never change.
Lum: I'll just do it my way.
Shinobu: Go to her store and zap her?
Lum: [laughs] Tried and true is best.
***********
[We see Shampoo happily waiting on tables at the
Nekohanten. A young couple, Mr. and Ms. Wombat, are
trying to order]
Mr. Wombat: I'd like a Big Mac and an order of fries.
Shampoo: This is Nekohanten, not McDonalds.
Ms. Wombat: Oh. We'd like some baked cat with a side
order of fries, then.
Shampoo: [gets big eyes] BAKED CAT? That would be
cannibalism!
Mr. Wombat: [blinks] We're not cats. Doesn't everyone in
Tibet eat cats?
Shampoo: Does Shampoo look like the Lalai Dama?
Cologne: [pops up] Dalai Lama. They don't eat cats in
Tibet. And this is a CHINESE restaurant.
Mr. Wombat: Can we have Peking Duck, then?
Mousse: [charges with a sword] INHUMAN MONSTERS!
Cologne: [sideswipes him with her staff, sending him
flying] Sorry about that. One Peking Duck coming right
up.
[There is a very loud humming noise coming from outside]
Ms. Wombat: [looks up] I think your airconditioning needs
work.
Cologne: [sighs, hops up on her staff] Attention, honored
customers. Please evacuate to our bomb shelter. An
alien craft is about to vaporize our building. There is no
cause for alarm.
[Mass panic erupts, with diners running everywhere,
except for one man who starts eating all the abandoned
food]
Shampoo: Is Great-Grandmother sure it's not just the
airconditioning?
Cologne: Great-Grandmother would rather not take any...
[**ZZZZAAAAPP!!!!!** The Nekohanten is reduced to a fine
mist by a green energy beam, which while leaving all the
humans unharmed, destroys everything that isn't alive,
such as Shampoo and Cologne's clothing]
Mr. Wombat: You don't do this every time someone asks
for the duck, do you?
Cologne: You really need to finish off that alien, Great-
Granddaughter.
Ataru: [pops out of the rubble] I came to warn you,
Shampoo, but I see I got here just in time! [leaps at
Shampoo, who kicks him in the face]
Shampoo: Tell Ugly Oni Hag that Shampoo WILL FINISH
HER OFF!
Ataru: Just let me finish first [slips past her foot, only
to have her do a backflip and punt him into orbit] Yeesh,
you call this gratitude? [thinking] Although seeing her
naked was a worthy reward.
***********
[We see Ataru out jogging, cruising for babes]
Ataru: [pulls up along side another jogger, who is tall
and blonde, and may or may not be male] Hey, baby!
Jogger: [blinks] What?
Ataru: You're cute! Got any plans for tonight?
Jogger: You can tell I'm a woman?
Ataru: I've got an infallible sense! You could turn a
woman into a turnip and I'd be able to tell. Cross-
dressing can't fool me. I can tell a guy in drag in seconds
too.
Jogger: [nods] I know someone like that. Well, have a
nice day. [turns to jog off]
Ataru: Hey, what about that date?
Jogger: Sorry, I prefer women.
Ataru: Me too! [runs after her] We've got something in
common!
Jogger: Now I'm going to have nightmares. [casually
punts Ataru into the sky. He comes crashing down into a
dumpster far away]
Ataru: [clambers out] Bleah.
Shampoo: [in a pink dress] There you are, Mr. Darling!
[thinking] Japanese people have stupid names.
Ataru: [warily] What?
Shampoo: Shampoo has come to date with Mr. Darling!
Ataru: [blinks] What?
Shampoo: [glomps onto him] Shampoo take you to nice
restaurant and then movie, then make out on rooftop,
okay?
Ataru: [looks around, then pinches himself] Is this real?
Shampoo: [nods] Shampoo desperate for your body.
[thinking] Desperate to break it, anyway.
Ataru: Let's go! This is gonna be a lot of fun! [takes
Shampoo's hand]
Shampoo: [nods] Much fun. [thinking] For me.
************
[We see Ataru tied to a bed in Ran's spaceship]
Ataru: Wow, I've never tried bondage before. [pauses]
Please tell me you haven't been reading 'Gerald's Game'.
Shampoo: Shampoo promise.
Ran: And now for the kiss.
Shampoo: Ran have weird taste in men. [drags Ran off]
First you send ultimatum to Lum.
Ran: Right. I can suck out his youth while you fight Lum.
Shampoo: You can suck out his tonsils too, for all
Shampoo cares. Now make phoney call.
***********
[We see Akane and Ranma out walking the Winslow]
Ranma: It's not a dog. You don't have to walk it. In fact,
with those stubby legs, we're still only two blocks from
home after half an hour. We could probably crawl and
outrace it.
Akane: [gets down and pets it] You ignore Ranma, Winnie.
Ranma's just a meanie.
Winnie: Meanie! [wanders over and rubs against Ranma's
leg] Hi!
Akane: See? Winnie likes you. Why can't you like him?
Ranma: He's gonna be trouble. I know trouble when I see
it.
Akane: [stands up and frowns] You are being such a
pessimist today!
[Shinobu-Oni flies up]
Akane: Hello.
Ranma: Hey, Shinobu.
Winnie: $%$@&*!
Ranma: What the heck did it just say?
Shinobu-Oni: It said hi. [blinks and flies down to it]
What a cute little alligator! And it talks?
Winnie: [waggles his tail and rubs his nose against her
hand] Ranma no baka!
Shinobu-Oni: [laughs] It's smart, too.
Ranma: HEY!
Shinobu-Oni: Anyone seen Ryouga?
Ranma: I was looking at our cable guide and it looks like
he'll be appearing on pay-per-view wrestling against the
Undertaker tomorrow. At least I know why he ran out on
our cage match.
Shinobu-Oni: [frowns] Ran kidnappped Ataru again.
Ranma: This happens often?
Shinobu-Oni: At least once a week, but...she did it to
force Lum to have a duel to the death with Shampoo.
Ranma: [big eyes] WHAT?
Akane: [rolls her eyes] Shampoo talks about killing, but
she never does. This war of theirs is getting out of hand,
though.
Shinobu-Oni: Well, at least Mendo won't lose another
bomber fleet over this, but...anyway. I was going to get
Ryouga and break it up.
Ranma: You can take me. I don't wanna marry Shampoo,
but...well, she's done some good stuff for me and all. And
Lum might really kill her.
Shinobu-Oni: [narrows her eyes] If you make some crack
about Onis...
