<Oue heroes enter. Noticabely absent is Rowan, leaving only the guardian, the
Bard, and Shadow in the temporary MST room>

Guardian: Alas poor Rowan, we knew him well.

Bard: He's dead? 

Shadow: No it's much worse then that, Rowan's being used for one of little    
    Washu's experiments.

<All>: <Shudder in sympathy>

Guardian: This MST should get our minds off that.

#########################################################################>###################

Shadow: Geeze, talk about patching the fic up.

Guardian: That many holes in the story doesn't bode well for us....

Fianc�e Talk

Bard:(Shampoo) Ah, Shampoo write another fic!

Guardian: Fiancee talk, but nobody listen.

A Ranma 1/2 fic

<All>: Of course.

By Adrian Wong

Guardian: Two Wongs don't make a Wright brother!

<Ryo-ohki plays a rimshot>

<The other two groan>

Characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi and some others.  

Bard: This is a crossover?

#########################################################################>######################

Guardian: A fine example of a patchwork quilt.

Shadow:(Kirk) Damn it Scotty! I thought you fixed that!

Bard: (Scotty) Ah'm sorry captain, Ah just don't hav' the power!

Shadow:(Computer) Warning! Fic will self destruct in 10 minutes. 

Part 1: 

<All>: They're breeding! Kill it before it spreads!!!

	"You come to Nekohanten to see Shampoo again?" I asked, smiling in >as catty

a manner as possible while launching onto the arm of my prey . . >. 

Bard: <Blinks> She actually asks that BEFORE she glomps onto him?

 	"Leave me alone, Shampoo.  I only come here to eat, OKAY?" Ranma
exclaimed, blushing profusely and totally annoyed with me . . .

Shadow: Hmmm....strange....usually Akane is involved when he blushes...

Guardian: And Ranma's normally not that rude unless he's had a really bad
day.....

Bard: Of course considering that's a normal event....

so annoyed, in fact, that his brain was beginning to short circuit like >it

had done so many times before.

Bard: Since when? Ranma wouldn't know what do with a woman unless it involved
Martial Arts.....*Goes glaze-eyed*...mmmm...Marital Arts....

	Perfect, now I shall go in for the strike . . .

Shadow: (Vader) Welcome to the Dark side of the Force young Shampoo.
  

	"You no come here to see Shampoo?"  I asked, all bubbly and >kittenish and

hurt,

<The Bard starts drooling as he stares at Shampoo>

*WHAM* <The Bard is now smashed headfirst into his seat>

<Shadow puts the porta-potty away>

"You only come here to eat . . . in that case . . ." seizing the
moment, I whipped out an impossibly long bill and shoved it in front of
Ranma's startled face,

Bard: (Shampoo) Ranma look at this! See Mousse is much more man then you are!

Shadow: That's sick.

Bard: Thanks.

"please pay up for all times when Ranma eat for >free here like real
customer."

Guardian: Pay up for eating for FREE??!!

Shadow: The IRS is branching out into Chinese takeout!!!

I had to try VERY hard in keeping the smile off my face as Ranma's eyes
bogged out at the titanic sum culminated at the end of the bill from his
various clean out activities in the past.

Bard: (Ranma's eyes) Damn swamps...now where are we?

Guardian: That's "bugged".

Shadow: Ranma Saotome, Martial Arts Janitor.

"You . . . you've been keeping track of how much I had eaten in this
place?!"  he dared asked, incredulously.

Bard: Argh....the comma got me......

Guardian: I didn't think that was actually possible, keeping track of the
amount of material that goes into the Saotome Black Hole.

"Of course, silly Ranma," I replied with a casual shrug, "why think >Shampoo

ask Ranma to fill in special postponed bill with signature every time before
serving food?  So," smiling cattily once more, I shoved the bill even closer
to his face and purred, "you ready pay up now?"

Guardian: "Why" "You"

<Bard & Shadow>: Nitpicker

Ramna tried to stand up to me, making up whatever lame excuses that he

Shadow: Smart move, the real Ranma escapes and leaves his stunt double        
behind.

could muster up . . . before finally breaking down and putting up a false
smile. 

