<The bickering quartet enter>

Rowan: The horror....magic fingers......*Shudders*....

<Gives the other three an evil look>

Rowan: I'm going to get you guys for that.

Shadow:(Mocking) I guess we should be worried then.

<The Guardian looks nervous>

Guardian: Why don't we just MST this fic?

Bard: Which one is it this time?

Shadow: It's a counter fic to the one we just MSTed.

Guardian: And since Shade believes in equal oppertunity
          reviewing we have to MST it too.

Rowan: I missed the last one so I have some catching up to do.

Oh, C&C if you must,

<All>: Don't worry, we will!

but that's not really the reason for this one.
In fact, this is more of C&C on another
story, recent, which has hit the list. Definitely a
response to it, at the least (since all I am doing is
telling it from a different view).

Rowan: Do tell.

	I'm following the same tradition as Henry Fielding's
Shamela does, with regards to Samuel Richardson's Pamela.

Bard: See the infamous Pamela Tape raw!

*BAP*

Guardian: That's enough out of you! 

Bard: Ow....

Well, kinda. Not nearly as well, for one. It's the thought
that counts though, isn't it? At least so they say. :-)
There is no malice in my heart, no evil intent or dark
desire to destroy or mock...

<All>: Sure....

well, maybe a little, but
in a nice, goodhearted fashion.

Shadow: Gee you think so?

:)

Guardian: Stop staring at me!

Rowan: They call him Mr.Happi.

You should know me by now to know that I don't mean
to harm anyone.

Shadow: (Author) See, I didn't mean to intentionally maim you!

 Why, none of those convictions ever stuck!

Rowan: Try super glue.

I mean, is it _my_ fault that their witnesses
always seem to end up in a ditch somewhere or something?

<All>: Yes it is!

 Certainly not! You can't prove that at all!

Shadow: So you were the third gunman on the grassy knoll!

^_-

Bard: Sorry I don't swing that way!

Why am I doing this?

Guardian: Why are we MSTing this?

<All>: Because it's THERE!

Because there's always at least one other
way of looking at things, and the trick is
to balance them.

Rowan: (Police Officer) Put your hands on your head
       and step away from the rose colored spectacles!

Ranma 1/2 is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi, so we are
told.

Shadow: One tends to take a Kami's word at face value after all.

I, so I have been led to believe, have no rights
to these characters or situation

<All>: Darn right you don't!

(doubly, for the situation, my dears),
and am not doing this for profit
or any such silly materialisic reason.

Bard: You're doing it purely for the....

<Sees that the others have large blunt instruments in hand>

Bard: I won't finish that....

<Others>: Good.

			The Other Side

Shadow: Welcome to the land beyond the veil of Life...

Guardian: Go towards the light...

Bard: A change in position is just what you need
      to keep your love life alive...*WHAM*...owwiee..

Rowan: You never know when to quit do you?

   Hungry. 

Shadow: (Han Solo) Great, Always thinking with your stomach.

Rowan: (Plant from Little Shop of Horrrors) Feed me!

  The thought disturbed Ranma in its suddenness and intensity.

Guardian: (The Critic talking to his stomach) Yes master.

Shadow: Say hello to the 8th wonder of thw world,
        the Bottomless Pit of Saotome.

Ranma's stomach grumbled in complaint.

Bard: (Stomach) I'm going on strike until you promise to
      never eat Akane's cooking for the rest of your life!

The Nekohanten was nearby and he could always get food
there. Life had taught Ranma to eat when you could, because
you never know when you'll have the chance to do so again.

Guardian: Actually it was Genma who came up with that.

   Of course that meant suffering through Shampoo, but... it
didn't matter. Her and her smiling three years of murder schtick,

Rowan: My, that's an awefully big schtick you have there.

it was nothing, it did not matter, it did not... signify.

Shadow: After all there was FOOD to be eaten!
    

   "You come to Nekohanten to see Shampoo?" she greeted me,
cheerily, though I could feel the enmity coming off her in waves.

Bard: AAAAAHHHH!!! I can't swim!!!

<The other three are humming "Surfing USA">

   I know what you're thinking, Shampoo.

Rowan: (Shampoo's Mind) Glomp Ranma, Marry Ranma, Beat up Mousse.

Do you really think you can hide it from me? Do you
really underestimate me that much, and by extension,
underestimate yourself since I am so easily the better
martial artist? Do you really have such a low self-worth
that you believe this facade works? I can see it in your eyes, on
your face, in your every move and every breath and read it in your
ki. I wonder if you know how obvious it is to me? how obvious
everything is? I could end it all, fix all this mess that all of us
are in, if I wanted to, but I just don't care enough.

Guardian: Actually if there's one thing to be said about
          Ranma it's that he does care, usually too much
          for his own good.

   "Leave me alone, Shampoo. I only come here to eat, okay?" put
on the act. Sound indignant, sound annoyed.