Ranma: Take me with you. I'll break it up. And I'm sick
of this stupid lizard, anyway.
Shinobu-Oni: I think he's cute. What's his name?
Akane: Winnie.
Shinobu-Oni: [hefts Ranma] Let's go, baka boy.
Ranma: HEY!
Winnie: Bye!
**********
[We see Shampoo and Lum on top of Ran's saucer. Ten
lurks nearby, watching. Lum is in full Oni battle armor,
which is only marginally less revealing than her usual
clothing. Shampoo is wearing a black leather catsuit and
carrying two bonbori]
Shampoo: Ugly Oni Hag ready to die?
Lum: Stupid Illiterate Barbarian ready to die?
Ten: It's not worth fighting to the death over that idiot
Ataru, Lum-chan.
Lum: It's not worth living without him.
Ten: [sighs] Let the battle be joined!
Lum: DIVINE RETRIBUTION! [unleashes a massive blast of
lighting at Shampoo]
Shampoo: [laughs] Shampoo borrow insulated suit from
Ran. Now Shampoo crush you! [charges at Lum, slamming
into her and battering her repeatedly with bonbori. Lum
is driven back, simply taking the blows and glaring at
her. Soon, she has Lum on the edge of the ship] Now, Lum
falls to her death!
Ten: But she...
Lum: [hisses] I'm not afraid! Come at me!
[Shampoo charges berserkly, and Lum sidesteps. Shampoo
runs right off the edge of the ship]
Shampoo: You won't get away so... [looks down] Erk.
[gravity kicks in and she plummets like a rock]
Ten: Did you plan that?
Lum: I wouldn't have thought she'd make such a stupid
mistake, but... [shrugs] Let's rescue Darling!
**************
[We see Shampoo plummeting towards the Earth far
below]
Shampoo: Shampoo wish she had studied Martial Not
Falling To One's Death.
[A blur streaks by, and something nearly pulls her arms
off. It is Shinobu-oni, carrying Ranma. Ranma has
grabbed onto Shampoo and saved her from falling]
Ranma: You okay?
Shampoo: Ranma-groom save Shampoo! Ranma does love
Shampoo!
Shinobu-Oni: [visibly straining] We've got two problems.
Ranma: What?
Shinobu-Oni: I don't think I'm strong enough to carry both
of you.
Shampoo: What other problem?
Shinobu-Oni: Ran's levelling an energy cannon at us. I'd
point, but you'd fall.
Shampoo: Shampoo die with Ranma-groom! How
romantic!
Ranma: Bleah. I think we'll do plan 2.
Shampoo: What's that?
Ranma: I throw you at Ran's ship.
Shinobu-Oni: [starting to lose altitude] How are you
going to get any...
[Ranma twists around, hurling Shampoo, bonbori first, at
the underside of Ran's ship. In the process, however, he
imparts a lot of rotary motion to himself and Shinobu-
oni, and the two of them go spinning off, tumbling
uncontrollably]
Ranma: Hey! Don't do that!
Shinobu-Oni: ...leverage...aaaaaaaa!!!!!!
*********
[We see Ten fry open a hole in the roof of Ran's ship. Lum
drops in, just in time to see Ran sitting on the edge of
the bed where Ataru is]
Ran: [cackles] It's too late! VENGEANCE IS MINE!
Old-Ataru: [now aged to about eighty years old with a
eight foot long white beard and bald on top] It was worth
it for the kiss.
Lum: No! You've stolen Darling's youth!
Old-Ataru: [glomps Ran feebly] Kiss me again!
Ran: Get back or I'll do it! And this time, he won't
survive it!
Ten: [flies over to the control panel] Even though I want
Ataru to die, I want to do it myself! So if you try, I'll fry
your control panel and you'll plunge to your death!
Lum: I can't believe you did this, Ran! This was me and
Shampoo's fight!
Ran: [cackles maniacally, her face hideously distorted]
You've ruined my life! Now I've ruined yours! FINALLY!
Lum: RAN!
Ran: [turns to kiss Ataru, but suddenly there is a huge
thump and Shampoo explodes up through the floor,
crashing into Ran, knocking her down] Hey! Which side
are you on?
Shampoo: Ahah! There you are! [charges at Lum, who
sidesteps again, and she ends up in front of Ten] Go
ahead! Try and zap Shampoo! [Ten breathes fire on her.
She becomes black and crispy] Iya. [Thunk. She passes
out]
Ran: Now I will...[Lum leaps on her and they roll around
on the floor, pulling each other's hair]
Lum: I can't believe you're betraying our friendship like
this!
Old-Ataru: [waggles a finger] Now stop that before
someone gets an eye poked out. [tries to stand, but can't]
Feels like another attack of rheumatism coming on.
Ran: You stole my Rei!
Lum: YOU CAN HAVE HIM!
[There is a loud thump, and the whole ship shakes]
Ten: [checking the controls] Something just docked with
us!
Lum: [thinking] Not Rei. Please not Rei.
[The hatch pops open and Rei, in Tiger-Cow form, charges
in]
TC Rei: LUM! [runs over and hugs her, squashing both her
and Ran, and trampling Shampoo]
Ran: [thinking] He...he's hugging me! I'm in heaven!
Shampoo: [peels herself off the floor] That really hurt.
[wobbles and passes out]
Ten: Hmmm. [goes and gets a glass of water and dumps
it on Ataru, who assumes his girl form....which is still
young]
Ataru-chan: Hey, I feel great! I feel...[looks down at
himself] Was that water of youth or something?
Ten: [watching Ran and Lum get asphyxiated] We have to
save Lum-chan!
Ataru-chan: [thinks a moment, then runs into the
saucer's kitchen. Soon, she returns with a rather
wretched looking bowl of noodles and pickled vegetables]
Hey, Rei!
TC Rei: [turns and sees the food] FOOD! [charges Ataru-
chan, who is standing by the wall. Ataru-chan pops the
nearby hatch open and holds the food in front of it. Rei
grabs the food and his momentum carries him right out
the door] FOOD! [starts eating]
Ataru-chan: [runs over to Lum and Ran] Are you okay?
Lum: [clutches him] Darling, you got your youth back!
Ran: [boggles] But that's not possible. That's...hey, that's
not Ataru! Ataru is a guy!
Ataru-chan: I most certainly AM Ataru.
Ten: Ataru was always a woman. Usually, she just
crossdresses.