"Umm . . . about what I said earlier?  It was really a joke: OF COURSE I
COME HERE TO SEE YOU, you silly girl!"  he said with a strained voice as >my

smile blossomed.
 
<All>:.........

Bard: Why do I get the feeling that the author doesn't like Ranma?

Shadow: Maybe because Ranma just threw away his pride four paragraphs into the
story.

"AIYA!  Shampoo so happy!" I exclaimed in my usual playful persona and
began to feel him up for good measure,

Bard: Yahoo! Go Shampoo!!!

Guardian: Keep on dreaming.

causing the boy to yelp like a little puppy dog under a giant cat's >claw. 

Under the envy of all his male classmates, Saotome Ranma was once >again
enduring the glomp of death from the most admired waitress of Plaza >Street,
Nerima.

The fact that he hated it so much only served to heighten my pleasure,
making my travelling hands pinching just a little harder than necessary.

<All>: Ouch!

Heh, one doesn't get to feel up a boy like this back at the village: the
Amazon Council have set up laws in protecting the 'purity' of our boys, >as

it is considered to be a grave disgrace for an Amazon male to lose his

virginity before his marriage.  He would then become the town slut, a
disgraced item among all of the other men in the village.  Mousse's >brazen

and frequently pursuit of me, for one, had earned him quite a few >names back
in the village.   I could have taken his virginity easily >should I want to .
. . but no, it would have been too much like making it >with my own brother. 

Shadow: Strange family you have there.

Guardian: DO NOT GO THERE!

We were THAT familiar with each other.

Bard: Yes!

Us Amazon girls, on the other hand, were all encourage to get into the
boys' pants in order to prove our womanhood.   While I remain a virgin
myself due to my own 'picky-ness', as they call it, all my friends has
conquered the easier boys of the village many times over, and weren't >above

bragging after the deed was done.   The abundance of birth control >herbs in
our village only served to make the act all the less . . . >worry-some.

<The Bard is frantically writing all of this down>

Bard; Now where in China is this place exactly?

<The other two sweatdrop>

And now, this macho, Japanese boy is right here, right under my thumbs,
unable to protest due to the ideals of his own utter opposite and even
more sexist culture, which encourages boys to be easy and girls to be >tight.

. .

Shadow: Don't even say it.....

Bard: Damn.

As such, Saotome Ranma,  you won't escape me . . . you shameless excuse >of a

whore.

<All>: Huh? Did we miss something here?!

Sometimes, I think you know . . . I think you do know the depth of my
contempt and hatred for you.  Why else would you be so wary of me >otherwise?

<All>: HUH??!!!! Who are you and what did you do with the real Shampoo?!

Yes, Ranma, you should be afraid. 

You should be very, very afraid.  

Shadow: He's got Genma for a father, Happosai for a master, and lives in the
same household as Nabiki. You're going to have to do a lot better then that!

Do you REALLY think that I have forgotten about how you had devoured my
tournament prize back at the village when I was the rightful winner of >the

match? 

<All>: To be honest...YUP!

 And how, instead of apologizing like a good little 'girl', you had
provoked me to fight you at my weakest, humiliating me in front of my
people with your trickery?   

Guardian: Shampoo need see episode 8 & 9 of TV series again.

And how . . . and how you had brazenly defeated me AGAIN while I was >under

the influence of the Reversal Jewel, stating your status as my >rightful
husband in front of all of Nerima.   I had given you my heart >then, declaring
my love for you in front of the entire Furinkin High . . .

<All>: O_O'

Guardian: Someone has a very selective memory here....

. . . and you simply gloated in triumph, shattering my heart into a
thousand pieces  as you ran back to you 'kawaii' little Akane . . .

Shadow: Well you were trying to trick him into marry you....

SLUT . . .

I had sworn to myself that I would make your life a living hell -

<All>: Take a number.

"ACK!!!"

Startled by the sharp yelp,  my mind came back to reality, where the >object

of my loathing forcefully pushed my hands away.

Bard: (Mousse) I'm sorry Shampoo but I love...Kodachi!

