First the critisism:
[...]
That was so long ago. I looked down at the letter in
my hands now, and took a deep breathe.
^^^^^^^
breath
[...]
Yuri shook her head. "You don't understand. I was a
struggling student in the academy. I barely passed. The superiors,
do you know what they do with people like me? They partnered me
with the worst partner in the universe, the 'nightmare' as we call
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This sounds awkward, due to the repeated word. Perhaps "Assigning
me to the worst partner," or "Partnering me with the worst officer"
would be better.
[...]
I had been so happy when I was first promoted, that I
didn't even remember to check on Mihoshi after I left. There had
been a terrible goodbye. When I had first told her that I was
leaving, and she was not, it had taken almost 24 hours to pry
her fingers out of my thigh. I had ended up sneaking away during
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Um... Perhaps "pry her fingers from around my thigh" or "around my
leg" would make this sound a little less like a sexual euphemism. ^_^;
[...]
The other's thought I'd gone insane. First, I asked
^^^^^^^
others
[...]
It was the Yagami. I didn't know I missed it so much.
Hands shaking, I tune my ship to the correct frequency
to hail the Yagami. I waited a full 10 minutes, but no one
answered.
I assume that Yukinojo doesn't exist in the same Tenchi reality
as Kiyone. I've only seen the OAVs, Pretty Sammy 1&2, and the
two movies.
[...]
I was sweating profoundly when I knocked on the Masaki's
^^^^^^^^^^
I think you're looking for the word profusely.
[...]
"I don't think so," Sasami said. "Tenchi's still nice,
kind and cool. Aeyka's still Aeyka. Ryoko is still Ryoko. They're
still both after Tenchi. Washuu's still plotting universe
domination." ^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^
This sounds a little weird, but I don't have a better suggestion.
"universal domination" isn't quite the same thing. Perhaps,
"Washuu's still trying to take over the universe"?
[...]
I offered a weak smile. "For better or worse, 'til
death do we part."
^^
Us. The subject of the sentence is "death", not "we". It's the
difference between "We part until death", and "Until death parts us"
[...]
"She still lives in that apartment you guys used to live
in. I think she's trying to clean up because she knows her new
partner is coming. I didn't tell she, it was you, 'cause I figured
^^^
Her. Sasami is the subject, not Mihoshi.
[...]
I stared at the decimated apartment. It was a mess. I
wondered why anyone would still want to live here.
I was a little confused by this sentence, since it sounds like
Kiyone's already inside the apartment. (If she were outside and
it was decimated, there wouldn't be any structure to look at.)
Maybe the apartment should be called "run-down". Or better yet,
refer to the apartment *building*, so it's obvious she's outside.
[...]
My heart did somersaults in my chest for the next few
moments, as I wondered if she'd hate me. It was my fault this
happened to her. I shouldn't have left the way I did. I shouldn't
have not called. I should have made sure she got a decent partner.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The double negative is awkward. "I should have called" is better.
[...]
Suddenly, Mihoshi flung open the door, just as I let my
guard down, managing to surprise me as usual.
This is a minor quibble. Using "flung" give me the notion of
movement through space, not movement in place.
[...]
Mihoshi stared at me. She didn't say a word. She started
shaking and tears rolled down her cheeks. Mihoshi always could
call tears to her eyes at will, but I just knew that these tears
were not Mihoshi-tears. These were more Ryoko-standard tears, and
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
As opposed to Ryoko-upgraded? How about "standard Ryoko-tears"?
Did she hate me? I needed have worried.
^^^^^^
needn't
Now the comments:
I enjoyed this story a lot. I am a Mihoshi fan, so it's nice to see
her being written sympathetically in this story, and without even
ignoring her clumsiness. I certainly felt that the last two lines
were quite powerful, and made a wonderful conclusion:
I don't recall ever feeling so loved or wanted before.
Why did I ever want to leave?
It was a great feel-good story, wihout being too WAFFy.
There were a lot of short sentences in the story. If I had written
it, I would have strung every other one together, but I know that's
largely due to five years of exposure to Latin in high school...
I also don't know if they hurt the story or not. Normally short
sentences tend to make a story sound choppy, but I didn't get much of
that from this piece. Maybe they complement the nature of the story.
It's not dealing with particularly complex themes. Why would it need
complicated sentences?
All in all, a very good story!
Later,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall Anime-based works available at my No Frills homepage:
dougmacd@thecia.net http://www.crosswinds.net/boston/~dougmacd/works.html