Ran: I KISSED A WOMAN? AAAAAAA!!!!!! [runs off into the
saucer bedroom and hides in the closet]
Lum: Let's go home. And plan our revenge.
***********
[Outside the saucer, we see Shinobu-oni and Ranma have
finally resumed a position of stability, and are flying
towards the saucer]
Ranma: Sorry about that.
Shinobu-oni: [far too sweetly] No problem. I certainly
didn't nearly throw up from that.
Ranma: Hey, I said I was sorry!
[They see Rei, still in tiger-cow form, plummeting
towards them. Shinobu-oni zooms over to catch him]
Ranma: WHAT is that?
Shinobu-oni: That's Rei, Lum's old boyfriend/fiancee sort
of thing. He's an oni, but when he panics, he gets like
that. Normally, he's REALLY cute.
Ranma: I don't think you're gonna be able to carry him and
me at the same time if you were too weak to carry
Shampoo and me.
Shinobu-oni: Good point. [lets go of Ranma]
Ranma: [as he plummets] HEY!
Shinobu-oni: Sorry about that. The ocean down there
should break your fall. [catches Rei as Ranma plunges
into the ocean below]
***********
[We see Lum showing home movies of her recent
disasters to her father, Invader]
Lum: See, daddy? We've got to do something about this.
She won't stop until I'm dead.
Invader: [sighs] I suppose I'll have to apply a few
threats to try to get them to hand her over to us for a
trial then. [stands] Rally the invasion fleets!
***********
[We see a dripping wet Ranma-chan drudge into the Tendo
house. Nabiki is doing homework, and Akane is petting
the Winslow]
Nabiki: Enjoy your swim?
Ranma-chan: [frowning] I am never helping anyone ever
again. Next time, Shampoo and Lum can just murder each
other and leave me out of it.
Akane: That's what you get for running off to save the
Chinese bimbo. [pets the Winslow] You think Shampoo's a
big dummy, right, Winnie?
Winnie: Guten Tag! [waggles his tail and smiles
moronically at Ranma]
Nabiki: Next time, get a contract and make them pay in
advance. Hmmm. [looks at Ranma assessingly]
Ranma-chan: What 'cha looking at me like that for,
Nabiki?
Nabiki: HEY, KASUMI?
Kasumi: [comes in] Yes, Nabiki?
Nabiki: Where's that costume you wore for Halloween
back when you were a sophmore?
Kasumi: [blushes] That one?
Ranma-chan: [thinking] I've got a REALLY bad feeling
about this.
***********
[We see the Amazon Council of Elders in full session]
Boxtop: [suspiciously resembles a Fraggle] We must
flee! We can't fight an invasion fleet unless we can find
some way onto their ships.
Cowcatcher: [a behemoth of a woman. Most of the
Matriarchs are shrunken and look like Cologne; if she
shrank, she must have been the size of a small house, as
she would still make a good sumo] We should be able to
challenge them to tag. Assuming they aren't just passing
through.
Eyeliner: [though tiny like most of the others, and old,
she looks more human than most of the Amazon elders,
more like a shrunken human than a troll doll] We may
have to use our ultimate weapon for dealing with aliens.
Spoon: [a fairly average elder. She looks like a blue-grey
haired troll doll with staff accessory] But then they'll
know we'll have it! Half the aliens in the galaxy will
come looking for the thing, and the rest will try to blow
up this entire solar system trying to get rid of it.
Teacup: [another normal looking elder with bright violet
eyes, dressed as a geisha for no discernable reason. She
is kneeling, unlike the others, who either sit or perch on
their staffs] Perhaps we can trade it to them for peace.
Then their entire civilization will self-destruct and
they'll never bother us. But we'd have to let them know
we have it.
Cowcatcher: Well, my daughter still has her shortwave
radio. We can try to contact the fleet. Hopefully, they'll
call on us to surrender and not just come in shooting.
Booming Voice from the Sky: HAND OVER THE CRIMINAL
SHAMPOO OR BE DESTROYED!
Eyeliner: Here's where we find out.
***********
[We see an exterior shot of dozens of oni ships, most of
them classic flying saucers painted with tiger stripes,
floating over the Amazon village. Cut to the interior,
where Invader is confronting Eyeliner, Cowcatcher, and
Teacup]
Invader: One of your people tried to KILL my daughter! I
demand you hand over Shampoo for judgement!
Eyeliner: [hands him a bottle of shampoo] There you go.
Invader: [stares at it] You know, I may be big, and I'm no
genius, but I'm not THAT stupid.
Cowcatcher: I TOLD you it wouldn't work.
Eyeliner: Can I have it back, then?
[Invader opens it and starts drinking it]
Invader: Hmm. Tastes like a '54 Altair. I think I'll keep
it.
Teacup: If you are willing to drop the charges, I am
authorized to offer you something which our nation has
possessed for five hundred years.
Invader: I cannot be bought!
Teacup: [sidles over to him, still on her knees, then
hooks his ear with her staff, pulling it down to her mouth
level, which basically knocks him down. She then
whispers into it. Afterwards, she speaks] So what do
you think?
Invader: You would trade THAT for me simply not
pressing charges against Shampoo?
Teacup: And promising to never destroy the Amazon
Village with an attack fleet or any Oni ship.
Cowcatcher: And throw in a set of snazzy threads like
you're wearing. I like your taste in clothing.
Invader: Done! Bring it to me and I will make the treaty.
Eyeliner: If you will send me down to the village, I will
get it.
Teacup: Don't forget to pull the green lever.
Eyeliner: [waves her hands dismissingly] I never forget
that.
**********
[We see Eyeliner go down a staircase, leap over a pit trap
which opens at the bottom when she reaches the fifth
step up from the bottom, swing on a vine over another
pit, dodge fifty poison darts, knock out four Amazon
guards with one blow, then crawl through a doorway only
six inches tall]
Eyeliner: Hmm. I suppose I could have just told the
guards to get out of the way...well, it doesn't matter now.
Let's see where Fingerpuzzle put the last trap this
week...
[She looks around. It's pitch dark]
Eyeliner: Need light. [She pulls out a cigarette lighter
and flicks it. The walls are crawling with snakes] Not
bad. [The light flickers out, and much slithering takes
place] Not good either.