Bard: (Ranma) Sneek quick feel while nobody's looking.

 Blush.

Shadow: Rouge, Lipstick, Perfume. Ranma's other Amazon fiancees.

Give her the opportunity to change, to recant, to
choose-- the very thing they want to me to do, but not.
They think they want me to choose, but they don't.
They want to choose _for_ me, want to direct my
actions, want it to be a specific choice. 

Rowan: Ranma gets a clue, Mara gets a blizzard.

   So no, I don't care, not really. Why should I? No one else
does. If so, they'd take responsibility for their own actions.

<All>: But then it wouldn't be funny!

My fault? 

Bard: You suck at tennis.

Like hell it is. I gave you the opportunity, each and every
one of you, you all had your chance, your choice. I am not
responsible for what you did with those choices, you made them,
you live with them. I allowed you to make them, put you in the
position where you could make them, nothing more.

Guardian: Ranma's been hanging around Nabiki too long.

   "You no come here to see Shampoo?" she asks, bubbling
forth in what was obviously an attempt to be cute, but ends
up being corrupt and fetid. The bubbling of swamp gas as it
bursts up through the water.

<All>: <Gasmasks> 

"You only come here to eat," she pauses, failing miserably
at making the moment dramatic, "in that case,"

Guardian: Is the missing capitalization.

she shoves a long roll of paper in my face. 

Bard: (Shampoo) Ranma forget to wipe!

"Please pay up for all times when Ranma eat for
free here like real customer."

Rowan: Nan desu ka?

Shadow: Welcome to Shampoo Logic 101.

   I scan the figures, and find them horribly inflated--

Bard: (figure) I've got such a bad case of gas...

Guardian: (Gym trainer) Going to pump you up!

my eyes bug out, in fact.

Rowan: (Knights) Run away! Run away!!

Oh Shampoo, you really don't think much of me, do
you? I keep track of it myself, and it is nowhere near
this amount, and that's not considering backpay or interest.
After all, I never did get paid for the time I worked here, did I?
Ho-ho! I wonder if I should mention that? That would blow everything
up though,let her and everyone else know a bit more than I want
them to. It constantly amazes me just how dumb they take me for.
Here I am, in the same grade as Akane, and yet I've spend my life
on the road, and not in school.

Guardian: "spent" and his grades are horrible. 

Rowan: The teachers aren't suicidal enough to flunk him.

Here I am, figuring out techniques after seeing them a few
times, and often adapting them or making up new ones to fit
the situation on the spot.

Shadow: Life or Death situations are powerful incentives.

There are none so blind as those who will not see, I suppose.

Bard: Since when did Ranma fall into spring of drowned Buddha?

   She left me a way out though, obviously. Play into her
little trap, have her little fun thinking she's got me where
I want her.

<All>: Who's got who where they want them??!

Let her make her own choice. I am not my brother's keeper,
even if I actually had a brother, after all, nor am I
Shampoo's for that matter. 

   "You-- you've been keeping track of how much I had 
eaten at this place?"

   "Of course, silly Ranma," she shrugs, a calculated gesture
wasted.

Shadow: That's what you get when you round off the figure.

"Why think Shampoo ask Ranma to fill in special postponed
bill with signature every time before serving food?" Why indeed,
silly girl. Why hasn't it ever occurred to you that I might
actually read the figures, or actually keep my copy instead of
throwing them away? "So, you ready to pay up now?"

  I stand up, or start to at least. This is tiresome,
moreso than it is amusing, and I really do hate to be bored.

Guardian: How can you hate something you've never experienced?

Still, I am hungry, and I should give her another chance
for redemption, though she won't take it.

Rowan: It's Ranma the Savior.

"Uhm, about what I said earlier? It really was a
joke. _Of course I come here to see you,_ you silly girl!"
It's true, in it's own way, I suppose. I come to give her a
choice. Strange, that this false smile on my face is possibly
the most honest thing, because of its falseness.

Shadow: That's circular reasoning!

Aha. Worthy of something to meditate on, later, that thought.

Guardian: Yes, we must meditate on the why's of extra commas.

   "Aiyah! Shampoo so happy!" she exclaimed, and in a way
that was true also. Happy to feed her spite,

Rowan: (Shampoo) Time to eat!

Bard: (Spite) I don't wanna!!!

happy to prove to herself her superiority, happy to get her own way. 

   The next part is what I actually dislike, and she knows

 it. No pretense on my part, would you like someone feeling you up?

Bard: well....

<Others>: Don't answer that!!!

I don't care how beautiful she thinks she is, or how beautiful
she actually is (there is a difference), I still don't like it.
   Would you? Someone else's hands wandering around you, feeling
you, groping you, pinching you, and all without your permission?