"Shampoo, your nails are CUTTING into me!" he exclaimed while rubbing his
sore, ravaged . . . best not have it spelled out.

<All>: <Whiten and look very nervous>

Guardian: Please don't go there....

Looking down at my sharp nails, one of which was glistering with a drop >of

dark red, I simply smiled sultrily while licked it off with a feline >flick of
my tongue as a few of Ranma's classmates whistled at my 'exotic

Amazonian boldness'.

<The trio look rather green after reading that>

"Shampoo so sorry . . . but Airen taste so sweet that Shampoo almost want
love Ranma to death."  Shoving my face in front of his, I smiled, >allowing a

glimmer of malice to show through my no longer smiling eyes >just to give him
a fair warning of what is to come in the near future.  ">What Airen say? Airen
want Shampoo to love him to death?"

<All>: The double meanings here are just sickening.

"Yeah, whatever.  Just cook will ya?  I'm starving," he replied
nonchalantly.

Shadow: Even Ranma ain't that clueless.

Did he really missed my threat, was he really that oblivious?

Either way, it doesn't matter.

I am Shampoo of the Amazons, heir to Grand Matriarch Cologne . . .

The direct heir to the inventor of your techniques, Airen . . . and many
more.

Guardian: Yet she has never been shown to have any of Colgne's special        
  techniques.

Already, I've mastered all that you have covered through, training day >and

night while you lived that charmed life of yours with that weak girl >whom you
loved showing off to so much.   Soon, soon I shall master >techniques that you
won't know about . . . techniques that you will NEVER >get your hands on,
considering how the Tendo Clan had kicked out Happosai >once and for all last
month . . .

Bard: Charmed life? Ranma? More like hexed if you ask me.

I'm going to be far better than you, Saotome Ranma, very soon.  And when I am

. . .

<All>: The demons in Hell will have the biggest snowball fight in the       
Universe.

. . . I shall humiliate you as you did me.   I shall disgrace your school
of Anything Goes Martial Arts just as you had dishonored my Village and
myself.   

For now, I shall simply content myself by toying with you in this little
game of  cat and mouse . . .

"Shampoo go prepare good  good stuff for Ranma now . . . hope Ranma enjoy
outcome."

<All>: ........that was just so wrong.

The End  

References to the story: 

Manga Vol 4 where Ranma had barged into the Amazon Village and challenged
an already totally beat Shampoo like the gentleman he is. 

Shadow: Considering Ranma was weak with hunger and that he really didn't have
any other choice I'd say they were fairly even. And it's volume 3.

Manga Bol 22, Reversal Jewel Chapter, where Ranma stringed on both >Shampoo

and Ukyou in an attempt to show his classmates the ladies' man >that he is.

Bard: Actually Ranma just doesn't like to be disliked by his friends, and
Shampoo and Ukyo ARE his friends.

All C&C are welcome J  This is another  1hr. fic by me.  

Guardian: It shows.

Shadow: Another "Author bashes Ranma" fic.

Bard: It's been done, and done, and done, and done...*WHAP*

Guardian: Anyway...Shampoo is very OOC in this.

<Scene changes to a metal table where Rowan is strapped down with only a pair
of shorts on>

"Help!"

*$*$*$*$*$*$*$*

Disclaimer: What's not mine is someone else's. You know the rest.
            No offense intended to any parties.

            
-Shade

*$*$*$*$*$*

 Nabiki stared at the screen, a look of 
horror on her face. "Our lives depend on  
Ranma proving that we're civilized enough 
to join a galactic society. We're doomed." 

-The Bet "Illegal Aliens in Nerima" 

"Could you please not eat my gun!" -Mihoshi

The girl smiled. "Welllll... Do you remember Yu-chan?"
        Ranma thought back to the days when he was a young scrapper.  "Yeah, we used to play together, me an' Yu-cha--" Ranma's eyes bugged out with shock. "Oh no! You aren't..."

 "SURPRISE!! It's me, Yu-chan!" the girl squealed.
 "YU-CHAN!!" Ranma's eyes bugged out. "Didn't I have         ANY male childhood friends?!"

-Expansion Card v2.0

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