**********
[Battered and bruised, with one snake still trying to bite
through her boots and three more braided into a necklace
around her throat, Eyeliner is standing in front of a huge
stone door. There are three levers. The one on the left is
blue. The one on the right is yellow. The one in the
middle is green]
Eyeliner: [flicks her bic again to get more light] Okay,
this week, we pull the...the... [shakes her head] I can't
remember anything these days after a good fight. Must
be finally getting old. Let's see. Amazon rule #45 is
'Never pull the blue lever'. And no good Amazon likes to
be yellow, so it must be...hmm. But what if she made it
the yellow one to psych me out...I'll just pull one at
random. [movies her finger to the rythym] Eenie, meanie,
minie, moe, pull a kuomintang member by the toe, if he
hollers, make him move to Taiwan...[her finger points at
the blue lever] Can't be right. Never pull the blue lever.
Ever. So it must be...the Green one.
[She pulls the green lever, and the door grinds open.
Beyond is a small plush chamber with a nice soft bed of
cushions, and feeding and water bowls. There is a small
hole in the floor by the back wall, just tall enough for a
very ground hugging creature, such as a snake, to get out
through. It looks like it was chewed in the wall.
Somehow. Even though it is stone]
Eyeliner: IT'S GONE! The blasted thing finally escaped!
***********
[Up on Invader's ship]
Eyeliner: I'm afraid it chewed a hole in the wall and
escaped.
Cowcatcher: IT WHAT?
Invader: [sighs] The Great Green Lizard of Chaos cannot
be bound for long. Sooner or later, it gets free to cause
more havoc. Still, it can't travel through space without
help, so it must still be on Earth. Probably.
Teacup: We managed to hold it for four hundred years!
Why did it escape now?
Invader's Wife (Aka Lum's Mom or Mrs. Invader): [while
she is speaking in Oni, Cowcatcher is using Martial
Subtitling to enable her fellow elders to read what Mrs.
Invader says] The Big Mouth Singers of Fisherpricia claim
in the 'Lay of the All Powerful Mime' that it follows an
agenda known only to itself, merely pretending to be a
moronic lizard that imitates people's voices. Certainly,
one would think that it wouldn't either be worshipped or
reviled by most races if it was just an indestructible
lizard with parrot tendencies.
Invader: So how was it passed into your care?
Teacup: It all started about four hundred years ago.
**********
[We see a mountainside near the Amazon village. Two
Amazons, 'Goatcheese' and 'Limburger', are chasing a cow]
Goatcheese: Come back here!
Limburger: We were only joking about making
hamburgers!
[There is a streak of light and something slams into the
mountaintop, knocking it off. A huge explosion echoes,
along with the faint words, 'Hi']
Goatcheese: You catch cow. Goatcheese go investigate
explosion.
Limburger: There's no tourists. You can talk in the first
person, you know.
Goatcheese: Oh yeah. [runs off to the explosion and finds
a crashed alien spacecraft. It is a small flying saucer
with a teacup for a dome. The teacup is cracked and all
the tea is spilling out onto the ground. The pilot is
fumbling for a bowl full of tea to put over his head, but
can't reach it. He is the fishlike alien that shows up in a
cameo in every episode.] What are you?
[The alien reaches into the wreckage and picks up the
Winslow, which looks just like it did when we first saw
it in the petshop]
Winslow: Nihao!
Goatcheese: What a cute lizard!
Alien: [shoves it into her hands] Must...guard it...don't
let...the Daleks have it...key to the universe. [falls face
forward into a puddle of tea, then perks up] Anyway,
PLEASE take it and guard it! It is the Winslow, the key to
all things!
Goatcheese: Daleks?
Winslow: EXTERMINATE! [pauses] Hi!
**********
[Back in the present]
Teacup: And thus this burden was passed on to us.
Invader: How have you avoided being destroyed by all the
races fighting over it?
Cowcatcher: We didn't tell anyone we had it. And we've
dressed up a few baby crocodiles as the Winslow the few
times people have found out. That usually was the end of
that.
Eyeliner: But now it has escaped. It never even tried
before. Well, I did find it in my sock drawer once, but I
thought Shavingcream was playing a practical joke.
Invader: I'll give you one week. Produce the Winslow, or
be destroyed. Or you could just give me Shampoo.
Eyeliner: [hands him an entire case] Here you go.
Invader: Don't make me hurt you.
**********
[We see Ranma-chan has been dressed up in an oni
costume, complete with horns. It is rather more skimpy
than one might expect for something owned by Kasumi.
Nabiki steps back]
Nabiki: Now we just have to die your hair...
Ranma-chan: Why am I dressing up in this?
Nabiki: Hot oni babe pictures are selling pretty well,
these days. And Shinobu generally zaps me when I try to
get pictures of her.
Ranma-chan: I don't wanna pose for no pictures for guys
to drool on!
Nabiki: I'd get Kasumi to do it, but it would probably
cause her therapy to unravel. So it'll have to be you. I'll
give you 30% of the revenues.
Ranma-chan: Therapy?
Nabiki: You didn't think she was naturally so spacey, did
you?
Ranma-chan: Yeah. I mean, Kunou does it without drugs.
I think.
Nabiki: She had to be treated for incipient nymphomania,
but they kinda overdid it. [thinking] I can't believe I
actually managed to say that with a straight face.
Luckily, Ranma would probably believe me if I told him
Kasumi really IS an oni we adopted.
Ranma-chan: ...
Nabiki: Anyway, no point letting all of her old costumes
go to waste. So is it a deal?
Ranma-chan: [thinking] I could use the money, but...
Nabiki: Otherwise, I'll have to get Akane to do this.
Ranma-chan: [laughs] Like she'd wear this.
Nabiki: Well, she is better built than you, but...
Ranma-chan: [frowns] She is not!
Nabiki: I mean, why else would you be reluctant to show
what you've got?
Ranma-chan: I don't see YOU dressing up like this.
Nabiki: [grins] And if I do, will you pose for the
pictures?
Ranma-chan: [thinks] She's bluffing. [speaking] Yes.
Nabiki: Prepare to eat your words. I'll be right back.
***********
[We see Kasumi escorting Shampoo into the Tendo family
living room, where Akane is playing with the Winslow. It
is chasing a piece of string she is dragging across the
floor as if it was a cat]
Kasumi: If you'll just wait here, Shampoo, I'll go find
Ranma. I think she and Nabiki are playing dress-up or
something. [heads upstairs]
Akane: If you and Lum destroy our house, I'll...I'll...not be
very happy, Shampoo.
Shampoo: Shampoo just need to get Ranma to help her
find a missing Amazon artifact. She not going to fight
with Lum here. Shampoo needs it so Onis don't destroy
the Amazon village.