<Before the Bard can say anything he is clobbered by a bat,
 a staff and a porta-potty>

Perhaps you can understand then, that I, who has had less

Guardian: "have had", this is a first person viewpoint. 

Shadow: Nitpicker.

contact with others than most people, would feel. There is no >indifference

her,

Rowan: But if it's in difference then what's in her?

no act hiding the apathy. Everything else so far was a sin
against herself, not my concern, but this, this is a sin against
me. 
   I could get Mousse over here and that would stop it. More
than stop it, a little punishment of its own, with the
inevitable fight and property damage, which just might be a
little more than necessary. Later will do though. Time enough
afterwards.
   I can feel her start to get excited in her explorations, her
shirt is thin, as is mine, and she isn't wearing a bra, either. It
is to laugh, or to cry, but laughing is safer. I won't do that
either, mind you, at least not yet, not now. I can preserve the
moment though, the delicious irony of it all: this girl who hates
me becoming sexually aroused as she gropes me.

 
Bard: <Staring and drooling at Shampoo>

  Plenty of witnesses are here to see her doing this and see my
obvious discomfort, should I ever decide I want to press charges.
Sexual harassment, don't you know. Not that I would ever do
something like that, mind you, but one should keep one's options
open, yes?

Rowan: A closed option isn't worth as much after all.

   It's funny what hate can do to people, isn't it? I never really
understood that concept myself, but I can see it's effects on
others, predict it, generate it, use it, even though I do not feel
it. 
   Shampoo tells me that she's happy because the object of her
hate is in her power, that she is in control because of fear. Isn't
reading people's auras so useful? What was it again that I did to
you that makes you hate me so, Shampoo? Oh yes, I was better than
you. I showed you how foolish you were, and you couldn't take that
could you? Couldn't take that someone else could go beyond your
limitations.

Guardian: But that's the same reason why Ryoga's after you.

   Foolish, right from our first meeting. You didn't have to
accept the challenge, but your perception of honour made you. Made,
what a silly word.

Shadow: Ranma's honor has made him do plenty of stupid things too.

I make a drawing, I make a story, I make a fist, but
I do not make other people do things.

Rowan: That's Nabiki's job.

She had the option of not accepting, it is not my fault that
she underestimated me. Still, I didn't expect her to want tp

Bard: There's a leak in the fic!

fight right away. I would have waited until she was well rested,
that would only be polite. Maybe she was thinking I was weaker,
having just eaten after fasting for who knows how long? Maybe she
thought I was weary from hard travelling, and she wanted to
capitalise on those weaknesses. Regardless, not my choice, not my >decision,

not my problem.
    

   "Ack!" she drew blood. "Shampoo, your nails are _cutting_ into
me!" 

<The four turn slightly green>

Bard: Not again!

   Mousse isn't enough. Ryouga instead, or as well. He's

guaranteed to do more damage. I suppose they might not fight me,
that they might actually try to talk any supposed misunderstanding
or wrongdoing out instead,

Shadow: And maybe Happosai will become a chaste monk.

Bard: And maybe Kuno will get an IQ higher then a bowl of tapioca.

Guardian: And maybe Genma will get a spine.

Rowan: And maybe Tenchi will actually make a choice.

but I severely doubt that. If even one person did that, took >responsibility

for him or herself, that would be enough,

I could do it. I could take show them all the truth,
show them where they went wrong and show them what they could
do. That won't happen though, I know it won't, know it deep
down in my bones, in my marrow.

Shadow: Well if you drill deep enough....

Bard: Ewwww....

One hopes though, one recognises the possibility that it
might happen, that something new might occur that jars
one of them out of their rut and into a different pattern.

Rowan: Welcome to Martial Arts Sewing.

   "Shampoo so sorry, but Airen taste so sweet that
Shampoo almost want to love Ranma to death." 

<All>: Bleeck!

   Love the body but hate the mind, Shampoo? You don't
even know me, you never tried to get to know me, but just
expected I would fall in line with your desires.

Guardian: (Drill Instructor) Fall in!

No different from anyone else. How boring. There are no ideas
here, my dear.

   "Yeah, whatever. Just cook, will ya? I'm starving," and I
really am famished now.

   I wonder when you started to hate me, Shampoo. I really
am curious about that. After that reversal jewel, obviously.

Rowan: Of course you wonder about the obvious.

Guardian: But if the reversal jewel brings out the reverse emotion
          she would have been loving him when she put it on.

I had to find out why, then. Why the sudden change of heart.
It didn't make sense, shouldn't have happened, and I needed to
know. I'll admit that part of the reason I did what I did then was >because

it felt good having good looking women after me, wanting

to be my wife.

Rowan: Trust me, having too many women after you is not
       something to be proud of!

Bard: Speaking from experience?

<Rowan & Shadow & the Guardian>: Shut up!