Akane: [frowns] What, she called in an invasion fleet?
[picks up the Winslow and pets it] Say hello to Shampoo,
Winnie.
Winnie: Nihao!
Shampoo: [big eyes] The Winslow!
Akane: Yeah, isn't he cute?
Shampoo: Onis destroy Amazon village unless they get
Winslow right away!
Akane: [frowns] Yeah, right.
Shampoo: Shampoo not joking! Many aliens think
Winslow is God.
Akane: [falls over laughing with the Winslow on her
stomach] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Winslow: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Ranma-chan: [comes into the room with her hair down,
dressed in an outfit like Lum's usual garb, complete with
little horns. Nabiki is dressed similarly] I didn't think
you'd have two of...oh, hi, Shampoo.
Shampoo: Ran...you not Ranma! Evil onis! Lum send onis
to steal Winslow so we can't give it to her to keep her
from destroying our village! Oooooohhhh, Shampoo SO
ANGRY! [whips out her bonbori] Shampoo won't let onis
have the Winslow!
Ranma-chan: It's me, Ranma!
Shampoo: Shampoo not fall for that. Ranma never dress
up like that in million years. Shampoo not stupid!
[charges at Ranma-chan, who begins to dodge]
Ranma-chan: Hey! IT IS ME! I'm your...your Ranma-groom!
Shampoo: [continuing her onslaught] Now Shampoo
really, really sure you're fake. Ranma-groom always too
shy to call himself that.
Nabiki: [thoughtfully] Here, let me hold him, Akane.
[grabs the Winslow]
Akane: HEY!
Winslow: HEY!
Nabiki: [holds her hand over the Winslow] Drop the
bonbori or the Winslow gets it!
Shampoo: Hah! Stupid Oni! Tricks are for kids! Shampoo
know the Winslow is indestructible!
Nabiki: Then I'll just take it. [starts to run off, thinking]
I know I had some kind of plan when I did this...oh yeah,
now I remember.
Shampoo: [charges at Nabiki] Give Shampoo the Winslow.
Nabiki: [hurls the Winslow high over Shampoo to Ranma-
chan] Run!
[Ranma-chan instinctively runs]
Shampoo: Hey! [turns and runs after Ranma]
[As Shampoo approaches Ranma-chan, she turns and hurls
the Winslow to Nabiki. Now Akane is after them as well]
Akane: STOP THROWING WINNIE!
Winnie: WINNIE!
[The game of keep away continues out the doors, across
the garden, through the dojo and out into the street]
**********
[We see an alien taxi circling over Tokyo in a holding
pattern]
Alien Cabdriver: I should be happy because I can charge
them for the time I spent waiting, but I can't get any
decent radio stations on this stupid planet! [sighs and
looks out the window. He sees two humans and two onis
playing 'Keep Away' with the Winslow. His eyes widen]
No wonder the Onis wanted control of this world! They
were looking for the fifth Lizard! And now they've found
him! The Great Molting is about to begin! [gets on his
long distance radio] Sir! I've spotted the Winslow on
Earth!
*********
[At the Oni fleet, Invader, Lum, Ten, and Lum's Mom are
playing 'Gwords', a card game somewhat like Spades]
Invader: I bid three.
Lum: I bid four.
Ten: We're going team bid fifteen.
Invader: But...there's only thirteen tricks.
Ten: We're...going to be in trouble.
Oni Goon: [runs up] Sir, we just intercepted a
transmission from a taxi driver!
Invader: Why do we care about a taxi driver?
Oni Goon: He's spotted the Winslow in Tokyo! Two onis
have it, but a bunch of humans are chasing them!
Invader: Right. Dispatch War Rocket Ajax to bring back
their bodies!
Lum: We don't have a War Rocket Ajax.
Invader: Oh yeah. Send the entire fleet.
**********
[The game of keep away has become a floating brawl with
the Winslow being tossed person to person. Ukyou,
Kunou, Ranma, Kodachi, Nabiki, Daisuke, Genma, three
Daleks, Akane, Gosunkugi, Benten, Sayuri, Ataru, Mousse,
Tsubasa, Konatsu, Mikado, Azusa, Ryuunosuke, Shinji,
Happousai, Yuka, Shampoo, Hotaru, Crepe no Joe, Kumon
Ryu, Mendo, Miss Hinako, Kouchou, Mariko, Hiroshi,
Komatsu, A-ko, Asuka, and the Petshop Owner are all
chasing each other round and round, all trying to get the
Winslow. Most of them clearly have no idea exactly WHY
they're trying to do this, other than the fact that people
they don't like are also after it]
Nabiki: Go long! GO LONG! [watches Ukyou leap up on top
of a garbage can, so she spins and fires the Winslow to
Ukyou]
Winnie: LONG! [crashes into Ukyou, who falls into the
middle of a knot of people, who start beating each other
up trying to get to her]
Ukyou: [crawls out of the horde and hurls the Winslow to
Ranma] Go, Ranchan! Take it to the end zone!
[Suddenly, there is a huge staticky crackling noise and
suddenly the entire Oni invasion fleet appears over the
horde]
Invader's Voice: EVERYONE STEP AWAY FROM THE TWO
ONIS OR BE VAPORIZED.
[Suddenly, the sea of maniacs parts and Ranma-chan and
Nabiki are surrounded by ten foot circles of empty space]
Invader's Voice: BEAM THEM UP, SPOTTY.
[Two beams of light stab down, sucking Ranma-chan and
Nabiki up into the sky]
Shampoo: No! Now the Onis will destroy us for not giving
it to them!
Ukyou: What, the Onis are going to destroy humanity?
Because of something you did?
Shampoo: Shampoo just obeying Amazon law.
Ukyou: SHAMPOO!!! [charges Shampoo, spatula held high,
and soon the riot resumes]
Akane: [looking up] Shouldn't we try to rescue them? [no
one pays her any mind as they riot] I hope Winnie will be
okay. It's almost time for his dinner.
**********
[We see Ranma-chan and Nabiki before the Oni Emperor,
aka Invader, and his wife]
Invader: You have secured the Winslow! Excellent!
Nabiki: So what's the reward for securing the Winslow?
[holds it protectively]
Invader: I hereby grant you both the rank of Duchess! I'll
see if I can find you a small planet or three once we get
to a safer area than this planet.
Nabiki: [eyes light up] I told you this was a good idea,
Ranko.
Ranma-chan: But we're...
Nabiki: [puts a hand over Ranma-chan's mouth] Ranko is
just tired. A pleasure to serve you, my emperor.
[thinking] My own planet! I never thought these old
costumes would be THIS valuable.
Winnie: Hi!
Invader: Now, we'll just jump out of this system and...
Oni Goon: [runs up] Bad news, sir.
Invader: What?
Oni Goon: About three thousand fleets are headed
towards this system, sir. By the time we get to a safe
jump distance, they'll be all over us.
Invader: Hmm. Even this fleet can't fight three thousand
ships.
Oni Goon: Three thousand FLEETS, sir. About three to
five hundred ships each.
Invader: ...
Nabiki: [thinks a moment, then grins] If I may be so bold,
your highness, I have an idea.
Ranma-chan: [thinking] How do I get into this sort of
thing?
**********
[We see a really huge conference room with hundreds of
tables with groups of aliens playing cards. Nabiki roams
from table to table, answering rules questions and
selling food and drink, as does Ranma-chan. Nabiki also
plays as Invader's partner part of the time. The Winslow
hangs in a cage watching Oprah on a TV right under a huge
sign that proclaims, 'Intergalactic Spades Tournament.
First Prize: The Winslow Second Prize: An authentic
Winslow Plushie. Third Prize: A commemorative T-shirt.
Fourth Prize: A boot to the head']
Ranma-chan: [thinking] This is crazy. This will NEVER
work.
Nabiki: [to a three headed, five limbed alien] I'm sorry,
your highness. I'm afraid I'm already engaged.
3H5L Alien: But you have such wonderful elbows, I can
hardly control myself!
Nabiki: Well, if you can outwrestle my fiancee, then I
suppose I could do it.
3H5L Alien: Where is he?
Nabiki: She. [points to Ranma-chan] There.
3H5L: [charges across the room towards Ranma-chan] I
CHALLENGE YOU!
Nabiki: [to the 3H5L's partner] Wanna make a bet on who
wins?
3H5L's partner: [smiles] The king never loses. But I'll
bet you 5 million bars of gold that the king will win.
Nabiki: [shakes hand to tentacle with him] Deal.
[Thirty seconds later, Ranma-chan has tied up her
attacker and tossed him down a laundry chute]
3H5L's partner: ...
Nabiki: You can deliver the gold to the following
address...
***********
[The Tournament is grinding down towards its end. The
last two pairs of card players are Nabiki and Invader vs.
a pair of Cybermen (who look like humans dressed in silly
silver outfits with a badly disguised box over their
heads, but are allegedly dangerous galactic conquerors
with only one vulnerability: gold). As is standard for
Spades, they are sitting at a square table with each pair
of partners seated at opposite ends, like this:
Nabiki
Cyberman 1 Cyberman 2
Invader
]
Nabiki: [shuffling the cards] So what do you people want
with the Winslow, anyway?
Cyberman 1: After careful analysis, we have determined
that our past defeats are due to lack of posession of the
Winslow. Once we win this card game, we will convert it
into the CyberWinslow and it will lead us to victory.
Nabiki: Right. [starts dealing, gives Invader a
meaningful look]
Invader: [gets out a gold coin and starts flipping it over
and over and over] Would you be interested in seeing my
coin collection after this? It's very nice.
Cyberman 2: [watching the coin flip over and over like
someone watching a poisonous cobra] No thank you. We'll
have to be...heading off to a cyberdoc after this.
[They play through several hands. The cybermen,
distracted by the coin, aren't doing too well. However, on
the fourth hand, they manage to score 150 points with a
successful low bid and begin to catch up. The score
stands 325 for Nabiki and Invader and 283 for the
Cybermen, with 500 a winning score]
Nabiki: [dealing out the fifth hand] Are they still
planning to throw gold confetti on the victor of this
tournament, your highness?
Invader: Yep. [looks at his cards] Hmm.
Cyberman 2: [picks up his cards with half of them
showing, but doesn't notice because he's distracted] Gold
confetti? [sounds horrified]
Invader: As required by Intergalactic law. You get to
keep it, by the way.
Cyberman 1: [staring mindlessly at his cards] KEEP IT?
Invader: In fact, you have to keep it. Or forfeit the
Winslow. [thinks, then says] I think they threw in a free
trip to Fort Knox with the first prize, too.
Cyberman 2: [hysterically] FORT KNOX?
Nabiki: Are you EVER going to bid?
Cyberman 2: Ack!
Nabiki: Okay, eight bid for Cyberman 2. Your bid, your
highness.
Invader: Hmm. The two of us must have all the cards. I
bid...
Cyberman 2: Hey, I didn't say EIGHT!
Nabiki: Well, what is your bid? You have five seconds or
you forfeit the game. [The Jeopardy theme is playing in
the background] Four. Three.
Cyberman 2: Umm...uhh...
Nabiki: Two. One.
Cyberman 2: Alright, alright! I bid eight!
Cyberman 1: You're a bloody looney!
Nabiki: Invader?
Invader: [looks over at the Cyberman] I bid three.
Cyberman 1: Can I bid that my partner is an idiot? Or
make a negative bid?
Nabiki: No.
Cyberman 1: Zero bid.
Nabiki: I bid three. Team bid 6. Team bid 8 for the
Cybermen. With only thirteen tricks, one team must go
set.
Cyberman 2: [looks at his hand. He has all four aces and
a king, which likely guarantees him five tricks, if not
eight. He selects the Ace of Hearts and starts to lay it
down] My lead, right?
Nabiki: Yes, but are you SURE you want to lay that down?
Cyberman 2: It's the Ace of Hearts! Only a spade could
beat it!
Nabiki: But what if someone's out? It could die horribly
and then your bid would be wrecked.
Cyberman 1: Be quiet! Don't listen to her! She said that
the last three times you played an ace!
Nabiki: Just trying to be helpful. He's not very
experienced, you know, and he needs help. And since you
haven't been helping him...
Cyberman 1: The last pair who tried to help each other,
you had them thrown out for talking across the table!
Nabiki: Are you trying to insinuate something?
Cyberman 1: PLAY THE FREAKING ACE ALREADY!!!!
Cyberman 2: [plays down the Ace of Hearts] There.
Invader: Hmm. [plays the five of Hearts]
Cyberman 1: [slams down the two of Hearts] Stupid onis.
Nabiki: [plays the two of Spades] Sadly, I have no heart.