Hell, I think most men would like that, though. Real boost to
their manliness and ego there, and when you're a cold shower
away from castration,

<All>: <Cross legs and shudder>

you become a little more sensitive to those kinds of
things. Especially if you're Japanese, raised in a patriarchal
society, especially if you've been raised to be manly by Genma.

Bard: The one who cowers in fear of his wife.

Surely that can be forgiven, no? 
   Maybe that was it, the straw that broke the camel's back. No
one ever asked me why though, and I wasn't about to tell unless
they asked. Just assumed, like all of you always do. Never occurred
that your assumption might be wrong, did you?

   "Shampoo go prepare good good stuff for Ranma now-- hope
Ranma enjoy outcome."

Rowan: I take it the play on words was intentional?

<Others>: Yup.

   A thinly veiled reference to the day you shall try to beat me,
Shampoo? I wonder if you know that I'm aware of you praciticing,

Shadow: yes, beware of the evil Praciticing, demon of fanfics.

even if you're unaware that I know. Your techniques, your Amazon
tricks, your proud heritage, it will avail you not, because I know
what you know, hear what you hear. Feh, I figure them out before
you do. So simple, really.

Bard: Help! Drowning...in..a...sea..of...commas....

Have some interesting modifications, too, which you might
appreciate if you ever try to use them against me. Defenses
against them, too. You'll have to start first, of
course. I won't make you use them, won't start the fight.
That's not me. I don't like to do that, that much. Sure, 
I'll start fights, but how much more do you see me getting
attacked than attacking? Even Cologne doesn't know that I'm
around, watching.

Bard: Glub...glub...

   Maybe, just maybe, if you had heard about Ryu Kumon and the
Yamasenken, you might get an inkling. The techniques I learned from
Genma, the Umisenken, allow me to erase all sense of my presence,
but you wouldn't know that, would you? I wonder if it would really
matter, anyway-- if you're so consumed by hate and so focused on
what you're doing when you practice that you would notice me even
if I didn't know the Umisenken, Shampoo. I picked up Kumon's
Yamasenken as well, but no one would ever know that from observing
me, since I never use them. Just a little surprise, in case.
   Regardless, it doesn't matter. You make your own destiny, not
I. I just offer choices, and it is none of my business whether or
not you take them.



			Khattam Shud

<All>: No he shouldn't!

References in the story: 


V4, where a Shampoo who looked remarkably untired considering she
just fought in a tournament, accepted a challenge from a smaller
girl who had obviously not eaten in a long time and travelled on
foot a long distance, and fought her immediately instead of waiting
for her to digest the food at the very least, and got quite put out
when Shampoo lost. Yeah, Ranma's pure evil.

Bard: See Amazon Law subsection 3 paragraph 4 on Challenges.

V22, where Ranma suddenly had to deal with a Shampoo who acted the
exact opposite towards him as she usually does, and so he tries to
figure out why. Bastard.

Smiling 3 years of murder: V34
   Where the woman pretends to be a dutiful wife/girlfriend while
playing petty and/or painful tricks on the man, often 'accidentally.'

<All>: We don't wanna know!

V28 Genma shows Ranma the moves to the Umisenken once, and Ranma
uses them to defeat Ryu Kumon. It stands to reason then that he
would also be able to use the Yamasenken set of moves/style, having
had it used against him more than once, and now knowing what they
were based upon.

Shadow: Let's not forget the Neko-Ken, the two types of Ki blasts,
        or any of the other dirty tricks he picked up in the series.

See? Take a look at it one way, and Ranma's the worst kind of scum.
Take a look at it another way, and he's, well, not a saint, but
more sinned against than sinned, I would say.

<All>: No argument here!

Now, the dialogue and the events in this story are not mine, 
oh nonononono, most definitely not. The interpretation of
said events, the narration though, that, you may blame me for.

<All>: Don't worry, we will!

So, if you're still wondering what story I'm responding to, and
which author wrote it, one final hint: the tag-lines, bibi, look
at the tag-lines. Still not sure? Email me.

Matthew "Maybeso" Lewis is:
InDefinitelyso on IRC
Sojiro_Seta on Kawaiimuck
	maybeso@ican.net
prone to exaggeration, 150% of the time

Rowan: So what do you do for the other 75% of the time?

<The four heroes exit from the MSTing room>

Guardian: An interesting concept, a devious Ranma. But I 
          can't see this happening unless in an Alternate Universe.

Bard: Argh.....too.....many....grammer.....errors.....

Shadow: So what's next on our agenda?

Rowan: <Smiles> You three are going to MST a really bad lemon Washu-chan      
  found while sifting through the sewage in the most disreputable        areas
of the Net.

<Others>: WHAT??!!!!

*$*$*$*$*

Disclaimer: What's not mine is the creation of others so I have
            no claim to them. Constructive C & C always welcome,
            flames will be blown out.

Till next time,
-Shade 

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