No Hearts, anyway. But I tried to warn you anyway.
[sweeps up the trick]
[This hand ends with Nabiki and Invader taking seven
tricks and the Cybermen taking only six. The score
stands 386 for Nabiki and Invader and 223 for the
Cybermen, with 500 a winning score]
Cyberman 3: [brings a pot over to Cyberman 1] Here's the
pork and beans you ordered, sir.
Cyberman 1: [smiles at Nabiki and Invader as Cyberman 2
shuffles and deals] We're going to have beanfest 1999 on
our homeworld soon. Perhaps you should drop in.
[Invader looks nervous, Nabiki looks blase]
Nabiki: I'll be sure to wear my best gold jewelry to it.
And Invader-sama can bring his big GOLDEN sceptre of
state.
[Cyberman 2 twitches while dealing and tosses a card
into Invader's mouth]
Invader: HEY! [spits out the card and calls for a fresh
deck]
Cyberman 1: o/~ Beans, beans the musical fruit o/~
Nabiki: [thinking] Why does he keep ranting about...oh,
beans. Onis. Right. [reaches down into her huge bag of
plunder and pulls out a Pez dispenser with a head like a
Cylon. It spits a small pill into her hand] Here you go,
your highness. Some of my special 'immunity to beans'
pills for you. [passes it to him, and he eats it] Ever
since I invented these, we've had little to fear from
Cyberbeans. [thinking] Let's hope Mr. Invader thinks to
play along or mistakes candy for a cure...
Cyberman 1: So you've discovered the power of Beano,
eh? Well, it won't help you win THIS card game.
[Cyberman 2 deals the cards. The bid is seven for the
Cybermen and seven for Nabiki and Invader. Once again,
one team has to fail to make its bid. Several rounds
pass, and now both teams have taken five tricks. The
next three rounds will determine who makes their bid for
the hand]
Nabiki: Hmm. My lead?
Cyberman 1: Yes.
Nabiki: [looks at her hand] I'll just flip a coin. [flips a
gold coin, but it goes wild and lands on Cyberman 1, who
screams and jumps backwards, then hides under the
table] It's just a coin, not a bomb.
Cyberman 1: Gold coin! Gold Coin!
Nabiki: Can you at least tell me whether I got heads or
tails?
Cyberman 1: GET IT OFF ME!
[The coin is on the table]
Nabiki: [shrugs and flicks the coin onto the empty chair]
It's not on you anymore. [plays the ten of spades]
[Cyberman 2 plays the Jack of Spades while Cyberman 1
scrambles up onto the chair]
Invader: [plays the Queen of Spades onto the Jack] Can I
have my coin back?
Nabiki: [just as Cyberman 1 reaches for a card in his
hand] I think he's sitting on it.
Cyberman 1: AAAAAAA!!!! [blindly flings the three of
spades onto the table] GET IT OFF ME!
Nabiki: Stop sitting on it!
Cyberman 2: Yeah, what she said.
Nabiki: [sweeps up the trick] Here comes the nuke.
[plays the Ace of Spades]
Cyberman 2: Ack. [plays his nine of spades] Dammit.
Invader: [plays the five of spades] You could have saved
that, you know.
Cyberman 1: NOOOOO!!!!!! [looks at his hand: three of
hearts and king of spades] Do I have to follow suit?
Nabiki: No.
Cyberman 1: [starts to play the three of hearts] Good.
Nabiki: [smiling] But if you don't, and you could, then
you're 'reneging' and you automatically get set and lose
ten times what you bid. If we notice.
Cyberman 1: [sighs and plays the king of spades]
Dammit.
Nabiki: Well, we've made our seven. You're set, since you
need two tricks and there's only one left. [grins] But the
game isn't over yet.
[After the cybermen win the last round of that hand, the
score stands 456 for Nabiki and Invader and 153 for the
Cybermen, with 500 a winning score]
Nabiki: Hmm. Looks like you two could go blind low.
[Invader is busy shuffling and dealing]
Cyberman 1: [sarcastically] I suppose you'll tell us this
involves poking our eyes out.
Nabiki: [laughs] No, one of you simply bids low without
looking at his cards, then you get to each trade one card.
If the person who goes low makes it, you get two hundred
points.
Cyberman 1: And while his eyes are closed, you pour gold
dust into his breathing vent on the back of his neck and
kill him.
Nabiki: I do not go around killing stupid people. That's
nature's job.
Cyberman 2: I'll do it. We need the points.
Cyberman 1: Don't! It's a trick! It's always a trick!
What's your name, anyway?
Nabiki: Duchess Nabiki of... [looks over at Invader] What
planet did you give me?
Invader: Haven't decided yet. If we win this game, I'll
give you a whole solar system.
Nabiki: [eyes light up] o/~ We will win o/~
Invader: Your bid, Cyberman 1.
Cyberman 1: I bid three.
Nabiki: Two bid.
Cyberman 2: BLIND LOW!
Cyberman 1: Can I change my bid? I want to add 'killing
my partner' to it.
Invader: Too late. I bid three.
[Cyberman 1 and 2 stare at their hands, then they trade.
Cyberman 1 gets the Ace of Spades]
Cyberman 1: [thinking] Well, at least he can't go set by
having the high spade.
Invader: Your lead.
[They begin to play out the hand. Cyberman 1 takes the
first two tricks, then Invader takes three, Nabiki takes
one, and Cyberman 1 takes three more, much to his
surprise]
Cyberman 1: I took that with the eight of diamonds?
Nabiki: Well, you can give it to us if you don't really
want it.
Cyberman 1: No! It's mine! MINE! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Cyberman 2: I think you need to have your fluids checked.
Nabiki: Your lead.
Cyberman 1: [thinking] I'd best play the ace so he can get
rid of his highest spade. Since I made my bid, I gotta
cover him. [plays the Ace of Spades. Nabiki plays the
seven, Cyberman 2 plays the King, and Invader plays the
four of spades]
Cyberman 2: Whew. I was afraid my King wouldn't get
covered.
Cyberman 1: YOU WENT LOW WITH THE KING OF SPADES?
Cyberman 2: Blind low. I could have had nothing but
spades, for all I knew.
Cyberman 1: Well, what is done is done.
[The cards go round to the very last round, in which every
player has only one card left]
Cyberman 1: [plays down the jack of clubs] Whoever has
the King of Spades can go ahead and put it down and take
this. I know it's out there.
Cyberman 2: Actually, the High Card is the Queen of
Spades. I already got rid of the King, remember?
[Nabiki plays down the three of clubs]
Cyberman 1: Well, it looks like you made your low.
Cyberman 2: Uhh...oh wait, you already played the Ace.
[sheepishly puts down the Queen of Spades] See, I told
you the Queen was high.
Cyberman 1: AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Invader: [plays down the nine of hearts] So what's the
score, Nabiki?
Nabiki: We took six and they took seven, so it looks like...
[totes up points] The score stands 507 for us and 403 for
the Cybermen. We get the Winslow and they get an
authentic Winslow Plushie. I bet the Plushie could do
just as good a job of leading your armies as the real one,
though.
Ranma-chan: [comes forward with the Winslow, which he
hands to Invader, and the Winslow Plushie, which he
hands to Cyberman #1] Hold on. You cyberguys get the
Fort Knox Playset as well, with an authentic gold brick.
Cybermen: AAAAAA!!!!!!! [run far, far away, although they
do take the plushie with them]
Nabiki: So what Solar System do I get?
Invader: How about Omnicron Beta?
Nabiki: Sure! [thinking] I dunno what I'll do with it, but
hey, can't hurt]
Invader: And Duchess Ranko, I'll give you the entire Alpha
Centauri system, although all it has right now is a truck
stop, so it's a bit of a fixer upper, but I feel generous.
Ranma-chan: [thinking] What am I going to do with an
entire solar system?
Nabiki: What are you going to do with the Winslow,
anyway?
Invader: [pets the Winslow] Figure out who our worst
enemies are, sell it to them cheap, then sit back and
watch the maniacs destroy them.
Nabiki: I like how you think.
Invader: I didn't become Emperor for my looks.
**********
[We see Lum, Ten, and Old-Ataru in Lum's lab. Old-Ataru
is strapped to a table and has about a thousand wires
running off him to very points]
Lum: [pushes a button] Now how do you feel?
Old-Ataru: It's making my trick knee act up. I think
we're going to have rain tomorrow.
Lum: Blast it! Nothing I try works! I can't even figure
out why your curse body is normal, but your boy body is
old. Both your forms should have lost their youth.
Nabiki: [walks in wearing a brand new golden crown
studded with gems in addition to the oni-style bikini she
was wearing earlier. Ranma-chan is following her,
hauling a big bag of loot and herself wearing a golden
tiara with a ruby set in it. They're both wearing the fake
oni horns still] I've got an idea on something you could
do.
Lum: [blinks] Since when were you an Oni?
Nabiki: [blinks back] Oh, I forgot to take these off. Well,
I have to say your father is a good card player. A pity he
isn't younger...anyway. I'm the Grand Duchess of
Omnicron Beta now, and Ranma here is the Duchess of
Alpha Centauri.
Lum: Omnicron Beta...I think that's in rebellion right now.
Nabiki: [blinks, then laughs] I suspect he saw through my
little disguise too, but still...I definitely made a profit on
this. Heck, even Ranma made one. Anyway, here's my
suggestion...
**********
[We see the lab. Nabiki, Ranma-chan, Lum, and Ten are all
wearing tiger-striped radiation suits as they carry
barrels labelled 'Sixteen', 'Kawaii', 'Teenbeat', 'David
Hasslehoff Fan Club Materials', 'Dawson's Creek Tapes',
and 'Hanson Singles' over to a huge machine that looks
sort of like a still. They pour the contents into the
machine, and a distilled liquid pours into a thick ceramic
bottle at the bottom]
Old-Ataru: [still strapped down] Are you trying to
destroy me with bad taste made flesh?
Nabiki: We're trying to distill liquid youth. This should
turn you back to normal.
[They spend a long time, but eventually, the bottle is full.
Lum carries it over to Ataru with tongs]
Lum: Drink.
Old-Ataru: Are you SURE this is safe?
Nabiki: Hanson only causes brain damage, so you have
nothing to lose.
Old-Ataru: Ahh, okay. [chugs it] Youth tasted better
back in the good old days. [suddenly, he begins to howl,
flailing about, then he rolls off the bed and drops out of
sight]
Lum: [runs over] DARLING!
Ranma-chan: Maybe he did have some brain cells left.
Ten: I can assure you that's not true.
Ataru: [stands up shakily. He looks perfectly normal,
except that his hair is perfectly combed, his teeth
perfectly white, and he is now wearing stylish clothing]
Hmm. I seem to have mussed my pants a bit. [brushes
them off]
Lum: [hugs him] Darling is okay!
Ataru: That radiation suit is so gaudy. [looks around] Do
you all always wear the same outfits? Or did your
parents all go to the same Salvation Army store?
Ranma-chan: [irritated] Hey, this is to protect us
from...I think we over did it with the fashion magazines.
Nabiki: [shrugs] Essence of youth. I never said there
might not be a few side effects. Come, Ranma, let's go
home so I can count my plunder.
***********
[We see Invader with the Amazon Elders and Shampoo]
Invader: Okay. Shampoo is giving up her quest for
revenge, and I promise to not level the Amazon village
from orbit.
Shampoo: Shampoo lose much honor if she...
Eyeliner: Gets killed by the Council of Elders for
violating a decree of the Council.
Shampoo: [sighs] Shampoo never get to kill anyone.
*********
[We see Ranma-chan and Nabiki straggle in the front door
of the Tendo house. In the living room, Akane is trying to
do homework, but mostly just fretting and driving her
pencil through page after page]
Akane: Dammit! Where has Ranma run off to? He could
get hurt and I wouldn't be able to help him! He could get
killed! And he stole my pet! If I find him....HE DIES!
Nabiki: I'm afraid we had to let the Onis have your pet in
the interest of intergalactic peace.
Akane: [turns around] You did WHAT?
Nabiki: But I got you a new one as an apology. Give it to
her, Ranma.
[Ranma-chan hands Akane something that looks like a
small ball of fur with a mouth. It makes soothing noises
as she holds it]
Akane: Wow! An alien pet! What's it called?
Nabiki: A tribble. It should be much less trouble than the
Winslow was.
[Far away, the sign in the Tendo Dojo crashes to the
ground]
[End of Part 6]
John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu
rhea@tass.org http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/
If it has passed from the high and the beautiful to darkness and ruin, that
was of old the fate of Arda Marred; and if any change shall come and the
Marring be amended, Manwe and Varda may know; but they have not revealed it,
and it is not declared in the dooms of Mandos.
--Final Line of The Silmarillion